Truth be told, I like Los Angeles a great deal. I spent three years there as an early twentysomething, and I could sling as much praise upon it as I do criticism in this article. I loved the weather, the vibrancy and the thrill of knowing I was in the epicenter of pop culture. But with great highs come great lows, and it's better to have extremes than a boring flatline. So don't take it personally if you're from L.A., for I am just a bitter transplant.
You stay indoors all day because driving sucks, so eventually you feel like you're in the witness protection program.
![things that suck about los angeles, things that suck about la, la traffic]()
The saying goes that it takes 20 minutes to get anywhere in Los Angeles. In reality, every time you drive you die a little inside. This makes you reluctant to leave your house for even the most innocuous grocery trip. So you stay indoors until nighttime, like a goddamn vampire.
Traffic, gas prices and honking: the three form a hellish trifecta. And since making the drive from Venice to Hollywood takes a level of patience only a monk would be capable of, you end up locking yourself indoors until the coast is clear — which is never.
Everyone 'fakes it till they make it.'
![things that suck about los angeles, things that suck about la, people are fake]()
Most people in L.A. don't make it, so they fake it for nothing. This breeds the all too familiar concept that people in the City of Angels are phony. From the entertainment industry to corporate environments, everyone's faking it, so it makes you reluctant to trust people. On a more micro scale, you see it in bars. L.A. bros like to pretend they're the hottest thing since tribal tattoos, but they'll be extremely reluctant to reveal their employment or that they live with 10 other bros in a 600-square-foot apartment.
"People treat Los Angeles like a rental car," says Adam Carolla.
![things that suck about los angeles, things that suck about la, la trash]()
Like a cheap whore, L.A. is only valued for what people can squeeze out of it. Most professionals aren't locals, and most transplants couldn't care less about the city because it isn't theirs. Eventually, this collective mindset builds until you've got a place with a trashy reputation like, well, Los Angeles.
You never know if you're in a gay bar.
![things that suck about los angeles, things that suck about la, gay bar names]()
One time I went to a bar in midtown called Mandrake. It seemed like an artsy hipster bar, like many others, so I didn't suspect anything. That is, until I saw the not-so-subtle logo. What baffles me most is that I still don't know if it's a gay bar or not. If you visit Los Angeles, just give up any phobias concerning gay bars because you will never be quite sure.
Pretentious restaurants.
![things that suck about los angeles, things that suck about la, pretentious restaurants]()
It seems like everywhere you go, there's a restaurant challenging how sophisticated your pallet is. "Only for the discerning foodie," advertisements say. Not only is this grossly elitist, it's pallet-supremacist. And that is wrong. Sure, there is tremendous diversity in the culinary scene, but there are only so many taquerias you can go to before you want something that won't give you diarrhea.
Hobos infest the West.
![things that suck about los angeles, things that suck about la, homeless people]()
Legions of homeless people pour into L.A. every year. Most end up on the Westside, in places like Venice, Santa Monica and West L.A. I think "South Park" played a role in this. Maybe I'm just biased because one time an angry hobo pulled out his penis and started furiously masturbating in front of my girlfriend at the beach. Regardless, if the homeless aren't asking you to empty your pockets, they're sleeping in Skid Row.
Zero social cohesion.
![things that suck about los angeles, things that suck about la, zero social cohesion]()
No one likes each other. People from Los Feliz would shit their skinny jeans before going to South Central; people from Beverly Hills would rather fly their private helicopters above the barren wasteland that is Torrance than shop in its malls; and no one likes Pasadena because it takes too long to get there. You could call Los Angeles a melting pot, but the ingredients would have to melt for that to be true.
In Hollywood, you won't see a celebrity, but you might get stabbed by a heroin needle!
![things that suck about los angeles, things that suck about la, hollywood boulevard]()
People have a certain image of Hollywood. They expect Leonardo DiCaprio to be sipping lattes on the strip while Johnny Depp shops for albums at Amoeba as One Direction casually having public intercourse with each other outside the Kodak Theater. Basically, it's a disappointment for those who expect glitz and glamour.
Hollywood Boulevard is a turd that never got flushed. You won't see actors and models, but you might see an old crack whore who never made it. Scruffy hippies and a-holes dressed up as Spider-Man may also ruin your day. Everything, from the littered streets to the zombies walking them, is a standard deviation below what's pleasant.
Even the palm trees have had enough.
![things that suck about los angeles, things that suck about la, palm tree dying]()
Spanish missionaries came to Los Angeles in the late 1880s and planted palm trees. For a while, it gave the city a tropical, coastal feel, but now the trees look like they've succumbed to a horrible zombie disease. They're keeled over and dying. Look at the palm trees along Sunset Boulevard for an indication of the city's decadence.
You're either rich or poor.
![things that suck about los angeles, things that suck about la, rich or poor]()
In the '50s, you could support a family of four with a job as an elevator bellboy, but today you're either a prince or a pauper. Los Angeles has the most inequality out of any city in California (even though it's a unanimously progressive place). So if you're California dreamin' like Peggy Blumquist in "Fargo," remember it's not so bad being a nobody from nowhere. It could always be worse.
You stay indoors all day because driving sucks, so eventually you feel like you're in the witness protection program.
The saying goes that it takes 20 minutes to get anywhere in Los Angeles. In reality, every time you drive you die a little inside. This makes you reluctant to leave your house for even the most innocuous grocery trip. So you stay indoors until nighttime, like a goddamn vampire.
Traffic, gas prices and honking: the three form a hellish trifecta. And since making the drive from Venice to Hollywood takes a level of patience only a monk would be capable of, you end up locking yourself indoors until the coast is clear — which is never.
Everyone 'fakes it till they make it.'
Most people in L.A. don't make it, so they fake it for nothing. This breeds the all too familiar concept that people in the City of Angels are phony. From the entertainment industry to corporate environments, everyone's faking it, so it makes you reluctant to trust people. On a more micro scale, you see it in bars. L.A. bros like to pretend they're the hottest thing since tribal tattoos, but they'll be extremely reluctant to reveal their employment or that they live with 10 other bros in a 600-square-foot apartment.
"People treat Los Angeles like a rental car," says Adam Carolla.
Like a cheap whore, L.A. is only valued for what people can squeeze out of it. Most professionals aren't locals, and most transplants couldn't care less about the city because it isn't theirs. Eventually, this collective mindset builds until you've got a place with a trashy reputation like, well, Los Angeles.
You never know if you're in a gay bar.
One time I went to a bar in midtown called Mandrake. It seemed like an artsy hipster bar, like many others, so I didn't suspect anything. That is, until I saw the not-so-subtle logo. What baffles me most is that I still don't know if it's a gay bar or not. If you visit Los Angeles, just give up any phobias concerning gay bars because you will never be quite sure.
Pretentious restaurants.
It seems like everywhere you go, there's a restaurant challenging how sophisticated your pallet is. "Only for the discerning foodie," advertisements say. Not only is this grossly elitist, it's pallet-supremacist. And that is wrong. Sure, there is tremendous diversity in the culinary scene, but there are only so many taquerias you can go to before you want something that won't give you diarrhea.
Hobos infest the West.
Legions of homeless people pour into L.A. every year. Most end up on the Westside, in places like Venice, Santa Monica and West L.A. I think "South Park" played a role in this. Maybe I'm just biased because one time an angry hobo pulled out his penis and started furiously masturbating in front of my girlfriend at the beach. Regardless, if the homeless aren't asking you to empty your pockets, they're sleeping in Skid Row.
Zero social cohesion.
No one likes each other. People from Los Feliz would shit their skinny jeans before going to South Central; people from Beverly Hills would rather fly their private helicopters above the barren wasteland that is Torrance than shop in its malls; and no one likes Pasadena because it takes too long to get there. You could call Los Angeles a melting pot, but the ingredients would have to melt for that to be true.
In Hollywood, you won't see a celebrity, but you might get stabbed by a heroin needle!
People have a certain image of Hollywood. They expect Leonardo DiCaprio to be sipping lattes on the strip while Johnny Depp shops for albums at Amoeba as One Direction casually having public intercourse with each other outside the Kodak Theater. Basically, it's a disappointment for those who expect glitz and glamour.
Hollywood Boulevard is a turd that never got flushed. You won't see actors and models, but you might see an old crack whore who never made it. Scruffy hippies and a-holes dressed up as Spider-Man may also ruin your day. Everything, from the littered streets to the zombies walking them, is a standard deviation below what's pleasant.
Even the palm trees have had enough.
Spanish missionaries came to Los Angeles in the late 1880s and planted palm trees. For a while, it gave the city a tropical, coastal feel, but now the trees look like they've succumbed to a horrible zombie disease. They're keeled over and dying. Look at the palm trees along Sunset Boulevard for an indication of the city's decadence.
You're either rich or poor.
In the '50s, you could support a family of four with a job as an elevator bellboy, but today you're either a prince or a pauper. Los Angeles has the most inequality out of any city in California (even though it's a unanimously progressive place). So if you're California dreamin' like Peggy Blumquist in "Fargo," remember it's not so bad being a nobody from nowhere. It could always be worse.