Nasty Sexual Fetishes Of Historical Figures

Everyone's got their sexual kinks. Some are just more extreme than others. The following people and their sexual proclivities prove that even the best minds can have a nasty side. Even a criminally perverted side, for that matter.

James Joyce — Farts

James Joyce was an Irish writer in the early 20th century who specialized in complex, stream-of-consciousness tomes including "Ulysses" and "Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man." But some of his most scintillating scribblings arguably came from his love letters with his wife and muse Nora Barnacle, which underscored his mighty lust for farts. Let's take a gander at a few quotes:

"You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole."

"It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her."

"I think I would know Nora's fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have."

Interesting part is, all those excerpts were consecutive lines in one letter. Let's celebrate this influential novelist for his ability to coin new words for the English language. Namely, "farties."

Adolf Hitler — Poo

It seems 2016 is the year for pulling out embarrassing skeletons from the Führer's closet. We've heard stories about his tiny micropenis and his one ball, but did you know the famous Nazi had a lust for coprophilia?

Dr. Walter Langer reported in his intelligence gathering "A Psychological Analysis of Adolf Hitler: His Life and Legend" that Hitler loved nothing more than getting women to stand over him and let loose. Dr. Langer also noted that his niece Geli Raubal was even once on the wrong side of his poo-poo perversion (she committed suicide after one of their "sessions," which has led people to believe that foul play was involved).

Jean-Jacques Rousseau — Spanking

When 18th-century philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau was a wee lad of 8, his adoptive mother spanked him. This seemed to have created a sexual blueprint in his mind that stubbornly persisted throughout his life. In his famous memoir "The Confessions," Rousseau wrote, "Who would believe this childish discipline, received at 8-years old, from the hands of a woman of 30, should influence my propensities, my passions, for the rest of my life, and that in quite a contrary sense from what might naturally have been expected?"

Lyndon B. Johnson — His Own Penis

Lyndon Johnson was a giver. He was the engineer of the Great Society, which showered lower-class America with programs aimed at enhancing their lives, such as Medicare, civil rights, and the War on Poverty. One could speculate such a breadth of generous behavior stemmed from his deep happiness for his massive wanger.

"If a colleague came into a Capitol bathroom as he was finishing at the urinal there, he would sometimes swing all around still holding his member, which he liked to call 'Jumbo,' hooting once, 'Have you ever seen anything as big as this?'" said Pulitzer-winning biographer Robert Caro. One time LBJ was questioned about why the U.S. was involved in Vietnam, to which he replied by pulling out his dick and saying, "This is why."

Chuck Berry — Bathroom Voyeurism

Chuck Berry is best-known for his hits "Johnny B. Goode" and "My Ding-A-Ling." He took special interest in the latter, going as far as to install secret cameras in his restaurant The Southern Air. He amassed many tapes featuring ladies undressing and using the toilet, and this cost his posthumous reputation dearly. In 1990, 60 women came forward and sued him; much like the disgraced Cosby debacle of today, Berry shelled out $1.2 million to his victims in damages.

Benjamin Franklin — MILFs

Famous polymath and perhaps America's most celebrated Founding Father had a notorious sexual appetite. When he wasn't busy inventing things and politicking to the top, the man whose face is immortalized on the $100 bill frequented England's Hellfire Club, which was sort of like the Dead Poet's Society except with a lot of smelly hot sex. Allegedly.

But let's get to the crux of Franklin's lustful quirks. In a letter to a younger friend, he espoused his penchant for dusty poon: "They are so grateful!" the letter concludes, after explaining that it's less of a sin to bang an older broad due to their experience. You can read 1745's "Advice to a Young Man on the Choice of a Mistress" if you're looking for dating advice.

Charlie Chaplin — Teens

Charlie Chaplin was married four times, three of which were to teenagers aged 15, 16 and 17. The bright star of the Silent Film Era was also known to have bedded more than 2,000 women, which is significant because he was 20 inches shorter than Wilt Chamberlain, proving height ain't no big thing, fellas. In between these legions of liaisons, he was married to Lita Gray, Mildred Harris and Oona O'Neill -- all of whom would be considered criminally too young by today's standards.

Chaplin confided in a friend named Harry Crocker: "I have always been in love with young girls, not in an amorous way—just as beautiful objects to look at. I like them young because they personify youth and beauty. There is something virginal in their slimness—in their slender arms and legs. And they are so feminine at that age—so wholly, girlishly young. They haven't developed the 'come on' stuff or discovered the power of their looks over men." Great actor, funny funny man, but this gave me pedo-chills.

Rene Descartes — Cross-Eyed Girls

The father of Western philosophy fell in love with a girl whose eyes were all over the place when he was young. After that, it was all over for him. Writing a letter in 1647, he stated: "As a child I was in love with a girl of my own age, who was slightly cross-eyed. The imprint made on my brain by the wayward eyes because so mingled with whatever else had aroused in me the feeling of love that for years afterwards, when I saw a cross-eyed woman, I was more prone to love her than any other, simply for that flaw..."

Mahatma Gandhi — Slumber Parties with Youngsters

Let us remember that times have changed, and more than 100 years ago it wasn't unnatural for a man to wed his cousin. But the king of nonviolent civil disobedience, Mahatma Gandhi, would go to great lengths to test his chastity, notably organizing what some have called "old man slumber parties" within his ashram. Yes, according to numerous accounts, Gandhi loved to nap naked with nubile groupies. According to founder of the Indo-British Heritage Trust Dr. Kusoom Vadgama, "Gandhi was obsessed with sex and it has all been hush-hushed for all these years. He had a habit of sleeping naked with women, including his great niece and other married women, to see if he could control himself."

To witnesses, historians and even modern leaders, Gandhi pushed his sexual repression to the point of absurdity, going as far as putting his behavior in a category deemed "abnormal and unnatural" by the first prime minister of India. In all, however, these revelations don't take away from the leaps and bounds Gandhi made in securing independence for his people, "sexual weirdo" or no.

Mozart — Rim Jobs & Scat

First Hitler, now Mozart; those damn German stereotypes just won't go away. Mozart's interest in butthole pleasures is well-documented. The classical-era composer who led a musical renaissance nearly 300 years ago even went as far as to create a work titled "Lick My Ass," an upbeat ode to analingus which was a favorite of his to play at dinner parties:

Lick my ass nicely,
Lick it nice and clean,
Nice and clean, lick my ass
That's a greasy desires,
Nicely buttered,
Like the licking of roast meat, my daily activity.
Three will lick more than two,
Come on, just try it
And lick, lick, lick.
Everybody lick his own ass himself.

Music to my ears.