15 Innovative Ways Fathers Can Keep Boys From Their Daughters

May 6, 2015, 1:50 am

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It's not easy being a father. I don't have any children myself, because I fear having a daughter, but that's beside the point. If you're a new dad and you're going through pangs of dread thinking about your daughter maturing into a pretty lady, please read the following. It may save your life. Or thousands on therapy.

Subtly hint that you may have a gun.


Buy a T-shirt.


Or design your own.


Give him the Eastwood treatment.


Make way too much eye contact.


Tell him you don't mind going back to jail.


Put bandages on your knuckles the first time you shake hands.


"I'm everywhere."


Make her a weapon to ward off unwanted attention.


Take him "quail hunting."


And when he tells a joke...


Follow Liam Neeson's lead.


Show him your new Ace Hardware purchases.


Show him other things you care about.


If all else fails, set her standards extremely high.

 

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Watch This Woman Crush A Watermelon With Her Boobs

May 6, 2015, 2:07 am

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I guess people are right when they say everyone is good at something. Susan Sykes, appropriately known as Busty Hart, visited E!'s "Botched" doctors in order to show her talents...crushing stuff with her enormous boobs.



Busty Hart's boobs were done in 1990 before silicone was banned, and they weigh 2,000 ccs each. Her girls have made her a truckload of money too, enough to buy an island, while my English degree is currently being used as a bookmark.



Busty not only smashes a soda can, but goes all out and smashes a watermelon with her assets.



Busty later reveals that she paid a visit to the plastic surgeons not for her boobs but to get her stomach tightened. A twist that M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of.

Via E!

 

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Pizza Hut Saves Woman Being Held Hostage By Boyfriend

May 6, 2015, 3:30 am

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Pizza has once again proved itself to be important and vital in one's life as a woman in Florida used the comments section in a Pizza Hut app to alert authorities that her and her children were being held hostage.



The woman, Cheryl Treadway, had been arguing with her boyfriend, Ethan Nickerson, who carried a "large knife," this according to the Highlands County Sheriff's office.

According to the sheriff's office:

"When Ms. Treadway attempted to leave the residence to pick up the children from school, Mr. Nickerson grabbed her and took her cell phone. He then accompanied Ms. Treadway to pick up the children. Upon returning home, Ms. Treadway eventually convinced Mr. Nickerson to let her use the cell phone to order a pizza which is when she sent the message to Pizza Hut. Immediately after the pizza order was placed, Mr. Nickerson took the cell phone back from her."



When the Pizza Hut employees noticed the comment section of the "hand-tossed classic pizza with pepperoni" it read "Please help. Get 911 to me." The employees quickly alerted the authorities to be on the safe side.

When officers arrived to Treadway's home, they convinced Nickerson to stand down and let Treadway and her children go.

No word yet if the pizza ended up being free.

A few things to point out here: you have another reason to love pizza, and another reason to stay the hell away from Florida.

Via Arstechnica

 

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Celebrities In Failed Disguises

May 6, 2015, 3:50 am

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Most folks who aren't celebrities want to be recognized for something, and most celebrities wish they could function like an everyday nobody. The grass may always be greener, but it should never drive some to dress in such ridiculous failed disguises like the ones you're about to witness. From the Great Gatsby himself and Father Focker on down to the lesser loved creeps of the entertainment world, these are the greatest celebrity disguise fails.

Mel Gibson

A man once beloved for his film credits took up the mantle as a spearhead for public racism and caught some unwanted flack. Despite his clear yearning to remain unrecognizable and the number of zeroes in his bank account, the "Patriot" actor manages to pull off one of the worst disguises.

Leonardo DiCaprio

When visiting Italy, the Great Gatsby himself would conceal his identity behind a mask that brought more attention than his usual ball cap and glasses. Not only that, but it clearly made enjoying authentic Italian pizza more difficult than necessary.

Ke$ha

They say wearing a tiger mask when you leave the spa really helps to trap the moisture in your skin and exfoliate. Also, it brings zero unwanted publicity.

Corey Feldman

At the 2014 premiere of "The Ganzfeld Haunting," Feldman dressed in a cheap wig, stuck-on sideburns and a prosthetic face and pretended to be interviewing people. He truly is a lost boy.

Charlie Sheen

During the heavy hype of an outspoken lunatic, Charlie Sheen still had his desired moments of solitude, wrapped in hooded sweatshirts and fake mustaches that would draw zero attention, of course.

Dustin Hoffman

Coming out of a handbag store, the former Captain Hook quickly recycled his shopping bag as an incognito headdress.

Shia LaBeouf

After falling from grace with the "Transformers" trilogy, LaBeouf made attempts to draw attention to himself in new and unique ways. This eventually led him to "Nymphomaniac," a film that scared people away even more.

Mickey Rourke

Prior to revamping his actor career, Rourke went from handsome devil to plastic surgery melting face, and once his role in "The Wrestler" broke, he needed another face to hide his easily noticeable one.

Pete Wentz

1) A douchebag trying to hide his identity would be wise not to disguise himself as another douchebag.


2) We get it, your ex-wife is famous.

Russell Brand

In between filming "Arthur," the actor-comedian turned modern day revolutionary took jaunts about town in costume with little deception.

Gordan Ramsay

If he was planning on flying under the radar, Gordon Ramsay might've asked his mask and makeup talent to make him a little less creepy, thus standing out more than usual.

Spencer Pratt

Pratt wasn't invited to finale party of "The Hills," which led to this, a true mark as to why he'll never be well known again and was unjustly well known to begin with.

Eminem

While promoting his "Relapse" record in London, Eminem took to playing dress-up before hitting the streets. The only way to take the attention off his platinum locks is a mask that places him at the next WWE main event. Despite his best efforts, the bodyguards kind of gave Em away.

Katy Perry

Going for inconspicuous in an international airport might've gone better if the pop singer wore something that would fit through the security check.

 

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Best Stripper and Pole Dancing Fails Compilation

May 6, 2015, 5:14 am

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Perhaps there's a reason people have suggested that pole dancing be an Olympic event. The guys and gals above remind us that pole dancing isn't as easy as it looks, and that you should always make sure the pole is securely bolted to the ground before deciding to do your spins and loop de loops.

 

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12 Things You Should Definitely Cook On A Waffle Iron

May 6, 2015, 5:50 am

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One of the most undervalued items in your kitchen has to be the waffle iron. The name would suggest that it only has one purpose, when in reality, it can be used for oh so much more. Today I'll show you a dozen things that can easily be prepared by someone with little or no cooking experience. Let's get started!

1. Make sure you set your iron on a middle setting so it doesn't get too hot and burn your food, but it also won't take forever to cook. You want that nice, happy medium.


2. First things first, it's called a waffle iron so let's cook a delicious little waffle!


3. In just a few minutes you have a yummy snack ready to be covered in syrup, butter, fruit, or whatever you choose. Let your imagination run wild!


4. What about those leftover french fries from last night? The microwave would leave them soggy and gross and an oven takes way too long. If only there were a solution?


5. Oh wait, there is!


6. In just a few minutes, you'll have scrumptious fries you'd swear were hand delivered by Ronald McDonald himself. Yum!


7. A fun and easy snack is to take a slice of turkey and cheese, roll it up, and devour. But wouldn't it be great if you could have it hot?


8. Roll it up and pop that sucker on the waffle iron for just a minute to get the cheese a little melted and give the turkey a "fresh off the grill" look.


9. Wow! A snack fit for an emperor!


10. Some of my favorite cookies are Yo Dough. I order them by the box way too often. I somehow missed one from Easter and it got a little stale. Should I just toss it in the trash? Of course not!


11. After just a few seconds in the waffle iron that cookie tastes like it just came fresh out of the oven. This thing saves you money because it rescues older food!


12. Who doesn't love Nutella? It's the perfect snack for your cheat day. Be a little naughty. We won't tell anyone! LOL!


13. You can just take a big spoonful and throw it right on the waffle iron. Don't be shy.


14. Now THAT'S what I call HOT CHOCOLATE!


15. Need to entertain? Now you've got a finger food that'll REALLY impress all of your fancy friends. They'll think they're having dessert at a 5 star restaurant!


16. The problem with BBQ chips is that they're never hot enough, right? Well save your time writing those letters to chip manufacturers because now YOU'RE the chip chef!


17. Toss a few on the WI (waffle iron) then cover them in as much hot sauce as you'd like. Now THAT'S a spicy meatball! They're actually chips, but that's an old saying. A waffle iron doesn't turn chips into meatballs. My apologies.



18. Some people ask me if a waffle iron can even make your favorite beverage better. What's my answer?


19. You're darn right it can!


20. I'm no doctor, but I'm almost positive the heat cooks out all the calories. A guilt-free soda that's also delicious AND healthy? Sign me up!


21. Got some extra Girl Scout Cookies from when you were trying to impress that single mom by buying up all of her daughter's cookies, only to find out she "wasn't really looking for anything serious right now?"


22. Turn a late night snack...


23. Into a GREAT night snack!


24. Mashed potatoes are so 2008. The new, hot trend is SMASHED potatoes! And guess what? You can make them yourself!


25. Simply slice up some potatoes and toss them on the waffle iron.


26. Hmm, those look good, but if you want them to be like the kind you see on the Food Network, you have to be willing to put in the extra work.


27. That's why the waffle iron is great for TWICE BAKED smashed potatoes!


28. Is man's best friend pawing at your leg? HAHAHA He doesn't need to go potty. He wants to get in on the cooking action!


29. Why not "toss him a BONE" and let the waffle iron turn his boring old snacks into treats that'll keep him off the streets. Hey that rhymed!


30. Wow is the Prime Minister of a country coming over? Now we know how the other half lives! Mouth watering!


31. Got a hot movie you want to watch tonight?


32. Now it's even hotter! Hace caliente!


33. Dinner AND a movie? I thought we were just going to be friends! LOL!


34. Heck, just throw the whole case on there. You've got the fire department on speed dial, right?


35. Hey who invited Mario Batali over to cook dinner?!


36. Do you have years of built up aggression because nothing you did was ever enough for your dad? Did he lose your college money at the horse track because "a sure thing" once again didn't pan out the way he expected? Does he say he loves you, but you can see in his eyes that he's deeply disappointed you never showed an interest in the family business?


37. Let the waffle iron cook away your anxiety! Is this what you wanted dad?!?!


38. It wouldn't be dad if it weren't soaked in beer, right? How's that, dad? I'm soooo sorry I'm not like my brother Craig who has it all together. MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE CRAIG! HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF THAT? NO. OF COURSE YOU HAVEN'T BECAUSE CRAIG OWNS A PRIUS!


39. WHY DON'T WE JUST LET EVERYTHING BE SOAKED IN BEER? I KNOW YOU WEREN'T SICK THE DAY OF MY HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION SO YOU CAN STOP WITH THAT LIE!


40. And there you have it! With just a little creativity you can turn those mundane meals into FUNdane meals! I don't remember the last time I truly smiled! Enjoy your waffle iron and congrats on being the new, hot chef in town!

 

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A Welsh Farmer Accidentally Created a Massive Hillside Penis

May 6, 2015, 8:11 am

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It's official. Creating huge dicks in nature is funny no matter where you live in the world, regardless of whether you're a farmer in Wales or a middle school student in America.

According to Metro, a farmer in Llandegla recently said the massive 100-foot penis he created on his hillside was done so by accident.

Well, almost.


Llyr Jones said he was cutting heather on the hillside last year when he noticed he had started doing so in the shape of a giant dong. The 35-year-old figured, "What the hell?" and proceeded to finish the job.

None of the locals noticed Jones' huge penis until snow fell in November, but they were surprisingly ecstatic about it. Some have referred to the gigantic cock as "proud" while others have said it finally put their town on the map.

No word on what they'll have to live for once all of the snow melts, though.

Big dicks have been known to cancel football games, too: Penis Graffiti on Michigan High School Field Cancels Four Games

 

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Brianna Lee Pike Will Blow You Away in Sexy Lingerie

May 6, 2015, 8:59 am

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Watch This A**hole Owl Poop on Another Owl

May 6, 2015, 9:26 am

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If owls have testicles, this one has stones the size of grapefruits.

According to The Daily Dot, a pair of Russian owls were recently perched on a roof overlooking their craphole of a country when one of them became so fed up with life that he turned his ass end toward his comrade and relieved himself.

Naturally, it is quite possibly the funniest thing we have ever seen.


We're not sure which part of the video nearly wrecked our shorts more, the fact that an owl turned and crapped on his pal then scurried away, or the recipient who made no effort to get out of the fresh batch of awfulness beneath him while he looked back and forth in utter disbelief.

It would have been much worse if the crapping owl would have been a hippo instead: 18 GIFs Showing What Happens After Eating Taco Bell

 

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Texas High School With No Sex Ed Classes Has Massive Chlamydia Outbreak

May 6, 2015, 10:12 am

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As if you needed one, here's another reason to never set foot in Crane, Texas.

According to MTV News, a high school in Crane sent a letter to parents last week informing them of 20 new cases of chlamydia amongst its student population.


"Crane Independent School District would like to make our parents aware or more aware of a problem that has been identified in our teenagers and young adults of our community," the letter read.

Crane ISD's student handbook says the high school currently "does not offer a curriculum in human sexuality."

It looks like they might want to consider doing something about that. But sadly, Texas law states that if a school decides to offer sex ed classes for their students, they must "emphasize abstinence over all other behaviors."

In a related story, if you just invested in a condom factory in Texas, you might want to "pull out" of that immediately.

Here's a teacher who accidentally gave her students a lesson in sex ed: Teacher Plays Her Homemade Sex Tape For Students

 

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These Rich Kid Snapchats Will Make You Hate Rich Kids

May 7, 2015, 12:00 am

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Sure, the majority of wealthy people are awful individuals, but nothing is worse than a rich kid who enjoys showing everyone just how truly rich they are. These Snapchats will make you hate these type of kids. Even more than you probably already do.

























Via Izismile

 

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Today's Funny Photos

May 7, 2015, 12:23 am

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Everything You Need To Know About Boobs: An Infographic

May 7, 2015, 1:46 am

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What do you know about boobs, other than the fact that you're obsessed with them? When it comes to testing your breast knowledge, it's best to be better than the rest (whether you have them or not). Check out our mammary fact sheet below and see what you know about boobs, big or small, male or female, real or fake, puffy or weirdly inverted.


Sources:
Bustle
Racked
Jezebel
Buzzfeed
Alternet

 

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10 Ways You Could Make A Million Bucks Right Now

May 7, 2015, 1:53 am

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If you're anything like us, you could sure use an extra million dollars. But at our current rate of earning, it'll take approximately seven times our natural lifespan to salt away that much cash. Thankfully, there are many people and organizations in this world who have a cool million to give away. Read on, buddy, and get ready to get rich.

Demonstrate Psychic Powers

Stage magician James Randi has spent a good chunk of his life debunking people who claim to have superhuman powers, and he's so convinced that psychic abilities don't exist that he's put a million dollars on the line. There are strict scientific criteria involved, though, so don't think you can Uri Geller your way into the cash. You need to be able to demonstrate your ability to read minds, find underground water or see through walls with 100 percent accuracy in a controlled environment. He first offered the prize in 1965, so we have a half-century of failure to learn from. (Photo credit: James Randi)


Spin It On 'Wheel Of Fortune'

Game shows typically don't shell out seven figures (except for "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire," but that was kind of the whole gimmick), so it was a little shocking in 2008 when venerable word-guessing show "Wheel of Fortune" added a million-dollar space on the wheel. It's not as simple as getting a lucky spin, though -- to take home the million, you first have to land on the spot (a 1 in 72 chance), solve the puzzle, and advance to the bonus round, where you need to get the million again (a 1 in 24 chance). All that without going bankrupt. Only three people have done it in the show's history, but you could certainly be the fourth. (Photo credit: Victoria Pickering via Flickr CC)

Be The Best Teacher In The World

We all know that educators are woefully underpaid, but when you consider that the absolute best of them stands to take home an extra million dollars, it doesn't seem that bad. The Global Teacher Prize was established in 2014 by the Varkey Foundation to spotlight an exceptional teacher from anywhere in the world who has made a significant contribution to education. 2015's winner was Nancie Atwell, founder of the Center for Teaching and Learning in Edgecomb, Maine. Applications for the 2016 prize will open soon, so if you're not a teacher get off your ass and get in the classroom. (Photo credit: Global Teacher Prize)

Solve This Math Problem

The world of high-level mathematics is a fascinating one, with geniuses crunching numbers at levels you or I couldn't imagine. For some conceptual problems, the desire to see them "solved" is enough that serious money is on the line. The Beal Conjecture states that if Ax + By = Cz, where A, B, C, x, y and z are positive integers and x, y and z are all greater than 2, then A, B and C must have a common prime factor. Does that make sense to you? Can you write a rock-solid mathematical proof that it's always true? If so, you've got a million dollars in your future. (Photo credit: My Math Forum)

Find A Mermaid

There are numerous prizes for proving the existence of mythical creatures, but the one that seems most rewarding is the million bucks offered by the mayor of Kiryat Yam, a northern Israel beach town, for proof that a mermaid swims in the ocean off its shores. Reports of a mermaid started in 2009, with multiple people reporting sightings of a creature that resembled a cross between a dolphin and a little girl around sunset. The mermaid performs a number of fancy swimming tricks before disappearing beneath the waves. Kiryat Yam's town council has $1 million set aside for the first confirmed picture of the mermaid. (Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

Flavor A Potato Chip

You know those ridiculous flavor combinations that Lay's has been trotting out? Did you know the person who comes up with the winning one gets a million bucks? Lost amidst the people coming up with ridiculous, disgusting chip combos is the fact that the grand prize for Do Us A Flavor is a lot of money. The winner of the 2014 competition just put wasabi and ginger together, which is something that anybody who's ever watched Chopped knows works. The 2015 competition has already closed, but odds are good that Lay's will go back to the well in 2016, so start brainstorming flavors now. (Photo credit: Theimpulsivebuy via Flickr CC)

Invent A New Power Inverter

With more and more elements of our lives revolving around technology, squeezing the most out of every drop of electricity is vital. That's why Google has put a million dollars on the line for the person who can re-invent the power inverter. Inverters are a key part of the power grid, transforming the direct current from power lines and batteries into alternating current that makes appliances run. The Little Box Challenge requires you to design a 95% efficient inverter the size of a tablet PC that can handle the load of an average household, and if you can pull that off you pocket the cash. (Photo credit: Activ Solar via Flickr CC)

Bake Something Awesome

Since 1949, the Pillsbury company has been bringing out the best in America's home chefs with the Pillsbury Bake-Off, a yearly challenge that asks you to bring your best recipe made with Pillsbury products to the table. You can use no more than seven ingredients in total, which means you really have to stretch your creativity. Finalists are flown to Nashville, where they cook it live for a panel of experts. The tastiest treat takes home a million dollars in cash. That's pretty damn sweet. (Photo credit: GeneralMilss via Flickr CC)

Catch A 780-Pound Marlin

A million dollars for just one fish? That could buy you a lot of sushi. The Mobile Big Game Fishing Club in Mobile, Alabama is offering a pretty penny for the angler that catches a marlin that breaks the state's size record of 779 pounds. That record was set all the way back in 1989, so it's not like fish that huge get hauled up every day. The amount of muscle it takes to haul in a fish that weighs as much as two Andre the Giants is pretty insane, and you need to catch it during one of the MBGFC's sanctioned tournaments, which cost $200 to enter. (Photo credit: International Fishing News Blogspot)

Explain Human Consciousness

In response to James Randi's million dollar challenge, author Deepak Chopra decided to put a million of his own on the line in the opposite direction. Chopra's challenge promises the cash to anybody who can, in his words, "prove how electrochemical activity in the brain produces the appearance of a three-dimensional world." If you think that sounds like complete gibberish, you're not alone. Science is indeed slowly assembling knowledge of how our sensory information is processed in the brain, but chances are it won't happen in Chopra's lifetime. But you could always prove us wrong and get rich! (Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

 

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The Funniest GIFs of the Week

May 7, 2015, 3:50 am

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Guy Arrested After Posting Bank Robbery On Instagram

May 7, 2015, 4:45 am

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Sure, Instagram is mainly filled with pictures of food, selfies and girls reminding everyone they drink Starbucks, but one idiot used it to post proof of himself robbing a bank. Take a look at this perfect crime:

Dominyk Antonio Alfonseca robbed $150,000 from the TowneBank in Virginia and quickly posted video of himself committing the crime, helping authorities nab him just 22 minutes later. Alfonseca handed the bank teller a note politely asking for the money, which is the reason Alfonseca is very sure he did not rob the bank.

"I don't know how I'm a robber because I asked for it. She could have said no, and I could have left..." the "clever" robber stated.



When asked about the incident, Alfonseca also gave a shout-out to Michelle Obama, Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber. So this is one way to get your own reality show.



No word yet on whether Alfonseca will be able to post his time in jail on Instagram.

Via TheLadBible

 

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British Woman Says a Fun Park Water Jet Severely Injured Her Vagina

May 7, 2015, 5:01 am

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Well, that doesn't sound like very much fun at all.

According to the New York Daily News, a 19-year-old woman says the 250 internal and external stitches she required after a water jet destroyed her vagina at a British theme park five years ago make sex today too painful, and she's now afraid that her boyfriend might leave her or cheat on her because of it.


Shelby Clarke says she also fears that she won't be able to have children after the water jets -- some of which spray water more than 200 feet in the air -- of The Spectacular Dancing Water Fountain at Blackpool Pleasure Beach tore her from "her bottom to her vagina."

The incident was so horrific that a consultant pulled Clarke aside because she thought she had been raped. She was awarded a "five-figure sum" from the theme park, but considering what she had to endure, that sounds about $6 billion short.

Five years after her horrifying day, Clarke says she now has a boyfriend, but sex with him is "painful." The good news? You guessed it: It's nowhere near as painful as a theme park water jet.

This woman would have wrecked more than her lady parts if her gun would have gone off: Tennessee Woman Caught With Loaded Gun in Her Vagina

 

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The 8 Types Of Teachers You Had A Crush On In High School

May 7, 2015, 5:50 am

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High school is a difficult time for everyone. Your hormones turn you into a passenger along for the ride in a body that's going completely nuts and your skin turns from "Smooth" featuring Rob Thomas to "Monster" featuring Jay-Z and Rick Ross. In the middle of this train wreck you're around adult, grown women every day that know as much about you as anyone else, and obviously you're going to develop a bit of a crush on a few of them. Here the 8 types of teachers you definitely had a crush on at some point

1. The One That Barely Seemed Old Enough To Be A Teacher

We all had that one teacher that you could've sworn was a student that decided she'd just stand in front of the class and see if she could get away with pretending to work there. Usually she was really sweet, but also sort of dumb? Guys would say flirty or even inappropriate things to her and she would just laugh with a vacant, confused look on her face and say something like, "Haha you guys are so funny. What does that mean?" She also taught some ridiculous class like Introduction to Letters or How To Tie Knots.

2. The One That Was So Intelligent You Became Entranced

On the other side of that, there was the teacher that was so smart, she could've had an arm growing out of her face and you still would be drooling over her in the back of the class. You knew if you ever declared your love to her, she'd be appreciative, but would also correct your semicolon use and question the narrative of your letter. That would just make you swoon even harder.

3. The Hip, Cool Teacher That Plays By Her Own Rules

She was basically Michelle Pfeiffer in "Dangerous Minds." She was somewhat attractive and usually had hair long enough that she could brush out of her face when she was grading papers, which is embedded in your brain for eternity. One time she got so passionate about you getting better grades that she accidentally cursed. If it weren't a crime and you weren't a terrified 14-year-old wearing Simpsons novelty boxer shorts, you would've swept all those scantrons off her desk and made out with her hardcore right then and there.

4. The One That Simply Ignores All The Rules

You weren't even sure how she got a job as a teacher, because she definitely doesn't care about it at all. She's the equivalent of the bad boy in a '90s sitcom wearing a leather jacket, sunglasses at all times, and has a toothpick behind his ear. Is it a clean toothpick? Who cares? He's a rebel. You definitely saw her smoking on school property more than a few times, and there's a good chance she offered you one at some point. Every other week she would come in, clearly hungover, and would let the class have a movie day. Your crush eventually wore off when you realized she was a bit of an alcoholic, or when she started dating your dad.

5. The One That Knows About Sports

Remember the first time you realized there was a grown woman that knew more about sports than you? It wasn't a feeling of inferiority; it was instant love. Imagine Michelle Beadle from ESPN with an art history degree. Unfortunately, she was married to one of the coaches who taught some ridiculous class like Table Sanding 101. You're probably friends with her on Facebook and check in every once in a while to see if they've split up. Now they have grandchildren, but you'll always remember her as the first person to explain how the NFL quarterback rating system works. You still can't see an interception thrown without thinking about her in those tiny little reading glasses.

6. The Divorcée

Over the summer you found out she got a divorce from her husband and you knew the one thing she was looking for was a romantic encounter with a puberty-stricken "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" fan that practiced French kissing on a Cabbage Patch Doll. Fortunately for you, and the family attorney, you never actually made a move, but that doesn't mean you didn't just so happen to name that Cabbage Patch with the paint peeled off the lips after her.

7. The One That Wears Skirts

She could have been a troll that crawled from under a bridge and ate live cats during lectures. When you're 15 and there's an adult woman wearing a skirt, you're ready to marry that stunning, feline-consuming creature.

8. The Substitute

You know that terrible, creepy James Blunt song "You're Beautiful" about seeing a woman on the subway with her husband or boyfriend and spending the whole ride having a delusional fantasy about what your lives would be like together? You weren't quite as creepy as that, but when this random angel was selected to come in and read a book while your class did busy work, you knew she was sent there to be the love of your life. She wasn't. She was there because she answered an ad online and didn't have anything better to do. But in your mind you'd go home after school with her and do some sweet, sweet smooching until you had to excuse yourself to tuck that adorable, little boner into your waistband so she wouldn't notice it. Ah, to be young and completely ignorant again.

 

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Umpire Gets Carried Off On Stretcher After Taking Foul Ball to the Groin

May 7, 2015, 7:21 am

≫ Next: This News Anchor is Hoping for a Dry Hump Day

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Yeah, there was no thumbs up coming from this guy as they carried him away.

According to The Big Lead, the home plate umpire at a recent Korean Baseball Organization game between the SK Wyverns and Lotte Giants was hit in his stones so hard by a foul tip that he left the diamond on a stretcher.


Hopefully, one of those advertisements in the ballpark is for a good nut doctor, as the sooner they get this umpire some attention, the better.

The Lotte Giants eventually lost the game 5-3, but let's be honest: The only real loser on this night was the ump to took a baseball to his baby maker.

Watching guys get drilled in the nards is so damn funny. Well, unless that guy is you: 23 Funny Nut Shot GIFs

 

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This News Anchor is Hoping for a Dry Hump Day

May 7, 2015, 7:46 am

≫ Next: The Most Ridiculous Drinking Games Ever Played

≪ Previous: Umpire Gets Carried Off On Stretcher After Taking Foul Ball to the Groin

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It sounds like FOX 2 Detroit's Amy Andrews must be a hit with high school sophomores.

Andrews and the rest of her morning show comrades were about to take a look at Wednesday's weather report when she realized, "Hey, it's hump day." And since everybody loves a sunny day, Andrews was hoping for this hump day to be free of rain.

Except she didn't quite say it like that.


"Oh."

Is it just us, or did Amy's co-host Jay Towers take a solid peek at her rear end before she wished everybody a dry hump day? I mean, that has to be the kinkiest 15 seconds of a morning news report you will ever see.

Personally, dry hump day sounds much too painful for me, and I don't feel like wrecking another pair of Levi's. But hey, sign me up for Motorboat Mondays if that ever catches on.

h/t Barstool Sports

Here's another news report you should check out. Twice: Venezuelan TV Reporter Gets Naked For Ronaldo

 

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