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Alysson Holt Makes a Big Impression

February 19, 2015, 6:55 pm
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British Woman Spent $30,000 to Look Like Pamela Anderson

February 19, 2015, 11:01 pm
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According to the Mirror, a Liverpool woman has dropped over $30,000 in an effort to look like her favorite celebrity Pamela Anderson.

Woman drops $30,000 to look like Pam Anderson, pamela anderson lookalike
Carolyn Anderson has been altering herself since the age of 10 all because her father once said that she looked like Tommy Lee's ex-wife.

"I remember him saying, 'You have the look of Pamela Anderson,' and I was flattered," Carolyn said. "We got all the magazines out and because I already had similar features, I wanted the hair and the clothes to complete the look."

But that was when she was only 10 years old. Since then, she's dropped well over $21,000 on eight boob jobs and has often been injected with a fake tan solution to "maintain her Pamela Anderson look."

Carolyn said she originally went to school to become a lawyer, but by the looks of things, she put her tuition money to much better use.

Woman drops $30,000 to look like Pam Anderson
Woman drops $30,000 to look like Pam Anderson
Woman drops $30,000 to look like Pam Anderson
Woman drops $30,000 to look like Pam Anderson
We'll give Anderson this much: She looks a hell of a lot sexier than this crazy chick: French Model Spends Almost $49,000 to Look Like Sex Doll

 

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5 Oscars Drinks That Could All Win the Award for Best Cocktail

February 19, 2015, 11:04 pm
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On Sunday, last year's best movies will battle it out for the highest honor in film -- the Oscar. While you're watching it all unfold on the 87th Academy Awards, you'd be remiss to be empty-handed. That's why you should mix up any of the five cocktails below for your Oscars parties. All of them are winners.

RED CARPET PUNCH
oscars cocktails
Ingredients:
1 ½ oz. Avión Reposado Tequila
1/4 oz. Lime Juice
1/4 oz. Lemon Juice
1/4 oz. Grenadine
3/4 oz. Simple Syrup
3/4 oz. Pomegranate Juice
1 tsp. All Spice
1 sprig Thyme for garnish

Preparation:
Combine all ingredients into a shaker excluding the all spice. Shake and strain into a glass over ice. Sprinkle all spice on top. Garnish with sprig of thyme.

For more, visit TequilaAvion.com. Price starts at $24.99


HIMALAYAN SPRITZ
oscars cocktails
Ingredients:
1.25 oz. Snow Leopard Vodka
.75 oz. Aperol
.75 oz. Cherry Brandy
.25 oz. Prosecco

Preparation:
Build in a rocks glass filled with cubed ice and stir, then top with Prosecco. Garnish with an orange wheel and cherry. Batch it up in a pitcher for easy Oscars party serving.

For more, visit Snow Leopard Vodka.


THEORY OF TEQUILA
oscars cocktails
Ingredients:
2 oz. Avión Silver
3/4 oz. Jalapeño-Infused Elderflower Liqueur
1/2 oz. Orange Juice
1/4 oz. Lemon Juice
1/2 oz. Lime Juice
3/4 oz. Simple Syrup
3 Sage Leaves
1 Sage Leaf and Salt for garnish

Preparation:
Muddle sage in a shaker. Add all ingredients. Shake. Double strain. Pour over ice in salt-rimmed glass. Garnish with sage leaf.


RED CARPET BRAMBLE
oscars cocktails
Ingredients:
1.25 oz. Tanqueray London Dry
.75 oz. Lemon Juice
.75 oz. Simple Syrup
.25 oz. Crème de Mure

Preparation:
Build all except Mure into crushed ice filled rocks glass. Drizzle Mure around inner rim. Garnish with lemon wedge and blackberry.


FRENCH 75
oscars cocktails
Ingredients:
1.25 oz. Tanqueray No. TEN
.5 oz. Simple Syrup
.5 oz. Lemon Juice
Champagne

Preparation:
Shake and strain first three ingredients into a coupe glass and top with champagne.

For more, visit Tanqueray.com.

 

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Today's Funny Photos

February 19, 2015, 11:25 pm
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The 20 Most Ridiculously Insane Things Jose Canseco Has Ever Posted on Twitter

February 19, 2015, 11:32 pm
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You probably remember Jose Canseco from his decorated baseball career, but did you know he's completely insane on Twitter as well? If he's pulling off some sort of long term, elaborate troll it's completely masterful, but if not, he might need many, many years of help. Here are 20 of the most hilarious and insane things he's ever tweeted.

1. The time he presented us with his own version of Sofie's Choice:

2. When he was given winning lottery numbers from an "alien":

3. He found the positive side of global warming:

4. He cleared up one of mankind's biggest unsolved mysteries:

5. He wouldn't stop calling Alex Rodriguez "bitch tit":

6. He claimed his finger fell off during a poker game then said he was going to sell it online:

7. The time he got pulled over with a goat in the backseat:

8. He wrote a very sweet memorial to the very much alive Al Gore:


9. He designed his own tombstone with a single word:

10. He called out Shaq (and immediately got completely owned):

11. He gave us quite a bit to think about involving space transportation:

12. He proved the existence of alien life forms and how they get around:

13. He said...whatever it is he's trying to say here:

14. He claimed to be a vampire:

15. He offered to be the new host of Meet the Press:

16. We learned that he doesn't enjoy horseback riding:

17. He let us know when humans would become immortal:

18. He claimed to be able to stop the aging process:

19. He tried to barter some memorabilia with anyone who would listen:

20. The time he called a girl a "butter face" in the least subtle way possible:
jose canseco twitter

 

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Ranking the 25 Sexiest Cartoon Women

February 20, 2015, 12:36 am
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Whether it's an old school crush, a princess, a one-eyed alien or just the regular housewife that turns your knob, there is a myriad of sexy cartoon women from TV and film we all wish were real. Unfortunately, for now, we're stuck with real life ladies. But hey, the way things are going, that could all change. Here are the 25 sexiest cartoon dames of all time.

25. Betty Boop, "Dizzy Dishes"
sexiest cartoon women, sexiest cartoons, sexy cartoon girls

24. Wonder Woman, DC Animated Universe
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23. Judy Jetson, "The Jetsons"
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22. Betty Rubble, "The Flintstones"
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21. Leela, "Futurama"
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20. Cheetara, "ThunderCats"
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19. Daphne Blake, "Scooby Doo & The Legend of the Vampire"
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18. Nancy Gribble, "King of the Hill"
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17. Stripperella, "Stipperella"
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16. Princess Jasmine, "Aladdin"
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15. Harley Quinn, "Batman: The Animated Series"
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14. Storm, "X-Men"
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13. (Hello!) Nurse, "Animaniacs"
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12. Marge Simpson, "The Simpsons"
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11. Diane Nguyen, "BoJack Horseman"
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10. Supergirl, "Superman: The Animated Series"
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9. Ariel, "The Little Mermaid"
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8. Esmeralda, "The Hunchback of Notre Dame"
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7. Catwoman, "Batman: The Animated Series"
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6. April O'Neil, "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"
sexiest cartoon women, sexiest cartoons, sexy cartoon girls

5. Poison Ivy, "Batman: The Animated Series"
sexiest cartoon women, sexiest cartoons, sexy cartoon girls

4. Lois Lane, "Superman: The Animated Series"
sexiest cartoon women, sexiest cartoons, sexy cartoon girls

3. Lana Kane, "Archer"
sexiest cartoon women, sexiest cartoons, sexy cartoon girls

2. Jessica Rabbit, "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"
sexiest cartoon women, sexiest cartoons, sexy cartoon girls

1. Lois Griffin, "Family Guy"
sexiest cartoon women, sexiest cartoons, sexy cartoon girls

 

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This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets

February 20, 2015, 12:50 am
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Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.


Follow @robfee on Twitter.


The fun doesn't have to end here. Click the link for even more funny tweets.

 

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22 AirBnB Listings Where You'll Probably Be Murdered

February 20, 2015, 2:50 am
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Renting an AirBnB instead of a hotel is a great way to save money, get more space, and have a little more privacy. It's also apparently a great way for people who live like serial killers to use their murder dens to make a little extra money on the side. I'm not saying someone has definitely died in these rooms, but if you saw one of these places in a horror movie, you'd know that someone is about to get killed off. It doesn't matter how much money you're going to save, don't stay in one of these rooms.


There's a closet I put in here for you, but please don't use it because I'll be in there watching you sleep.


Why would you think I'd be recording you while you're sleeping? Is it because the tripod sitting directly in front of your bed?


Plenty of fresh air!


Keep the picture blurry and that way they won't be able to see the crime scene tape.


This is the type of room where someone goes to write a manifesto.


If you've ever seen a horror movie, you know these stairs lead to a portal into hell.


I'm not sure if this would be scarier around Christmas or in the middle of summer.


I know you said you're a fan of "The Fly," but are you a REALLY big fan?


That sheet will be used to wrap your body then tossed through that window into the abyss of darkness.


You'd be better off sleeping on a park bench.


Nice try, Jason Voorhees.


Free white Nikes and Kool-Aid included in your stay!


There is a 1000% chance there's a mutant or some sort of ancient evil in that closet.


You know exactly what you're getting into if you decide to stay here.


Sorry about the windows. Don't worry, that was just from previous tenants that were murdered.


Call me crazy, but I'm willing to bet there's no wifi.


"Hey honey, you know how you always complain that the mattresses at hotels aren't firm enough?"


Who hasn't wondered what it would be like to be interrogated at Guantanamo Bay?


The walls were white, but blood doesn't come out easily.


Spacious!


Is there a cat wearing sunglasses under that bed or is it a demon?


Everything looks innocent until you notice the saxophone lamp...

 

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Oscars Speech Mad Libs

February 20, 2015, 4:54 am
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They're finally here. After about 37 totally meaningless movie awards ceremonies, the grand-daddy of them all has arrived. The Oscars. The most important, and pretentious, movie night of the year. With all of that self-seriousness packed into one theater, you better believe there are going to be some overly dramatic acceptance speeches. Unfortunately, they are all going to be pretty much the same. Fill in the blanks below and you, too, can thank just about everyone in your life for this very special achievement.

funny oscars speech mad libs

 

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Emily Ratajkowski Poses Fully Nude On Instagram

February 20, 2015, 7:52 am
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Emily Ratajkowski Poses Fully Nude On Instagram, emily ratajkowski nude
Instagram's no nudity policy is a real bummer sometimes, but that doesn't mean there's not a way around it. On February 19th, Emily Ratajkowski -- one of our favorite models of all time -- posted a fully nude shot of herself on Instagram as part of Throwback Thursday (#tbt). Some images are indelible. This is one of them.

More impressive is that she found a loophole in the social media giant's policy against nudity. Ladies (we're looking at you, Chelsea Handler) should take note that this is the way to do it. Check out Emily in her beautiful birthday suit below:

Emily Ratajkowski Poses Fully Nude On Instagram, emily ratajkowski nude
Also check out: The 13 Hottest Carl's Jr. Girls

 

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Cheerleader Nicky Gile Makes Florida Atlantic University Look Even More Attractive

February 20, 2015, 9:43 am
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Oklahoma Woman Tries to Bite Off Boyfriend's Penis

February 22, 2015, 5:58 pm
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You're doing it wrong, honey. Way wrong.

According to KJRH, a Tulsa man woke up early Thursday morning to perhaps the worst thing imaginable: his angry girlfriend trying to bite off his beef whistle.

Oklahoma woman tries to bite off boyfriend's penis
Police said Amber Ellis and her boyfriend were out drinking Wednesday night, and sometime during their walk home, the two began arguing about "how needy Ellis had become." The argument carried over into the couple's apartment, and Ellis eventually made her way to the bedroom and slammed the door behind her.

At that point, the dude made the responsible decision by crashing on the couch, and that's where he woke up a short while later to Ellis chowing on his pork sword. He was briefly able to fight her off, but Ellis still managed to smash his head in with a laptop computer.

Luckily, the man was able to get to the hospital, where he received "several stitches to the base of his penis." Meanwhile, Ellis was arrested and charged with maiming and assault with a dangerous weapon.

It was unclear, however, which was being considered the dangerous weapon -- the laptop or her chompers.

Despite the maiming, there are still way worse people out there doing way worse things to guys' hogs: Chinese Woman Cuts Off Cheating Husband's Penis...Twice

 

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Woman Arrested for Masturbating During 'Fifty Shades of Grey'

February 22, 2015, 6:44 pm
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The S&M drama has taken in over $400 million worldwide, but it appears as though some people are enjoying it more than others.

According to the Daily Mail, a 33-year-old woman at a movie theater in Sinaloa, Mexico was arrested last week when other moviegoers saw her masturbating during a screening of "Fifty Shades of Grey."

Woman arrested for masturbating during Fifty Shades of Grey
Police said the woman had a choice seat in the 12th row, but at some point during the steamy flick, she, well, began flicking her bean. The woman was arrested and charged with public indecency, and she was taken away from the theater in handcuffs, which we'll assume made her even hornier than she already was.

Despite a 73 percent drop in ticket sales after last week's monster opening, "Fifty Shades of Grey" managed to claim the top spot at this weekend's domestic box office with a $23.2 million haul. Analysts predict the movie will close somewhere around $170 million in the US, although no projections were made on how many more ladies will get busted diddling themselves to it.

Hey, who needs a movie theater? Drunk Man Crashes Into Restaurant Then Gets Out and Masturbates

 

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Former WWE Diva Chyna Made a Twerking Video and It's Terrible

February 22, 2015, 7:16 pm
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If you thought her skin flicks were atrocious, wait until you see this.

According to Uproxx, ex-WWE star Chyna apparently still has fans, and some of them asked her to post a video of her twerking.

She shouldn't have.


In case you thought the video couldn't possibly get any less sexy, think again. I'm pretty sure my dad wears those same socks, except they might be smaller. And pay close attention at the 2:22 mark, when she falls on her head and hurts herself. Nice move.

We're not sure which is worse, a makeup-less Chyna's attempt at twerking or her current living conditions. I mean, the place I call home looks better than that, and I'm a blogger.

Now if we can get this diva to post a twerking video, it will probably be worth watching a few hundred times: Former 'WWE Diva Search' Contestant JT Tinney Brings on the Cleavage

 

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Today's Funny Photos

February 22, 2015, 11:35 pm
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The 15 Hottest Comedy Actresses on Television

February 23, 2015, 12:24 am
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13 Funny Camping Photos

February 23, 2015, 12:24 am
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Camping is one of those activities that you either absolutely love or it's not your cup of tea. I happen to fall in the latter group, but I can still appreciate some camping humor. Here are several funny photos that are all pretty campy.

funny camping photos, funny camping pics
funny camping photos, funny camping pics
funny camping photos, funny camping pics
funny camping photos, funny camping pics
funny camping photos, funny camping pics
funny camping photos, funny camping pics
funny camping photos, funny camping pics
funny camping photos, funny camping pics
funny camping photos, funny camping pics
funny camping photos, funny camping pics
funny camping photos, funny camping pics
funny camping photos, funny camping pics
funny camping photos, funny camping pics

 

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2015 Oscars Recap: The Funniest Photos, Tweets and GIFs From the 87th Academy Awards

February 23, 2015, 12:51 am
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Well, another Academy Awards ceremony has come and gone. "Birdman" was the big winner, but in this day and age that is only a small portion of what people are talking about. From outrage over Joan Rivers being left out of the In Memoriam tribute to speculation over what drug Terrence Howard was on, there was a lot more to take in at the 87th Oscars. Like this stuff:

John Travolta creeped everyone out by planting this kiss on Scarlett Johansson.
john travolta groping scarlett johansson

Luckily the Internet was here to quickly pounce and make fun of the most awkward moment of the night with some truly fine Photoshop work.

john travolta kissing scarlett johansson

john travolta kissing scarlett johansson

john travolta kissing scarlett johansson

john travolta kissing scarlett johansson

john travolta kissing scarlett johansson

john travolta kissing scarlett johansson

john travolta kissing scarlett johansson

john travolta kissing scarlett johansson

But Travolta wasn't done there.

john travola creepy, john travolta face touch
Comedian Ben Hoffman declares his big winner of the evening: Neil Patrick Harris' penis.

Everyone was pretty obsessed with Lady Gaga's outfit, specifically those damn gloves.

Director Wes Anderson does everything in his own peculiar way, even clapping.


Terrence Howard got pretty emotional for some reason. We think we know why.
As usual, Meryl Streep stole the show. Wait a minute, that's not Meryl Streep!

There she is, getting fired up about equal rights for women (along with J.Lo).


Jared Leto gets my vote for Best Dressed.
jared leto dumb and dumber

Hey Oprah, we did it! We won for Best Song. High-five...PSYCH!
common leaves oprah hanging

And finally, Will Arnett made an appearance as Batman wearing an actual former Batsuit (Val Kilmer's) for the live performace of "Everything is Awesome." It was actually pretty awesome.
will arnett batman, will arnett everything is awesome

 

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The 10 Best Bands or Artists to Provide an Entire Film Soundtrack

February 23, 2015, 3:39 am
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Music is a very important aspect of life, and that goes doubly for motion picture soundtracks. Without music, certain scenes, moments, and especially montages would risk falling completely flat. The following list of the greatest bands and/or artists to provide the entirety of a movie soundtrack not only nail the tone of their content, but we'd be hard pressed to think of another who would have done it any better...eny bedder...eddie vedder...

Eddie Vedder, "Into the Wild" (2007)
best one band soundtracks, eddie vedder into the wild
Is there an echo in here? Did someone say Eddie Vedder? OK, if you insist. Yes, the Pearl Jam frontman did put together the music for the 2007 Sean Penn directed "Into the Wild." The reason Vedder fit the film so well is simple: previous collaboration and having the material handed to him. Vedder had done songs for Penn's previous films "Dead Man Walking" and "I Am Sam," so the two were already comfortable working together. Furthermore, Penn showed him a rough cut of his movie prior to Vedder writing anything, and when you can visualize the subject matter for the music you are writing, half the battle is already won before it begins.

Daft Punk, "Tron: Legacy" (2010)
best one band soundtracks, daft punk tron legacy
The "Tron: Legacy" soundtrack is a rare case of a film getting overshadowed by its score. But when you hire Daft Punk to do music for you, you almost have to expect that. Regardless of what you thought of the film, or if you saw it at all for that matter, it's hard to deny that the visuals are a perfect pairing with the French electric music duo's style. On top of that, the amount of detail that went into each song is a feat within itself. You can tell that the band worked very closely with director Joseph Kosinski and music supervisor Jason Bentley, and that's why it really stands out in the end. That, and the soundtrack going gold in three countries, of course.

Jack Johnson, "Curious George" (2006)
best one band soundtracks, jack johnson curious george
Speaking of chart-topping soundtracks, let's switch gears to more family friendly fair for a second. Could there have been a better fit than coupling the most unoffensive soft rocker of our time with the most unoffensive children's book turned feature film? You don't even need to answer that, because the album did it for you. Not only was it the first soundtrack to top the charts in three years, but it was the first animated soundtrack to do so in 11 years. If that's not a match made in heaven, then we clearly have no idea what that phrase means.

Phil Collins, "Tarzan" (1999)
best one band soundtracks, phil collins tarzan
While we're on the subject of perfect men for the job, let's talk about Phil Collins composing a Disney film for a second. The ex-Genesis singer turned solo artist can rock, sure, but his true talent is schmaltz, and that's exactly what makes a great Disney song. Sure enough, he wound up knocking it out of the park with his main track "You'll Be In My Heart" (as if there was any doubt he wouldn't), taking home a Grammy and even an Academy Award for his work. He totally deserved it, too. That song will make your eyes well up without even watching the movie.

AC/DC, "Iron Man 2" (2010) and "Maximum Overdrive" (1986)
best one band soundtracks, ac/dc iron man 2
We weren't really sure if this counted as providing an entire soundtrack for a movie since no new AC/DC songs were actually recorded for "Iron Man 2," so we threw in "Maximum Overdrive" (which they at least recorded three new tunes for) to be safe. Not since the "Rocky" theme have a hero and a song gone as good together as Iron Man and "Shoot to Thrill." Yes, you're probably thinking "What about 'Iron Man' by Black Sabbath?" Well, did "Iron Man" by Black Sabbath play Iron Man into his first fight scene in "The Avengers?" No, it did not. "Shoot to Thrill" did. What we're trying to say here is that while perhaps comprising an entire soundtrack of old music may not be especially creative, already established classic tunes will fit the bill much better under the right circumstance. Let's face it, Iron Man charging into battle to new AC/DC songs would have come off tacky, or at the very least disorienting and confusing.

Isaac Hayes, "Shaft" (1971)
best one band soundtracks, isaac hayes shaft
On the flip side of "Iron Man 2," Shaft was a brand new movie hero in need of a funky fresh sound. Who better to provide it than soul man Isaac Hayes? Of course, there is a better reason than that why the score for "Shaft" is as good as it is. Originally, before Hayes knew Richard Roundtree had already been cast in the title role, he planned to use his score as a means to campaign for the role himself. Therefore, he probably worked on it a little harder than he would have if he knew he'd just be composing the theme for someone else. In any case, "Theme from Shaft" still wound up winning him an Academy Award and the soundtrack topped the charts, so clearly everything came together the way it was supposed to.

Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, "The Social Network" (2010)
best one band soundtracks, trent reznor atticus ross the social network
No one composes to the atmosphere quite like Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross. While the two have gone on to do tremendous work on their collaborations for "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" and "Gone Girl," it was their first attempt with "The Social Network" that served as the true test of whether they could hack it for a full film (Note: Reznor had actually attempted to score "One Hour Photo" before this, but the music didn't end up working right for the film). Sure enough, the intense yet reserved style they chose for Fincher's Facebook biography payed off, making it one of the best aspects of the movie (along with Jesse Eisenberg's performance, of course).

Queen, "Flash Gordon" (1980)
best one band soundtracks, queen flash gordon
To be as blunt as possible, Queen could score a turd sitting on a window sill and it would sound amazing. So regardless of what you think of "Flash Gordon," everything Queen produced to score it was too good for it. Having said that, we should also mention that the band recorded several songs for the film "Highlander" six years later, only to have an official soundtrack for the film never be released. However, most of the songs from that film wound up on their album A Kind of Magic anyways, so no harm done. In the end, Queen was still a great fit for both films because it's Queen. Anything they touch is gonna pop, no matter how bad the source material would be without it.

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, "She's the One" (1996)
best one band soundtracks, tom petty and the heartbreakers she's the one
This one's a bit trickier than most "soundtracks," as it was not only the score for Ed Burns' 1996 romantic comedy "She's the One," but simultaneously served as the ninth studio album for Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, as well. As far as the legendary rocker's music is concerned, the album itself is "Petty as she goes" (we can't pass up a good pun) and serves as perfect mood setter for the film. Ultimately, however, considering the band went ahead and just considered it one of their albums along with being a soundtrack is more baffling than anything else. Thank God the dude can jam.

The Beatles, "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" (1978)
best one band soundtracks, the beatles sgt. pepper's lonely hearts club band
We figured we'd throw a curveball in right at the end because, well, frankly it's just fun to do that. And hey, all we said was that this was a list of bands that provided all the songs to a movie, and technically all the artists who sang on this album were covering The Beatles' tunes. We doubt we need to point out why their own music would be the perfect fit for their own movie, but if you didn't like our cheap trick, be sure to let us know in the comments, and tell us any of the other soundtracks done by one band or artist that you felt should have made the cut. We hope you enjoyed yourselves and maybe even learned something new today. Seriously, we'll take anything.

 

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The 11 Worst People In Your Office

February 23, 2015, 5:00 am
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If you work in an office, you hate every one of these people. And if you don't, it means you are one of these people, and that is just a terrible, terrible thing. Here are the worst people in your office.

funny photos office people
The guy who responds to an e-mail with a face-to-face check in
Oh shit. He's coming over here. God damn it. I literally just need him to answer one "Yes" or "No" question so I can put the finishing touches on this month-long project I've been doing for him. (A project he's definitely going to take all the credit for anyway.) Now he's walking over here for clarification on my e-mail. But not really. Instead, he'll spend the next 15 minutes leaning over my cubicle telling me all about his weekend sledding trip with those insufferable twin boys of his. And when he walks away, you better believe I still won't have that "Yes" or "No" answer.

funny photos worst people in the office
The lunch interrupter
For those of us who hate our jobs with a fiery passion and dread every waking moment of weekdays from 9 AM to 5 PM, the lunch hour (or way more frequently these days, half-hour), is our only solace. The lunch interrupter ruins those precious few moments of zen, eating a delicious burrito while reading The Onion, with one of two horrible conversation topics: 1) something about work or 2) something about himself. Both will make you consider intentionally trying to choke and die on whatever you're eating as he walks up to your desk.

funny office photos
The loud phone talker
Look at you! You got a phone call! You're so important! You are aware of how phones work, right? The receiver picks up your voice and transmits it to the person you're talking to through wires. If you're in Los Angeles and talking to someone at the New York offices, you don't have to shout as if they're really 3,000 miles away. And yet, here you are, making the same "Working hard or hardly working?" jokes you make on every conference call for the entire office to hear. Bonus points to you for never noticing everyone within 8 cubicles of you put on their headphones the second you pick up the receiver to dial.

funny photos office
The guy who bursts into your closed door office
If you're important enough to have an office, you hate this guy. This is the man who turns your closed office door into an open door policy. He sees you through the door window hunched over your computer with headphones in your ears and takes that as a sign to knock lightly and ask, "Is now a good time?" This man will never know proper closed-door office etiquette because he will never have an office of his own because everyone powerful enough to promote him hates him.

funny photos work from home
The guy who works remotely
Working from home. Is there any bigger crock of shit in today's professional world? I love when they take 5 hours to respond to one of my e-mails and when they do they start it off with some bullshit like, "Sorry about the delayed response, I was bogged down with calls and meetings." No, you were definitely sitting in your underwear, catching up on 'Peaky Blinders' on Netflix. Come on, man. Get into the office and try to surreptitiously watch Netflix on your computer without getting caught by your boss like the rest of us.

funny office people get paid more
Anyone above you
Let's face it, the people above you in the office are all idiots. You are smarter than them and they probably know it. But that doesn't really matter, does it? Because I bet just this week alone you've been assigned to do three huge projects by someone above you. And I bet all three are annoying tasks that were assigned to you for the sole purpose of taking that responsibility off of the person above you. And I also bet that all three of those tasks will wind up going completely unnoticed by the person who assigned them. They might not even open the email attachment when you submit it. But hey, enjoy working late tonight!

late night emails
The super late at night e-mailer
"Bob, here, just sending this e-mail at 11:13 PM to remind everyone I am an important cog in this company. This e-mail has absolutely nothing of substance in it. But boy oh boy, does it have that time stamp. And that timestamp proves that I am always pouring my heart and soul and mind and body into this job and I should never, ever be laid off. In fact, I probably deserve a raise. Seriously, it's almost tomorrow and I'm still sending work e-mails. The only thing more annoying than this e-mail will be the one I send tomorrow morning at 6:13 AM with an addendum to this one."

funny office lunch photos
The tuna salad eater
I don't really think this one needs much explanation, but let me put it this way: if you are a human and you want to eat something that smells like catfood, maybe you shouldn't do it within three feet of 10 other humans in an enclosed space with no windows and little ventilation.

funny office photos conference call animals
The guy who can't figure out conference calls
"We're just waiting on Neil." Every conference call in the history of conference calls starts 5 minutes late because of this dipshit who can't work a phone. Come on, man. It's not that hard. Dial the number, then dial the extension and press pound. The only silver lining here: when the late caller finally does join the conference call, it's with a loud beep announcing his presence, which almost always results in the call leader asking them to identify themselves in shame for the whole group to hear.

funny office photos reeces pieces
Kitchen guy
Jesus Christ. He's there again? I just want to re-fill my water bottle once in my life without having to get a scene-by-scene summary of last night's 'Better Call Saul' from this strange man who apparently doesn't ever have any work to do even though he spends more time at the office than anyone else here. How does he always know when I'm going to be in here, is he tracking my movements? Does he just work remotely from the kitchen? Does he even really have a job here? Does he only own one shirt? (I'm guessing the answers to those questions are as follows: yes, yes, no, yes.)

funny photos bathroom stall
The guy in the bathroom who has no problem setting up shop in the stall right next to yours even though there are three other open stalls and then finishing up and flushing and exiting right as you do
There is no more awkward eye contact in the world than that eye contact in the mirror as you both wash your hands in silence next to each other.

 

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