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NFL Starters Weigh As Much As ...

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As the saying goes, these 2014 NFL starters are "built like football players." But what are football players actually built like? Here are a few comparisons that illustrate just how much punch these guys are actually packing.
Joe Flacco
NFL Starters
Baltimore Ravens
245 pounds
Weighs as much as: 12 full grown male pugs

Aaron Rodgers
NFL Starters
Green Bay Packers
225 pounds
Weighs as much as: Hot Dog Eating Champion Takeru Kobayashi, plus 776 hot dogs

Adrian Peterson
NFL Starters
Minnesota Vikings
217 pounds
Weighs as much as: Two Peter Dinklages, riding two scooters

LeSean McCoy
NFL Starters
Philadelphia Eagles
207 pounds
Weighs as much as: A miniature llama in a 16' inflatable kiddie pool

Calvin Johnson
NFL Starters
Detroit Tigers
236 pounds
Weighs as much as: Jim Henson and eight Muppets

Jadeveon Clowney
NFL Starters
Houston Texans
249 pounds
Weighs as much as: A "Jurassic Park" pinball machine
Peyton Manning
NFL Starters
Denver Broncos
230 pounds
Weighs as much as: A model playing Xbox 360 on a 78" LED Flat Screen TV

Michael Jasper
NFL Starters
Buffalo Bills
375 pounds
Weighs as much as: An orca whale at birth

Dontari Poe
NFL Starters
Kansas City Chiefs
346 pounds
Weighs as much as: Seven holiday lawn blowups

Philip Rivers
NFL Starters
San Diego Chargers
228 pounds
Weighs as much as: An average-sized lederhosen-lady, carrying 13 two-liter glass beer steins

 

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The Most Awesome Indie Flicks You've Gotta See

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You don't need to drop $20 on the latest blockbuster superhero movie to be entertained. Read on for a list of the best indie movies of all time, featuring some of your favorite celebs before they were famous, smoking hot actresses, and some of the most badass characters in movie history.

1) Bottle Rocket
Indie films
Released: 1996
Actors: Luke Wilson, Owen Wilson, James Caan, Lumi Cavazos, Robert Musgrave
Director: Wes Anderson
Why it's Awesome: The Wilson brothers' debut movie has everything from a mental asylum breakout to a whirlwind romance with the hotel cleaning lady -- and a poorly plotted heist scheme along the way.

2) This Is Spinal Tap
Indie films
Released: 1984
Actors: Christopher Guest, Michael McKean, Harry Shearer, Rob Reiner, Fran Drescher, Bruno Kirby
Director: Rob Reiner
Why it's Awesome: This faux documentary paved the way for comedies like Talladega Nights, Zoolander and Blades of Glory. An 80s metal band goes balls out into "metal culture," believing all of their over-exaggerated song lyrics so completely that you have to laugh.
3) Drugstore Cowboy
Indie films
Released: 1989
Actors: Matt Dillon, Kelly Lynch, James Le Gros, Heather Graham, Max Perlich, James Remar, William S. Burroughs
Why it's Awesome: This movie cleaned house during the indie award season, going home with the "Best Film" and "Best Director" awards from the National Society of Film Critics. Based on a true story of convict James Fogle (who penned the novel the screenplay is based off of while in prison), Drugstore Cowboy follows a crew of drug addicts as they rob pharmacies across the country to feed their habit.
4) Reservoir Dogs
Indie films
Released: 1992
Actors: Harvey Keitel, Roger Avary
Director: Quentin Tarantino
Why it's Awesome: Quentin Tarantino was working at a video store when he decided to make this movie, and originally planned to shoot it with a budget of just $30,000 ... until Harvey Keitel signed on and upped the price tag to $1.5 million.
5) Spring Breakers
Indie films
Released: 2012
Actors: James Franco, Vanessa Hudgens, Selena Gomez, Ashley Benson and Rachel Korine
Director: Harmony Korine
Why it's Awesome: Sorry, but we had to. Who doesn't want to watch a bunch of former Disney stars parade around in skimpy bikinis and make bad decisions (like robbing a restaurant to fund their Spring Break escapades)? This film gets bonus points for James Franco's thugged-out character, who provides much needed comic relief.
6) Memento
Indie films
Released: 2000
Actors: Guy Pearce, Carrie-Anne Moss, Joe Pantoliano
Director: Christopher Nolan
Why it's Awesome: This movie is a total mindscrew -- anytime you think you have something figured out, Leonard finds another clue on his body (or elsewhere) that he left for himself (since he suffers from short-term memory loss), which throws everything off kilter.
7) Swingers
Indie films
Released: 1996
Actors: Jon Favreau, Vince Vaughn, Ron Livingston, Alex Desert, Patrick Van Horn, Heather Graham
Director: Doug Liman
Why it's Awesome: A raw and hilarious look into the lives of men who just can't seem to make peace with the fact that they're not so great after all; one of the most uncomfortable and hilarious scenes occurs when Jon Favreau's character fails masterfully at leaving a voicemail for a lady he likes.
8) Newlyweeds
Indie films
Released: 2013
Actors: Amari Cheatom, Trae Harris, Tone Tank
Director: Shaka King
Why it's Awesome: Newlyweeds is the stoner love story we never knew we needed -- until we saw it brought to life by director Shaka King. Spike Lee even gave the film his blessing, calling it the "#1 NYC Movie of the Year."

 

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The Live Streams You're Missing Out On

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Who needs cable when you can live-stream everything from sports to concerts, and even lunch time at a shark lagoon? Take a look at the coolest live-streaming events you're probably missing out on.
Live stream
This is a free, interactive, mobile live stream that lets you chat with other people watching the same event as you. At an awesome concert or game you want to share? Stream it to Ustream's millions of users with just a few clicks. Stuck at home? There's a chance at least a few of those millions of guys are bringing whatever event you're after to your phone.
Live stream
Livestream brings everything from sporting events to DIY kitchen shows to your laptop, iPad or mobile phone. The streams they feature just got even more legit this past spring, when they launched video switching and encoding hardware that enhance the look and feel of their streams.
Live stream
For mega sports fans that need to watch every single game, including the ones a super expensive cable bill still doesn't afford, Laola1.tv's the answer. With an easy-to-navigate interface that groups events into categories and leagues, you'll find exactly what you're looking for in just a few clicks.
Live stream
As you can see, it's not the sleek interface that keeps users coming back to this 24/7 stream, which's been running since 1997. Visitors can manipulate everything that goes on in this office with a few clicks -- from turning the office lights on and off, to playing with the office disco ball. If you want to know just how insane you're driving these guys, the "insanity level" keeps track for you.
Live stream
The sharks at the Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach host their very own stream on Explore.org, where you can watch Sandbar, Sand Tiger, Nurse, Zebra and Black Tip Reef Sharks go about their business. Check in at 2pm PT to watch them eat lunch.
Live stream
Thanks to EarthCam, the street that was immortalized by the Beatles is on display 24/7, allowing you to take a peek at what goes on (Hint: it's a lot of tourists posing for pictures/almost getting run over by traffic).
Live stream
If you need something "aww worthy" to use to strike up a conversation with a girl, The Pet Collective streams all sorts of cute animals -- including every breed of puppy and kitten, and a few miniature horses for good measure.

 

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Vital Stats: Communication 101

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Want to know the nitty-gritty facts that'll set you apart in pub trivia competitions for the rest of your life? Then watch, son. This week: vital stats on communication (note: you text way, way too much).

 

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Old People Failing at Social Media

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Is there anything better than having grandparents? They're proud of pretty much everything you do, they go out of their way to make sure you're eating enough, and are genuinely interested in what you're up to all the time. So, what better way for them to keep up with you than by adding you on Facebook? Read on for a list of grandparents who are trying to figure out this whole "Facebook thing," and are being unintentionally hilarious in the process.
1) This grandma, who is concerned about her granddaughter's health:
Social media fails

2) These grandparents, who feel just as lost as their grandson:
Social media fails

3) This grandma, who just wants to try a new soap:
Social media fails

4) This grandma, who puts everything into perspective:
Social media fails

5) This grandparent, trying to support the cause:
Social media fails

6) This grandpa, who is totally nailing the selfie:
Social media fails

7) This grandpa, who likes to make a joke of himself:
Social media fails

8) This grandma, who just won't let her grandson post his badass 'I don't need you' status:
Social media fails

9) This grandma, who knows damn well that her caps lock is on:
Social media fails

10) This grandma, who just wants to spend some time with her grandson:
Social media fails

 

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Today's Funny Photos

10 Facts to Put Struggling Germaphobes at Ease

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Many people consider themselves germaphobes to some degree (or if they don't, their less sanitary friends do). Mysophobia, the technical term for fear of germs, is something that can get out of hand rather quickly if you let it. That's why we decided to peruse some of the more common germ-related beliefs out there and weed out those that are actually complete bunk in order to maintain the sanity of anyone teetering on the brink of letting their phobia get the best of them. You're welcome.

germ facts
1. Public toilet seats are totally safe to sit on. You can't get infections or catch diseases just from your skin coming in contact with them. That's the point of skin, after all. Sure, if the seat is covered in urine/feces or you have an open wound, you'd still be better off parking your keister elsewhere, but bacteria and viruses (including STDs) begin to die the second they lose contact with your body. Furthermore, once they land on the surface of a toilet seat, it's lights out. To put a toilet seat into perspective, they generally have around 1,000 bacteria or less on their surfaces, while an object such as the average shoe contains millions.

2. Those of you who still prefer a seat cover as opposed to laying your bare cheeks on a cold, uninviting toilet seat should consider the fact that much like many of the overly cautious behaviors of a struggling germaphobe, they don't help one bit when it comes to preventing the spread of germs. But if it's strictly the psychological comfort you're after, by all means, keep doing what you're doing.
germ facts, antibacterial soap
3. The soap you use on your hands and body doesn't need to be labeled "antibacterial" in order to get the job done. The purpose of soap - all soap - is simply to get germs and viruses off of our hands. The real trick behind a good hand-washing is making sure to rinse them thoroughly with soap for 15 to 20 seconds (more on that in Fact #4). Furthermore, triclosan, the antibacterial agent found in antibacterial soap, has even been known to create resistant strains of bacteria in some lab experiments, giving you all the more reason not to let your all-consuming quest for cleanliness consume you.

4. While a Michigan State University study in 2013 found that only five percent of people properly wash their hands in public bathrooms, it's not for lack of trying. While they may be doing it incorrectly, it's better than skipping out altogether. If soap is available, roughly two-thirds of the population will use it, with only 10 percent not washing their hands at all, and the remainder opting to do so without soap. It may not be perfect, but we're guessing those are better numbers than you'd expect.

Tip: For what is considgerm facts, proper hand washingered a "proper" hand wash, the CDC recommends running your hands under clean (warm or cold) water, and lathering well with soap while making sure to scrub both the front and back of your hands, in between fingers, and under the nails as best you can before rinsing your hands clean once again. The whole process should last about 20 seconds, which is the equivalent of singing the "Happy Birthday" song twice over. Be sure to then dry your hands with either a clean towel or a hand dryer.

5. Speaking of hand dryers, if you avoid them like the plague due to an ill-conceived notion that the blowing air spreads germs around the bathroom even more, you'd be wise to reconsider. Various tests sampling the air around hand dryers in busy restrooms showed no signs of increased bacteria whatsoever. Of course, if these hand dryers are touch activated, it might be beneficial to use a towel instead, as not only are they the more sanitary option, but the hand dryer buttons themselves will have accumulated some germs along the way. You could also simply start them up before washing your hands, as well.

6. Going back to Fact #4, since roughly two-thirds of people wash their hands, surfaces such as hand dryer buttons and, yes, even the dreaded bathroom door handle, still aren't nearly as infested with germs as you might anticipate. Much like the surface of a toilet seat, the bacteria that does manage to make its way onto door handles can't last all that long without a warm body to latch onto. Sure, public bathroom handles are more heavily trafficked and, hence, contain more bacteria than the average doorknob, but bacterial infections such as salmonella usually need to come in hefty doses to cause much of an effect on your body, so the odds of catching a bad case from even the filthiest door handle are pretty slim.

7. Much like bathroom door handles, the money that most of us come in contact with on a daily basis isn't nearly as germ infested as we are led to believe. Sure, you still don't want to eat without washing your hands after handling it, but no sane person would ever recommend eating without washing your hands anyways. Basically, due to money being dry, it doesn't allow for bacteria to multiply to levels that would make you sick to the touch. And where coins are concerned, the metal in them actually acts as an antibacterial agent.

8. While anyone with young children knows it's nearly impossible to keep them clean, the types of germs your children (and in turn, you) are exposed to depend on where they play. For instance, while bacteria reside in places such as gardens and large, grassy areas in your backyard, the particular germs involved aren't pathogenic, which means they're harmless to humans. However, if there are a lot of animal droppings around, this advice is null and void. Sandboxes are the true enemy, as they are the biggest target for animal droppings, and can even contain parasites that can harm your children.

9. When it comes to cold and flu season, people tend to steer clear of crowded, confined spaces as much as possible for fear of infection via gross people. However, these outbreaks often cogerm facts, dirty moneyincide with major holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas, when people HAVE to fly. Although you might think it is then impossible not to get sick in that situation, remember that most commercial airplanes are equipped with HEPA air filters which filter 99.9 percent of the bacteria and viruses in the air. As long as you keep your hands as clean as possible and avoid (if you can) anyone coughing and sneezing in your immediate vicinity, you should be in ship shape. Rhinovirus, which causes the common cold, is transmitted through surface contact, so if you can't get to a sink, at least avoid touching your nose or eyes as much as possible.

Oh, and if your special lady/fella has a cold, always remember that most cold viruses don't even exist in saliva, so you can still feel free to kiss them all you'd like (just avoid their ear and nose fluids, which frequently carry viruses).

10. Those struggling with their fear of germs obviously dread shaking hands more than the average person. While we'd love to tell you that your fears are unwarranted, as it turns out, 80 percent of all infectious diseases are transferred through direct (i.e. kissing) or indirect (i.e. shaking hands) contact. However, you don't necessarily have to shake someone's hand to greet them properly. A high-five can be a bit cheesy at times, but considering it cuts germ transfer nearly in half, it's not a bad route to take. Similarly, the fist bump, which has become more and more acceptable as a greeting through the years, transfers 20 times less bacteria than your average handshake, leaving you with plenty of other options when it comes to spreading the love without spreading the germs.

germ facts, fist bump

 

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These Refurbished Blockbuster Video Signs Are The Saddest Thing You Will See All Day


9 Bold and Brutal 'Sons of Anarchy' Final Season Predictions

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sons of anarchy final season, soa jax teller
The gruesome biker boys of FX are riding off after "Sons of Anarchy" finishes its seventh and final season -- that is, if anyone can make it out alive. With the premiere slated for Tuesday, September 9, fans' knees are knocking at what creator Kurt Sutter has in store for his brutal show's farewell, and thus, we have some bold predictions of our own. (Warning: previous season spoilers ahead)

1. The season will open up with Jax writing with a very small pencil in jail or at Tara's grave.

Sutter may be hard to predict, but he's also a consistent motherf***er. Whether or not these letters Jax writes to his boys will play a part in the ending is hard to say with all the bloodshed to come, but they do act as narration for the inner turmoil of our antihero. To give a sensitive side to a TV show purely about reckless chaos and murder, these narratives speak of the conflict of good versus evil within President Teller, and every big episode is prefaced with a few minutes of inner dialogue and incredibly small pencils. (Side bet: Jax will spit on a guy after he kills him. No, that's too easy. He'll spit on three dead guys in the premiere alone.)
gemma teller, soa gemma
2. Gemma remains in Charming and plays dumb about Tara's murder.

As far as Jax knows, Gemma knows nothing about Tara's murder, but don't expect her to not point a finger anyways. Gemma will likely be the puppeteer who suggests to blame the concurrent club's squabbles and turf war with the Mayans and Chinese over gun distribution, clearing her as a possible suspect. (Side bet: Gemma says "Jesus Christ" at least six times in the premiere.)

3. Jax and Nero throw down early in the season.

The first person Jax is going to for information will be Nero (Jimmy Smits) after Gemma puts club business as a prime suspect for Tara's murder (i.e. collateral damage). Now that Jax and Nero are at odds, Jax will look to get information from Nero at any cost or amount of blood necessary. (Side bet: Nero sports a new cardigan. A new line of Jimmy Smits cardigans hits stores the day after the premiere.)

Wanna watch "Sons of Anarchy" right now? Find out where to watch it.

4. Juice goes on the run.
Many might think Juice would get a pardon for protecting Gemma in the end, but after cleaning up the mess of Tara's murder, Juice has to hit the road and pretend like he and Gemma were never at the scene. When Jax and Juice finally meet again, expect Juice to play the chicken shit card about saving Gemma to save his own ass. (Side bet: Speaking of asses, Lyla flaunts her perfect one at least once more.)

5. A key character dies immediately.

Juice, but that would be too obvious. Sutter is out for blood this season, and as much as we'd expect it to be someone close to Jax, it'll be a big non-member to go first. Since Jax recently lost his best friend (Opie) and wife, there would be no shocker to kill off another big member. Consider that Jax might be the one pulling the trigger himself, and as much as you'd expect it to be Juice, that scenario will have a pin in it until later. The death will more likely be someone we wouldn't expect, perhaps a character around since the beginning, like Marcus Alvarez, neo-nazi Darby or perhaps Nero, if you want to get crazy and watch things pop off. (Side bet: Tig will do the most perverse thing we've seen yet, likely involving the return of sexy gender bender, Venus Van Damme.)

6. Somebody will be sodomized in prison.

Whether Jax is in jail for long is hard to say, but the trailer previews Jax giving a beatdown in prison. Hopefully Sutter won't have Jax getting sodomized, but don't be surprised if somebody receives an unwelcome ramming behind bars this season. (Side bet: Jax will take breaks from killing people to bang out the beautiful blonde Madam Colette Jane (Kim Dickens). She will later offer him an awkward threesome between business partners with old Charlie Barosky.)

7. Jax's need for vengeance will run the club into the ground.

The last couple seasons have had Jax cleaning up after former President Clay Morrow, but now that Clay is gone, look for Jax to be the one stirring the pot as he searches for retribution for Tara's death. He will manipulate the club members into returning to guns and drugs - telling them all he cares about is his club - as a selfish excuse for his need to retaliate, which will lead to the club's demise in the end. (Side bet: There are seven racial slurs hurled toward the rival gangs, all in the first episode.)

8. Unser will be the man to kill Jax, while simultaneously saving his love Gemma.
wayne unser, soa unser
It'll be ironic that the one person everyone has been waiting on to die from cancer will be the man to deliver the final blow. Once former sheriff Wayne Unser realizes for good he has no shot with Gemma, he'll throw himself into the crossfire when Jax learns the truth about Tara's murder. He's a close friend of the club, but more importantly, he is the continued protector of Charming. He was the sheriff once after all. Jax's death will be poetic, most likely a stabbing involving the little pencils he writes with in his journals. (Side bet: There will be three more good cancer jokes made at Unser's expense as long as he's alive, and a bonus cancer joke if he dies.)

9. Wendy leaves Charming with the kids.

With everyone dead, the "junkie whore" with a clean conscience is free to take the kids wherever she likes. Drea de Matteo has been added on as a series regular, so expect her relationship with her son to grow while Jax is out killing people. The final scene will feature Wendy and the kids leaving Charming. (Side bet: I changed my mind -- Jax's letters will be stolen from under his bed in the premiere, read by the entire club and published as a collection of short stories. The end.)

Wanna watch "Sons of Anarchy" right now? Find out where to watch it.

sons of anarchy final season, soa season 7 promo

 

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The 7 Most Horrific Crimes to Occur at Chuck E. Cheese's

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You've seen the YouTube videos.

While researching this article, I noticed "Chuck E. Cheese fight" received 1,260,000 hits on Google. I expected far more, considering the family pizza and arcade joint is culturally synonymous with violence.
chuck e. cheese violence
Its webpage boasts the tagline "Where Awesome Parents Go." Though after immersing myself in countless stories illustrating levels of conflict that would make a Somali pirate blush, I have to assume that descriptor is only a PR stunt to resurrect an image that died long ago. Here are seven grisly crimes that happened at Chuck E. Cheese's.

1. Man commits quadruple homicide in Aurora, Colorado Chuck E. Cheese's

Aurora just can't catch a break, can it? In 1993, disgruntled ex-employee Nathan Dunlap entered the doors of Chuck E. Cheese and hid in the bathroom until closing time. He emerged from the can and opened fire on employees Ben Grant, 17, Colleen O'Connor, 17, Sylvia Crowell, 19, and Marge Kohlberg, 50. Every one of these culinary artists was murdered, except for a line cook by the name of Bobby Stevens who played dead after he was shot point-blank in the face.

A Colorado jury sentenced Dunlap to death three years later. He's been the subject of fiery debate over the merits of capital punishment, though a better question to ponder is why a person would commit psycho-murder over getting the boot from Chuck E. Cheese's.

2. "I don't wanna go to Chuck E. Cheese no more," says Robert Olchnski, 3, after witnessing grandma get beaten and choked

Grandmother Carol Brown just wanted to see her grandchildren enjoy a nice quiet birthday at the local Chuck E. Cheese in Southgate, California. But things would take a turn for the worse. After a few choice words were exchanged between the Olchanski party and a neighboring family, a 200-pound beast pounced on gam-gam and began hurling deuces in her precious elderly face. The assailant then attempted strangling the life out her as her grandkids watched in horror.

The birthday boys vowed to never step foot inside another Chuck E. Cheese. Just another story in the veritable holocaust of senior citizens getting brutalized "where kids can just be kids."

3. A brawl of 18 breaks out, resulting in a shooting and multiple drug arrests

A verbal squabble escalated into a violent clash of 18 patrons at the Boynton Beach, Florida Chuck E. Cheese in 2013. Three were arrested and a man was shot in the leg (It's unclear whether the restaurant gave him a voucher for three free arcade games after the incident). The bigger crime, though - one that would incense any respectable customer - is that the party left without paying its $286 bill, or a tip.

When the embers and shouts and violence ceased, police found multiple bottles of Ciroc vodka in mother Briana Walker's diaper bag, who was also arrested after tossing bags of pot, Xanax, morphine and crack from the getaway car.

4. Two arrested after smoking heroin in Chuck E. Cheese bathroom stall

If you're going to do drugs, kids, shoot it - don't smoke it. It's less noticeable that way. Daniel Lubach, 27, and Collin Zborowski, 28, were arrested and charged with possession of heroin last month. Total buzzkill and all-around party pooper Sgt. Patrick Wessel of the Costa Mesa Police verified the two met at the restaurant to meet a drug supplier.

5. Boyfriend thwarts attempted rape in bathroom

In 2011, a Murrieta 16-year-old was arrested for attacking and beating 39-year-old Nora Reynoso in the ladies' room. Sweating piss, vinegar, and pizza grease, her bounty-hunter boyfriend held the teenager by the neck until the authorities arrived.

A year later, the teen - whose name isn't specified since he's a minor - struck again, fondling a woman on a playground with her two kids. I don't know about you, but I say, um, put him away for a very long time.

6. Brawl of 18? How about 20?

In the small town of Brookfield Township, Wisconsin, violence broke out after a child was taking too long to exchange tickets for a toy (OK, so maybe some anger was warranted, but not violence). Twenty people were involved in the savage frenzy. CEC Entertainment Inc. issued a statement shortly after, explaining "99.99 percent of its 65 million guest visits in 2012 occurred without violence." Yes, but that's still 6,500 visits with violence. Which means every day there are 18 instances of bloodshed in Chuck E. Cheese's across America. Do the math!

7. Twenty people is weak. How about 85?

A mere tiff between three females exploded into a rumble of 85 in Flint Township, Michigan. Police used pepper spray to ameliorate the madness, calling on dozens of squad cars to control the crowd. No one was arrested.

If you, or anyone you know, have ever been the victim of assault at a Chuck E. Cheese, please, write them a Yelp review. Let's put this wicked cesspool of chaos, barbarity, and pretty decent pizza out of business for good.

BONUS: Fight breaks out with mother holding a baby right in the middle of it.

You know, because seven horrific stories just wasn't enough.

 

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14 Awesome Amenities That Every Home Should Have

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Life is not fair, and one of its many injustices is that some of us live in mansions while others live in single rooms above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley (shout out to Frank Grimes). But if we had our way here at Mandatory, every person's home would feature at least five of the amazing things you see below.

Loft Hammock
fancy furniture, awesome stuff for home, cool amenities, things every house should have


Built-In Dryer Rack
fancy furniture, awesome stuff for home, cool amenities, things every house should have


Swing Set Dining Table
fancy furniture, awesome stuff for home, cool amenities, things every house should have


Double Bathtub
fancy furniture, awesome stuff for home, cool amenities, things every house should have


Chilled Produce Drawers
fancy furniture, awesome stuff for home, cool amenities, things every house should have


Poolside Fire Pit
fancy furniture, awesome stuff for home, cool amenities, things every house should have


Giant Circular Bedroom Window
fancy furniture, awesome stuff for home, cool amenities, things every house should have


Kitchen Island Aquarium
fancy furniture, awesome stuff for home, cool amenities, things every house should have


Library Staircase With Optional Slide
fancy furniture, awesome stuff for home, cool amenities, things every house should have


Bathtub With Built-In Television
fancy furniture, awesome stuff for home, cool amenities, things every house should have


Nest Beds Everywhere
fancy furniture, awesome stuff for home, cool amenities, things every house should have


Or Just One Never-Ending Bed
fancy furniture, awesome stuff for home, cool amenities, things every house should have


Staircase Overpass
fancy furniture, awesome stuff for home, cool amenities, things every house should have


Door/Ping Pong Table
fancy furniture, awesome stuff for home, cool amenities, things every house should have
via Caveman Circus

 

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The 13 Most Annoying Things That Happen At Weddings

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boring wedding, bored at wedding

A wedding is a magical day for a couple. It's a day they'll remember for the rest of their lives and cherish the memories forever. Unfortunately for the rest of us, it's miserable. We've seen all this stuff a million times before and all we want to do is go home. Here are 13 of the most annoying and frustrating things that happen at a wedding.

1. Your Entire Saturday Is Wasted
The bride and groom know that as soon as the wedding is over they're going right off on a 10-day cruise for their honeymoon. Meanwhile, the rest of us just spent our one-day off watching a 9-minute video montage of the couple through the years set to "Time of Your Life" by Green Day. Thanks a lot for that.

2. You Have To Buy A Suit Or Dress
This is much worse for the girls in the wedding party, because they have to dish out big money for a pastel formal gown they're never going to wear again. But even if you aren't in the wedding party, who wants to spend their entire Saturday wearing the most uncomfortable shoes ever created? If someone invents a pair of slippers that look exactly like men's dress shoes, he will be the richest human alive.

3. That Never-Ending Delay Between The Wedding And The Reception
I know that the wedding party has to get their pictures taken for 8 hours, but that doesn't mean the rest of us have to sit out in the sun the whole time. We can eat those mini hot dog things without being in your presence, I swear. How are you going to plan a wedding at 11am, but not feed us until 3:30pm? I will straight up order Papa Johns deliver to your reception. Don't test me.

4. Toasts And Toasts And Toasts
If your toast lasts for more than 2 minutes, I'm going to drink the alcohol in my hand, fill up another glass, and hold it in the air until you finish talking. I don't need to hear a speech from your step-uncle. We all think you're great and that's why we bought you that $60 bread maker which you'll never use. Why was that even on your registry? Are you really going through that much bread that the only solution was make your own at home? Did you inherit a stockpile of yeast?

5. Posing For Pictures
I came to your event, dressed up, and brought presents. Isn't that enough? Now I can't enjoy a conversation without someone running up to me with a camera and telling me to act natural for a picture. Wouldn't the best way to get a shot of me acting natural is by not telling me you're taking a picture?

6. Terrible Wedding Favors
I would rather you just not do a wedding favor at all than give me a .5 oz bottle of bubbles. I'm not 3, so I don't spend my day hoping to come across some bubbles. Just take the $200-$300 you would have spent on the favors and buy a bunch of Coors Light, so we can watch your uncles get hammered and grapple in the parking lot.

7. The Inconvenient Location
If you want to get married beneath a waterfall in Guam, then by all means, go for it. However, don't casually send out invitations to your special day that require me to update my passport and travel like Liam Neeson trying to recover his daughter on "Taken." If it takes more than a quarter of a tank of gas to get there, odds are I'm not coming.

8. Assigned Seating
Come on, guys. This isn't the 6th grade where no one wanted to sit with Timothy because he smelled like a shop vac. You can trust us to fill up the seats in an orderly fashion. If you're serving your food buffet-style then there's seriously no reason to do this besides wanting to lord over us like an evil henchman. We demand to sit where we want.

9. No Open Bar
If you want people to dance at your reception, you need to have an open bar. And don't tell me it's not in the budget because I'm 100% certain your guests would enjoy free drinks much more than they want $900 worth of the bride's favorite flowers draped around each chair at the ceremony.

10. Your Horrible, Garbage DJ
How is this guy getting paid to make such an awful playlist? Has he turned on the radio in the last two decades? No one wants to hear his deep cuts or "songs we don't know but he thinks we'll like." Play the hits that we're embarrassed to know all the words to as well as the classic party songs. If you don't give me the chance to do the Cupid Shuffle at your reception I'm taking my gift back.

11. Appetizers Only Reception
Oh you are just a straight up monster. That's just evil.

12. A Ceremony Over 30 Minutes
If the program for your wedding is longer than a half of a page in size 14 font, you're a bad person. There doesn't need to be a song in between every step of the ceremony. We know you love each other and you're never going to watch your wedding video so say your vows and get to your honeymoon.

13. A Ridiculously Late Start
Obviously a few things aren't going to go as planned and you may need to start a few minutes late, but after a while you just need to accept the fact that Aunt Brenda isn't going to make it and she can watch the DVD later. If you're holding up the start because of a bomb threat, I get it. But if it's delayed because one of the girls is missing a bobby pin and her bangs are slightly askew, I'm going to take my shoes off and take a nap across the pew.

 

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Al-bum Covers: Popular Album Covers With Al Roker On Them

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Welcome to the Internet where the most random things in the world happen. Here at Mandatory, we like to contribute to the ever growing list of hilarious things that make you go "uh, what?" as much as we can. So...here is a collection of well-known album covers if Today's very own Al Roker was featured on them.

Al Roker on The Beatles' "Abbey Road"
Al Roker on Album Covers
Al Roker on Guns N' Roses' "Appetite For Destruction"
Al Roker on Album Covers
Al Roker on Michael Jackson's "Bad"
Al Roker on Album Covers
Al Roker on Bruce Springsteen's "Born to Run"
Al Roker on Album Covers
Al Roker on David Bowie's "Aladdin Sane"
Al Roker on Album Covers
Al Roker on Blink-182's "Enema of the State"
Al Roker on Album Covers
Al Roker on Nirvana's "Nevermind"
Al Roker on Album Covers
Al Roker on Red Hot Chili Pepper's "Blood Sugar Sex Magik"
Al Roker on Album Covers
Al Roker on Andrew W.K.'s "I Get Wet"
Al Roker on Album Covers
Al Roker on *NSYNC's "No Strings Attached"
Al Roker on Album Covers

 

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Minnesota Man Admits to Putting His Semen in Coworker's Coffee

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Some guys get a new haircut or hit the gym in an effort to get women to notice them. Others take the road less traveled and ejaculate in their coworker's cup of Maxwell House.
man admits to ejaculating in coworker's coffee
According to Huffington Post, John Lind faces up to one year in prison as well as a $4,500 fine after he admitted Thursday to unloading his load into a female coworker's cup of coffee twice within the last six months.

Police were called to Beisswenger's Hardware in New Brighton on August 26 after a female employee complained she caught Lind standing near her desk with his hands near his naughty parts. She said Lind looked like a "deer in headlights" and left the room.

The employee also told police she noticed a strong odor that resembled urine, but she thought it was just spoiled milk in her coffee. She quickly changed her mind after noticing "a large amount of clear liquid on top of her desk" and her hair scrunchie soaked in it.

Confronted by police, Lind admitted that he had indeed ejaculated in her coffee and all over her desk because he liked her.

No word yet if Folgers is planning on changing their slogan to "The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup (and not semen)."

Suddenly, this doesn't seem so bad: Man Must Pay $5,001 to Coworker for Peeing in His Coffee

 

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Florida Woman Arrested for Masturbating on a Motorcycle

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Once again, this story does not involve a woman who you would actually want to see pleasuring herself on a bike.

According to The Smoking Gun, a 50-year-old woman was arrested and charged with felony lewd and lascivious exhibition after several Ormond Beach residents - including a 13-year-old boy - witnessed her masturbating on woman arrested for masturbating on motorcyclea motorcycle in a neighbor's garage.

Neighborhood resident Katherine Marriott told police that Karen Dilworth was allegedly "half naked from the waist down, leaning backwards and her legs were spread apart." Marriott's son and an adult male were by her side as they took in the free show.

Nicholas McRay also claimed to have seen Dilworth giving herself a joyride on the motorcycle and told police he yelled at her to shut the garage door because "there was kids around."

Dilworth told police that she was not diddling herself and instead had gone out to the garage just to have a couple of beers and some heaters. Police said Dilworth appeared to be under the influence.

No word on whether or not Marriott's son thought it was the most fascinating thing he had ever seen.

We'll admit that a motorcycle is a tad more sexy than discount clothing: Oklahoma Man Arrested After Masturbating in Walmart

 

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Crazy Woman Attacks Boyfriend and Runs Over His Scooter

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The most surprising part about this video - that features a guy with sizable man boobs wearing nothing but a pair of ridiculously large shorts sitting in his scooter parked directly behind a pickup truck that belongs to his batshit crazy girlfriend - is the fact that it doesn't take place somewhere in Florida.

The video titled "Neighbors from hell. Huntington Beach, CA" has already been viewed more than one million times despite being posted to YouTube less than 24 hours ago.


The reason behind the video's success might be the tantrum thrown by the woman that included her beating the piss out of her own truck. Or maybe it's because the guy who is confined to a scooter was miraculously able to walk and pick up his medical moped a la George Costanza when he was being chased by a geriatric bike gang.

Or maybe it's because from start to finish the video is probably the most entertaining one minute and nine seconds you will ever see. And let's be honest: If that guy is calling the police, he's not going to do it on that phone.

This used to be the funniest video of the year: Watch This Giant Mutant Spider Dog Scare the Crap Out of People

 

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Today's Funny Photos

13 Ways to Help Out During a Drought That You May Not Have Thought About

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If you're feeling constantly parched and have unusually dry skin, it might be because the western part of the U.S. is experiencing not only one of its hottest summers in years, but one of itdrought, hot sun in droughts biggest droughts in decades. As with every big problem, though, there's a laundry list of ways to do your small part to help. Educate yourself, do what you can to spread the word and don't be a water-wasting jerk. Here are 13 ways to make that happen.

If it's yellow, let it mellow, fellow.
Unless you're dabbling in heavy doses of asparagus and (other pungent foods), the stench of your hottest piss isn't enough to flush five gallons of water down the drain. Let that yellowy discharge mellow and have the guy who's stinking up the bathroom be the one to pull the trigger as he gets your pee all over his ass. This is all unsavory, but the other option might be a low-flow toilet.

Only have the water on when you need it.
Whether you're brushing teeth, shaving your mustache (you too, ladies) or washing off the veggies before cooking, there's no need to leave the water running constantly. A dripping faucet wastes nearly 3,000 gallons of water each year, so imagine what your little water sport is running you. Shift your habits a bit and defrost your food overnight, use the same bowl of water to clean your food and then use that water for houseplants. You don't have to give up shaving and brushing your teeth, but those aren't water-heavy activities to begin with, so stop failing the environment.

Go "Little House on a Prairie" with your dishwasher and laundry.
Okay, you don't have to go all "Little House on the Prairie," but hand-washing your dishes not only saves 14 gallons of water, it's therapeutic for you too. People with dishwashers get wasteful and overuse dishes, but temporarily going back to a hand wash might ground your extensive utensil-abusing habits.
For laundry, you don't have to hand wash, but only do full loads. Cut down when you can and don't wash things unless they're dirty. And yes, you can live dangerously and mix your whites and colors together if you wash them all as colors with cold water.

Recycle your water at home; never pour it out.
When most folks start the shower or bath, they waste a few gallons while they wait for hot water. Take that time to place a bucket or pan under your faucet and use that colder water for houseplants, dog water and cleaning. It might seem extreme, but the idea is to keep the problem from becoming extreme, to the point where we're stealing water from our neighbors while they sleep and holding convenient stores hostage for six-packs of Aquafina.
couple showering together
Shower only on certain days (and with somebody).
Did somebody say Shower Night?! It's time we all buddy up in the showers and save water together, totally naked. Take shorter showers - usually no more than five minutes - and water your hair less frequently, as in every other day at most, to cut down the time. It's a great excuse to ask your cute neighbor to get naked without any previous dating between you, plus nobody cares what you look like anyway. Some neighborhoods have shower schedules that encourage that type of water usage on certain days based on where you live (even numbered houses shower Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, for example). And if you're worried about the whole homeless-looking caveman grunge look, it's all good; it should be getting recycled back into fashion any day now, and you could beat everyone to it and start the latest trend!

Wash your car at a car wash.
Thats' what they're for, kiddies. You might think that washing the car in the driveway is the eco-friendly move, but that water runs off into the street and down the gutter, whereas most car washes recycle their water. If you're anti-establishment, though, pull your car up on the lawn and at least water the yard while you clean your hot rod. Then you can be an eco-friendly rebel.

Don't water your lawn more than once a week, Flanders.
Typically, lawns only need watering every five to seven days in the summer. Since we're in a drought, those numbers might be smaller, but if you can conserve water to times only when your lawn really needs it, that does wonders. Just because you water on certain days doesn't mean you have to. Pay attention to your yard, talk to it, say supportive nurturing things to it and give it just what it needs and nothing more. Play hard to get as well. They like that.

Change your pool filter and use a cover.
A dip in the swimming pool might be the cool-down cure for this drought, so if your pool is in heavy use, be responsible enough to use a cover to conserve the water by keeping it from evaporating and clean so you don't have to change it. If you have the money for a pool, you have the money for a good water-saving filter.

Avoid the hose.
An average hose wastes six gallons each minute, so between spraying your friends in the face, watering the driveway, and backyard water games that'll send your kid to the hospital, you're pretty much the worst person in the world. Don't be irresponsible; pay attention to the news and save the cement washing for next year.

Landscape like a badass.
Water your plants using excess water from inside instead of running the sprinklers or hose, and then use mulch to trap the moisture so you don't have to water them as often. The women around the neighborhood will take notice and follow suit, earning you a gold star and title of "Environmentalist of the Block" while giving you a good name in the local dating scene. Women love nothing more than a man who knows how to handle his yard.

Compose compost piles and avoid the sink.
Build compost piles out of unused materials or use the garbage for discarding food instead of running the sink. Scrape your plates clean with a fork, or just let the dog lick it clean. That's actually gross - don't do that - but the rest is a great idea. With the intense heat, the garbage gets extra smelly and attracts gnats, flies and ants, so get a smaller waste basket and discard the trash slightly more frequently. It might seem like a further waste of plastic bags, but sometimes in an eco-crisis, you've got to bend the rules a tad.

Buy bottled water -- for now.rain, rain storm
Normally we don't support the heavy use of bottled water, but in a drought, it saves water to get it from a source that has already packaged it so you don't have to use it at home. Sounds crazy, but it sort of makes sense. When it's over, go back to getting water the old-fashioned way and use your reusable container. We do, however, highly recommend you remember to properly recycle to avoid further plastic pollution.

And pray for rain.
Because if it finally does rain, especially out west, it will solve a lot of major problems. Then we can go back to flushing our toilets whenever we want.

 

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These Instant Karma GIFs Prove That Sometimes Bad People Get Exactly What They Deserve

There's an Entire Line of Awesome Bootleg Homer Simpson Toys That Nobody Knows About

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When it comes to bootleg action figures and collectibles, there are those that could be considered among the worst, and others that are actually quite impressive. We're not certain how to categorize the "Springfield Parodies" Homer Simpson line of figurines we stumbled upon on eBay, but one thing we can say without a doubt is that they're quite entertaining. From what we can gather, they appear to be sold sporadically on the site and can be found by typing any variation of "mexican parody homer simpson" in the search bar.

Whether these toys are on the level or not is unclear, but we certainly hope this qualifies as parody law, as we would hate to see them go out of production. This video review of the Superman Homer figure may also come in handy in terms of deciding whether or not to purchase one of these, as they are apparently pretty well crafted. Here are 30 of the awesome Homers.

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homer simpson toys, homer parody mexican toys, homer simpson action figures
homer simpson toys, homer parody mexican toys, homer simpson action figures
homer simpson toys, homer parody mexican toys, homer simpson action figures
homer simpson toys, homer parody mexican toys, homer simpson action figures
homer simpson toys, homer parody mexican toys, homer simpson action figures
homer simpson toys, homer parody mexican toys, homer simpson action figures
homer simpson toys, homer parody mexican toys, homer simpson action figures
homer simpson toys, homer parody mexican toys, homer simpson action figures
homer simpson toys, homer parody mexican toys, homer simpson action figures

 

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