Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Amazon Prime is starting to freak me out a little. pic.twitter.com/JrtERByzgC
— Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures) January 4, 2016
My favorite thing about the Beatles being on Spotify is imagining Paul McCartney opening a check for $1.47.
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) January 2, 2016
My mom has spent approximately half of her adult life trying to get me to remember someone I went to elementary school with
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) January 2, 2016
I should get IMDB credit for every time I pretend to be surprised when my credit card is declined.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) January 3, 2016
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can't figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
— chuuch (@ch000ch) December 31, 2015
January is great if you like trees in dumpsters and stories about new diets.
— claudia martin (@cloudypianos) January 9, 2015
Dump your boyfriend if he says "daddy likes."
— Mike Glazer (@GlazerBooHooHoo) December 31, 2015
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won't dig you up and slap you around when I'm feeling mad at skeletons
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) August 13, 2015
(to lady with magic marker checking my Costco receipt) AM I BEING DETAINED
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) December 28, 2015
What am I doing with my life lol pic.twitter.com/QXPcTXXB6S
— Robert Jiggly Jr. (@Cruise_Hi5ive) May 9, 2015
I like to think these bears were supposed to meet for lunch but one got the wrong park pic.twitter.com/OV7GCloNBv
— Baby New Year Agee (@MarkAgee) September 27, 2015
Come on gran, no one planks any more. It's been 4 days now. Get off the floor.
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) December 29, 2015
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
— Jess (@jessokfine) March 23, 2015
Please stop saying "hashtag selfie" out loud as though it's some kind of great joke. It's not a great joke. It is my father's name.
— grant pardee (@grantpa) August 16, 2015
My 3-year-old just yelled "I'm the sunniest bunny, damn it!" I don't know what she's talking about, but I'm too afraid to disagree with her
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 4, 2016
"Tonight, you will be visited by four ghosts and a cherry." -Pac Man Christmas Carol
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) December 22, 2015
Those boner pills were just Tic Tacs, the real boner was in your heart all along!
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) April 25, 2015
1) put away your phone. 2 isn't that better? 3) take out your phone again. 4) isn't that better?
— Ahamed Weinberg (@ahamedweinberg) January 4, 2016
Divorce fireworks. pic.twitter.com/lnyFdGdiIM
— Katie (@thefirstkatie) December 31, 2015
when the Subway sandwich artist is putting too much lettuce on your sub pic.twitter.com/CvmkJKicMw
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) November 17, 2015
Want more? Check out last week's hilarious tweets.