Companies across the world owe a debt of gratitude to summer interns, who keep ships afloat during the hot months with a jolt of knowledge and energy.
Your path to becoming captain of that ship, summer intern, begins the first day you step in the door. Don't waste time. Follow these simple steps to excellence.
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INTERACTING WITH YOUR COLLEAGUES
1. Notice we didn't use the word "superiors," because that's silly and antiquated and really, because you now stand on equal footing with everyone. Act as if.
2. That said, show your appreciation to some of the veterans at your workplace, the people you'll be working with, but mainly to the most important people in the organization, i.e., presidents, vice presidents, senior management. None of the other people draw any water, so don't waste your limited time speaking with or even paying attention to them. You have about 10 weeks, not months.
3. Now, once you've identified the right person, start sucking up. Make sure you show special attention to him or her as often as possible, laugh at jokes (even bad ones) and find opportunities to interact (even to ask a question you already know the answer to). This will not only curry that person's favor, but also demonstrate that you're deferential to influential people and will be capable of flattering anyone who needs their ego stroked. You don't
actually have to kiss someone's ass. (Unless that opportunity arises. Then definitely do it.)
4. Don't waste your time with support staff, secretaries or lowly grunts. Remember, these people won't help you get a full-time job at the company when the summer is over. Besides, they usually don't even have anything interesting to say, so no eye contact or small talk.
5. Now matter how the executives react to your brown-nosing, keep doing it. They love persistence. Find ways to be around that person as much as possible, regardless of whether you're working on an assignment issued by another person. Once this person obviously likes you and favors you, it cements the notion that you are superior to your peers. Don't let them forget it because they'll be gunning for a full-time hire eventually, too.
GETTING THE JOB DONE
6. Don't ask questions. Questions are annoying. Maybe ask about a colleague's personal life but
never about an assignment. By asking questions, you'll highlight all the things you don't know and show a lack of independence to figure it out on your own, no matter how long that might take. Plus questions only waste a person's time. Just listen when someone gives you a task, show how bright you are, and move along.
7. If you
insist on asking questions, don't bother taking notes. By asking questions you're only demonstrating that you're the type of person who depends on clarifications before completing a task. You can always go back and ask for the person to explain the task later -- if any of the information they self-indulgently spouted out to sound smart becomes relevant.
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DRESS THE PART
8. You've heard the phrase "dress to impress." Now do it. Doesn't matter if you're in a work environment where employees don't need to wear ties. Say it out loud: DRESS. TO. IMPRESS. Wear your best suit. Every day. Wear button-down shirts, ties, shoes, the works. Stand out when no one else does. Casual Friday? More like "Black Tie" Friday.
9. Alternatively, if you notice your office is super-casual and actually encourages non-professional attire like jeans and polos, take this as your signal to wear whatever the heck you want: stained clothes you haven't gotten around to washing yet, cargo shorts, even bathing suits if you've run out of boxers. They don't care so why should you?
10. This one goes specifically to the ladies. It's summertime, when any dress code pretty much falls to the wayside. If you're unsure of what to wear, ask, "What would my father think if he knew I wore this to work?" Proceed from there. If he'd give no reaction, you're probably dressed too conservatively. You know who'd like to see some skin, particularly during the hot months? Old men. Old men who write checks, whose names are on the door of the building. Your cleavage is practically part of the summer decor. Last note: your bra should always be visible.
COMMUNICATION
11. Many of the people you'll be working with (age 30 and up) didn't grow up using the Internet and e-mail the way you did, so excuse them if communicating through those channels isn't as seamless. Point is, they don't realize that e-mail communications should be informal, stream-of-conscious, unedited blocks of text. It's not their fault but don't correct them.
12. Alternatively, if you've got a strong vocabulary and want to apply the ideas in steps 1-5, e-mail is a nice forum to sustain your regular discourse with a colleague, or begin one with another person you haven't had the chance to see much yet. Use proper syntax, big words, treat seemingly small matters like one of life and death. And don't make the mistake of leaving the "CC" field blank. It's there to include anyone who might be tangentially related to the subject at hand, and also passively advise anyone else of your actions.
13.
Apply your college course knowledge and experience. Remember you
just learned it in school, so it's fresh in your head. For the most part, knowledge trumps experience. If you see someone performing a task in a way contrary to what you recently learned from a teacher's assistant, bring them back up to speed with your training. Your colleagues will definitely appreciate and remember this.
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THE BOARD ROOM
13. Have a bit of down time before a meeting begins? Sit in the boss's chair, or sit in any chair regardless whether they're reserved for upper management. Part of your experience as a summer intern is getting a real feel for the role.
14. Summer internships are your time to shine and there's no better place to do this than at a meeting, where you can impress many people at the same time. Usually one or two people will lead the meeting but that's just a loosely titled role; everyone has really assembled to hear what the summer interns have to say about their first week on the job. Offer your knowledge and experience often and loudly. And remember, interrupting shows a pro-active attitude.
15. Put your phone on the table. It's become common practice in meetings and you want to show you're consistent with the times. Ideally it will ring during the meeting, illustrating that your time is in demand. Take the call but step outside. If it's a text, answer it. You may continue to text throughout if it's a dull meeting.
SOCIAL FUNCTIONS
16. You know who doesn't like to drink booze at workplace gatherings? Dull interns. Dull interns who don't get hired back. Most of your colleagues will know that you're in college or at about that age when partying is your true passion. Failure to act the part -- getting completely tanked and talking shit about everyone you work (including some people who are standing right behind you at the time) -- tends to indicate that a person is a stay-at-home loser. Liquor is there to be consumed, so enjoy and make some lasting impressions.
17. Drinking goes hand-in-hand with sex -- with fellow interns or colleagues who may have caught your eye in the hallway. Use social lubricants to finesse your way to other lubricants. Nothing says "this guy is Don Draper" like banging a gal in the break room.
18. Hung over the next day? Call in sick. In that vein, don't ever compromise your summer social calendar, particularly if you're in a new city. This may be an internship, but it's still summer. Show you understand that with a perfect work-life balance, even if that means shirking assignments.
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SOCIAL MEDIA
19. Make sure to send a Facebook friend request to everyone VP-level and up on day one. Don't waste time. It's like Olive Garden: Once you're there, you're family.
20. Speaking of Facebook, remember that Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest and other social media platforms are an extension of your "brand." You define your brand with pictures and messages disseminated across all these platforms. Be lively. Talk about your workplace experiences with others online. Embrace debate. And definitely don't hold back on your opinions about your new boss.
21. More on Facebook: on a slow day, fire up Facebook chat. You can't be busy all the time, and your colleagues know this, so take the opportunity to catch up with friends and potential sex partners. Tell everyone how busy you are.
WHEN THE JOB IS DONE
22. Give a speech on the last day. Thank anyone and everyone (except low-level employees) for giving you the most unforgettable experience you've ever had. This isn't the Oscars: it should be emotional, but there's no timer. After a 10-week journey, you've earned the right to demand everyone's attention for as long as you need to recap and express gratuity for being a part of your transformative experience. (If you can do all of this drunk at the internet farewell party, even better.)
23. Now that you've pretty much nailed it, go ahead and list anyone you worked with as a reference. No need to ask first since you've already demonstrated your aptitude for excellence.
24. Also, since you've already proved your worth and bonded for the summer, you're pretty much assured of a full-time job upon graduation when that time arises. Until that time, keep up with your colleagues via daily e-mails.
25. That's it, friend. All that's left to do: profit.
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I imagine that's exactly how things went down when a 66 year-old man in Hong Kong went to his doctor complaining about a swollen abdomen only to find out that he is, in fact, a woman.
