Timeline of a Drunk Taxi Ride Home
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Today's Funniest Photos 11-22-13
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This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets
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20 Cats Taking Awesome Selfies
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Rob Ford and Chris Farley Are a Match Made in Heaven
A few days ago, this mashup of Chris Farley movie clips with real-life clips of Toronto's crack-smoking mayor Rob Ford started going around, and the comparisons are hilarious. Now, it has been taken to the next level with a fake movie trailer for "Rob Ford: The Movie," which uses Farley clips from "Black Sheep," "Tommy Boy," "Beverly Hills Ninja" and "Dirty Work" to tell the story of Ford's rise to power. Both are equally awesome. See the trailer below.
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This Tornado Footage From Washington, Ill., Is Like a Horror Movie
Warning: The video above is horrifying. There is understandably some NSFW language as footage was shot by Marc Wells as a tornado approached, and then destroyed his house in a matter of seconds. Sadly, many homes were destroyed or damaged by tornadoes in and around Washington, Ill., this past Sunday. Six deaths have been reported. It's another reminder of how dangerous Mother Nature can be.
If you'd like to donate to help victims of the recent Illinois storms, there are three ways to do it: Online by visiting www.redcross.org, calling 1-800-RED CROSS, or texting the word REDCROSS to 90999 to make a $10 donation. Be sure to specify Illinois Tornadoes and Storms when making donations.
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The Best Holiday-Themed Grocery Store Soda Displays
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The 10 Craziest Game Show Contestants Ever
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The Most Bizarre Gaming Accessories Ever
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The Wild and Crazy People Of Walmart
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The Worst Brand Knockoff Attempts of All Time
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Today's Funniest Photos 11-25-13
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Kanye and Kim Get Spoofed by Franco and Rogen
If you haven't seen Kanye West's music video for "Bound 2" yet, you've at least heard about it. That's because it features Kanye on a motorcycle, a topless Kim Kardashian, and a Windows 98 screensaver element that nobody really understands. But who cares about all that. James Franco and Seth Rogen did a shot-for-shot remake of it that has taken over the Internet -- and rightfully so. It's spot-on, with the faces and gestures the two make being hilariously perfect. Oh, and Rogen has some incredible shoulder hair.
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What's the Story Morning Coffee Glory?
Few things in this world offer the same satisfaction as a warm cup of freshly dripped glory in the morning, but do you know exactly what's in the coffee and tea you drink to awaken those weary eyes and that brain-dead head? Have a fresh peek and see if you like what's happening with your morning coffee and tea.
![Coffee in white cup and saucer]()
Serving 40 million people a week from 17,000 stores with twice as many employees as the country of Greenland, it's safe to say Starbucks is the most common coffee consumption of mankind. It's no grand revelation to look and see a Starbucks shop 20 feet in front of you, let alone another one in pissing distance, but that doesn't mean the McDonalds of the coffee consuming industry is the best way to go about your mornings.
Just to give an idea, a 16-ounce "grande" (just say large, a-holes) has four times the caffeine of one Red Bull. Considering that yellowy gasoline-like substance burns acidic holes in the ground, four times that on a morning wake-up routine seems a bit much, especially for the diseased heavy coffee drinker who has multiple cups.
Franchise coffee companies are so consumed with upping the tolerance of everyday coffee lovers into caffeine-addicted junkies with the dependency of a bridge-dwelling meth enthusiast. Upon reading this, it might seem a little harsh, a little biased, but the fact that Starbucks has a hidden short size cup on hand that doesn't appear on the menu speaks volumes to their interest in serving up as much over-cooked ounces of burnt beans as humanly conceivable. Although this jet fuel comes in a "kid's size" - hopefully they're not allowed to sell to kids - it's definitely a healthy alternative for people to slow their caffeine roll and work their way down a few cup sizes. There's also the option of finding energy through natural forms like a good night's rest and exercise.
If you're still convinced these caffeine-spilling monopolies have your best at heart, consider that their largest size, "trenta," is 31 ounces of pure black filth, which is physically larger than the average stomach's capacity. That might explain the 31 bathroom breaks. Add to that the sugar and milk, both of which speed up the bowel-loosening process, it takes to make this coffee drinkable and you see where we're going with this. If they're literally giving you more than your body can handle, how can that be a healthy routine for your fragile self?
A healthier, cheaper alternative to this cracked-out caffeinated lifestyle is to support your local coffee shop, buying whole beans in bulk and saving hundreds of dollars while receiving a sensible dose of caffeine in a delicious, full-flavored cup and helping your community's small businesses. It makes sense.
Another healthy alternative altogether is the magical elixir of nature known as tea, a substance notorious for its cancer-fighting properties and nerve-calming abilities packed with anti-oxidants for hydration, plus it's pure heaven in a cup. In addition, black tea - the most caffeinated of the tea types - has about an eighth the caffeine of a cup of franchise coffee (320+ milligrams), and best of all, it's affordable, costing pennies on the cup when it's purchased in bulk.
But just because you're smart enough to drink tea doesn't mean you're the perfect image of health. Most commonly drank teas - like Lipton - are mass produced pouches consisting of tea fannings, dusty low quality leaves that provi![Man in a coffee shop]()
de a poor taste in comparison to large, fresh loose leaves. Lipton was spotted serving tea bags in China that were reportedly laced with toxic pesticide residue, but that's a risk you take when dealing with large corporations.
It's understandable that people want their tea and they want it fast since we live in fast food friendly, gimme-it-now world of 30-second steeps, but if you're looking for a quality cup that has full flavor and stronger medicinal properties, you'll find a good loose leaf from your local tea shops instead of buying bulk bags at the cheapest price you can find. Just tell these highly trained people what you want in a tea, and they'll set you up with a little concoction that might just rock your world.
Green teas, oolongs (brown) and jasmine tea are all in that middle ground of tea types that offer a small dose of caffeine - less than black - that are noteworthy in hydrating and detoxifying your polluted, congested hellhole of a body.
If you're looking for the energy of a caffeinated drink without ingesting any caffeine, there are healthy alternatives found in the tea community, like ginseng and hibiscus flowers, significant in providing that much-desired morning kick while reducing poor health conditions like high blood pressure and high cholesterol. You can get out of caffeine altogether and still have a reasonable amount of energy without the crash of a sugar-filled cup of burnt coffee, an evil potion that turns people into superheroes just before it turns them into droopy-eyed shells of men asleep under their desks.
Drink what you will, even your own urine if you like (apparently it has some medicinal quality for survival), but know that following the long line to the pastry counter of an overcrowded coffee franchise isn't the same as making your own from the peace and quiet of your own home. Plus, franchise coffee makes you poop yourself in that unpleasant way nobody likes to talk about.
Serving 40 million people a week from 17,000 stores with twice as many employees as the country of Greenland, it's safe to say Starbucks is the most common coffee consumption of mankind. It's no grand revelation to look and see a Starbucks shop 20 feet in front of you, let alone another one in pissing distance, but that doesn't mean the McDonalds of the coffee consuming industry is the best way to go about your mornings.
Just to give an idea, a 16-ounce "grande" (just say large, a-holes) has four times the caffeine of one Red Bull. Considering that yellowy gasoline-like substance burns acidic holes in the ground, four times that on a morning wake-up routine seems a bit much, especially for the diseased heavy coffee drinker who has multiple cups.
Franchise coffee companies are so consumed with upping the tolerance of everyday coffee lovers into caffeine-addicted junkies with the dependency of a bridge-dwelling meth enthusiast. Upon reading this, it might seem a little harsh, a little biased, but the fact that Starbucks has a hidden short size cup on hand that doesn't appear on the menu speaks volumes to their interest in serving up as much over-cooked ounces of burnt beans as humanly conceivable. Although this jet fuel comes in a "kid's size" - hopefully they're not allowed to sell to kids - it's definitely a healthy alternative for people to slow their caffeine roll and work their way down a few cup sizes. There's also the option of finding energy through natural forms like a good night's rest and exercise.
If you're still convinced these caffeine-spilling monopolies have your best at heart, consider that their largest size, "trenta," is 31 ounces of pure black filth, which is physically larger than the average stomach's capacity. That might explain the 31 bathroom breaks. Add to that the sugar and milk, both of which speed up the bowel-loosening process, it takes to make this coffee drinkable and you see where we're going with this. If they're literally giving you more than your body can handle, how can that be a healthy routine for your fragile self?
A healthier, cheaper alternative to this cracked-out caffeinated lifestyle is to support your local coffee shop, buying whole beans in bulk and saving hundreds of dollars while receiving a sensible dose of caffeine in a delicious, full-flavored cup and helping your community's small businesses. It makes sense.
Another healthy alternative altogether is the magical elixir of nature known as tea, a substance notorious for its cancer-fighting properties and nerve-calming abilities packed with anti-oxidants for hydration, plus it's pure heaven in a cup. In addition, black tea - the most caffeinated of the tea types - has about an eighth the caffeine of a cup of franchise coffee (320+ milligrams), and best of all, it's affordable, costing pennies on the cup when it's purchased in bulk.
But just because you're smart enough to drink tea doesn't mean you're the perfect image of health. Most commonly drank teas - like Lipton - are mass produced pouches consisting of tea fannings, dusty low quality leaves that provi
de a poor taste in comparison to large, fresh loose leaves. Lipton was spotted serving tea bags in China that were reportedly laced with toxic pesticide residue, but that's a risk you take when dealing with large corporations.It's understandable that people want their tea and they want it fast since we live in fast food friendly, gimme-it-now world of 30-second steeps, but if you're looking for a quality cup that has full flavor and stronger medicinal properties, you'll find a good loose leaf from your local tea shops instead of buying bulk bags at the cheapest price you can find. Just tell these highly trained people what you want in a tea, and they'll set you up with a little concoction that might just rock your world.
Green teas, oolongs (brown) and jasmine tea are all in that middle ground of tea types that offer a small dose of caffeine - less than black - that are noteworthy in hydrating and detoxifying your polluted, congested hellhole of a body.
If you're looking for the energy of a caffeinated drink without ingesting any caffeine, there are healthy alternatives found in the tea community, like ginseng and hibiscus flowers, significant in providing that much-desired morning kick while reducing poor health conditions like high blood pressure and high cholesterol. You can get out of caffeine altogether and still have a reasonable amount of energy without the crash of a sugar-filled cup of burnt coffee, an evil potion that turns people into superheroes just before it turns them into droopy-eyed shells of men asleep under their desks.
Drink what you will, even your own urine if you like (apparently it has some medicinal quality for survival), but know that following the long line to the pastry counter of an overcrowded coffee franchise isn't the same as making your own from the peace and quiet of your own home. Plus, franchise coffee makes you poop yourself in that unpleasant way nobody likes to talk about.
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The Don'ts of Hosting Thanksgiving
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Today's Funniest Photos 11-26-13
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Sorry Your Team Lost: NFL Roundup Week 12
Well, week 11 has come and gone. If your team lost, let's take just a moment to examine why this happened and how we can prevent future calamities. It may seem like we're just making fun of them, but it's coming from a place of love. It's constructive criticism.
Atlanta
After getting crushed by the almighty Tampa Bay Buccaneers less than a week before, did anyone think the Falcons had a chance against the Saints? Atlanta is proving this year that a lot of great players don't equal a great team. It's like when your cousin would play you in Madden and he would pick one of the Pro Bowl teams, and then make your team someone terrible. You would still beat him because you knew how to do all the juke moves and hot routes while he just pounded the sprint button over and over. Just admit that you suck and get out of my room, Danny!
Miami
Miami was up 16-6 at halftime and everything looked great for the Tannehill gang. Then at halftime Richie Incognito put a gypsy curse on the team and caused them to fall apart faster than a Don Shula house party that was secretly a front for an orgy. I'm just assuming no one wants to see Don Shula's naked body. The Dolphins had a chance to win it on a last second Hail Mary, but Mike "Hey, at least I'm fast" Wallace let it fall though his buttery hands.
Chicago
The big story from the Bears and Rams game was when Chris Long, of the Rams, got into a scuffle and was pulled out by Kyle Long who, get this, is his brother! This isn't the first time a player has saved his brother from a potentially bad situation. In 1998, Ronde Barber stopped Tiki Barber from getting into a scuffle, which would have been a huge penalty against Tiki. Also in 2009 Peyton Manning helped his brother Eli get his head stuck out of a vending machine after Reggie Wayne had bet Eli $13 he couldn't do it. Peyton eventually had to call the fire department, but Eli kept yelling the whole time, "Haha you owe me $13!"
New York Jets
Can we just stop saying the Jets are a playoff team? They're awful. Sure they have a few nice wins, but you can't be this horribly inconsistent and expect to make a run at the playoffs. When your top player for the day is a runningback with 41 yards, your season is in trouble. By the way, that player was Bilal Powell, whose first name sounds like a character from Street Fighter 2 throwing a fireball.
Houston
The Texans have now lost nine games in a row and now have the worst record in the NFL. They lost to Jacksonville. That's like losing to Glass Joe on Mike Tyson's Punch Out. I know they have some injuries on offense and Andre Johnson has been doing his best Dez Bryant impression as he storms off the field crying, but what about that swarming defense everyone feared coming into the season? That's a cool Biore Strip you have on your nose, JJ Watt. How about you worry about your pores later and maybe lead your team to a win?
Detroit
Tampa has now won three in a row, and Detroit looks as inconsistent as ever. Matt Stafford had four interceptions, while Mike Glennon, who got the job by collecting six proof of purchases from General Mills' cereal boxes, played nearly perfect. His top receiver was, of course, Tiquan Underwood, who you may remember from the House Party movies.
Cleveland
Oh, Cleveland. The Browns got destroyed by the Steelers, which means now we have to listen to every "expert" talk about how the Steelers are right back in contention and are going to be a force down the stretch. They're not a force. They're a sub-500 team and the only reason there's any discussion around them whatsoever is that the bottom part of the AFC is so bad, they're just the least terrible. Josh Gordon broke the Browns record for most receiving yards in a game, which would be amazing if I could name more than two good wide receivers the Browns have ever had.
Kansas City
I love this so much. Every Kansas City fan whined and moaned that the Chiefs weren't getting respect for their victories over the Bills, Browns, Texans, the Milwaukee School for the Blind, Hamilton High School's Junior Varsity Team, and the Third Shift Crew from the Burger King on 8th Street. Look what happens when they play a halfway decent team; they lose. It's not that the Chiefs are a bad team, they're just not as good as everyone was trying to make them out to be. Remember that dominant defense everyone was bragging about? They had more points put on them this week than Jerome Simpsons' driving record. Good luck next week against Denver.
Oakland
The Raiders are on their 700th starting quarterback in the last five years, and it's none other than Matt McGloin? Matt McGloin sounds like a terrible prank call name a middle school kid would come up with. "Who is this? Sure pal, I bet it's Matt McGloin. Stop pranking my house or I'll call the police." If you've forgotten, the Raiders also gave away two first round draft picks for Carson Palmer, who is no longer on the team as well as every player's firstborn child for Matt Flynn who was working as a server at Fuddruckers in Lexington, Kentucky before the Packers swooped him up after going through 43 other QBs.
Indianapolis
Are the Cardinals this good or is Indianapolis that bad? It's yet to be seen, but one thing is for sure; Colts' fans will never stop crying about Reggie Wayne being injured. Sure it's a loss, but you have to move on. They're like that pudgy guy sitting at the end of the bar at 3pm in a high school letterman's jacket talking about playing for the district title in 1992 then fingering Monica Davenport after the game in the back of his dad's Ford Explorer. Move on, buddy, you look disgusting and everyone feels sorry for you.
New York Giants
The Cowboys move to 6-5 and finally shut people up on saying the Giants are going to make a run for the playoffs. Every sports show is so desperate to brag about the Jets or the Giants that they come up with these outlandish scenarios where each team is a contender. "Well if Bane from Batman is actually real and blows up the field of 60% of the teams in the league, then the Giants have a real shot at grabbing that last wild card spot. If you're a Giants fan, there's still hope!" Just stop. They've got as much chance as making the playoffs as David Wilson does of getting a front hug from Tom Coughlin.
Denver
Can we talk about something for just a second? Will someone please get Peyton Manning a bigger helmet so he doesn't look like he just exited a birth canal after every game? No other player has those weird red marks on their faces every time they take off their helmets. Is it a budget issue? Is he contractually obligated by Papa John to stuff a slice of Papa John's pizza into his helmet after each quarter? Either way, the Patriots comeback overtime win was huge for all the annoying fans across the country who became the biggest Pats fan after they kept winning championships, and make the Kansas City vs Denver game next week extremely interesting.
Washington
Well this game started out on a weird note, didn't it? Dan Snyder, the owner of the Redskins, thought it would be a good idea to "honor" four Navajo Indian code breakers from World War 2 and it was as awkward as you'd imagine. It felt like when someone makes a racist joke and then says, "It's OK, I have a few black friends!" Once the game started it was basically what you'd expect; RG3 running around like the Benny Hill theme music is playing, as the Redskins lose yet another game.
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Winter is Coming: A Bar Graph About Winter (Not Game of Thrones)
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Unfinished Scripts is One of the Funniest Things on the Internet
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Tracy Morgans Shouts Thanksgiving-y Things on Jimmy Fallon
It starts with turkey but it gets so much better than that, including "my uncle Reggie's brussels sprout farts" and "Native Americans showing up to dinner with no pants on." If this doesn't get you in the mood for a classic Thanksgiving day meal, nothing will.
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