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Your Friday Night Summed Up In Two Texts

April 23, 2015, 11:52 pm
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Each week of our lives, we are presented a lesson that we should've learned by now. Yet, for some reason, we never do. You might get smart enough to take a few weeks off here and there, but eventually it's just gonna happen all over again. Let's take a look at how your Friday night usually goes in two very simple, very relatable texts. (Please note the time stamps.)

funny text

 

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Today's Funny Photos

April 24, 2015, 12:23 am
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11 Disturbing Beard Facts You Need to Face

April 24, 2015, 1:51 am
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Ever since the dawn of the hipster, the beard has cycled back through as a popular optional appendage, which we celebrate with weird sporting events. But there are plenty of disturbing beard facts you'll want to know that might make you change your mind about avoiding your razor. Some are interesting. Some are thought-provoking. Some are downright horrifying. Let's take a look.

beard facts, disturbing beard facts
1. Having a beard protects your face from pollution, thus giving you healthy skin and reducing aging. At the same time, there are studies linking the growth of beards with balding on top of the head. Having hair on both the face and scalp causes extra heat, which leaves more readily through the scalp, causing hair loss to compensate for your face.


beard facts, disturbing beard facts
2. If you had a beard during the time of Peter the Great, you had to pay for it. The noblemen who kept their beards had to pay for a medallion, essentially a beard license, 100 rubles per year, which back then was the equivalent of two American dollars. The medallions were inscribed with the words: "The beard is a useless burden."


beard facts, disturbing beard facts
3. Abe Lincoln grew out his beard in the late 1860s because an 11-year-old girl told him his face was too thin. It's a good thing he appreciated honesty.


beard facts, disturbing beard facts
4. Beards have becoming a bacteria breeding ground for parasites such as bed bugs and fleas. Host to dirt and grease, an unkempt beard is said to have more germs than a toilet seat. Even a washed beard has the potential to spread bacterial infections.


beard facts, disturbing beard facts
5. The longest recorded beard belonged to Shamsher Singh of India in 1997 at approximately six feet in length. The longest female beard: 11 inches (in the year 2000). Which is more terrifying?


beard facts, disturbing beard facts
6. According to herbalists, growing out your beard helps prevent throat and lung diseases and respiratory illness. Well how about that? Score one for beards!


beard facts, disturbing beard facts
7. It has been estimated that if you begin shaving regularly at the age of 15 and continue to do so until you're 70, you will have wasted approximately 139 days shaving, which is about four and a half months of your life.


beard facts, disturbing beard facts
8. Research links the length of beard hair with wisdom, saying the longer the beard, the wiser the man (Socrates, Aurelius, Shakespeare). However, disposable razorblades are down more than 20 percent (beginning in late 2013) and we've still yet to recover that missing Malaysian Airlines flight. What gives?!


beard facts, disturbing beard facts
9. Beards are linked to appearing older in age but also a higher expected social status (to no one's surprise). Yet, a majority of women prefer a clean shaven man (or one with just stubble) to a bearded one. Keep that in mind for your Tinder profile.


beard facts, disturbing beard facts
10. Turkish men are feeling pressured to shave their beards to avoid being associated with ISIS.


beard facts, disturbing beard facts
11. "Pogonophobia" is a legitimate term referring to a persistent fear of beards, resulting in symptoms similar to that of a panic attack.

More: What Your Dumb Facial Hair Says About You

 

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This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets

April 24, 2015, 2:50 am
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Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.


Follow @robfee on Twitter.


More very funny tweets can be found right here.

 

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The 10 Greatest One-Man Wrecking Crews In Current Film Franchises

April 24, 2015, 4:50 am
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You can gauge a lot about a culture by their most celebrated badasses. If "over the hill" wasn't exactly the terminology you were hoping for when it comes to the state of our current movie protagonists, then clearly you haven't been paying much attention to the popular trend of reigniting '80s action flicks for the modern audience. While half of this list consists of characters played by actors in their 60s (okay, one is actually 70), we still wouldn't want to go toe-to-toe with the one-man wrecking crews they play onscreen, even if the odds of them breaking a hip in the process are largely in our favor.

The Terminator
greatest one man wrecking crews, the terminator
We're not quite sure what's going on in the newest "Terminator Genisys" trailer, but even though it appears that our favorite T-800 has been around so long that he is literally an old man like the actor who plays him, that only cements his bad-to-the-bone status even more. After all, through five films he's played the same model of cyborg despite numerous upgraded enemies trying to take him out. Sure, he may not technically be a man, but the wrecking crew part fits him like a glove. And from the looks of the young CGI Arnie in the latest film, he'll be back again and again with or without an actual living Schwarzenegger around.

John McClane
greatest one man wrecking crews, john mcclane die hard
The last two "Die Hard" films may have been a little over the top compared to the first three, but regardless of John McClane becoming a bit larger than life since his resurgence, one thing remains the same: you aren't taking him down without a fight. And even then, it's still not going to happen. Whether he's stuck in a confined space or leveling half of Russia, you'd just better pray he's on your side. He may talk a bit too much (often to himself), but that just means he's always going to deliver a great zinger before he blows your ass up. His badass nature knows no bounds. Hell, they've even written a song about it.

Bryan Mills
greatest one man wrecking crews, bryan mills taken
They claim "Tak3n" was the end all to the franchise, but considering Bryan Mills wasn't actually killed off in the end (of course he wasn't), we highly doubt it. After all, Liam Neeson is only 62, making him the youngest one-man wrecking crew on our list thus far. Sadly, the character is simply burdened by a premise that was hard to swallow by a third film. There are only so many people in his life that can be taken from him. Otherwise, what kind of reputation does he really have? Well, besides the kind that can deliver lines like this and actually back them up.

Jason Bourne
greatest one man wrecking crews, jason bourne
Hell hath no fury like a killing machine who can't remember who he is. We know that's not the actual quote, but it applies to Jason Bourne quite well. It's been nearly ten years since we saw him in action, but last year's announcement that he'd be returning to the big screen to give a whole new set of bad guys splitting headaches is one that we couldn't be more excited about. Plus, it totally backs our claim from the previous entry that even when it's said to be the last ride for a famous badass, it never is. But hey, you won't hear us complaining one bit.

007
greatest one man wrecking crews, james bond 007
Otherwise known as "Bond...James Bond," the super spy of many faces has truly stood the test of time. The actors who play him may come and go, but his legacy we seemingly live on forever. While his latest incarnation paints him as a bit more fallible than he's been in the past, it's not as if that makes him any less of a force to be reckoned with. Go up against him and you are still going to die. For that matter, most of the people who side with him still die. But 007 never will, making him a one-man wrecking crew of the strictest sense.

Wolverine
greatest one man wrecking crews, wolverine x-men
When you consider what it actually takes to stop this madman, one-man army might be a more suitable description of the mutant known as Wolverine. While we probably could have filled this entire list with superheroes alone, that wouldn't really be fair considering that most of them work together as a team when the going gets roughest. Yes, we realize that Wolverine is an integral member of the X-Men, but he's still a loner at heart, as evidenced by his two solo films and counting. In those adventures by themselves, he's survived a firing squads, atomic blast, and even performing open heart surgery on himself in the name of living on to kick more ass. It doesn't get much more intimidating than that.

Rama
greatest one man wrecking crews, rama thr raid
If you thought Wolverine was tough, picture someone with no powers at all fighting his way through even worse situations and you have Rama from "The Raid" films. As the lone survivor of both movies, there was no way we were going to exclude him from this list, even though we realize not many people have seen the series. Those who have, however, will most certainly agree that he deserves to be here, especially considering how difficult some of the fight scenes are to stomach as a viewer. Not to mention scenes like this, which literally consist of a solo Rama fighting off dozens of men all by himself. Warning: not for the squeamish.

Machete
greatest one man wrecking crews, machete
Just in case you didn't look it up after reading the intro, "Machete" star Danny Trejo is the 70-year-old actor we were referring to. Let's face it, if you are 70 and still making men pee their pants at the sight of you, of course you are going on this list. In terms of the character himself, it's the ones with nothing to lose who are the most dangerous, and that's Machete in spades. He's so unstoppable that the next time we see him will be in space. How many one-man wrecking crews can say that?

Riddick
greatest one man wrecking crews, riddick
Yeah...we kinda forgot about Riddick in that last write-up. Other than him and Machete, though, we swear there are no more badasses doing their dirty work outside of Earth's atmosphere. It's a damn shame, too, as who wouldn't want to see John McClane ramping a dune buggy into the International Space Station? But we digress. Richard B. Riddick may not be the coolest sounding name on this list, but he's certainly the most ferocious, and even more unkillable. Plus, he has to contend with bad people and freaking aliens, which is certainly a job for more than one man.

John Rambo
greatest one man wrecking crews, john rambo
At the end of the day, there's truly only one way to gauge someone as a one-man wrecking crew: their kill count. While we could have gathered these up for all the guys on this list, we decided to simply save the best for last, as John Rambo's is by far the most amusing. We'll let the data speak for itself, as we're not going to sit and try to persuade you just how dangerous the Vietnam vet is when anyone who's seen even a snippet of his films knows this already. But just in case we haven't hammered home why he's the perfect person to round out our list, know that he will kill again in the near future, and will likely be doing with the help of no one else.

 

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8 Food Facts That Will Totally Creep You Out

April 24, 2015, 6:12 am
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This Food Fact Video Will Creep You Out

If you happen to be eating right now, you might want to pause this and come back after you finish. We all have to eat, but by now we should know that the food production process is not perfect. However, this video highlights eight facts about foods, from chicken to cherries, that go way beyond that. This disturbing food news is sure to creep you out, whether you are a meat-eater or a vegetarian.

 

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This Screaming Ghost Girl on the Subway is a Nightmarish, Pants-Wetting Prank

April 24, 2015, 8:17 am
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It's scary enough to ride on the subway sometimes, so the creators of this prank are really evil to make that experience even worse. I have no idea where this takes place or how they were able to get approval for the prank, but they sure did a great job making it as terrifying as possible. The lights flickering, the doors not opening and the appearance of the ghost girl are all beyond frightening, but man -- that scream. I am getting chills just thinking about it. If this happened to me I would definitely be like the guys at the 5-minute mark cowering in fear under the seats.

 

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Guy Flirts With Girl On Tinder Then Realizes It's His Long-Lost Sister

April 24, 2015, 8:21 am
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Even if your sister is Charlotte McKinney, it's hopefully unlikely that you have ever looked at her and thought, "Man, I would love to hit that."

But according to Cosmopolitan, that's exactly what happened to a 24-year-old Dutch man recently as he was swiping right on Tinder.

Man discovers he's flirting with his sister on Tinder
After a brief time away, Erik de Vries moved back to the Netherlands to study in the country he grew up in with his brother and sister, Josephine Egberts. But his sister moved away in 1999 after their parents had a "nasty breakup," and all of his efforts to unite with her over the past 16 years wound up being futile.

That all changed when de Vries was recently in the mood to chase some tail and logged into Tinder. At the same time, Egberts was looking to hook up with a random dude, and as fate would have it, they right-swiped each other and began to get their flirt on.

"The first time I swiped her profile I had absolutely no idea," de Vries said. "In our first conversation, I was actually flirting with her, so the conversation was very superficial."

Flirting turned into questions about each others' pasts, and Erik suddenly realized both he and Egberts had very similar stories. So after waiting several days to mull it over, Erik decided to ask the right questions to see if Josephine was indeed his sister, and that turned out to be the case.

Although they didn't say it, you have to think they're beyond glad they figured it out before they hooked up. Otherwise, they would have had no choice but to move to Alabama.

This guy cleans house with girls who aren't his sister: This Guy Has Mastered the Art of Picking Up Girls on Tinder

 

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Australian Man Refuses to Take Down His Hay Bale Sculpture of Two Cows Humping

April 24, 2015, 9:03 am
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Bruce Cook insists his sculpture is "just a stack of hay bales," and he's technically right about that. But it's the fact that it's a stack of hay bales made to look like two cows are having sex that has some of his neighbors' panties in a bunch.

According to Metro, Cook was ordered by police to take down the sculpture at his Kerang residence because people found it offensive, but he told them to "piss off."

Australian man refuses to take down sculpture of cows having sex
Cook property is known as Kactus Point Charolais, and he decided to erect the cow plow sesh made from hay bales as a "bit of fun" on Good Friday. But when he was told to take it down, Cook said he "couldn't believe it."

"How could anyone be offended by something that happens out in the paddocks for real every day of the week?" Cook argued. "The sculpture stays."

Cook said that they "picked on the wrong person," and he plans to add lights to the sculpture so people can see it better at night. He also plans on adding calves, which I guess means that calves surrounding their parents while they bump uglies is also something that happens in the paddocks on a regular basis.

This guy wants everybody to know his animals are definitely humping each other: Florida Farm Owner Posts Funny 'Animals Have Sex Outdoors' Sign

 

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Jockey Finishes Race Despite His Pants Falling Down

April 24, 2015, 9:22 am
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Well, here's guy who made a real horse's ass of himself. Buh-dum-tish.

According to Huffington Post, jockey Blake Shinn didn't finish first in a horse race earlier this week. He also didn't finish with his dignity.

Heading into the final turn of the first race at Australia's Canterbury racecourse Thursday afternoon, Shinn's pants gave way and exposed his rear end for all to see.



A few people had some fun with Shinn's mishap on Twitter following the race, and this was our favorite:


Shinn said he could feel his pants go almost as soon as the race started, but he still gave it his all and managed to finish in second place. Who knows? This might become Shinn's signature move from here on out, as the distraction of having to stare at a man's bare ass down the stretch might be too much for the other jockeys to overcome.

Here's a jockey who won't be racing anytime soon: Pennsylvania Horse Jockey Shot After Masturbating on Woman's Porch

 

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Hot Girl At Beach Has Big Surprise For Guys Rubbing Sunscreen On Her

April 24, 2015, 9:28 am
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Hot Girl with Balls! Spring Break 2015

If you're at the beach and a hot chick asks you to rub lotion on her back, you say yes. It's just the right thing to do. However, you should probably take a second to think about why this is happening, because hot girls don't just ask random guys to rub lotion on them. The odds are you are being pranked, or it is an elaborate set-up to rob you. In the case of the video above, it's thankfully just a prank, but a damn good one. The reactions of these guys when they find out this blonde bombshell is packing a little extra than expected in her bikini bottoms is priceless.

 

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Today's Funny Photos

April 27, 2015, 12:23 am
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How To Survive Various Animal Attacks

April 27, 2015, 12:53 am
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You never know when you're going to come face to face with a dangerous animal. So, don't you think it's best to just be prepared to take on any possible type of attacker that could be coming at you? Well, it's a good thing the Internet is looking out for you. Here is a nifty little chart to teach you the best possible way to survive attacks from a variety of terrifying animals.

animal attacks funny, funny animals
(via The Poke)

 

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19 Crazy and Elaborate Prom Proposals

April 27, 2015, 1:27 am
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It's prom season, which means one last hurrah for high school seniors. For many of these same kids, it means one last chance to land a date with their crush. A simple ask won't do the trick, so students must use their high school educations to come up with clever ways to propose to their desired prom dates. Here are some of the best.

crazy prom proposals, funny prom proposals
crazy prom proposals, funny prom proposals
crazy prom proposals, funny prom proposals
crazy prom proposals, funny prom proposals
crazy prom proposals, funny prom proposals
crazy prom proposals, funny prom proposals
crazy prom proposals, funny prom proposals
crazy prom proposals, funny prom proposals
crazy prom proposals, funny prom proposals
crazy prom proposals, funny prom proposals
crazy prom proposals, funny prom proposals
crazy prom proposals, funny prom proposals
crazy prom proposals, funny prom proposals
crazy prom proposals, funny prom proposals
crazy prom proposals, funny prom proposals
crazy prom proposals, funny prom proposals
crazy prom proposals, funny prom proposals

However, these elaborate proposals don't always work out as planned.

crazy prom proposals, funny prom proposals
crazy prom proposals, funny prom proposals
via theCHIVE

 

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This Is Why You Should Always Be Sure To Log Out Of Facebook

April 27, 2015, 1:49 am
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There is a reason you have a password to log into Facebook. You don't want just anyone using your profile to broadcast random messages to everyone you know. Yet, a lot of people somehow forget to log out of their account and they pay dearly for it. Let the following hilarious Facebook hijacks be a lesson to you. Always. Sign. Out. Of. Facebook.

funny facebook, facebook fails, lamebook, always log out of facebook






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(h/t Happy Place)

 

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Young Tourist Flips Off Monkey, Gets Drop Kicked by Monkey

April 27, 2015, 3:24 am
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Dropkick Murphys are one badass band, but even they can't compete with this dropkick monkey.

According to Huffington Post, a security camera in Shimla, India recently captured a monkey drop kicking a young man after he thought it was a brilliant idea to give the monkey the finger.

It was not.

Tourist Gives Monkey the Finger and Receives Instant Karma!

The monkeys in Shimla apparently have a reputation for being bat shit crazy thieves, often times rummaging through bags for food. But some monkeys in the area have taken it to the next level in recent years by stealing wallets and cameras from unsuspecting tourists.

So what's the best way to deter the monkeys from ganking your belongings? You guessed it: Carry a stick.

The Shimla India Guide actually encourages people to rent a stick to ward off these thug monkeys. Without one, people should "expect to have pockets and bags rummaged through no less intensely than by a human criminal."

Luckily for this kid, the only thing the monkey stole from him was his pride.

Not giving a primate the middle finger is a good start: How to Survive Various Animal Attacks

 

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23 of the Dumbest Things People Have Actually Written On Their Resume

April 27, 2015, 3:50 am
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Searching for a job can be a grueling, time-consuming task, but it definitely doesn't help to have a bad resume. A Reddit thread asked employers and job interviewers to share the most ridiculous and absurd things they've actually seen written on submitted resumes. Here are some of the most outrageous ones.

funny resume, resume fails

 

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Female Comic Discovers Two-Way Mirror in Bar Bathroom and Owner Says He's Not Getting Rid of It

April 27, 2015, 4:57 am
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two-way mirror in bathroom
Like most people, Chicago comic Tamale Rocks enjoys dropping a deuce by herself instead of having some pervert look on from the other side of a two-way mirror.

But after a recent set at Cigars and Stripes in the Chicago suburb of Berwyn, that is exactly what Rocks found waiting for her in the ladies' room. Well, minus the pervert (this time).


If you think the discovery of the two-way mirror is the most shocking part of the story, think again.

Jezebel's Karyn Polewaczyk decided to give Cigars and Stripes a call to see if they had a comment on the video Rocks posted the YouTube, and boy did they ever.

Owner Ronnie Lottz told Polewaczyk that the mirror had been there since 2001, and it's not going anywhere.

"I will burn this fucking place to the ground before I get rid of that mirror," Lottz said. "Do you know much joy that mirror has brought to us? We're synonymous with Halloween. We do freaky family fun day, and all the kids look in the mirror. This is a fun house, honey, and if you don't like the two-way mirror, go fuck yourself."

So, remember, anytime you get busted with something perverted, just say it's for the kids. Then I guess it's all right.

Add "You have a two-way mirror in your establishment's restroom" to the list: You're a Pervert If...

 

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NBA Player Mashups: Playoff Edition

April 27, 2015, 5:50 am
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British Man With No Penis Says He's Slept With More Than 100 Women

April 27, 2015, 8:00 am
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So then, no, he hasn't.

According to In Touch Weekly, a 39-year-old Stalybridge man claims he has bedded more than 100 women despite the fact that he was born without a penis, and naturally, his story is going to be the subject of a new special on TLC.

man with no penis says he's plowed more than 100 women
Andrew Wardle says he was born with the berries but no twig due to a condition that was the result of being born with a bladder outside of his body. His ectopic bladder was corrected as a young man, but he has lived his entire life without a penis.

But now thanks to scientific advances, Wardle is on the verge of having a "penis that works the same way as any other man's." It will require many surgeries over the next year, but Wardle seems more than ready for it.

"It is difficult to explain to a new girlfriend, but when I have, some have been really nice about it," Wardle said. "But I was punched in the face once when I told a girl. I guess she was angry, as she felt like I had lied, but it's not something you can say right away."

"The Man With No Penis" will air on TLC this June and features several moments of Wardle revealing his secret to unsuspecting women as well as his preparation for his life-changing surgery.

But until that happens, Wardle says he will have to continue pleasing women in every way besides "vaginal penetration."

Related: The Life of a Man's Penis Has Ups and Downs

 

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