1. Becky Robinson (@beckyrrobinson)
No no, I said make sure the cookies are CHEWY. pic.twitter.com/822GTTSNQN
— BECKY (@beckyrrobinson) December 10, 2015Mom: How's dating going? Are you seeing anyone new? Me: pic.twitter.com/1periap2VS
— BECKY (@beckyrrobinson) December 7, 20152. Hannah (@TribalSpaceCat)
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) October 18, 2015Very normal stages of anger: 1) kinda upset 2) crying 3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) December 7, 20143. Chris Hudspeth (@CEHudspeth)
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I'm in an infomercial that's exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
— Christopher Hudspeth (@CEHudspeth) January 8, 2014"I can try" is a great response to invitations because you're not even committing to trying.
— Christopher Hudspeth (@CEHudspeth) November 11, 20144. Krista Doyle (@Krista_Doyle)
Twitter is great for networking and also for never trusting anyone again.
— Krista Doyle (@Krista_Doyle) July 3, 2014Mirror, mirror on the wall, how much harder can I ball?
— Krista Doyle (@Krista_Doyle) June 9, 20125. Michael O'Brien (@mycobrian)
I've never been to Oklahoma City, but I imagine everyone walks around that place in the free t-shirts they get at Thunder games.
— Michael O'Brien (@mycobrian) May 14, 2014The hardest working man in show business is the guy with the over the top laugh on The Soup.
— Michael O'Brien (@mycobrian) September 26, 20136. Brandon Wardell (@BRANDONWARDELL)
rap: i make more money than u also im going 2 fuck ur gf me: whoa this song is cool im gonna buy 2 tickets 2 his concert n bring my gf
— BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL) August 15, 2015gays getting married? whats next, me marrying my dog? my dog with piercing blue eyes & a strong body? is that next? me marrying my sexy dog?
— BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL) June 26, 20157. Anthony Troli (@AnthonyTroli)
Honestly I'd love to go out with you but I see a car coming so I'm going to jump in front of it and avoid this question
— Anthony Troli (@AnthonyTroli) July 30, 2014I'm gonna end every argument with my children with "well I fucked your mom!"
— Anthony Troli (@AnthonyTroli) January 20, 20148. Jake Currie (@jakecurrie)
if I don't produce an heir I guess my dad's HBOGO password dies with me.
— Jake Currie (@jakecurrie) August 22, 2014Pretty glad most animals can't talk since it seems like the ones that can won't shut the fuck up about car insurance.
— Jake Currie (@jakecurrie) December 3, 20149. Alex (@thefurlinator)
"I'll see you in hell" should be followed with "and I won't even stop to say hi". Otherwise you're just making plans with someone you hate
— ballin ass furlin (@thefurlinator) January 10, 2014🎶 scroll scroll scroll your phone, gently down your feed, merrily merrily merrily merrily, your life is just a screen 🎶
— ballin ass furlin (@thefurlinator) September 9, 201510. Cory Snearowski (@corysnearowski)
When i was 6 a kid's dad died so for a week i tried to pretend to be his dad so he didn't feel sad & my teacher asked i be tested for autism
— cory snearowski (@corysnearowski) September 24, 2013My second day of college a kid sat in front of me and Google Image-searched the word "weed" and when the results came up he nodded his head
— cory snearowski (@corysnearowski) March 8, 201511. Barbara Gray (@BabsGray)
so if i spend my time eating cheese, watching Netflix, n having orgasms alone, i'm 'depressed', but if someone else is there i'm 'in love' ?
— Barbara Gray (@BabsGray) March 28, 2014some people call it "chugging two mini bottles of wine alone in a bathroom stall". I call it "Operation: Confidence".
— Barbara Gray (@BabsGray) June 14, 201112. Patrick Monahan (@pattymo)
GOOD COP: Crazy girlfriend? I know how THAT is BAD COP: He's trying to get on your side so you confess GOOD COP: Jesus Christ, Frank
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) October 25, 2014*cocks shotgun* I asked you a question: in order to ride a pug would you rather be shrunk to its size or have it grown to your size
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) May 31, 201313. Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione)
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) May 12, 2015*swerves onto exit 208* Sorry mom something came up pic.twitter.com/1aAc8iuFIo
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) September 1, 201514. Jess (@eye_like_sharx)
IDEA: you're at a bar and a guy hands you his phone to put your number into, text REDCROSS to 90999 and he'll donate $10 to hurricane relief
— j e s s (@eye_like_sharx) November 12, 2012the person you love is basically just water
— j e s s (@eye_like_sharx) November 19, 201215. Lon Harris (@Lons)
"It's me, the ghost of your old hermit friend. Kill your dad." pic.twitter.com/XE8MH1z3IX
— Lon Harris (@Lons) December 6, 2015"This is stupid. I will now participate in this." -- The Entire Internet All The Time
— Lon Harris (@Lons) February 27, 201516. Brandon Vaughn (@Brandamonium)
Soup is for when you're too sad to chew
— Brandon Vaughn (@Brandamonium) November 4, 2014If I'm honest with myself my favorite food is just dipping sauces.
— Brandon Vaughn (@Brandamonium) August 27, 201417. Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien)
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth* *twists it around with her tongue* *pulls it out* *it spells "I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND"*
— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) January 22, 2015[Dog Restaurant] "Is the Book Report any good?" Yes, Sir. "How's it prepared?" A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it. "Ooh, I'll have that."
— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) April 15, 201518. Jade (@TheDreamGhoul)
[inventing the parrot] HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) February 18, 2015the guy at the liquor store didn't card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we're just standing here
— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) January 17, 201519. Crissy Milazzo (@crissymilazzo)
every time I log on to Tumblr it's like walking into a room and forgetting why I went there and then watching that room's TV for 20 minutes.
— crissy milazzo (@frizzyfilazzo) October 16, 2014You ever really miss your ex's pets?
— crissy milazzo (@frizzyfilazzo) September 27, 201420. Aaron Burdette (@AaronBurdette)
Oh great, a unicorn! A horse that can stab me! Here, cow, why don't you hold this gun?! Will we ever learn.
— Aaron Burdette (@AaronBurdette) December 6, 2012Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
— Aaron Burdette (@AaronBurdette) January 11, 201321. Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek)
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid. Therapist: And how many years has this been going on? *holds up 6 fingers* This many
— Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) April 24, 2015If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it's that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
— Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) October 13, 201122. Dan Clyne (@danCLYNE)
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes? pic.twitter.com/E9kfdFT26Z
— Dan Clyne (@danCLYNE) September 20, 2013Billy Dee Williams has been simply masterful at distracting us from realizing his real name is William Williams.
— Dan Clyne (@danCLYNE) October 12, 201123. Brett Ryland (@brettryland)
The inside of my car looks like water bottles went to war with receipts and nobody won
— Brett Ryland (@brettryland) June 18, 2013Depressed? Keep your chin up cuz when it's down it looks like there's two of them, which is gross.
— Brett Ryland (@brettryland) December 15, 201124. Matt Shirley (@mattsurely)
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
— Matt Shirley (@mattsurely) June 2, 2015*receives get well soon card* Oh yeah, why didn't I think of that? *gets well soon*
— Matt Shirley (@mattsurely) January 12, 201525. Grant Pardee (@grantpa)
It's Adam and Steve not Adam and Dave. They broke up awhile ago. Are you even on Instagram??
— grant pardee (@grantpa) June 26, 2015Most horrifying words in the English language: "Actually, we've met before."
— grant pardee (@grantpa) April 1, 201526. Ashley Barnhill (@ashley_barnhill)
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
— ashley barnhill (@ashley_barnhill) December 29, 2013No one mentions how the early bird is also exhausted and irritable and unraveling day by day slowly losing the will to live.
— ashley barnhill (@ashley_barnhill) March 11, 201527. Andrew Michaan (@AndrewMichaan)
If someone doesn't respond to your text it's always wise to quickly send several more in a panic.
— Andrew Michaan (@AndrewMichaan) December 22, 2014"I'm a total nerd. I like Star Wars, the most popular movie franchise of all time."
— Andrew Michaan (@AndrewMichaan) May 4, 201528. Alex Mann (@alexjmann)
Someone told me to "have a great weekend" so I said "have a good weekend" to make sure I have a better weekend.
— Alex J. Mann (@alexjmann) May 10, 2014In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it's not.
— Alex J. Mann (@alexjmann) August 21, 201329. Justin Furano (@JustinFurano)
Continential breakfast, much like adulthood, is the opposite of everything you hoped and imagined it would be.
— Justin Furano (@4anno) February 7, 2012There's not a fat person alive who wants to hear who they remind you of.
— Justin Furano (@4anno) October 9, 201230. Miel (@mielmonster)
mondays pic.twitter.com/WsnuWfnvrx
— miel (@mielmonster) October 12, 2015my sister's coworker's son used a bunch of lego pants to spell the word 'pants'. it looks like a different word. pic.twitter.com/JtoeFPvhCS
— miel (@mielmonster) October 5, 2015