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Twitter1 of 20
Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter, and check out his bestselling comedy album, "Grape Stomp," on iTunes.
MISSING: SUPER ADORABLE PUPPY. WILL COME IF YOU PLAY WU-TANG HELLA LOUD. THIS IS NOT A PLOY TO GET THE NEIGHBORHOOD BUMPIN', THE DOG IS REAL
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Twitter2 of 20
*hugs girlfriend gets on one knee* Honey, would you *points up, fireworks spell out "LIKE A FREE IPAD?" she looks down and I'm holding a survey*
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Twitter3 of 20
Where my girls at?? Seriously, they are 2 and 4 years old, have you seen them?
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Twitter4 of 20
"This doughnut is gonna go straight to my thighs," I said as I smashed it and smeared the custard on my legs, without breaking eye contact
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Twitter5 of 20
KANYE PULLS BIBLE AND THE BOOKSHELF SWIVELS, REVEALING A SECRET ROOM WHERE HE KEEPS HIS AUTOGRAPHED BIBLES. 1000s OF EM. AUTOGRAPHED BY KANYE.
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Twitter6 of 20
I've spent the last 20 years reinventing the cat. Here at last, the fruits of my labor *unveils a hissing cat with 43 iPhones taped to it*
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Twitter7 of 20
Sext: I give you the Heimlich maneuver when you don't even need the Heimlich maneuver. A grape pops out of you that you never even ate.
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Twitter8 of 20
*sifts dirt in hand* "There was a warped tour here..long ago." - The Wise Teen
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Twitter9 of 20
Next time you're swallowed by a whale stand up through the blowhole like it's a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun.
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Twitter10 of 20
At what point making Forrest Gump, a film about a slow kid whose friend is molested by her father, did someone suggest a spinoff restaurant?
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Twitter11 of 20
Fun Fact: Golden Corral is a restaurant AND the name for when six guys piss on your chest
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Twitter12 of 20
"Are we there yet?" "Ha ha! Yes, kids. We've been here the whole time! We live in this car now."
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Twitter13 of 20
Been trying to order lunch for 4 hours. First I had to pick a place and then I had to make sure it also believes all the things I do.
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Twitter14 of 20
Just had to talk to my son about masturbating. Told him it's totally natural and he needs to knock before he comes into my room from now on.
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Twitter15 of 20
Does anybody know the expiration on whoop-ass? I opened a can last week and I'm not sure if it's still good.
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Twitter16 of 20
Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of "Didn't Make Me Any Cookies Weekly" again. "What good is she to anyone?" it says.
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Twitter17 of 20
I love nachos. I wish more foods simulated digging through the garbage.
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Twitter18 of 20
.@tjmaxx big time Maxxhead here! One of your biggest fans. I manage multiple TJ Maxx forums and participate actively in the TJ Maxx lifestyle.
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Twitter19 of 20
Wait unicorns aren't real? Are you saying I SUCKED OFF A REGULAR HORSE???
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Twitter20 of 20Next: Last Week's Most Hilarious Tweets
"Aaand the blonde lady's comforting herself with her fingers, bein; her own husband for a spell." - Old prospector narrates porn for the blind
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