This Week's 20 Inappropriately Hilarious Tweets

@Kendragarden

You should never apologize for your friend's behavior. Especially if your friend is me and I only wanted to touch that girl's hair for a sec.

@EliTerry

Tiny little rows of BONE visible from a hole in your HEAD that you have to polish EVERY SINGLE DAY. No. Go to hell, teeth.

@smelbz

Those mornings you're just proud of yourself for not sitting down in the shower.

@joeveix

Any restaurant is all you can eat if you bring a gun.

@TomHanksIsHot

If I ever kill someone I'm dumping the body in a cemetery. Police will find it and be like "oh yeah this makes sense."

@Ahm76

Doing this weight loss plan where I swallow one of those growing dinosaurs, it expands in my tummy and NO SNACKS CAN FIT CAUSE OF THE DINO.

@SecretKickoff

I hope that fat guy didn't notice me glancing at the weight limit sign on the elevator just now. Or clearing my throat and pointing at it.

@TheSofiya

Prom tip: DON'T HAVE A BABY

@EliBraden

She sells seashells WHERE? By the seashore?? Pretty fucking horrible business plan IMHO.

@IamEnidColeslaw

If someone catches you staring blankly into space and asks you what you're looking at, shush them and whisper "ghost porn."

@Amaya_Teresa

Is it rude to make the jerk off motion while you're jerking someone off with the other hand?

@iamnotdiddy

"Sir, unfortunately, 'having a mullet' is not tax deductible...Yes, sir, even if it is solely used for business in the front."

@UNTRESOR

If you cut off a mommy blogger's head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

@MichaelTKennedy

Saying "Prove it" to a drunk person will result in awesomeness.

@nanoblossom

I THINK I HAVE HAD ENOUGH NYQUIL NOW TO MAKE GOOD DECISIONS ABOUT TEXTING MY EXES TO BLAME THEM FOR THE WEATHER

@patrickmarkryan

Forget the melting polar ice caps, the most devastating element of the future will surely be how many grandmas have tramp stamps.

@LouisPeitzman

Not dating because you're afraid of getting hurt is like not buying a puppy because it'll die someday: entirely logical.

@jessefederman

The best way to end a bad date is to crash your car and launch yourself through the windshield into a cooler car where your mom's waiting.