Follow @robfee on Twitter.
What if the Ant eaters go extinct? Will I have to eat all the ants? I don't even like ants Someone please answer me I could maybe eat 1?
- Le Bear Girdle (@LeBearGirdle) May 31, 2015
Sometimes people fall in love, and sometimes [sound of garbage truck driving past]
- moody monday (@mdob11) November 3, 2015
just asked a cashier at the airport for "eye muffs" because I couldn't think of the term "sleeping mask"
- keith buckley (@deathoftheparty) November 5, 2015
I highly suggest doing a dramatic reading of The Game's Instagram hashtags to your loved one pic.twitter.com/A9e8oimWhv
- Gabriella Paiella (@GMPaiella) November 4, 2015
[enter password] ilovedogs [password must contain at least one special character] iloveAirBud
- joegarbe (@gojarbe) February 28, 2015
DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here [earlier that morning] ME: *trying to get up for work*
- Online Hippo (@InternetHippo) September 2, 2015
doctor: are u sexually active james bond: haha doctor: haha james bond: haha doctor: lol but for real u have 14 STDs 3 of which are fatal
- EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) November 7, 2015
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, "Are you still holding the ladder?".
- d i v e r s i o n (@Diversion50) July 25, 2014
Wednesday inspiration for you pic.twitter.com/3Yo6FFqkUl
- Aaron Chewning (@AaronChewning) November 4, 2015
Remember when you'd be staying at a friend's house & you'd wake up before them & wouldn't know what to do? That's how my whole life feels
- Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) October 27, 2015
"Hi, I'm Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it."
- Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) November 4, 2015
Me: It's cold outside. Them: It's not cold outside. Not compared to the place i lived which was colder, which I'm about to elaborate on.
- shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) December 8, 2014
Sorry I never contacted you, both my hands fell off right after we last talked and they just grew back today
- audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) November 7, 2015
Like a good neighbor State Farm and I haven't ever spoken.
- Boo-rian Doyle (@WritePlay) February 16, 2015
me: how much per hour? babysitter: $15 me: okay here's $2.37 million see you in 18 years
- Timmy[TM] (@TheTimmyToes) September 4, 2015
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
- tchrquotes (@tchrquotes) October 29, 2015
"Are you crying?" - Uber drivers
- Brandon Vaughn (@Brandamonium) February 19, 2015
*Paranormal Factivity* [I walk into my bathroom] "OH MY GOD" ['WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS' is written in blood on the mirror]
- Le Bear Girdle (@LeBearGirdle) October 24, 2015
I wish the Tooth Fairy could just PayPal my kid money so I wouldn't have to go out for cash.
- Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) November 3, 2015
[A Dad about to give the birds & the bees talk] "Son, when-" *Watches son try to poke a Capri Sun for 35 minutes* "Know what, we're good"
- damnit, Ty (@SuperTeeWhy) September 28, 2015
Want more? Check out last week's hilarious tweets.