This Week's Most Inappropriately Hilarious Tweets

@jasonmgood

"whichever way takes the longest" -- how a child chooses to get out of the car

@Travon

Just whispered to a 6-year-old, "I can eat cookies whenever the fuck I want" when his mom wasn't looking. Small victories in life.

@charstarlene

I hate when I read a fashion blog and it's like, "This jumpsuit is such a steal! Only $129!" I'm like, fuck you, I had BBQ chips for dinner.

@DeuceRadio

Think about the kind of weird that likes big butts and DOES lie about it.

@TheBosha

Vegetarians maliciously starve animals by competing with them for the same food.

@thepatrickwalsh

As a boy, I could have fun for days building a Lego castle. Now I can only orgasm if a homeless man watches.

@yoyoha

"In this same office, firing you." - Best answer to the "where do you see yourself in 10 years?' job interview question.

@BoobsRadley

If you teach sex ed, it's good to tell kids the feelings they're having are normal, but funnier to single one out and mouth "Except yours."

@UncleDynamite

Flatten your tongue over your lower lip. Now make a cry-face. Hold the pose and laugh. Congratulations! You are now Robert De Niro.

@JerryThomas

I wish I had three hands so that I could flip people off inside of air quotes.

@kramediggles

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is watch the one you love call the police because you're outside of their window with binoculars again.

@TurboGrandma

I'm so indie I saw a band by myself in a basement one time, and then killed them so I'd be the only one who knew about them.

@AmberTozer

I'm so sorry you died I thought this was a water gun.

@peachgrenade

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached to our bed.

@JoeyPositivity

You know when you accidentally dump too much creamer in your coffee and little clumps of it float around like that couple you let drown once?

@brendohare

Hello. I'm the guy who sleepeats thousands of spiders every year and screws up the average for everyone. Sorry for scaring you.

@shanethevein

Do you want to know Victoria's Secret? Their lingerie doesn't look the same on your wife as it does on their models. BIG secret!

@FlyoverJoel

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.