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Fan Runs on Stage at NOFX Concert and Gets Punched and Kicked in the Face

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There are a million good reasons not to jump on stage during a concert, but "because you will get kicked in the face by a shirtless guy named Fat Mike" would probably be near the top of the list.

According to TMZ, punk band NOFX was doing a show in Australia Wednesday night, and the show got way more punk when a drunk fan decided to run on stage and put his arm around lead singer Fat Mike's neck.


The incident took place after Fat Mike told the crowd at the Enmore Theatre in Sydney that he was suffering from neck pain.

Perhaps even more punk than the beatdown on stage is the fact that the fan actually apologized to Fat Mike for getting his face kicked in via Twitter.
Even Fat Mike was in good spirits after the beating and even offered to buy the fan a beer at the next show.


A punch to the nards would also have been pretty badass: Watch Carlos Boozer Punch a Ref in the Crotch Over and Over Again

 

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12 Reasons Why Going To The Club Is The Worst

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funny club photo, funny nightclub photo, funny nightclub fails
I think it's safe to say that, if you love going to the club, you should not be trusted. Going to the club is the absolute worst and if you somehow don't realize that, then please, let us educate you on the awfulness of it. We could have listed hundreds of reasons, but you probably don't want to read a list of every Pitbull song, so here are 12 reasons why going to the club is the worst.

1. The Music
Oh cool, they're playing that one song that sounds exactly like every other song they play at the club. After about 20 minutes of the same techno, dubstep beat, no one should be enjoying themselves. Do you have this stuff on your iPod? How do you tell when one song ends and another begins?

2. Trying to Talk
Ah, there's nothing quite as enjoyable as screaming, "WHAT'S YOUR NAME? YOU LOOK REALLY NICE" into the eardrum of a girl you're trying to dance with on a crowded floor. Here's how most of those conversations go:

Her: My name's Samantha
You: Havana?
Her: Samantha?
You: No, I don't think they sell bananas.
Her: Pajamas?
You: What?
Her: I gotta go.

3. Everyone is Sweaty
You know how all those songs talk about how sexy it is to be hot and sweaty in the club? That's actually a terrible thing. Deodorant wears, makeup is melting off faces, and hair gel has turned into slime. Yeah Nelly, it is getting hot in here. Can someone please turn on a fan or something?

4. The People
If a club was actually full of attractive women, do you really think the only men that would show up would be super attractive guys with ripped abs and perfect stubbly facial hair? No. You'd have every pudgy warlock crawling out of their caves to come in and stand along the perimeter of the dance floor, just to stare at everyone while sipping on a Dr. Pepper. Even I'm terrified of those guys and they have no interest in me whatsoever.

5. The Unwanted Grinding
I understand that dudes need to try and make a move, but imagine doing the uninvited grind in any other social setting. You're in line at the deli and some guy just starts thrusting his corduroy crotch into your hips. You would immediately call the police. However, if Drake is playing in the background, somehow it's perfectly fine. Isn't that reason enough to avoid the club?

6. The Drinks
If you're a lady, your drinks are usually free for a while, but really strong so you'll make terrible decisions. For guys, the drinks are usually around $37 for a plastic cup full of orange juice and a sneeze of tequila. I don't mean a regular sized plastic cup. We're talking the size of a Benadryl cap. Party time!

7. The Dress Code
I understand not wanting people to wear flip flops or shorts, but why do we have to dress like we're in a wedding party just to get a bunch of drinks spilled on us to a Ke$ha soundtrack? Have you ever tried to stanky legg while wearing dress shoes? It's almost painful. Plus, you're just inviting guys to wear those bedazzled dress shirts with a flaming dragon or eagle on that back that says "Endurance" or "Longevity" or some other unrelated word on the back of it in faux crystals.

8. The Cover
We've already established that we're going to be paying $760 for a round of drinks, so now you're going to stick it to us again by making us pay money to even walk through the door? Trust me, if I'm going to have to listen to a bunch of bros yell YOLO dozens of times, I'm going to be doing as much drinking as possible. You'll get your money from me.

9. The DJ
Dude, you're playing a Midwestern club on a week night. You can settle down quite a bit. We don't need you interrupting the song every 9 seconds to tell us to hold our drinks in the air or make some noise. You're the one with the sound system You make the noise.

10. The VIP
What is it about a tiny rope that makes people think they're Diddy? It could be a dance hall in the back of a bowling alley, but if there's a VIP area, without a doubt you'll see a group of guys that look like outtakes from Axe Body Spray commercials holding a bottle of alcohol and pretending to lord over the club like Joffrey from "Game of Thrones." Your cousin is the bartender and called in a favor so maybe just hold off on making it rain? You have bills due next week.

11. Everything Is Sticky
I don't want to know why everything is sticky. Please don't tell me what that residue is that's making my shoes cling to the floor like a horribly mysterious super glue. Let me just assume someone spilled a bottle of honey because if not, I'm going to have to burn these clothes when I get home.

12. Those Bathrooms
If it's after 1 a.m., there is a 100 percent chance someone will either throw up on you in the bathroom, or you'll unintentionally put your hand in vomit. I can't imagine the horrible, unspeakable things that poor bathroom attendant has seen in his days. Whatever he's getting paid, it's not nearly enough for the images that flash through his mind every night as he tries to sleep. He could make his own version of the video tape from "The Ring" and you wouldn't want to have to wait the full seven days to die. Just kill me now.

 

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Sexy Ana Cheri is the Cherry on Top

Keira Knightley Posed Completely Topless to Protest Photoshop

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Actress Keira Knightley is sick and tired of having her body manipulated for various reasons, whether it be for film posters, magazine covers or by paparazzi photographers. That's why, for a recent photo shoot with Interview magazine, Knightley demanded to pose topless and unedited. She wanted the world to see what she really looked like, and well-mission accomplished. (Censored photo below. For NSFW photo, click here. Photo credit: Patrick Demarchelier)

Keira Knightley topless
As you can see, Knightley is not a woman who requires any Photoshopping to look beautiful. However, it's the censored area of this photo that she wanted specifically left alone.

Knightley said, "That [shoot] was one of the ones where I said: 'OK, I'm fine doing the topless shot so long as you don't make them any bigger or retouch.' Because it does feel important to say it really doesn't matter what shape you are."

In 2004, the movie poster for "King Arthur" was controversially edited to make Knightley look bustier. This shoot is her taking a stand against tactics like that, as the Interview photos capture her real figure and true breast size.

"I think women's bodies are a battleground and photography is partly to blame," said Knightley.

Well, it looks like she is now fighting fire with fire.

Via Time

 

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Terann Hilow Makes Sports So Much Sexier

The Actually Dirtiest Games You'll Really Want to Play

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Good, clean fun is totally overrated -- that's why we slide in to base, are a mess of grass stains following some football, and, if we're playing right, downright stink after any game at all. Well we got nothin' on these guys, who play the actually filthiest sports in America.

1) Wild Boar/Hog Runs
TK
Test your speed and agility on some real nasty and challenging courses that'll have you writhing in the mud like a ... well ... you know.
2) Mud Volleyball
TK
Falling flat on your face after you tried to spike that ball doesn't hurt so bad when you're landing in a sea of watery mud. You'll still look like an ass for missing the spike, though.
3) Belly Flop Competitions
TK
The only sport where having a gut gives you an advantage.
4) Those Races Where They Throw Colored Dust At You
TK
Inspired by the ancient Hindu Festival of Colors, you don't want to wear your whites to one of these assault-by-pretty-powder events.
5) Swamp Swimming
TK
A great way to get in touch with nature -- and with the parasites waiting for some fresh meat at your local swamp.
6) Catfish Wrestling
TK
If something smells fishy, it's probably you, days after you've tried your hand at this sport.
7) Jello Wrestling
TK
This is probably not what Bill Cosby had in mind. Actually, come to think of it ...
8) Mud Sliding
TK
Get your fill of water park fun without the burn of chlorine.

 

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Selfie Secrets: Photo Bomber

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Selfie Secrets: The Photobomber

App-based dating's awesome, right? Everyone accurately represents themselves and what you see's what you get, right? We take a look behind some of the tritest tropes when it comes to profile pics. This week? The girl who creepsters her way into 'the perfect' group shot with more attractive ladies.

 

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Personal Fouls: What To Never Do At A BBQ

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Personal Fouls: What To Never Do At A BBQ

In our latest video series, we apply what happens in sports to real life scenarios. Expect red flags, ejections, and a whole lotta fouls.

 

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The NFL Trivia You've Gotta Know Before Your Next Bar Bet

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The NFL Trivia You've Gotta Know Before Your Next Bar Bet

You're a bit of a know-it-all when it comes to sports, aren't you? Well, prepare to be thoroughly embarrassed as we school you in NFL factoids that'll put you back on top of sports pub trivia.

 

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The Country's Most Awesome Underground Restaurants

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We're going to let you in on a little secret -- there're hugely cool things happening in the culinary world under your nose that you're totally not at all privy to. But rather than teasing you for being an outsider looking in, we'll pull back the curtain on some truly awesome below-the-radar supper clubs and pop-ups. Check 'em out!

Hush -- Washington, DC & Chicago, IL
TK
You won't be able to go back to your go-to butter chicken place after a meal at Geeta's place. She puts together elaborate, multi-hour feasts of Gujarati Jain home cooking for a select group (around ten diners). But you'll get more than incredible eats -- she walks her guests through a spice tour of the courses ahead.

Wolvesmouth -- Los Angeles, CA
TK
To even be considered for an invite to dine with chef Craig Thornton, get ready to fill out an application form. Be charming! Because only 24ppl make the cut each night. And as this has become a see-and-be-seen sensation, wait time's around a year. Good luck!
Sunday Dinner Club -- Chicago, IL
TK
Start asking around about these guys now, as invites only make it by referral from chefs Joshua Kulp (Blackbird) and Christine Cikowski (Milk & Honey). They host five to ten dinners a month in private homes around the city.
Blind Pig -- Asheville, NC
TK
Blind Pig's an awesome and eclectic cooperative of chefs, designers, musicians and farmers. Expect hyper-local Southern Appalachian grub (there's still time to make it to their "Pig Lebowski" night next week!) on a monthly basis. And, as it's Asheville, y'all, it's easier to make it to the table -- just check out their site and purchase an event ticket. Enjoy!

The Garrett -- NYC
TK
If you're serious about your burgers, you'll already be aware of the wonder that is Five Guys. But if you don't often find yourself creeping around a resto, looking for seemingly 'employees only' entrances, you may not know of The Garret -- a secret bar above the Five Guys in the West Village. The decor is awesome, and you'll feel let in on something special when you order a burger from the boys downstairs that can only be had right here.
Holdfast Dining -- Portland, OR
TK
This place couldn't be 'more Portland' if it tried -- the ten counter seat does inventive, other-worldly (and obviously local, sustainable, and the like) dish-and-drink pairings two to three times a week.

 

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Today's Funny Photos

Dogs Wearing Masks Are Funny All Year Round

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If you've been wondering what you should do with that stupid Halloween mask you paid way too much for, the Internet has got you covered. Put it on your dog, take a picture and share it with everyone you know. As you'll see below, that's what everyone else seems to be doing. It's a good thing these masked dogs can't actually see these photos or they'd probably never obey their masters again.

dogs wearing masks
dogs wearing masks
dogs wearing masks
dogs wearing masks
dogs wearing masks
dogs wearing masks
dogs wearing masks
dogs wearing masks
dogs wearing masks
dogs wearing masks
dogs wearing masks
dogs wearing masks
dogs wearing masks
dogs wearing masks
dogs wearing masks
dogs wearing masks
dogs wearing masks
dogs wearing masks
dogs wearing masks
dogs wearing masks
dogs wearing masks

h/t HappyPlace

 

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The Cast of 'The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' 24 Years Later

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It's hard to believe that "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" of NBC fame is more than 24 years old, first airing in September 1990 and ending in May 1996. It revolved around a teen (the titular Will Smith) from Philly who was sent to live with his wealthy aunt and uncle in Bel-Air (where crazy hijinks ensued!). The show ran for 148 episodes and went successfully into syndication. It also helped launch Will Smith into major superstardom. What's surprising is how well some of these actors have held up over the years. Check out some of your sitcom faves and see what they're doing nearly two decades later.

Will Smith as Will "The Fresh Prince" Smith
Cast of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Will Smith
Easily the biggest star to emerge from the show, Will Smith is ... do we even need to tell you? "Independence Day." "Men in Black." "Bad Boys." "I Am Legend." The list goes on and on. He's now also producing movies that star his (sigh) son, Jaden. Love him or not, he's one of Hollywood's most bankable actors (save a few recent flops).

Alfonso Ribeiro as Carlton Banks
Cast of The Fresh Prince, Alfonso Ribeiro
Alfonso Ribeiro took his success from "Fresh Prince" and segued into a directing career. He directed episodes of the comedy series "All of Us," "Meet the Browns" and "Are We There Yet?" He's also had a few acting gigs here and there, as well as appearing on the reality show "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out Of Here!" Most recently, he can be seen on "Dancing With The Stars."

Karyn Parsons as Hilary Banks
The Cast of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Karyn Parsons
Cutie Karyn Parsons appeared in a few projects after "Fresh Prince," including "Melrose Place" and "The Ladies Man," among other projects, but she's been most busy as the founder of Sweet Blackberry, an award-winning organization whose mission is to bring little-known stories of African American achievement to kids. She currently has a Kickstarter for her latest project, "The Janet Collins Story."

Ross Bagley as Nicholas "Nicky" Banks
The Cast of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Ross Bagley
Ross Bagley went from playing Will Smith's cousin on the series to Will's stepson in the film "Independence Day." He's had a few parts since then, and in 2012 graduated from California State Northridge with a degree in Cinema & Television Arts.

DJ Jazzy Jeff as Jazz
The Cast of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, DJ Jazzy Jeff
DJ Jazzy Jeff was always more of a DJ than an actor, and his acting credits since "Fresh Prince" are sparse. His music, however, isn't. In 2007, he released "The Return of the Magnificent," which featured collaborations with old school and new school artists. And in 2013, he performed with Will Smith on the "Graham Norton Show". That same year, he released "Vinyl Destination," a web series documenting his hundred-plus DJ shows from all around the world.

Nia Long as Lisa Wilkes
The Cast of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Nia Long
Mandatory readers know that we've written about Nia Long before, and for good reason. She just keeps getting better-looking with age. You've seen her on "Third Watch," "Judging Amy," "House of Lies" and a ton of others. Per her IMDb bio, she loves to cook organic farmer's market fresh meals adding a twist of her Trinidadian heritage. When she's not juggling between her career and motherhood, she enjoys staying active by doing Pilates, boxing, hiking and horseback riding.

Joseph Marcell as Geoffrey
The Cast of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Joseph Marcell
Joseph Marcell is an actor who can bounce between the soapiness of "The Bold and the Beautiful" to the BBC's "EastEnders." That, my friends, is what they call in acting range. He also serves on the board of Shakespeare's Globe Theatre in London, England. Dude was slumming on "Fresh Prince"!

James Avery as Philip Banks
The Cast of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, James Avery
Though his role on "The Fresh Prince" is what made him famous, James Avery had a long career after the show's finish. You might've caught him on "The Closer" or "That '70s Show" among a bunch of others. We like him even more after finding this quote: "Monetary success is not success. Career success is not success. Life, someone that loves you, giving to others, doing something that makes you feel complete and full: That is success. And it isn't dependent on anyone else." Sadly, he passed away in December 2013.

Janet Louise Hubert as Vivian Banks #1
The Cast of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Janet Louise Hubert
Apparently, Janet Louise Hubert left "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" when NBC failed to negotiate beyond offering her 10 weeks of work. Not a career-ender, she later appeared on "The Job" and "One Life to Live," among many other guest spots. However, in 2009, she self-published an autobiography titled "Perfection Is Not a Sitcom Mom." The book details life on the set of "Fresh Prince" and her assertion that Will Smith orchestrated her departure.

Daphne Maxwell Reid as Vivian Banks #2
The Cast of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Daphne Maxwell Reid
Daphne Maxwell Reid had a solid TV career before she was even cast on "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." Since then, she continued to act, albeit a bit less. Most interesting, though, is that she now sells photography through her website called, pun-intended, Fresh Prints. As she writes, "The time has come for me to share my photographic eye with you. I hope to awaken your childhood sense of wonder and curiosity with 'Daphne Maxwell Reid's Fresh Prints(R).'"

Tatyana M. Ali as Ashley Banks
The Cast of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Tatyana M. Ali
Tatyana Ali is yet another familiar face to Mandatory fans. Not just an actor, this thespian attended Harvard. Smart and sexy. She also traveled the country as a spokesperson for the Obama presidential campaign in 2008. She stills acts, too, appearing most frequently on "The Young and the Restless."


h/t Buzzfeed

 

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Jeannie Santiago Rides Better Than Any Amateur Cybergirl

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Jeannie Santiago is doing wonders for Playboy as their site's latest amateur cybergirl, but we assure you, she's much more than amateur. Jeannie tells us how she likes to exercise and ride bikes to keep a tight butt, which will not disappoint anyone when she shows it off in the video. This California girl sports black on black with a nice set of heels. If it's your first time riding with Playboy, Jeannie might be just the way to dip your toes in, or you could just go all extreme sports with it and follow all our Mandatory girls.

 

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This is the Best Way to Deal With Junk Mail

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If you're like us, there's always a tiny sense of excitement when you head to the mailbox. It's one of the few surprises left in life. You wonder, what's for me? Yeah, there are bills, and sometimes an actual letter, but unfortunately, there's also the bane of every postman and environmentalist everywhere: junk mail. The utter waste of space and paper. But we came across an awesome way to stick it to the marketers. Imagine a revolution: If we all did this, junk mail might be eliminated forever. Now, if only there was a way to deal with political robocalls the same way.

how to deal with junk mail
Via Weknowmemes

 

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15 Pizza Delivery Guys Reveal The Strangest Thing They've Seen on the Job

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Being a pizza delivery person isn't exactly the most glamorous occupation. Most of the time, if someone's ordered pizza it's because they didn't feel like doing anything else. And don't let the adult film world fool you, it's not a job that often leads to nailing a group of models. But when your job is to go to people's private residences regularly, you have to witness some interesting things. A Reddit thread asked former and current pizza delivery guys to share the strangest things they've seen on the job. Here are some of the best responses.

1. Secret Pizza
Once, I was delivering pizza and when I got to the house a guy was hiding in the bushes of the home. He whispers to put the pizza at the bottom of the garbage can outside and then come over to the bushes so he could sign the receipt, etc. Apparently the guy didn't want his wife to know that he had ordered pizza. He ordered regularly and this happened each time.

2. Terrible Timing
I delivered to this family and their dog had just died. I got up to the sidewalk and noticed a woman sprawled out, face-up, on the driveway, just screaming and bawling. She gets up and composes herself and acts like nothing's wrong. We walk to her door together and she pays and explains and says she's embarrassed, I said no problem. They open their delivery and we MESSED UP THEIR ORDER. At that point, her husband came and relieved her of her box, as she had just started bawling again. Glad I got to make her day even worse by messing up their dinner as well.

3. The Old Lady
This one lady ordered a sandwich, which was just at the 6-dollar minimum for delivery. Total was $5.99 plus tax. Of course, I come to the door and it's an old lady. I tell her the price is $6.34 and she goes off on a tangent about how it was supposed to be $5.99.

I had to sit there and explain sales tax to her. She shut the door and came back with a calculator and I had to explain to her how to multiply by the tax rate and showed her why it was not $5.99 like her coupon said.

4. The Nice Kid
I've been delivering for 2 years, and surprisingly haven't had any awkward situations, but there was this one little kid who answered the door, he was probably about 4, for his mom. He brought the receipt to his mom to sign, and when he brought it back, he said, "Here, my mom doesn't tip so I will!" He gave me this crumpled-up dollar from his pocket.

5. Motel 6
I was delivering to a Motel 6, which was always an adventure. I pulled in and there were cop cars everywhere. I thought, "Please don't be the person who ordered pizza. Don't be the person who ordered pizza. Oh great, it's definitely the guy." We locked eyes and he was in cuffs. He turns around and says something to the cop. The cop grabs the money off the dresser and I gave him the pizza. At least it was a decent tip.

6. The Old Man
I was delivering food when this extremely weak, sickly old man came to the door. He was so weak he had to lean on the door to stay up. After he paid, he reached his weak shaking hand out, so I shook it. I thought he was being nice. I shook his weak old hand and it felt like death. Turns out he was just reaching for his food. I felt like an idiot.

7. The Drunk Guy
I had to fight a guy off after delivering a pizza. He was very drunk and thought I was a taxi so he kept on trying to get in my car. I literally kicked him out of the passenger side and sped off into the night with the passenger door open until the next hard right.

8. The Bathrobes
I once delivered to an apartment where two people in bathrobes answered the door, I could see their bondage equipment and garments under their robes.

9. The Prank
Girl answers the door, and yells to her sister, "Your boyfriend's here." Sister comes running down in her bra and underwear. Gets to the door sees a confused-looking pizza guy so she screams and runs away while yelling profanities at her sister.

The sister loses it laughing and gives me a $8 tip.

10. A Tip For Something More
I was delivering 2 large pizzas to an apartment building one night. The recipient was waiting for me in the lobby. He was staggeringly drunk. Throughout the exchange he was vehemently trying to get me to come back up to his unit with him. I am not sure if he was gay or wanted to kill me, but either way I refused. When he finally got to paying me, he just handed me $100 bill for the $30 order. He insisted I keep the change and may have winked at me as he said it. I am not positive on the wink, though as he was so drunk his eyes were not totally coordinated.

11. The Recurring Customer
There is a woman in Stroud, U.K., that will answer the door to us naked from the waist down every single time. It's not a pretty sight and we all hate taking that delivery.

12. Passed Out
I showed up to deliver a pizza on a hot summer night and the guy who ordered it was passed out flat on his back in the living room just inside the screen door. The TV was blasting so loud he would have had a hard time hearing me knocking and shouting even if he hadn't been unconscious. After about a minute he stirred, got himself up and paid. I think he intended to give me two tens and a one for the $18 pizza, but he was so out of it he gave me two twenties and a five, $27 tip.

13. First Delivery
It was my first day and my first delivery ever. It was to a Motel 6. The guy answered wearing red pumps, a purple and black kitty cat thong, and a pink felt blouse. I told him I liked his purse and walked out with a $20 tip :)

14. Legal Battles
One time I showed up in the middle of a horribly heated discussion about child support. When I got there with not only pizza, but wings and an overpriced 2-liter, I was used as ammunition that she was not spending what he gave her wisely. It was awkward, to say the least.

15. The Awful Prank
I'm a girl and was delivering a big order to a guy's party.

The apartment was on the top floor so after hauling about 10 pizzas up three flights of stairs I looked considerably frazzled.

The guy opens the door and there are about 15 men in the apartment and he says I should come in and put them down on the table. Now, I know better than to just enter people's houses but this table was right near the door and there was no way I was going to be able to take the cash with three pizza bags draped over my arms so I take one step towards the table and hear the door slam shut behind me.

He locks the door and says, "We got one" and all these guys start snickering. Although it turned out to be a joke (albeit, not a funny one), it was one of the most terrifying moments in my life.

 

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Florida Woman Tries to Steal Brandy by Hiding It in Her Vagina (Slightly NSFW)

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BAD: A woman walked into a liquor store and attempted to steal a bottle of booze by shoving it up her vagina.

WORSE: She did it in front of a kid.

EVEN WORSE: The kid is hers, meaning she has procreated at least once.

WORST: It was all for a bottle of E&J Brandy.

According to the Dana Cortez Show, that's exactly what happened in a Florida liquor store last month, when the woman was caught on camera doing the dirty deed.

woman steals brandy by shoving it up her vagina
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but in this case, it's more like a million.

For starters, it doesn't look like this was the first time she's used her birth canal as a theft accessory. Second, the boogeyman is going to seem harmless compared to what this kid is going to see in his nightmares. And finally, for the love of God, let's hope that bottle didn't find its way back onto the shelf after it was returned to the store owner.

Speed bumps would have meant trouble for this girl: Tennessee Woman Caught With Loaded Gun in Her Vagina

 

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Colorado State Student on Molly and Cocaine Steals Ambulance and Masturbates at Police Station

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If your parents are still giving you crap about your C-minus in Physics 101 last semester, here's a story that should get them off your back.

According to colorado state student masturbates at police station after stealing ambulanceDeadspin, an 18-year-old student at Colorado State University stole an ambulance last weekend, crashed it on a state highway and eventually masturbated in front of police officers after he was detained.

Stefan Sortland told police he took molly and cocaine at a Halloween concert before he stole an ambulance from an EMS crew that was on campus treating an "intoxicated student for seizures." He then took it on a joyride down Highway 34, where police found it in the middle of the road with "several doors open, heavy front-end damage and fluid leaking."

Police used a stun gun on Sortland, who was standing about 30 yards away, wearing an EMS vest with a "blanket, a cell phone and a box of Wheat Thins" on him, when he refused their commands. Upon his arrival to Loveland Police Department, Sortland closed out his performance by masturbating inside the station and telling police his "friends/roommates were dead, in heaven, and had committed suicide."

No word if the Wheat Thins belonged to Sortland or some super-pissed-off EMS worker.

Here's another guy who will never be a senator: Drunk Man Crashes Into Restaurant Then Gets Out and Masturbates

 

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12 Totally Useless But Interesting Facts About Actors and Musicians

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If your goal this coming weekend is to be the guy at a party who spouts a bunch of interesting and random facts about the entertainment industry, then you've come to the right place. Memorize these little nuggets and you'll be making people say, "Really?!" in no time.













 

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NYC Subway Fight Erupts After Woman Hits Guy With Her High Heels and He Slaps Her (Video)

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Here's another good reason to use Uber.

According to Uproxx, an ugly brawl erupted on the New York City subway last week after a woman hit a man in the back of his head with her high heels and he retaliated with a slap that could have been heard in Jersey.


The video shows a group of three women giving a super tall guy a hard time over his unique combo of an Elmer Fudd winter hat and 8-Ball leather jacket at 4:16 a.m. on the F line.

After at least 40 seconds of taunting, the girls then turn their attention to the guy taking video on his cell phone. One of the girls slaps the phone out of his hands twice before returning to making fun of the tall guy's outerwear, but at that point, he's had enough. She calls him "stupid," he responds with "bitch," and all hell breaks loose.

And to think, none of this would have happened if everybody would have just gone to bed at midnight.

Taxi, please: Possibly Possessed Woman Freaks Out on Train, Causes Fight

 

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