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The Best Buzz From the 2015 Sundance Film Festival

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As the Sundance Film Festival comes to a close, there are now a number of small budget movies buzzing in between the most anticipated films to look forward to this year. With returning Sundance favorite directors and a few bold debuts, this promises to be a great year for movies, big and small. The winners of the festival will be announced shortly after the end of its run on February 1, but here's a look at the best buzz generated so far.

SUNDANCE SPOTLIGHT

Mistress America
sundance film festival 2015, sundance 2015 best films, mistress america
Noah Baumbach returns to Sundance with his post-adolescent comedy of a struggling lonesome college freshman who is whisked away into her soon-to-be stepsister's world of chaos and unabashed excitement. Scores will be settled. Dreams will be chased. Cats will be stolen. The film stars co-writer Greta Gerwig and Lola Kirke. Look out for this classic indie gem.

Tangerine
Straddling the lines of taboo filmmaking, director Sean Baker boldly takes us into the world of transgender prostitutes in Los Angeles. Baker's follow-up to his hit "Starlet" from 2012 features a streetwalker on Christmas Eve out to "find the pimp who broke her heart." The film delves into a unique world that will likely deliver some hard truths, jaw-dropping moments and untapped hilarity. Baker goes for broke here, and it has apparently paid off, as Magnolia Pictures just snagged the rights to the film

The End of the Tour
The film details the true story of author David Foster Wallace (Jason Segel) sitting down with Rolling Stone reporter David Lipsky (Jesse Eisenberg) following his coverage of the Rolling Stones tour in support of their album in 1966. This is James Ponsoldt's follow-up to his beloved coming-of-age tale "The Spectacular Now," which stole the show at the 2013 Sundance Festival. Not much is said of the film, as its cast and subject matter basically sell themselves.

DRAMA

Slow West
sundance film festival 2015, sundance 2015 best films, slow west
Featuring Michel Fassbender as an 1800s tour guide to Scottish aristocracy through the outback as it once was, we see a lovesick man after the woman he loves. Troubles emerge when the traveler turns out to be on the run from outlaws as they attempt a journey through the Wild West. This is John Maclean's writing and directing debut with emphasis on authenticity of the outback at the tail-end of a century.

Z for Zachariah
A clever romance set in a post-apocalyptic world features hunks Chris Pine and Chiwetel Ejiofor as the last two men on the Earth. The only problem, besides being the last two men alive in a post-apocalyptic world of course, is that both fall for the last woman on Earth, who just happens to be played by the most beautiful woman currently alive, Margot Robbie. Awkward, no? The two go head-on in an interesting take on love in a lifeless world with the hottest girl known to man.

COMEDY

The D Train
sundance film festival 2015, sundance 2015 best films, the d train
Jack Black is doing one for all the bullied chubby kids who grew up getting picked on everyday. Black's character returns to his old stomping grounds to help organize his high school class reunion after being the laughing stock for four years. He cleverly befriends ex-super cool high school guy, played by James Marsden, and by the end of their big reunion, the nerds will come home to roost. Or something like that.

The Bronze
Dubbed as the possible "Whiplash" of Sundance 2015, as well as a nod to Napoleon Dynamite, Melissa Rauch stars as a washed-up has-been former Olympic gymnast who now mentors a young super talent. The catch is that her jealous rage over her protege might get the best of her. Reviews have expressed that "The Bronze" is a great idea but may lack in bringing in actual laughs, but still it's one of the festival's most talked-about films, quite possibly because of its epic sex scene.

DOCUMENTARY

Being Evel
sundance film festival 2015, sundance 2015 best films, being evel
The story covering the myth of Evel Knievel is uncorked by short documentary Oscar winner Daniel Junge. The film follows the life and legacy of one of America's greatest stunt icons. Other hyped festival nonfictions include Oscar director Morgan Neville's historic coverage of the 1968 televised debates between Gore Vidal and William F. Buckley Jr. in "Best of Enemies" and the story of comedian turned activist, Barry Crimmins, in the film "Call Me Lucky."

Racing Extinction
From the Oscar winning creators of "The Cove" comes another painful look into reality at mass extinction. "The Cove" was a brutal work of art that exposed the ruthless slaughter of mammals in Japan and the people who fought to save them. The new documentary focuses more on endangered species as a whole and just how close we are to eliminating some of the world's greatest wonders.

Listen to Me Marlon
A uniquely styled biopic of the life of famed actor Marlon Brando is brought to life by Brando himself and himself alone. Extensively unearthed access to hours of audio tapes of Marlon Brando have been cut and spliced into his definitive documentary with no interruptions from outside sources other than Brando himself. The film is carried from the perspective of Brando about his life and life in general with no added materials or interviews, a perfect tribute to our Godfather.

 

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The 8 Biggest Super Bowl Scandals of All Time

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Having a great time usually involves women, booze and drugs. NFL players love to have a great time during Super Bowl week. So, it shouldn't come as a surprise then that the majority of the biggest Super Bowl scandals of all time involve women, booze and drugs. Here are the top eight in NFL history. (Editor's note: "Deflategate" is not a Super Bowl scandal (yet), so save your comments.)

8. Green Bay Packers tight end Max McGee violates curfew the night before Super Bowl I.
super bowl scandals, max mcgee hungover
Violating curfew is one way to put it. Another way is to say that the Packers' backup tight end got absolutely shithoused with several "pretty girls" in Los Angeles and didn't get back to his hotel room until 4 a.m. because he didn't expect to play in the big game. But after starting receiver Boyd Dowler injured his shoulder, McGee was forced into action despite his "raging hangover" and somehow managed to catch seven balls for 138 yards and two touchdowns.

7. Jim McMahon was one wild and crazy guy in the week leading up to Super Bowl XX.
super bowl scandals, jim mcmahon moon
According to GQ, McMahon's Super Bowl week was so bizarre that "even the producers of 'Entourage' would question the plausibility of it all." Besides being an asshole to the media, McMahon mooned a helicopter, pissed on the streets of New Orleans, threw fruit from a balcony with Jim Kelly onto the people below and wore a different number on his practice jersey because he feared snipers were going to kill him after rumors began swirling that he called the women of New Orleans "sluts." Despite the distractions, McMahon and the Bears curb stomped the New England Patriots by 36 points.

6. The lights go out at Super Bowl XLVII.
super bowl scandals, super bowl blackout
Speaking of curb stomping, the Baltimore Ravens were really giving it to the San Francisco 49ers a few years ago when the power went out inside the Superdome in New Orleans early in the third quarter. Baltimore's Jacoby Jones had given the Ravens a 28-6 lead shortly before things went dark because of an "abnormality." Thirty-four minutes later, the lights came back on and so did the 49ers offense. Baltimore would hang on to win, but it wasn't just fans who were crying conspiracy theory. Both Terrell Suggs and Ray Lewis went on the record accusing the NFL of some rather shady shenanigans.

5. Ray Lewis allegedly was involved in the murder of two guys after Super Bowl XXVIII.
super bowl scandals, ray lewis murder charge
Speaking of Ray Lewis, the former Ravens linebacker wasn't even playing in the big game, but he made the trek to Atlanta anyway to party with his boys. "But all hell broke loose" outside a club sometime after 3:30 a.m. when a member of Ray's crew got into an argument with two other clubgoers. A melee ensued, two men were fatally stabbed and Lewis's limo sped away amidst a hail of gunfire. Authorities never found the clothes Lewis was wearing that night, the case against him and his boys fell apart and to this day, nobody has been found guilty of the murders.

4. Brad Johnson paid a guy $7,500 to "doctor" footballs before Super Bowl XXXVII.
super bowl scandals, brad johnson doctored footballs
Long before "Deflategate," below-average Tampa Bay quarterback Brad Johnson found a way to win a Super Bowl against Oakland. One of the reasons was because Tampa Bay's defense was historically good that season. Another reason is that former Raiders coach Jon Gruden was now at the helm for the Buccaneers, and he pretty much knew what play was coming every time the Raiders came to the line of scrimmage. And yet another reason could be that Johnson admitted to paying a guy $7,500 to scuff 100 footballs so they would be easier to grip.

3. Barret Robbins goes AWOL before Super Bowl XXXVII.
super bowl scandals, barret robbins disappearance
Or maybe Johnson and the Bucs were so successful because Oakland's bipolar starting center disappeared the day before the big game and was so incoherent when he returned later that night that head coach Bill Callahan left him off the roster. Robbins allegedly told his wife that he had been in Tijuana all day drinking and celebrating because he thought the Raiders had already won the game. Wide receiver Tim Brown later said that Robbins went nuts because Callahan had changed the game plan just 48 hours before game time and was "throwing the Super Bowl." That's juicy stuff right there.

2. Stanley Wilson went on an epic cocaine binge before Super Bowl XXIII.
super bowl scandals, stanley wilson cocaine super bowl
Nose candy was a problem for Wilson, much like cake was for Dom DeLuise. The Cincinnati Bengals running back had missed the entire 1985 and 1987 seasons because of cocaine use, but he had stayed clean for the entire 1988 campaign leading up to the Super Bowl. However, just before the team's final meeting before the big game, Wilson told teammates he had to go back to his room to get his playbook. Unfortunately, Wilson really went back for the gutter glitter, and running backs coach Jim Anderson found him "sweating and shivering" in his hotel bathtub. Head coach Sam Wyche had no choice but to leave him off the roster, and the Bengals would lose to the 49ers by only four points.

1. Eugene Robinson gets arrested soliciting a prostitute shortly after receiving the NFL award for outstanding moral character the night before Super Bowl XXXIII.
super bowl scandals, eugene robinson super bowl prostitute
This one was almost as ironic as Lil Wayne winning a Grammy for musical excellence. On the eve of Super Bowl XXXIII against the defending champion Denver Broncos, Atlanta Falcons safety Eugene Robinson was busy accepting the Bart Starr Award for "outstanding character and leadership in the home, on the field and in the community." He then allegedly offered an undercover Miami police officer forty bucks for sex. Robinson was pure garbage the next day on the field, and he would later return the Bart Starr Award for obvious reasons.

Who was the greatest player to ever play for your team? The Greatest Player of All Time From Every NFL Franchise

 

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How Porn Scenarios Would Play Out In Real Life

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If you haven't realized it by now, adult films aren't the most accurate portrayal of real life. In reality, a lot more people wear underwear and aren't fully prepared to have an hour of sex with a random stranger in the back of a costume shop. Let's take a look at some of the most common porn scenarios and how they'd actually play out in real life.


The Pizza Delivery Guy
porn pizza guy
Porn: An unsuspecting pizza guy will walk in on at least one ridiculously hot lady who's dressed like she's going to a VIP club instead of the sweatpants and baggy t-shirt that usually accompany a late night pizza order. She'll pull him in and insist he has unprotected sex with her.

Real Life: Whoever ordered that pizza is going to want to eat it before it gets cold. By the time you finally figure out what toppings you want and wait for delivery, hunger is your top priority. If you did try to sneak in a lengthy love making session, it would be interrupted every 5 minutes with your manager blowing up your phone wondering why a single delivery less than two miles away has taken over an hour.


The Inappropriate Doctor
free mammogram funny
Porn: A doctor starts a routine exam on an attractive patient and then starts exploring areas that definitely didn't need to be treated. Who needs the Hippocratic oath when your patients have bazongos like that?

Real Life: On top of nurses, other doctors, maintenance men, sick people, and the receptionist clearly hearing you getting it on with a patient, he's violating just about every law you can possibly break as a doctor. He might as well give her one of his prescription pads on the way out. Also, let's not forget he completely forgot to treat whatever illness it was that originally brought her in, so now she's going to have to go to a walk-in clinic and pay yet another co-pay. His Yelp reviews are going to be terrible.


The Teacher
hot teacher
Porn: A hot teacher, either male or female, will give a student a bad grade, but inform them that they can get their test scores boosted with a little oral exam, if you know what I mean. The student is happy to oblige and will sometimes invite the other students in detention to join in. Yay teamwork!

Real Life: That teacher would offer a better grade for sex and then would be a trending topic on Facebook by the end of the week for being the creepiest teacher since Jack Black snuck into that 5th grade teacher's job in "School of Rock." Also, it's been well over an hour and the bell hasn't rung yet. I'm starting to doubt this is even a licensed educational facility. By the way, no math teacher looks like Lisa Ann, and even if you happened to hit the jackpot of hot teachers, she's not going to have to blackmail students into sex, especially ones that are of legal age and are still taking introductory high school math classes.

The Stepmom
milf meme
Porn: A guy will be hanging out in his room, usually giving himself a ferocious HJ, when his new stepmom will walk in and catch him in the act. He'll apologize profusely, but she isn't upset. As a matter of fact, she's wanted to get it on with her 28-year-old stepson that still lives at home and has monster truck posters on his wall. At first he's hesitant and will loudly declare, "BUT YOU'RE MY STEPMOM," but eventually he gives in and they spend the next 45 minutes engaged in an act that will result in neither of them ever being able to make eye contact at a family dinner again.

Real Life: The biggest concern of a new stepmom with an adult stepson still living at home would be insisting that he gets a job, rather than getting naked on his waterbed with Transformers sheets. Also there's no way she would have caught him taking care of his own business because no one in the history of boners has ever turned their web browser to private mode without closing the door, locking it, checking the windows, buying a home security system, and attaching an air horn to the door that'll go off if it gets even slightly ajar.


The Landlord
jane breaking bad jesse
Porn: A jobless guy is asleep in the middle of the day when suddenly there's an angry knock at the door. It's his landlord who is, you guessed it, ridiculously attractive and she informs him that he's three months behind on rent. He has an hour to get his stuff out and vacate the apartment. Or, maybe they could work something else out? And by something else, I mean sex. They get it on and his massive debt is forgiven.

Real Life: Most landlords look more like the creature that lived under Fred Savage's bed in "Little Monsters" than they do a porn star, but it wouldn't matter because a written notice would be placed on the door long before it got to this point. If he happened to be gone, he would've returned home to find all of his stuff sitting on the street and his credit would be ruined. What sort of successful business could ever be profitable accepting mouth love in place of overdue rent? Not in this economy, am I right?

The Peeping Tom
peeping tom back to the future
Porn: Some creepy dude will be peering through a girl's window while she's getting dressed or, uh, taking care of her own business. Oh, he also has a camera. The girl will catch him and is only mildly startled for some reason. Then she'll invite him to come in and join, because who doesn't want to express their gratitude to a guy hanging out of a tree with binoculars?

Real Life: No one has ever been flattered because a guy confesses that he's been secretly stalking her for weeks. Not only is she going to throw every object at him that isn't bolted to the ground, he's also going to have to inform all of his neighbors of his former hobby when he moves into a new apartment. The only video he'll be starring in is the clip from the local news explaining why he was arrested.

The Hitchhiker
hot hitchhiker
Porn: A girl needs a ride, so a van full of guys in tank tops and jeans without underwear offer to take her wherever she wants. For some reason she agrees and is soon talked into letting them all have a furious free for all in her bikini area in exchange for the lift. Oh, there's also one guy holding a camera, but he promises it's not running and he's just holding it up to work his triceps.

Real Life: She would call an Uber and the ride would end up costing around $11. The driver would probably offer her a bottle of water and some mints, but if he was the least bit rude she could leave him a bad review and he would lose business. Maybe she'd even get the ride for free if it was her first one and she recommended it to a friend that signed up. Either way, it's a much shorter trip with way less male nudity being dangled in her face.

The Random Guy on the Street
guy on street picking up girls
Porn: A guy wearing either a gold chain or a puka shell necklace is walking down the street with a camera. He approaches an attractive girl and suggests they either go back to his secret hump shack or around the corner of the closest dumpster and get it on. Of course the girl thinks it's a marvelous idea and comes along with very few questions or concerns.

Real Life: If a guy that looks like his DVR is full of "American Ninja Warrior" approached a random woman and suggested she should come back to his studio for some private modeling, the best he could hope for is to just be tased. If you somehow did get her to walk around with you, a $20 offer to pop her top off and let you smell her bare butt would be the end of the conversation and not the beginning of an HD video that caused you to go over on data for the month.

The Busted Cheater
funny cheating meme
Porn: A man or woman in a committed relationship will walk in on their partner bumping and grinding in their bed or on the couch. After clearing their throat or asking what's going on, the two cheaters will sort of stop and act shocked, but with very little explanation or convincing, the one that busted their cheating partner and best friend will decide the best course of action is to join in. It's not like that's going to be awkward 5 seconds after you've all finished.

Real Life: If someone gets caught in the act of cheating, usually the one that walks in on it doesn't need an explanation. Things are pretty clear and the one that got caught had better hope they can grab any valuable or sentimental items on their sprint to the door, because everything left behind is going to look like the west coast halfway through "Independence Day." The only thing they'll all be joining in on is a court date to find out how much alimony that midday crotch rodeo is going to cost.

The Babysitter
hot babysitter
Porn: A babysitter that's dressed to look like a child, but makes sure to verbally state that she's over 18, breaks one of the house rules and is caught by the dad, who's carrying around a camera for some reason. He'll tell her that she can either get it on with him or he'll tell her parents she broke a lamp. This is where she'll reveal that she's had a crush on him all along and the two of them will get naked and loud, yet somehow never wake up the sleeping kid.

Real Life: First of all, that kid definitely would have woken up when his dad and babysitter were both grunting and moaning on the sofa. It never would have even gotten to that point because as soon as the dad informed her that she has to either tell her parents she broke a lamp or touch his old balls, she would have gladly chosen the lamp and paid the $11 or gone to IKEA and personally replaced it. Plus Care.com would have been notified and the only babysitter he would ever be able to get would be from the depths of Craigslist in exchange for a muffler from a '96 Corolla.

Guys With Ponytails
dicaprio ponytail
Porn: They end up getting it on with the hottest women you've ever seen in your life.

Real Life: No man with a ponytail has ever had sex. It's a scientific fact. Sorry ponytail guys, but you brought this on yourself.

 

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UPS Man Takes a Pee on a Customer's House

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Geez, man. Not even the Shaggy D.A. did that, and he was a dog half of the time.

According to UPI, a UPS driver in Houston was fired after a customer's surveillance cameras recorded him not only throwing a package over a fence but also...wait for it...taking a leak on the house before he left.


Ben Lucas said he checked the surveillance footage after noticing the contents of the package - ammunition, chemicals and a machine used for cleaning guns - were damaged, and to say he wasn't very pleased with what he saw would be a bigger understatement than saying Kate Upton has a nice rack.

"So basically, I paid someone to come to my house and pee on it," Lucas told a Houston television station.

Lucas also said a UPS supervisor called him to offer an apology after he posted the surveillance footage to his Facebook page, and she told him he would be receiving a "we're sorry" gift.

As for the driver, UPS said he was a seasonal employee who has since been terminated, but they fell short of saying what he really is: a huge asshole.

Here's another guy with some serious issues: Alabama Mailman Caught on Video Throwing Packages Into Ravine

 

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Woman Shoots Webcam Porn Video In Oregon State University Library

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If you want to cause an absolute ruckus on a college campus, getting involved in porn seems to always do the trick.

According to Total Frat Move, a sultry webcam video was recently shot at what seems to be one of the libraries at Oregon State University. The video - which is rapidly making the rounds on the ol' Internet - features a rather busty blonde, who very coyly begins to strip for the camera on her computer while making sure no one is around to witness the show.



As the video progresses, she eventually finds a way to flash the goods while wearing a hoodie, so that anyone behind her won't realize what she's doing. Smart thinking.

pornhub oregon state library

From there, this little lady only gets even more...er...playful. We can't give you any more detail or link to it because we'd like to keep our jobs, but the video has made it's way to Pornhub and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to come up with the right keywords to find it.

Word on the Internet is that she is very possibly a student who attends the university and has been identified. We're guessing this probably won't play out too well for her academic standing once the school's administration has their way.

So, happy hunting. If you need us, we'll be applying for a library card.

(h/t Bro Bible)

 

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Watch This Woman in a Wheelchair Walk Over to a Shelf and Steal Stuff

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If there is a hell, this British woman just punched her one-way ticket.

According to The Independent, British police are looking for a woman using a wheelchair despite the fact that she doesn't need one and her male accomplice after surveillance cameras at a Marks & Spencer store in Finham recorded them shoplifting.

The video shows the woman sitting in her wheelchair looking over some tasty food products. She then stands up, walks over to the shelf and calmly stuffs some of them into her coat. Moments later, the man who was pushing her throughout the store returns, puts his shoplifted items in her backpack and the two thieves leave the store.


While on the surface the scam would actually seem to be quite creative, police said the crime was "straight out of 'Little Britain,'" a show that features a character who also fakes his disability, and let's be honest: that lack of originality makes this episode of thievery even worse.

If you're in a wheelchair and you see Kanye West, get away as fast as you can before he tells you to stand up: Kanye West Tells Concertgoer in Wheelchair to Stand Up

 

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Today's Funny Photos

Key & Peele Are Back With Even More Hilarious Football Player Names

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You would think this would be old by now, but Key & Peele have done it again. In order to promote their upcoming Super Bowl special, they've released another awesome collection of ridiculous East/West Bowl names. There are a few special guests in this batch, making it even more enjoyable.

 

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Amanda Lynn Is A Mystical Internet Angel

Guy Gets Back At His Friend With Hilarious 'Lost Dog' Flyer Prank

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The first rule of a prank war is that if you are the victim of a prank, you have to come back at the person who pranked you on much larger scale. Unfortunately for Dave, his prank victim did just that. Dave's friend - who goes by the Twitter handle @JokesForPeople - posted this flyer for a nonexistent lost dog all over town. And the results were hilarious.

Lost dog prank











 

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The Timeline of Reading a Book

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If you've ever been around a person who is a big reader, you've probably heard these phrases: "You just HAVE to read this book," or, "This book is so good I just can't put it down!" Personally, I've never been a big book reader. I enjoy reading articles and magazines, but can probably count on one hand the number of books I have read for pleasure. But that doesn't mean I don't give it a shot. Here is a graph that illustrates my typical book-reading experience. Check it out while I go pick up a copy of "The Goldfinch."

timeline of reading a book, reading a book graph, funny reading graph

 

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Seattle Man Has His Exes Write Reviews for His Tinder Profile, and It's Working

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It's not very often that you hop on Tinder looking for brains, but we may have just found the smartest Tinder user alive.

According to Reddit, a 26-year-old Seattle man named Jake thought he was taking his love life a tad too seriously, so he decided to have some fun and reach out to his ex-girlfriends in hopes that they would write a Tinder review for him and rate him somewhere between one and five stars.

Surprisingly, many of them obliged, although some more willing than others. But after tallying up the reviews, Jake's exes gave him an average of four out of five stars, and his matches blew up as a result.

Guy on Tinder has exes write his reviews, jake tinder reviews
In fact, upon receiving a 1 a.m. request from Jake to write him a Tinder review, one ex decided to break up with her boyfriend and book a flight from Long Beach from Seattle just to get her hands on some Jake (seriously, she sent him this photo to prove it).

Guy asks exes to write his Tinder reviews
It couldn't be confirmed, but a 1,200-mile Tinder hookup might be some kind of record.

This guy asked for some "butt stuff," and a girl agreed to give it to him: This Guy Has Mastered the Art of Picking Up Girls on Tinder

 

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The Funniest GIFs of the Week

18 Pictures of Drake That Proves He's Secretly a Clingy Girlfriend

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If you aren't familiar with Drake outside of his music, he's quite hilarious. Unfortunately most of the time it's not intentional. His favorite sports team is whichever team will let him hang out with them and he gets more excited about meeting new people than a lonely puppy. Here are just a few of the pictures that prove what we've suspected for some time; Drake is secretly a clingy girlfriend that refuses to accept boundaries.
drake clingy girlfriend
"...and then he said ORANGE you glad I didn't say banana! Hahahaha! Do you get it, babe?"

drake clingy girlfriend
"Baaaaabe! You've been gone for like TEN WHOLE MINUTES! I missed youuuu!"

drake clingy girlfriend
"I know you're at work, but I just needed one quick hug from my snuggle monster!"

drake clingy girlfriend
"I get that you're busy, but I just worry when you don't answer my texts right away. Also, who is that girl over there that keeps staring at you?"

drake clingy girlfriend
"New shoes? Stop it! I've had these old things for months. You are the sweetest ever!"

drake clingy girlfriend
"He doesn't want to make a joint Facebook account yet, but I'm working on it! Haha that is SO us!"

drake clingy girlfriend
"Omg I can't believe we ran into each other at the place you said you were going to be! We are totally soulmates!"

drake clingy girlfriend
"I am SO excited you decided to hang out with me instead of your friend! YAY!!!"

drake clingy girlfriend
"What if we wore matching sweaters to your birthday party? Wouldn't that be ADORABLE?!"

drake clingy girlfriend
"Sweetie, are you gonna introduce me to your friends? Babe? Baaabe?"

drake clingy girlfriend
"Can you imagine if we were on the kiss cam? Haha if we are, we should take a picture and totally make it our profile pics!"

drake clingy girlfriend
"I missed this. I missed us."

drake clingy girlfriend
"I told you that you work too hard. Let's just take a trip this weekend. It'll be just me and you and we'll go to that cute little bistro I've been wanting to try!"

drake clingy girlfriend
"I got one of those basketball costumes like you always wear so we could be samesies! Do you love it or do you LOVE IT?"

drake clingy girlfriend
"Uh, sweetheart. I brought this basketball over for you, so why are you using someone else's? Oh I guess mine's not good enough for you now?"

drake clingy girlfriend
"I'm going to text you AS SOON as I wake up so it can be like we're lying right next to each other! OMG this is the most special moment of my life!"

drake clingy girlfriend
"Oh that's fine. No, you go out with your friends. I had a lot of plans tonight anyway. It's not like I was counting down the moments until we hung out or anything. Not at all."

drake clingy girlfriend
"If he doesn't answer one of these 67 texts in the next two minutes I'm calling the police because clearly something is wrong. Please be OK, Boo Boo."

 

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Dad Plots Revenge On Daughter By Replacing Vodka With Water, Plan Totally Backfires

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hot girl drinking vodka
A British man was sick and tired of his teenage daughter eating his favorite snacks (butter biscuits covered in dark chocolate that he calls cookies) no matter where he hid them, so he decided to fight fire with fire to teach her a lesson.

After searching her room for his missing cookies and coming up empty, he came across a bottle of her vodka. So, he decided to replace that vodka with water and put the bottle back in her bag. The devious dad posted on Reddit: "I chuckled to myself at the thought of the disappointment that she and her friends would be experiencing in a few short hours."

But the payoff from the father's prank on his daughter never came. In fact, his efforts were completely fruitless. After a night out partying with her friends in which he never heard from her, he asked her the next day how her evening had gone.

"Oh," she replied, "it was weird...we had some vodka but when we drank it, it was water!"

Pleased with himself, the dad asked what she did after that.

"Well," she said, "we just took it back to Tescos (sic) and they replaced it with a new bottle for us!"

There you have it. Tesco demonstrates quality customer service, but screws over a dad looking for sweet revenge. Not only that, but they sent a letter of apology to the daughter, as well:

vodka water prank, tesco letter of apology, dad pranks daughter backfires
Some dads can never win. (h/t Gawker)

 

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Daniela Dib is a Sexy Canadian Triple-Threat

The Best 'Special Instructions' Pizza Deliveries, Vol. 2

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Thanks to the Internet, we have all come to enjoy the photos of hilariously odd special instructions people have added to their pizza deliveries. But as time goes on, those special requests only seem to get weirder and more extreme. That's why we had to put together another volume of ridiculous pizza delivery requests. Some are actually fulfilled, others are not. Some are incredibly elaborate, others cut right to the chase. Either way, they're all hilarious.

funny special instructions pizza, funny pizza special requests, funny delivery requests
























funny delivery requests, funny special instructions pizza











 

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Today's Funny Photos

Super Bowl XLIX Cocktails to Serve at Your Super Party

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We're two days away from the big game, a cross-country matchup between two #1 seeds that's sure to be a thriller. More importantly, though, it's time to prepare for the Super Bowl parties. Whether you're planning an elaborate spread or not, it's important to not neglect the refreshments. Consider these cocktails that work in each city's iconic respective beverage, and then one for the casual fans, too.

If you're rooting for Seattle:

SEAHAWKS COFFEE KICKER

super bowl cocktails, seahawks coffee kicker
It's nearly impossible to not think of coffee in relation to Seattle. Salute the boys with this iced coffee cocktail.

1 oz. Reyka Vodka
0.5 oz. Solerno liqueur
0.5 oz. Kahlua coffee liqueur
4 iced coffee cubes

Combine vodka, Solerno and Kahlua in a shaker with regular ice. Shake and strain into a tall glass over iced coffee cubes.

SEATTLE MANHATTAN (by Jim Beam)
super bowl cocktails, seattle manhattan
1 part Jim Beam Black(R) Bourbon
1/2 part Coffee Liqueur
1/2 part Sweet Vermouth

Shake with ice and strain into a martini glass. Garnish with a Maraschino Cherry.


If you're rooting for New England:

Patriot Punch
super bowl cocktails, patriot punch
Sam Adams, the iconic Boston lager, is brewed miles away from Gillette stadium. So raise a glass with this beer cocktail.

1 part Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum
2 dashes Hot Sauce
1/4 of a Fresh Lime
1 part Ginger Beer
Top with Sam Adams Lager

Squeeze the lime into a beer glass. Fill with ice. Add hot sauce, Sailor Jerry and ginger beer. Top with Sam Adams lager. Garnish with a lime.

NEW ENGLAND MAPLE BACON MANHATTAN (by Jim Beam)
super bowl cocktails, new england maple bacon manhattan
2 oz Jim Beam(R) Original
½ oz Sweet Vermouth
½ oz 100% Pure Maple Syrup
1 Dash Angostura Bitters
Bacon Strips

Build ingredients in mixing glass with ice and stir together. Pour over ice into an old fashioned glass. Garnish with a bacon strip.


And finally, if you aren't rooting for either team and you're just there to day drink and stuff your face:

The Red Hot Meal In A Glass
Frank's Red Hot
Be honest, there's a good chance your favorite team isn't even playing. So, why not just enjoy the most popular day drinker's drink with a some delicious Super Bowl snacks as your garnish?

1 quart tomato juice
1/2 cup vodka
2 Tbsp. FRANK'S(R) REDHOT(R) Original Cayenne Pepper Sauce or FRANK'S(R) REDHOT(R) XTRA HOT Cayenne Pepper Sauce
2 Tbsp. FRENCH'S(R) Reduced Sodium Worcestershire Sauce
2 Tbsp. prepared horseradish
1 Tbsp. Lemon juice
1 tsp. celery salt

Mix all ingredients in large pitcher. Chill and then serve over ice.The garnishes are all up to you. Anything is fair game. Olives, celery, pickles, bacon, shrimp, steak fries, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, seriously...anything.

 

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The Top 10 Cartoon Theme Songs of the '90s, Ranked

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The task of whittling down every '90s cartoon theme song to the ten best is nearly impossible, not to mention debatable to no end. With that in mind, we developed our own set of criteria with which to rank them.

Criteria:
1) First and foremost, the series had to have PREMIERED between 1990 and 1999, knocking out what we assumed were sure things such as "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and "Duck Tales," both of which actually premiered in 1987.
2) No adult-oriented TV shows were allowed. Bye-bye "Family Guy."
3) All theme songs had to be original, catchy, and/or memorable, while sufficiently explaining the concept of the series in a nutshell through its visuals or narration. Furthermore, while not necessarily a disqualification, excessive narration or use of clips from the series in lieu of original animation for the theme song were highly discouraged. The "Gargoyles" opening would be a perfect example of both no-nos in one.
4) If the series was based on a movie, the theme song can't just be a variation of a song or theme from said movie. You won't be seeing "Aladdin" or "Beetlejuice" anywhere beyond this point.
5) Rankings do not take into account the quality of the series themselves. This is based on opening theme song only.

Now without further adieu, we give you our Top 10 Cartoon Theme Songs of the '90s. (Click on the show title for a video link.)

No. 10 - Eek! the Cat (1992)
top 90s cartoon theme songs, eek the cat
A toss-up between a number of great opening credits from "CatDog" to "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective", our #10 pick won out by a singed hair. Ultimately, this theme song had everything we were looking for and then some. Anyone who watched this series would instantly recognize it, and anyone new to it can guess how the title character's life shakes out on a day-to-day basis. To top it off, the song is zany fun and shows you exactly the kind of madness you are in for.

No. 9 - Captain Planet and the Planeteers (1990)top 90s cartoon theme songs, captain planet and the planeteers
We heavily debated this one, as while the "Captain Planet" theme song is indeed memorable and probably known by even those who've never seen a single episode, it suffers from heavy narrative. On top of that, it wasn't even played during the opening credits, only heard at the end of each episode. However, it's still catchy and sets up the plot well, so we'll give it a pass as a theme song. After all, we never specified that it had to be at the beginning of the show. Plus, some nice person cut the end credits music with the opening credits animation, sealing the deal.

No. 8 - Darkwing Duck (1991)top 90s cartoon theme songs, darkwing duck
We wanted to put this one towards the top of our list -- we really did -- but catchy as it is, it consists of almost all clips from the series with very little original visuals. Why do we need to see snippets of a show we are about to watch? That said, they're still edited together quite well and show off a number of characters from the show. Coupling that with the amazing song itself, this theme still comes out a winner, just not THE winner.

No. 7 - Rugrats (1991)
top 90s cartoon theme songs, rugrats
Simple, entertaining, and shorter than most theme songs, the fact that it's still so memorable is a testament to its greatness. Best of all, the animators do a wonderful job with scope here, as you not only get to see these babies from a viewer's perspective, but also the big world around them through theirs. All that aside, we challenge you to walk past a piano or xylophone and not try to play the "Rugrats" theme immediately (okay, maybe after you play the "Jaws" theme first to get warmed up).

No. 6 - Kablam! (1996)
top 90s cartoon theme songs, kablam
Let's face it, there has never been a show quite like "Kablam!" either before or since "Kablam!" While that may sound like we are praising the series itself, blatantly disregarding our own Criteria #5, we're simply pointing out how well the intro captures its essence. The opening credits are as fun and original as the material to come, and its unique blend of cartoons and comic books assures it won't soon be forgotten (even though many people probably have forgotten it).

No. 5 - Bobby's World (1990)top 90s cartoon theme songs, bobby's world
"Bobby's World" was all about the imagination of a child. But if you just watched the intro theme song, you already knew that. While the animation alone warrants these opening credits a spot here, it's the music that accompanies it that really takes it to the next level. The carnival-like vibe it instantly puts out lets you know you are in for a fun ride, while it also works to seamlessly transition the visuals from reality to the inner workings of Bobby's mind and back again. Best of all, it hasn't lost an ounce of its punch in 25 years. That's right, "Bobby's World" is now 25 years old. Go ahead and let that sink in.

No. 4 - Doug (1991)
top 90s cartoon theme songs, doug
Combine the simplicity of the "Rugrats" theme with the imagination of "Bobby's World" and you've got yourself the opening credits seen here. Seriously, there's creative ways to get people to watch your show, and then there's "Doug," an intro that introduces you to all the key players and their relationships with each other with no more than a pencil line. The fact that the theme song itself will be stuck in your head the rest of the day is just a bonus. While the later iteration of the opening credits is not without its charms, even with better visuals it still pales in comparison to its simpler yet more charming predecessor.

No. 3 - X-Men (1992)
top 90s cartoon theme songs, x-men
While we fully expect death threats or worse for placing the "X-Men" opening credits here instead of "Batman: The Animated Series," let's not forget trusty Criteria #5. Don't get us wrong, we consider "Batman: TAS" one of the best '90s cartoon series of all-time, but as far as opening credits are concerned, it's got nothing on "X-Men." Not only does "X-Men" showcase just about every major player on the series, but it does so with loads of action and fitting dramatic music to match. If there can only be one best superhero theme song from the '90s (which, for the sake of not overloading this list with them, there can), then X-Men is hands down the way to go.

No. 2 - Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog (1993) & Sonic the Hedgehog (1993)
top 90s cartoon theme songs, sonic the hedgehog
We didn't realize both of these series were running at the same time back in the '90s, but apparently they were. That said, it's impossible to choose which intro is better, as not only was the visual style of each one completely different, but so was the tone. Not to fall back on Batman again, but if "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog" was '60s Batman, then "Sonic the Hedgehog" was Christopher Nolan Batman. That extends to the theme songs, too, which are both great in their own right depending on which style you prefer. Regardless, each captures its respective tone perfectly, leaving neither ahead of the other.

No. 1 - Animaniacs (1993)

Anyone who was either a child or had children in the '90s will know the "Animaniacs" intro by heart, and with good reason. The creme de la creme of cartoon theme songs (sorry, "Tiny Toon Adventures") not only captures everything about the series perfectly, it does so with complete self-awareness and satire throughout. It's greatness doesn't stop there, either. By the time the theme song is over, you feel like you've already watched a whole episode, with introductions to both main and side characters given, a general plot for each laid out, and best of all, a variant ending every time. We would expect no less from our #1 spot.

 

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