*whispers in your ear during sex* technically Wolverine has died several times, most recently in issue 756
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) August 1, 2014Dylan owns 6 swords. To calculate how often Dylan has had sex, multiply the number of swords he owns by the number zero
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) November 17, 2012face down ass up left right left right b a start
— Churlish (@Cryptoterra) January 13, 2013If my boobs hurt my first thought is that I'm maybe pregnant and my second thought is that I maybe closed them in the oven door again.
— Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) October 2, 2012Sometimes I wonder if I'm pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant
— Merry Cocoa (@MaryKoCo) November 5, 2012I have no sympathy for grooms who worry "this is the only vagina I'll have for the rest of my life." I live that nightmare every day.
— Maggie Mull (@IAmMaggieMull) May 16, 2014Vaginas are like gyms. I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't.
— Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) March 1, 2015woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that's embarrassing
— chuuch (@ch000ch) September 1, 2014guys, i love havin sex, and... parrot behind me interrupts: "SQUAWK im gonna tell my friends ive had sex SQUAWK i hope they believe me"
— Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) July 24, 2013Girls who quote Marilyn Monroe poke holes in condoms.
— Ally Maynard (@missmayn) July 3, 2012Cop: Sir, you were going 69 in a 65 *Exhales cigarette* All I do is 69 *Cop high fives me* You're free to go sir
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) March 24, 2014I wouldn't say I "enjoy" sex so much as I "let the pursuit of it control my life".
— Chris Thayer (@ChrisThayerSays) March 31, 2012In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it's not.
— Alex J. Mann (@alexjmann) August 21, 2013Son, it's time I told you about the Applebirds and the Applebee's. *pumps a mozzarella stick through an onion ring until we get kicked out*
— ghost mom (@radtoria) August 21, 2015Bucket list: give head while wearing the glasses w/ the googley eyes on springs, keep apologizing and putting them back in as they fall out.
— Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) November 26, 2012[high school sex ed class] *scoffs* When are we ever going to use this in real life
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) January 25, 2015Daaaamn girl is your name Katrina because my lower 9th just flooded
— Eireann Dolan (@EireannDolan) February 7, 2013made a spreadsheet of all the muppets I think fucked each other pic.twitter.com/zo39cyZcsy
— i watched hostel 3 (@ruinedpicnic) February 13, 2015We can't have sex until I see you around a bee
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) August 30, 2015My apartment is so hot John Mayer just lazily fingered it while yawning.
— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) August 30, 2012Pick Your Favorite Sex Position: ⚪️doggy style ⚪️missionary ⚪️girl on top ⚪️reverse cowgirl 🔘just happy to be here
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) October 25, 2015Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I've only done that with pizza
— Sean Gabay (@ixSEANxi) July 31, 2012Sext: I HAND U A PANINI AND U OPEN IT UP 2 SEE THE COMMAND "ORGASM" WRITTEN IN THOUSAND ISLAND. U GRIP THE EDGE OF THE FORMICA COUNTERTOP
— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) June 6, 2011Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba
— ♡Handsome Tweet Guy♡ (@SortaBad) August 5, 2014most people dont even know why 69 is funny they just laugh so they dont feel weird. its basically a sex number though, thats why i laugh
— deg (@degg) June 21, 2012A great alternative to Tinder is entering every room screaming, "Does anyone want to bang?!" It also has more dignity.
— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) December 5, 2014my fav sex move pic.twitter.com/6k1rkFB0XA
— Natalie Mooney (@nataliejmooney) January 26, 2014Sex is like a hot dog. I haven't had a hot dog in a long time. Please someone give me a hotdog
— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) November 23, 2015I'll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes while she takes a fucking nap.
— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) April 19, 2012sext: i am skinny and very cold. you somehow mistake my shivering for twerking & are impressed. your standards are low. i like that.
— Jeff Pussy (@lil_escher) May 22, 2012ONE IF BY LAND AND TWO IN THE PINK
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) January 8, 2014PORN IS BIASED. Either MILF or 18. What about postgrad w/ bad credit who drives Subaru to 1pm matinees? No one wants to jerk off to that?
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) November 10, 2012Are there glory holes for just holding hands?
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) April 8, 2013Bob, I'm gonna need you to draw me two dinosaurs having butt sex. "Sure thi--wait, why?" Uh, ever hear of GOD'S PLAN? pic.twitter.com/vXgzGd5C5x
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) December 12, 2014I did that Varsity Blues whipped cream bikini to a guy once but my jugs are so big that he got too full and starting vomiting everywhere.
— Spirit Ghost (@haha_what) July 6, 2013I slept with this guy and left him SO speechless, he hasn't been able to call or text since. Still got it!
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) August 19, 2012I'd like to buy this EXTRA SMALL condom please. "Sir, that is a sleeping bag" *winks at cashier continually until she finishes her shift*
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) October 18, 2013Doggy style means you get a treat afterwards, yeah?
— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) May 7, 2012Don't tell anybody, but I think about Melissa Etheridge sanding a cabinet when I have sex with my bf.
— Marie Colette (@MarieColette) August 9, 2012judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 30, 2015its still funny to me that guys figured out a way to fuck boobs
— Cornell Reid (@CornellReid) February 23, 2011If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
— Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) September 10, 2012Me: Will you stay with me till I fall asleep? Him: Ma'am, please just take your pizza
— moody monday (@mdob11) September 26, 2013