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Twitter1 of 20
Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
New guy at Starbucks dotted the "i" in Erica with a heart on my cup. Marriage proposal, right? Or he's gay. Or a playa. Dickbag. Hate him already.
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Twitter2 of 20
Dear Some Dudes: it's not cute to call a girl "feisty." It sounds like you're trying to skin her and she won't hold still.
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Twitter3 of 20
Rush Limbaugh is what's created when the formula that made Swamp Thing is instead poured over YouTube comments and a glazed ham.
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Twitter4 of 20
I can unhook a woman's bra with just one hand and a pair of scissors.
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Twitter5 of 20
Hitler ruined the only kind of mustache I think I can grow.
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Twitter6 of 20
I always get Gatorade and gasoline confused. My car is real good at sports and I'm dead.
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Twitter7 of 20
I just said Beetlejuice 3 times and Winona Ryder appeared and ran off with my purse.
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Twitter8 of 20
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Twitter9 of 20
I keep my friends close, but I keep my enemy's toaster....seriously, not giving that shit back.
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Twitter10 of 20
It's smart how Freddy Krueger never attacked a community college. He knew he couldn't hurt or kill people whose dreams have already died.
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Twitter11 of 20
Just found out my brother knocked up my wife. Looks like I'm gonna be an uncle!
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Twitter12 of 20
Anyone know of a good dildo store near your mom's house?
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Twitter13 of 20
How dare Netflix charge more than $10 for EVERY MOVIE IN THE WORLD.
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Twitter14 of 20
When I was your age, there was no Wikipedia. We had to rely on men with beards.
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Twitter15 of 20
YO ALLIYAH DON'T FILL UP ON ALL DAT BREAD GIRL...GOT A BIG MEAL WHEN WE LAND. Really makes ya think. Eat the bread everyone. Namaste.
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Twitter16 of 20
Relationships are like a seesaw. If one of you gets too bored or too fat, the fun's over.
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Twitter17 of 20
Pretty cool that Sarah Connor saved mankind by raw-dogging a total stranger claiming to be a time traveler at the height of the AIDS scare.
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Twitter18 of 20
kick flip thru the gates of heaven. stick the landing. yes. but god knows you have "land all tricks" cheat. go straight to hell.
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Twitter19 of 20
Doesn't matter how old you are; if a toddler hands you a phone, you answer that shit. And then pretend it's someone calling you to kill him.
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Twitter20 of 20Next: Even More Hilarious Tweets
I hate when people think I'm shy and don't realize I hate them.