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Twitter1 of 20
Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
I just saw the most beautiful girl, but she was wearing those huge sunglasses so there is still a chance she's a 1200 pound rhinoceros.
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Twitter2 of 20
Women are like snowflakes: they can't drive.
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Twitter3 of 20
Sometimes I feel like that idiot relative on Family Feud, where everyone's all "yeah, good answer..." but clearly it's a shitty answer.
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Twitter4 of 20
this ones for the dudes: fellas what whey protein supplements do ok now that girls have stopped reading, does anyone have Mean Girls on DVD?
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Twitter5 of 20
"Look, I didn't mean NEVER ever" - Taylor Swift drunk texting.
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Twitter6 of 20
Pregnant ladies: when we ask how you're doing, just say "great!" We don't really want to hear all the gory details of growing a human.
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Twitter7 of 20
BYOB/GYN
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Twitter8 of 20
Andrew Garfield has it in his contract that he can only star in movies where he creates algorithms.
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Twitter9 of 20
I smell better than you think I do.
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Twitter10 of 20
Just saw a commercial for a discreet men's pocket catheter. "Is that a catheter in your pocket or are you...Oh, it is. I'm so sorry"
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Twitter11 of 20
I keep things from my doctor that I definitely shouldn't.
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Twitter12 of 20
My iPhone has 2 million times more storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.
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Twitter13 of 20
I just jumped over a frog and me him look stupid in front of like all nature.
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Twitter14 of 20
Since air quotes are so annoying, I'm going to start doing air italics, where I just lean to the side when I want to emphasize something.
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Twitter15 of 20
Hey grandpa, blink once if it's okay for me to take a bath with your cat.
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Twitter16 of 20
"Are we there yet? "Ha ha! Yes, kids. We've been here the whole time! We live in this car now."
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Twitter17 of 20
I'm sorry to inform you that your son Timmy has been suspended from 4th grade for claiming to be the p**sy master when in fact I am the p**sy master.
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Twitter18 of 20
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it away until I'm done talking.
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Twitter19 of 20
Chips Ahoy soft chocolate chip cookies taste like they were made by a robot who saw a picture of a cookie once.
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Twitter20 of 20Next: Last Week's Most Hilarious Tweets
If a man tells you he'll fix it, he will fix it. There is no need to incessantly remind him about it every 5 to 6 months.