*sits 27 hours for an oil on canvas portrait* omg delete that. Bartholomew i'm serious do not fucking hang that in the Great Hall
— Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) November 29, 2015We must take this country BACK to make it great again. Mill jobs for children! Full-body wool swimsuits for women! Tuberculosis for all!
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) June 29, 2015If you are bored I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I'm ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) April 3, 2015A near-death experience is just God butt dialing you
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) February 28, 2015Sticks and stones may break my bones Words will also hurt me Compliments make me uncomfortable I have social anxiety I'm a wreck Just go
— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) August 21, 2015Instagram should have an "I can't like this photo because I'm in a relationship but rest assured I like it" button.
— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) July 21, 2015The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we're dating
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) September 15, 2015"Can I get 2 boxes of Sudafed?" "Sorry, by law you can only buy one at a time." "Okay then just the one box of Sudafed and these 7 guns."
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) October 9, 2015If I ever find a dead body while I'm hiking I'm gonna be like finally
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) April 18, 2015It's almost time for bed, so I guess I'll just check Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and one full season of a TV show on Netflix real quick.
— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) March 2, 2015Hey, girl. Is heaven missing an angel? Because they all seem to be male in the Bible and... let me start over. Did it hurt? God's rejection?
— vladchoc (@vladchoc) February 25, 2015Handing him a Coke can to be shared with "Dad" might be the very worst way to tell someone you're pregnant.
— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) September 6, 2015Nightmare scenario: You start dating someone, and then, after deciding they're the one, you learn they say gracias to Chipotle employees
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) November 3, 2015You all laughed at me when I bought a metal detector, but who's laughing now that I found some metal?
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) March 12, 2015There is no louder sound than your dad's sneeze.
— Alex J. Mann (@alexjmann) September 1, 2015Our kids won't even understand the game "Telephone." They'll play "Text Message" where you get the words right but misinterpret the tone.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) August 11, 2015Check out this screencap of some idiot on a dating app who reached out to me through the lonely void, fearing this outcome above all others.
— Daniel Kibblesmith ⚔ (@kibblesmith) June 14, 2015I love how binge watching a tv show is now portrayed as a fun activity instead of an expression of deep emotional turmoil and depression
— Matt Ingebretson (@mattingebretson) July 7, 2015LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it's occupied
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) April 28, 2015call me old fashioned but I just drowned a woman for having the devil inside of her
— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) July 1, 2015Well son, when you were a baby the internet and your mom's yoga teacher told us that vaccines were bad. Anyway sorry your legs don't work.
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) February 6, 2015Why even BOTHER to kiss, if the Fresh Prince audience isn't gonna make the OOOooooo sound the entire time I'm doing it
— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) August 24, 2015[Batman at McDonald's] What's your chicken sandwich called? -A McChicken And the rib? -A McRib [pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 1, 2015When choosing a mate ask yourself "who do I want get stuck circling a full medical-building parking lot with?"
— Maggie Mull (@IAmMaggieMull) September 17, 2015Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 4, 2015— stefan (@boring_as_heck) October 21, 2015Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) January 12, 2015Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) August 21, 2015Really? You're "blessed?" Meaning God-- who created the Heavens and the earth-- he chose you, to have a Michael Kors bag?
— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) October 1, 2015You think your life growing up was hard? My mom used to give us APPLES for dessert. And she later passed away, which was also difficult.
— Shane (@Shanehasabeard) November 15, 2015I may not photograph well, but IN PERSON I also look like something is off!!!
— Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) May 10, 2015My second day of college a kid sat in front of me and Google Image-searched the word "weed" and when the results came up he nodded his head
— cory snearowski (@corysnearowski) March 8, 2015This Uber driver is making me nauseous. Because he got me pregnant one month ago
— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) October 14, 2015i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters pic.twitter.com/z1oVFr9ksW
— everett byram (@rad_milk) November 16, 2015There was an Old Woman Who Lived In a Shoe, and everyone criticized her bad parenting instead of trying to get her better fucking housing
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) July 27, 2015lady you just lost a sale pic.twitter.com/kjkpQjgktx
— rob whisman (@robwhisman) February 15, 2015GRANDPA: I served in WWII, the Korean War and built my own house. ME: I find I'm often too tired to text people back.
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) August 2, 2015If you ever feel lazy, just remember that there were 126 years between the invention of the monocle and the invention of eyeglasses.
— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) May 23, 2015When parents say to kids "go to ur room & think about what you've done" it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) September 18, 2015The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) August 10, 2015hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) October 7, 2015You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace
— Winter Holiday Jason (@longwall26) March 12, 2015[commercial for college] *person shoveling money into furnace* Narrator: Don't you wish there was a better way?
— birthday plug (@oxygenplug) January 26, 2015chicken strips, chicken fingers, chicken doesn't call me back the next day
— woman ray (@lil_escher) November 5, 2015Hey boy, are you my password? Because you are insecure and weak as hell and ultimately will betray me.
— Sarah (@thetigersez) July 16, 2015My favorite sex position? Boy there's so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I'd have to pick, um, reverse...shortstop? I gotta go
— Matt Shirley (@mattsurely) January 5, 2015i saw this tire shop offers to rotate your tires and I'm thinking, pal that's called driving. it's how I got here
— Churlish (@Cryptoterra) October 21, 2015THE GOVERNMENT DOESNT WANT YOU TO SEE THIS BUT I THINK THEY'RE SECRETLY BUILDING A MARIO LEVEL pic.twitter.com/kXTpaRLLpN
— Brian Altano (@agentbizzle) January 9, 2015Taxi drivers in LA are like, "In my country I was a doctor." I'm like, "I get it—I'm a 4 here but back in New York I'm a solid 7."
— Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) January 3, 2015hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend's been kidnapped "stay calm sir, what's ur girlfriend's name" oh she goes to another school u wouldn't know her
— chuuch (@ch000ch) March 4, 2015never in a million years would I ask a tambourine man to play a song for me
— keith buckley (@deathoftheparty) March 22, 2015while u were all distracted ranting & raving about gay marriage, the government was hiding this news story from u pic.twitter.com/ncT3lR9WnO
— christmas lindsey (@Lindzeta) June 27, 2015Age 15: someday I'm going to own a Ferrari Age 20: maybe I'll get a BMW someday Age 25: I hope someone in a Mercedes hits me in a crosswalk
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) September 9, 2015Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: *opens front facing camera*
— moody monday (@mdob11) July 8, 2015idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven't talked to since high school
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) September 5, 2015the cashier at Petsmart just told me I smell really good which would be a compliment if my competition wasn't a bunch of dogs and gerbils
— kristen (@kristendrum) April 2, 2015She says talking to me is like talking to a kid. Therapist: And how many years has this been going on? *holds up 6 fingers* This many
— Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) April 24, 2015A sign language interpreter at a Trump rally just wildly swinging around both middle fingers in all directions as he speaks.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) September 1, 2015Top Movies Your Boyfriend Wants to Watch: -An Idiot Saves the President -Rich Boy Hero 4 -Silent Hero Journey Boy -Fight Fight Fight -Boats
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) March 23, 2015BUILDING INSPECTOR: what's this called DARTH VADER: the death— [inspector's eyes look up from his clipboard] DARTH VADER: uh the health star
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) October 15, 2015PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) October 18, 2015You never really know a person until you hear them try to solve their mother's computer problems over the phone.
— ghost mom (@radtoria) March 6, 2015welcome to sarcasm club nice hair
— a brid (@i_eat_fruit) June 3, 2015I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don't even have to ask how I'm doing
— Megan Kelly Dunn (@megankcomedy) September 25, 2015can u imagine how easy it was to invent stuff in ancient Greece "uh I think we should measure shapes" congrats youre the father of geometry
— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) August 8, 2015Don't date guys with this line in their trim because even the line shows you that road leads nowhere pic.twitter.com/81ySMIJb4E
— Amanita muscaria (@PHREN0L0GY) November 22, 2015INTERVIEWER: do u consider urself independent ME: *looks at mom in chair behind me* MOM: *nods* ME: I'd say yes *gives mom a big thumbs up*
— Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) August 7, 2015This Twitter "conversation" from last night does not cease to amuse me. pic.twitter.com/RpZpCdddFl
— Joon Lee (@iamjoonlee) October 30, 2015What should we call this giant advertising board? PHIL: A philboard BILL: I have a better idea
— Online Hippo (@InternetHippo) April 6, 2015Is your refrigerator running? pic.twitter.com/vYN0FKVHi3
— Aaron Chewning (@AaronChewning) March 5, 2015"Last call for flight 254" [Runs to gate] "You barely made it" [out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I'm a vegan
— Saucy Krismas (@Book_Krazy) August 31, 2015Superman: I am an all powerful alien with only one weakness. Batman: Is it bats? Please say bats.
— Erren Michaels (@ErrenMichaels) April 18, 2015This gif has so many characters and subplots, it's like a Shakespearean tragedy pic.twitter.com/rUYl1SOGIc
— Senongo (@senongo) October 2, 2015*Bill Gates knocks on your door* "Have you accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions into your heart."
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) September 17, 2015Sneak peek at Dr. Ben Carson's latest book: pic.twitter.com/tEZyZ0vNzE
— stefan (@boring_as_heck) October 10, 2015Therapist: It's been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping? Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
— Life Quixotic (@aka_fatman) October 4, 2015They don't hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It's Restockholm syndrome.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 8, 2015my parents r actually on drugs or something pic.twitter.com/lt9MiwOi99
— emily musson (@emilymusson) September 8, 2015classical music sounds really fancy and proper for something composed by guys who threw a bucket of their turds out the window every morning
— Ernie Monies (@crushingbort) August 13, 2015When you recognise that voice you once heard say "TF you mean you're keeping it??" pic.twitter.com/bH2ihZXG5u
— BIG'S BROTHER (@_ThEngineer) September 22, 2015How to write a horror film: 1. Bad things 2. OR ARE THERE 3. Yes bad things 4. Defeat the bad things 5. OR HAVE THEY
— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) September 3, 2015When you're in witness protection but want to go to the ballgame pic.twitter.com/S5nez5mzhH
— Dan McQuade (@dhm) September 10, 2015How do they get the hurricanes to arrive in alphabetical order tho
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) August 31, 2015My mom be putting ordinary shit into other shit. We don't need this for listerine. I feel like I'm in Harry Potter pic.twitter.com/DaqIPSguwC
— D (@DrakoTsunami) August 15, 2015WOMAN: I do not want to have sex with you MAN: Women are so mysterious
— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) July 28, 2015GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
— Mirthday Bat (@MatCro) July 26, 2015So much of being an adult is bringing a bottle of wine someone brought to your house to someone else's house
— emily axford (@eaxford) July 25, 2015saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
— Matt Oswalt (@puddinstrip) June 7, 2015drake entering his atm pin under pressure https://t.co/WQecu7mYXZ
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) July 19, 2015Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) March 21, 2015This picture gave me hope...for the future...if they, the two great enemies, can get along and laugh...why cant we? pic.twitter.com/EZn2FhdUob
— Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) July 14, 2015[spelling bee] Your word is "pneumonia". "Can you use it in a sentence?" Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
— Me (@jesse_street) April 24, 2015Hey baby, I ran us both a gender specific laser bath "Thanks baby" pic.twitter.com/igxzGeK90B
— Turbo Jimmy (@Turbo_Jimmy) July 9, 2015We all just go about our lives, looking each other in the face, pretending like the 1st 2 rounds of Family Feud actually mean something.
— Ja'Crispy Vulcano (@SalVulcano) July 12, 2015"Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?" "No Storm, we broke up. You could say she's my..." *lowers sunglasses* *eye beams obliterate Storm*
— F R O V O (@fro_vo) July 19, 2014[me as a DJ] Where my single ladies at? *drunk responses* This one's for you *turns off music, serious tone* This is a bad place to meet men
— Jebb (@Jennuflect) September 18, 2015someone wake up dan bailey pic.twitter.com/smc6ADk9Xd
— Lana Berry (@Lana) September 14, 2015Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
— viney (@vineyille) January 4, 2015[on deathbed] "Tell my Wif... *cough*" Yes? Tell her what? "Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best" [dies]
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 5, 2015Just a simple photo of a red vase, right? Look closer; it's Hall & Oates. pic.twitter.com/XVvkVn4wKY
— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) June 26, 2015