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Twitter1 of 20
Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
"Aww he looks exactly like his father!" *pans to father, woh is a baby*
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Twitter2 of 20
When Mambo 5 came out with the retina display it made the Mambo 4S look like shit.
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Twitter3 of 20
Wanna have some fun this evening? Get you some popcorn and a lawn chair and go watch grown men panic at the mall.
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Twitter4 of 20
Sitting by a baby on a long flight is like having 4 million tabs open while 1 of them is auto-playing a trailer for a new Tyler Perry movie.
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Twitter5 of 20
Video games are nothing like real life except that if you do collect more coins you do live longer that's kinda true.
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Twitter6 of 20
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
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Twitter7 of 20
Thyme flies when you're shipping spices overseas via aircraft.
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Twitter8 of 20
if you say "holla" in the mirror 3 times a white girl in a northface jacket and uggs will appear and do the cup song from pitch perfect.
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Twitter9 of 20
"What are you in for?" "I kissed some cops in Knoxville" "You're the Tennessee Cop Kisser?" "I ain't proud of what I done" *leans in for kiss*
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Twitter10 of 20
When I turned 27, the fast Super Mario music started playing.
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Twitter11 of 20
So, I guess we're just supposed to assume the number is 1-800-Ghostbusters?
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Twitter12 of 20
if you don't like being around someone just slip some poison in their beverage, then drink it when they're not looking
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Twitter13 of 20
When you tell me "I don't own a TV" my silent response is, "we're done here."
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Twitter14 of 20
Mountain Dew is rad, but let me tell you about an Extreme Mountain Jew named Moses! Kids, I'm your new bible study teacher, Brad.
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Twitter15 of 20
Celebrating 15 years in my house! A shout out to my neighbors: baldy, fatso, fatso's wife, creepy guy, Steve, hot chick, a-hole, dork...
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Twitter16 of 20
So grateful my cab driver sensed how much I want to talk about his food allergies.
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Twitter17 of 20
How do I know if a baby's faking an injury?
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Twitter18 of 20
I have no sympathy for grooms who realize "this is the only vagina I'll have for the rest of my life." I deal with that horror every morning.
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Twitter19 of 20
If you want your pizza rolls to cook twice as fast, put them in a small microwave and then put that into a bigger microwave.
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Twitter20 of 20Next: Last Week's Most Hilarious Tweets
Every yelp review should start, "First off, I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about."
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