This Week's 20 Most Inappropriately Hilarious Tweets

@TheJamieLee

I'm tolerant of lactose I just don't want it MARRYING MY DAUGHTER.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

My wife is doing this elaborate four-year prank where she leaves me and starts another family in Ohio and looks extremely happy on Facebook.

@leenewtonsays

Sad Fact: Duck bones are incredibly fragile, and could never withstand a 20 ft dive into a vault of coins...

@owlcity

THINGS THAT ANNOY ME: slow internet, when the internet is slow, when you're on the internet and it moves slowly.

@thelaurenobrien

My favorite Sunday activity is going to a drive thru and repeatedly stressing during my order that "this is to go".

@Shanehasabeard

I like to report fake crimes and then see how long it takes the sketch artist to figure out that I'm describing Count Chocula.

@thejoshpatten

I like to help other people find things by pointing out that it's gotta be around here somewhere.

@ElizaBayne

The Lady and the Tramp spaghetti kiss scene except it's me, alone, eating a Hot Pocket over my sink.

@ashley_barnhill

My dad nicknamed me Bambi because I "have brown eyes like a deer" but I know really he was just referencing his hoping my mom would get shot.

@johnfreiler

I hate that one occasional cadbury cream egg you get that has a bloody malformed cadbury bunny fetus inside

@DadBeard

If pizza places cold called people's homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

@bridger_w

When a cashier thanks you for your purchase, unsettle them by looking deep in their eyes and softly saying, "Anything for a friend."

@joshy_beck

The coach section of this flight is just me and 86 babies.

@lianamaeby

I bet I'd be a really great DJ because many musical artists have made good songs.

@Amburglar

Everything I need to know about whether or not cops are allowed to search my car I learned from Jay-Z songs.

@sammontgomery

The worst party I've ever hosted was that one where I played LEN's 'Steal MY Sunshine' on a continuous loop and wouldn't let anyone drink.

@kevinseccia

Every time Guy Fieri forgets to call it "Hotlanta" Chester Cheetah magically appears and removes one flame from his shirt.

@lafix

More women than men received a PhD last year proving that girls are thinkier. I mean more thinky. Thoughtfuller.

Look at my boobs!