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Twitter1 of 20Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Why did my ex Fav my tweet where I announced that I got laid off? Why did you do that, Sharon?!
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Twitter2 of 20God...you are NOT the father *God krumps all over the stage as Mary weeps profusely*
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Twitter3 of 20So you're telling me if I take off my pants and put them on my dog, he still can't enter the aquarium? Welcome to Obama's America.
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Twitter4 of 20Maybe Victoria's Secret is a tapeworm.
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Clik here to view.Twitter5 of 20People get weird about a twin absorbing another twin in the womb but that's really the only acceptable place to do it.
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Clik here to view.Twitter6 of 20The fact that axe handles are made of wood is the ultimate "fuck you" to trees.
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Clik here to view.Twitter7 of 20If swimming is really exercise, then why don't fish have mega muscles. Yeah I thought so. Drain the pool so we can skateboard in it.
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Clik here to view.Twitter8 of 20Beyonce should've named her kid Beytwice.
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Clik here to view.Twitter9 of 20Porn paints an extremely unrealistic picture of how quickly you can get a plumber over to your house.
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Clik here to view.Twitter10 of 20If someone says they're only human, give them a second look. That sure does sound like something a robot would say.
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Clik here to view.Twitter11 of 20Easy Mac is a fast, fun, affordable meal for the kids you don't love.
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Clik here to view.Twitter12 of 20ALRIGHT NOBODY FUCKIN MOVE, HANDS IN THE AIR. READ YOUR BEST TWEETS INTO THIS TAPE RECORDER AND NO ONE GETS HURT.
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Clik here to view.Twitter13 of 20For an international spy, James Bond is pretty terrible at not revealing his identity to every single person he meets.
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Clik here to view.Twitter14 of 20At CVS -
Me: Do you guys sell "Deep Throat tea"?
CVS Lady: Do you mean "Throat Coat tea"?
Me: Yes. Wait. What did I call it?
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Clik here to view.Twitter15 of 20If a chain restaurant waiter asks if you've dined there before, a fun thing to do is shake your head, then shyly comb your hair with a fork.
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Clik here to view.Twitter16 of 20Sir, what you did is so illegal that it loops around and now you're the cop and I'm under arrest. Here's your badge. Welcome to the force.
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Clik here to view.Twitter17 of 20Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses.
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Clik here to view.Twitter18 of 20You gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
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Clik here to view.Twitter19 of 20Girl tell me your fantasy and let me make it happen. You wanna be an astronaut? Ok, girl. Stay in school. Follow your dreams. Do it, girl.
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Clik here to view.Twitter20 of 20Next: Even More Hilarious TweetsIf you a teach a parrot to say "parrot", then is that pretty much the same thing as owning a Pokemon?
