Kim Kardashian Tries To Break The Internet With Her Ass, Pretty Much Succeeds

November 12, 2014, 1:29 am

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Kim Kardashian really knows how to get your attention-and apparently all it takes is a magazine cover. Directly below is the first cover. But we all know you want to just keep scrolling to see the photo that has everyone talking. So I'll shut up for a second and let you take it all in.




So, if you ever stop staring at that photo, here are the details ... ahem ... behind it. This is from Paper magazine's winter 2014 issue. The first version of the cover features Kanye West's better half recreating the iconic "champagne incident" image by Jean-Paul Goude.

As for the alternative cover, that concept was a little more straightforward. Photograph Kim Kardashian's most famous asset and let the Internet take care of the rest. It seemed to work.

Here's the magazine's official statement on the covers: "For our winter issue, we gave ourselves one assignment: Break The Internet," wrote Paper. "There is no other person that we can think of who is up to the task than one Kim Kardashian West. A pop culture fascination able to generate headlines just by leaving her house, Kim is what makes the Web tick."

The issue will hit stands Thursday and is priced at $10.

Now I'll let you get back to staring.

 

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The Walk of Shame: Do's and Don'ts

November 12, 2014, 2:50 am

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It's a right of passage for every college-bound guy. You go out and have a few too many drinks that dull your senses and impair your judgment. You go home with someone. Then you wake up the next morning with a raging hangover and the longest journey of your life ahead of you. How do you handle it? Thankfully, we're here to help. Just follow these simple instructions and your "walk of shame" will be as shameless as possible.

 

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Nadia Dawn Ushers in the Dawn of Hotness

November 12, 2014, 3:01 am

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Can Harry and Lloyd Screw Over More People 20 Years Later?

November 12, 2014, 4:50 am

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It's been two decades since we've seen the dimwitted "Dumb and Dumber" duo ignorantly screw over countless people in pursuit of a woman, but this November, they're finally back. In honor of that, let's look back and rank those Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne screwed over the most in the first film, to see whether or not they can outdo themselves in "Dumb and Dumber To."

10) Mrs. Neugeboren (Neugiburger) & Her Poor Mutts

Harry, while working as a driver for Mutt Cutts, stopped to buy hotdogs and roast beef sandwiches for Mrs. Neugeboren's show dogs before their contest. Instead of being primed and ready, the dogs ended up covered in ketchup and mustard in the back of his sheepdog van.


9) Female Undercover Detective

Lloyd leaves the undercover detective (played by Victoria Rowell) in a bar once he finds out Mary Swanson lives in the "big place, Alpine Drive." That was after Harry got her number at a gas station and never called her. Poor gal.


8) Diner Waitress

The boys pull an old western prank where they dine and ditch by sticking their tab on another restaurant customer (Sea Bass), but not before insulting the waitress ("Flo, like the TV show") first and stealing some snacks before they hit the road.


7) Sea Bass & The Fellas

Played brilliantly by NHL all-star Cam Neely, Sea Bass not only gets stuck with Harry and Lloyd's bill after getting hit with the salt shaker, but he also gets knocked out cold in a gas station restroom when Harry busts through the stall door with his foot on fire.


6) Mary Swanson

After taking Mary's briefcase, which was supposed to be used to save her husband, they spent all the ransom money on lavish gifts and left IOUs in their place ("$275 thou--might want to hang onto that one"). In the end, both Harry and Lloyd fought over a married woman and almost got her and her husband killed.


5) Nicholas Andre

Harry and Lloyd completely ruined Mr. Andre's plan to kidnap Mary's husband and demand ransom, but just to send a message, they also unintentionally killed the "nice set of hooters" at his Icelandic Snow Owl Preservation Society dinner. Those owls never hurt anybody!


4) State Trooper

After escaping from the diner without paying their tab, Lloyd was forced to urinate into empty beer bottles so that Sea Bass wouldn't "catch up and slit their throats." After getting pulled over for speeding with an open container(s), the state trooper (Harland Williams) drinks Lloyd's urine before tweaking his taste buds on the side of the road. "Tic-Tac, sir?"


3) Billy in 4C, aka "The Blind Kid!?"

It goes without saying that taking money from a blind kid is a cardinal sin, but when Lloyd gives a dead bird ("Petey didn't even have a head") to the blind kid, along with some baseball cards and a sack of marbles, that is the most cardinal sin of all.


2) Joe Mentalino

It's a very Good Samaritan way of living when you pick up hitchhikers on the side of the road, but it's a very different thing when Harry and Lloyd fill Joe Mentalino's burger with atomic peppers as a goof. The guy with the ulcer gets a lethal dose of rat poison before Harry and Lloyd grab the check and split the scene in the 1984 Sheepdog.


1) Each Other

Not even rat poisoning can match the backstabbing of a best friend. Between the cheating Mr. French Tickler, adding a few extra half teaspoons of laxative for "fast, effective relief" and letting each other miss out on oiling up a bus full of hot bikini babes, it seems Harry and Lloyd are not only each other's best friends, but also their greatest enemies, screwing one another over time and time again. We'll see just how much more they can screw each other over 20 years later. "Dumb and Dumber To" opens up on November 14.

 

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Will Bank Of America Refund Money You Spent At The Strip Club?

November 12, 2014, 4:50 am

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I have to hand it to Bank of America. Their online customer service reps will put up with a lot of ridiculous questions with no sense of judgment whatsoever. I logged onto their site and inquired about starting a new account, but was hesitant because of a bad experience with my last bank and a strip club. It starts off simple enough, but quickly spirals into a story of deceit, forgiveness, and mysterious boating accidents. Enjoy!

 

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Watch What Happens When a Girl Pretends to be Drunk in Public

November 12, 2014, 5:14 am

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Right on the heels of the infamous street harassment video that went viral last month, is this video that makes some men look--unbelievably--even more creepy and disgusting. In it, a young, attractive woman walks down Hollywood Blvd. pretending to be super drunk. The "social experiment" is to see if anyone will help her out by getting her home safely. Unsurprisingly, several men jumped at the chance to assist the young damsel in distress, but unfortunately, the kind of assistance they offered was pretty gross. In fact, one guy's idea of helping was bringing her back to his place to check out his waterbed. Who still has a waterbed?!

 

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The Pre-Game: The Only Fashion Tips You Will Ever Need

November 12, 2014, 5:34 am

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Welcome back to "The Pre-Game" with your host Cy Amundson, our show that features everything you care about in the world of sports, social media and comedy. Today's episode features actress Mircea Monroe and comedian Ryan Stout. We picked Mircea and Ryan's brain about what a guy needs to dress like, before they get into a heated battle of Catchphrase to pick the winner in the Thursday night NFL game between the Miami Dolphins and Buffalo Bills.

"The Pre-Game" host and producer Cy Amundson has quickly established himself as one of the nation's fastest rising stand-up comedians. He was a standout performer as a New Face at last summer's Montreal Just For Laughs festival and recently made his television debut on "Conan."

Named CMT's Next Big Comic for 2011, Cy has been on the "Bob and Tom Show" and has performed in the Aspen Comedy Festival, Seattle International Comedy Competition, and the Great American Comedy Festival.

Visit the Home of "The Pre-Game" for more episodes.

 

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Would You Sit in a Bulletproof SUV and Get Shot at by an AK-47?

November 12, 2014, 6:56 am

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If you've ever wanted to know what it's like to be shot at with an AK-47 while sitting comfortably in the driver's seat of a Benz, then here's your chance. In a totally putting-his-money-where-his-mouth-is moment, the president and CEO of Texas Armoring Corporation showed off how well its protective windshield holds up against hot lead when he allowed himself to be the target behind the wheel. Ballsy, brilliant or downright stupid? You make the call.

 

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Russian Woman Twerks So Hard She...Well...Messes Up Her Pants

November 12, 2014, 7:21 am

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I mean, I don't really know what else to add here. Just watch. Ugh. That is horrifying. And yet another reason to never, ever twerk. And definitely don't twerk on camera. And if this happens, definitely don't post it. Yuck.

 

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Dude Busted Dancing to Sheena Easton Tune in Just His Drawers

November 12, 2014, 7:37 am

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Hey, it could have been much worse. I mean, he could have been busted listening to the Goo Goo Dolls instead.

According to Huffington Post, some poor bastard in just his skimpies was recently cleaning up his place after a Halloween party when the Sheena Easton song "Morning Train" began to play. But instead of changing the station or hitting fast forward on his mom's iPod, the dude decided it was the perfect time to channel his inner Carlton Banks.


While some might argue the video is a phony because he doesn't acknowledge the dog walking past him and he really doesn't kick it into gear until the camera is in the perfect position, the moment he realizes he is being recorded by his roommate seems to suggest otherwise. I mean, that dude is genuinely embarrassed, and let's be honest: He should be.

Now this guy has nothing to be ashamed of when he starts shaking it: Watch This Grandpa Kill It on the Dance Floor

 

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'Reno 911' Actress Says a BJ a Day Keeps the Divorce Attorney Away

November 12, 2014, 8:37 am

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Niecy Nash said some pretty funny things as Deputy Raineesha Williams on Comedy Central's "Reno 911," but it turns out she might be even more brilliant with a pen.

According to Uproxx, Nash recently released a book titled, "It's Hard to Fight Naked," and she discussed it in an interview with Playboy this week:

What I say in the book is, "A BJ a day keeps the divorce attorney away" and I say that because I feel like men are profoundly simplistic, which is the reason I wanted to call my book what I used at the title of chapter three, which is, 'Stomach Full, Penis Empty: A Woman's Guide to a Happy Marriage.' Keeping him fed and drained, you have no problem."

Nash added that she thought women are more generous with oral sex because they "nurture by nature." While some men might take offense to that statement, we're OK with it as long as the whole "BJ a day" thing keeps up.

This woman was apparently trying to live up to the task, just not with her own husband: Texas Woman Arrested for Unwanted BJ

 

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Listen to This Clip of Bryan Cranston Reading 'You Have to F***ing Eat'

November 12, 2014, 9:06 am

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Author Adam Mansbach damn near made us piss our pants in 2011 when he had the stones to write what parents everywhere wanted to say to their stubborn kids, even if it was just once.

Well, the author of "Go The F**k to Sleep" is back with another dandy that is sure to warm the hearts of families from Maine to California, and this time he brought Emmy winner Bryan Cranston along for the ride.

Mansbach asked Cranston to narrate his latest effort entitled "You Have to F***ing Eat," and the result is beyond hysterical. (Warning: NSFW language)


The full version of "You Have to F***ing Eat" is available for free here, and it doesn't disappoint. No word on what Mansbach has in store for his next children's book for adults, but something like, "There are Other People on This Plane, So You Should Stop F***ing Crying" would probably be a bestseller.

"Mommy Needs to Go to Detox" also sounds like a winner: A Gallery of Off-Color Children's Books

 

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Today's Funny Photos

November 12, 2014, 11:47 pm

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The Funniest GIFs of the Week

November 13, 2014, 12:52 am

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Put This Useless Trivia to Good Use

November 13, 2014, 1:26 am

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Everyone loves trivia. If this weren't true, then why did I go to five different trivia nights at five different bars last week? See what I mean? Anyway, next time you hit up a trivia night or are simply looking to break the ice with a new group of people, have some of these fun facts in your back pocket.

 

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A Tribute to the Greatest Mustaches of All Time

November 13, 2014, 1:33 am

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For one month out of the year, men have an excuse to proudly sport a mustache, moustache, mo, cookie duster, lip sweater or whatever else they want to call it. That excuse is November's Movember, a cause to raise awareness for men's health. However, some men go above and beyond the call of facial fur duty, and this article is in honor of them. Whether these 'staches were temporary or permanent doesn't matter--they are heroes forever.























BEARDS ARE FOR THE BIRDS
The way we see it, there's two ways to save money on razors: Either never shave again OR join Dollar Shave Club. Never shaving will get you a ZZ Top beard that'll earn mad respect from bikers. But it limits non-Santa job opportunities. Our advice? Go with the Dollar Shave Club option. They deliver amazing quality razors right to your door for just a few bucks. Plus, you don't have to chase families of birds out of your beard. Join Dollar Shave Club. You'll love it. ​There's no membership fees and ​it's​ easy ​to cancel,​ whenever you want.

 

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The Greatest Quotes From Your Favorite 'Seinfeld' Characters

November 13, 2014, 2:48 am

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It's no exaggeration to say that "Seinfeld" took the world by storm. For nine seasons, the groundbreaking sitcom brought one hilarious moment after the next. Its glossary of funny terms--"sponge-worthy," "yada-yada-yada" and "Master of your Domain," to name a few--spilled out from the television right into our living rooms like no other series before or since. Every character was capable of delivering lines that could keep us rolling with laughter. Here is a list of our favorite "Seinfeld" inhabitants along with their funniest quote.

 

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What If Forrest Gump Had Instagram?

November 13, 2014, 4:50 am

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Cell phones and Instagram didn't come along until long after the events of "Forrest Gump" took place. In fact, cell phones were barely around 20 years ago when the film was released. But what if they had been? What if Forrest Gump was able to document all of the amazing things he did throughout his life and immediately upload them for his friends and family to see? We imagine it would've looked a little something like this:






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The 20th Anniversary Digital Edition of "Forrest Gump" is available on iTunes now.

 

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Authorities Think Porpoise Humped Itself to Death

November 13, 2014, 6:12 am

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We have finally found a case in which the phrase, "Well, at least he died doing what he loved!" would be an accurate statement.

According to The Argus, experts believe a dead porpoise that was dumped in an alleyway in Worthing, England probably first washed up onto the beach after it died from having too much sex.

A member of the Cetacean Strandings Investigation Program performed an autopsy on the mammal and said that it most likely died from "starvation after using too much energy mating."

"This appears to be an elderly porpoise," Rob Deaville said. "[It] would have had to expend most of his energy reserves to mate - leaving him deathly hungry and cold."

Deaville added that the porpoise was probably carried into town, and he "strongly suspected" the person who did so was drunk.

"Sadly, it's not the first time this has happened, and it won't be the last," Deaville said. "We got a call once about a dolphin that was stuffed inside a phone box in Kent."

For the porpoise's sake, it's a good thing this didn't happen in Florida, as the drunk guy who carried it into town probably would have tried to have sex with it first: Florida Man Had Sex With His Pit Bull in Front of His Neighbors

 

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Daniel Tosh's Breakdown of ESPN's 'SportsCenter' is Hilariously Perfect

November 13, 2014, 8:03 am

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You would think that corporations and television networks would have learned by now that it's not wise to piss off a comedian, especially a good one like Daniel Tosh.

On a recent episode of Comedy Central's "Tosh.0," Tosh brought to light the fact that ESPN pretty much stole his "Web Redemption" segment during a recent edition of "SportsCenter" when they gave a guy who tripped while singing the Canadian national anthem before a hockey game a chance to redeem himself by jumping over the carpet that tripped him up the first time around.

That led to Tosh asking his viewing audience, "Did ESPN really think I wouldn't notice when they came up with an eerily familiar new segment called 'Awesome Video Segment?'"

Not to be outdone, Tosh came up with a hysterical parody of ESPN's "Sport Science," where he broke down what makes up an average episode of "SportsCenter."

Tosh.0
Get More: Comedy Central

We're not sure if 72 percent of the show is spent "jerking off the SEC" (as it might be more than that), but 41 percent of the show being used for the NFL crime report sounds about right.

Charles Barkley with Joakim Noah hair is also hilarious: Here's What the 'NBA on TNT' Crew Would Look Like With Joakim Noah Hair

 

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