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for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 1, 2015On the 13th day of Christmas, my true love said to me, "I think I might be a hoarder."
— Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) December 18, 2012The older you get the more holidays become about keeping your father off a ladder
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) November 27, 2014Scary that at any moment, I could be sharing the road with drivers who look safe, but in reality, are willingly listening to Christmas music
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) November 26, 20138 maids a milking is probably the only day of Christmas I can jack off to
— Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) December 11, 2013Made this so when my boss shouts at me through his office door, it's more festive. pic.twitter.com/dUWXApphY2
— Lloyd Botters (@MrLloydSpandex) December 18, 2014"I don't want a lot for Christmas." Later... "All I want for Christmas is you." EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
— Sacha Fernando (@sacha_is_good) December 14, 2014all I want for christmas is vast material wealth, overwhelming physical appeal, and the adoration of those whose work I envy. that's all
— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) December 15, 2014Multi-colored lights are the Crocs of Christmas.
— Frank Lowe (@GayAtHomeDad) December 3, 2015Every year for Christmas I ask Satan to cure me of my dyslexia.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 3, 2015Bush: Christmas is time for family Rubio: I keep Christ in Christmas Carson: Some toilets are decoys the government uses to collect your pee
— ♡ B ♡ (@SortaBad) December 1, 2015I'm arranging all your Christmas Cards by number of years your marriage has left based on how forced the smiles are in your family photo.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) December 22, 2014Thought about getting a Christmas tree but decided reading old love letters from exes would be cheaper way to trigger nostalgic depression.
— Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) December 14, 2014The new #StarbucksRedCup is extremely anti-Christmas & wrong pic.twitter.com/skUPKyPbTy
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) November 10, 2015[Christmas 12:15am] Mrs. Claus: Shouldn't you have left by now? Santa: [throwing couch cushions] WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KEYS
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) December 7, 2015mr. president, all the mall Santas are dead. the war on christmas is over. *obama pulls a warm bottle of champagne from his desk*
— chuuch (@ch000ch) January 26, 2014Get into the Christmas spirit by remembering how cool Joseph was about an invisible guy impregnating his lady Mary.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) December 8, 2011Christmas break is like going to visit your Facebook feed in person.
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) December 23, 2014mery christmas! i got u a gift "oh wow im sory i didnt get u anything" yes u did!! the feeling of moral superiority. this will last all year
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) December 14, 2014Nothing like opening Christmas gifts to remind you that the people you're closest to in the world know absolutely nothing about you.
— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) December 22, 2014My son was at the front lines fighting the war on Christmas 2012-2014. He was stationed in Starbucks. Pumpkin Spice infantry.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) December 2, 2015Have yourself a merry little christmas sounds pretty condescending
— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) December 11, 2014"Um wow okay" -all of Santa's other reindeer
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) December 14, 2014hmm y'all willin to let a fat man break into your house to drink your milk on christmas but i do it in september and i'm "a nuisance" damn
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) December 2, 2014Why doesn't that toenail fungus character have a TV Christmas special or do the networks not like ratings?
— Rob Huebel (@robhuebel) December 16, 2015The 12 Days of Christmas reads like the amazon wish list of someone tripping balls
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) December 13, 2014Make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is you(r HBO GO password).
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) December 12, 2014ME AT 8 YEARS OLD: can i put the star on the christmas tree MOM: yup DAD: [thinks this means hes no longer the man of the house] bullshit
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) May 13, 2015Please don't underestimate how much we suck, we turned "Merry Christmas" into a point of political controversy
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) December 5, 2015Any tree can be a Christmas tree if you yell at your family around it.
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) December 12, 2012Cashier: do you want cash back? Me: I mean who wouldn't. There's ring of fire, I walk the line. Let's not forget his christmas album
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) March 29, 2015My mom already asked me to make a Christmas list so I did pic.twitter.com/D8wSnTflst
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) November 4, 2014[proposes to girlfriend on Christmas Day] SANTA: Way to make today all about you. Wow. Just, wow
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) November 12, 2015Hey boy are you Christmas cause you always come too soon and you make me really depressed.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) December 7, 2015i say merry christmas when handing coffee to customers at starbucks, i dont give a fuck, i dont i dont even work there. they called the cops
— a bird (@i_eat_fruit) December 8, 2015Ugh. I hate leftovers. At this rate I'm going to be eating Christmas tree sandwiches for weeks.
— Nathan Buckley (@duplicitron) December 25, 2013🎶 I'll Be Home for Christmas / if only in my dreams.🎶 That's beautiful Grandma, but seriously I need a head count ASAP. You coming or not?
— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) December 16, 2014Christmas is ruined pic.twitter.com/IxJFki1Dhh
— cory snearowski (@corysnearowski) December 15, 2014put christ back in christmas and put the god damn southwest chicken melt back on the $5 footlong menu
— everett byram (@rad_milk) December 8, 2014On the 7th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...more damn birds? Honey, we have hens, partridges...the living room is covered in shit
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) December 25, 2013