-
Twitter1 of 20
Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Why did my ex Fav my tweet where I announced that I got laid off? Why did you do that, Sharon?!
-
Twitter2 of 20
God...you are NOT the father *God krumps all over the stage as Mary weeps profusely*
-
Twitter3 of 20
So you're telling me if I take off my pants and put them on my dog, he still can't enter the aquarium? Welcome to Obama's America.
-
Twitter4 of 20
Maybe Victoria's Secret is a tapeworm.
-
Twitter5 of 20
People get weird about a twin absorbing another twin in the womb but that's really the only acceptable place to do it.
-
Twitter6 of 20
The fact that axe handles are made of wood is the ultimate "fuck you" to trees.
-
Twitter7 of 20
If swimming is really exercise, then why don't fish have mega muscles. Yeah I thought so. Drain the pool so we can skateboard in it.
-
Twitter8 of 20
Beyonce should've named her kid Beytwice.
-
Twitter9 of 20
Porn paints an extremely unrealistic picture of how quickly you can get a plumber over to your house.
-
Twitter10 of 20
If someone says they're only human, give them a second look. That sure does sound like something a robot would say.
-
Twitter11 of 20
Easy Mac is a fast, fun, affordable meal for the kids you don't love.
-
Twitter12 of 20
ALRIGHT NOBODY FUCKIN MOVE, HANDS IN THE AIR. READ YOUR BEST TWEETS INTO THIS TAPE RECORDER AND NO ONE GETS HURT.
-
Twitter13 of 20
For an international spy, James Bond is pretty terrible at not revealing his identity to every single person he meets.
-
Twitter14 of 20
At CVS -
Me: Do you guys sell "Deep Throat tea"?
CVS Lady: Do you mean "Throat Coat tea"?
Me: Yes. Wait. What did I call it?
-
Twitter15 of 20
If a chain restaurant waiter asks if you've dined there before, a fun thing to do is shake your head, then shyly comb your hair with a fork.
-
Twitter16 of 20
Sir, what you did is so illegal that it loops around and now you're the cop and I'm under arrest. Here's your badge. Welcome to the force.
-
Twitter17 of 20
Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses.
-
Twitter18 of 20
You gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
-
Twitter19 of 20
Girl tell me your fantasy and let me make it happen. You wanna be an astronaut? Ok, girl. Stay in school. Follow your dreams. Do it, girl.
-
Twitter20 of 20Next: Even More Hilarious Tweets
If you a teach a parrot to say "parrot", then is that pretty much the same thing as owning a Pokemon?