Getting ready in the morning can be such a pain in the ass. Not to mention, it really cuts into your sleep time. So, if you're like me and want to have more time to sleep in the morning without any of the "what should I wear to work today?" nonsense, just stick to these 15 steps. Trust me, I do this same exact thing every morning. It works wonders.
1. Scan your closet for any clean shirts.
Feel free to skip this step, as there will be no clean shirts.
2. Check dirty shirts in hamper for any without stains.
This is probably a lost cause, but it's always worth a shot.
3. Miraculously find a single shirt with no stains.
Play the lottery later because today seems to be your lucky day.
4. Give selected shirt the sniff test.
You know from past experiences that this is probably a bad idea.
5. Gag from the smell.
Told you.
6. Weigh the pros and cons between wearing a shirt that smells or a shirt with noticeable stains.
You can cover a stain with all sorts of awkward arm placements, but you won't be able to mask the funk of a shirt that's been sitting at the bottom of your hamper for 3 weeks, pal.
7. Decide "stains" is the way to go.
8. Choose between a shirt with a couple of coffee stains or one with some splashes of dinner from a few nights ago.
It's a tough call, but there's something incredibly unsophisticated about spaghetti sauce on your shirt, whereas coffee stains...well, that just screams go getter.
9. Realize you're probably just gonna spill coffee on yourself again and as long as you try to hit the same exact spots on the shirt, you should be good wearing that one.
You'll find that the day is much more enjoyable when you really don't care if you spill anything else on your shirt. It's like being a fucking toddler again.
10. Put the shirt on.
11. Realize you forgot to put deodorant on (and also probably could've skipped this step if you'd just gone with the smelly shirt).
12. Take the shirt off.
Now that your shirt's off again, you'll probably want to spend some extra time flexing your doughy body in the mirror. So make sure you plan for these extra few moments in advance.
13. Put deodorant on, followed by the shirt.
Please do it in this order exactly. Otherwise, The White Stripes won't just be your favorite band, it'll be your new nickname.
14. Pair your shirt choice with the same pair of pants you've worn every day for the past 3 weeks.
Isn't it amazing that pants never ever have to be washed ever?
15. Head to work where everyone is too busy caring about themselves to even notice you or your clothes.
