Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Oh, you're sweet and fun and gainfully employed and emotionally available and age appropriate and you really like me? Sorry, not my type.
- Sarah (@thetigersez) May 7, 2015
To make a new Old Spice name, mix a description of nature with a violent action Examples: Arctic Thrust Breeze Assailant Forest Chokehold
- Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 7, 2015
If I read another crazy theory about how advertising is brainwashing us I swear I'll drive a new, fully redesigned Ford F-150 off a cliff
- Shawn (@CakeThrottle) May 13, 2015
I bet sometimes Kate Middleton wishes she could just put on an old Slayer t-shirt and get drunk enough to enjoy anal. pic.twitter.com/OL0GLb2M48
- Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) May 30, 2014
Search History: Cat armor Buy armor for cats Cat jousting tournaments How to stop armored cats Cat army how to stop national guard phone #
- Alone Shark (@AbrasiveGhost) April 26, 2015
Do you ever look up from your phone and realize you're 83 weeks deep into your own instagram account
- Chelsea Nachman (@chelseanachman) May 13, 2015
"And you swear to God, your mother lets you do this?!" -- me, every 20 minutes, when I'm watching the kids by myself
- Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) May 17, 2015
A player piano is just like a regular piano except for that the player piano has slept with your girlfriend.
- Dr. Jimi Torosian (@jimmytorosian) April 20, 2015
Um a dog just came out of the elevator. By itself
- mavis beacon (@vodkalemonades) May 16, 2015
hahaha = that was super funny HAHA = oh man, good one Ha = you've had better Lol = I'm mocking you now HAAHAHAHAHAHAH = sorry autocorrect
- Lyndsay Rush (@rushbomb) May 11, 2015
[picks up crying baby] it's ok buddy, when you grow up you'll learn how to do this on the inside
- Dyl don't (@dyldonot) January 28, 2015
Humans pretend to be smart but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we're suddenly gonna have x-ray vision
- ruined picnic (@ruinedpicnic) May 15, 2015
Sorry I didn't text back yeah I was typing words into my phone to complete strangers who mean more to me
- Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) May 15, 2015
Sure pic.twitter.com/4eMF628NVL
- Alice White (@alicewhitey) May 9, 2015
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
- Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) May 12, 2015
woken up yet again by the sound of that massive vehicle picking up the trash my neighbors put out on their curb. I hate living near a school
- keith buckley (@deathoftheparty) May 4, 2015
Take your husband's last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You're the husband now.
- Danielle Grace (@danimgrace) May 12, 2015
Spiderman, Spiderman/ Does whatever a spider can/ Attends college/ Works as a photographer/ Just like a spider
- Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) April 9, 2015
I can't wait until 2nd puberty, which happens when you turn about 40. It's when you start getting short fat & get more health problems
- Karl From Online (@HammerFist3) May 13, 2015
MILF= be hotter than a 20 year old after having three kids DILF=you're fine the way you are, you hot fucking pile of raw biscuit dough
- desi (@DesiJed) May 11, 2015
Sir that parking space is reserved for those with disability "Um bro how about DIS ABILITY to find really awesome parking spaces"
- ♡ Brian Essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) May 6, 2015
- Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) May 14, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.
Breastfeeding Prostitution Ring
Money for sex is one of the most traditional forms of crime there is, but some crooks decided to cater to a more...specialized audience. In December 2014, Chinese authorities raided a gang that was charging men a staggering $7,800 a month for access to a group of lactating mothers that would let them suckle breast milk from their teats. The women, who were all parenting newborns, got paid for letting customers drink their rich fluids and could also charge extra for sex if they wanted. Many were feeding their new babies formula to save their natural milk for their clients, which is pretty messed up. (Photo Credit: CEN)
Arsenic Poisoning Ring
Let's head back to the late 1930s for one of the most bizarre murder campaigns in the history of crime. After the death of a day laborer in 1938, Philadelphia police started noticing an increase in hospital patients suffering from toxemia. They discovered that a group of corrupt insurance agents had been trawling the lower-class areas of the city, signing people up for policies and then arranging for them to be poisoned with arsenic. Medical science at the time chalked many of the deaths up to pneumonia, and toxicity screenings weren't performed on the bodies. The ring was run by cousins Herman and Paul Petrillo, and when they were arrested in 1939 detectives traced back 141 killings to the duo. (Photo Credit: Malefactorregister)
Bootleg Cable Ring
It's hard to believe, but once upon a time all of your home entertainment flowed through a cable box. Premium programming became a big deal in the pre-Internet age, but people really didn't want to pay for the service. That's what inspired a pair of Florida brothers to create one of the world's largest cable bootlegging rings. The Russo brothers worked with electronics companies all over the world to manufacture parts for cable descramblers, which they would then sell in a variety of places, including out of a hot dog stand in New Jersey. Some of the ring's members even stole 3,500 bootleg boxes from a LAPD evidence locker. (Photo Credit: Mr. Tin DC via Flickr CC)
Senior Center Prostitution Ring
Retirement is supposed to be an opportunity to enjoy freedom from the rat race, but some people just can't stop working. James Parham and Cheryl Chaney, aged 75 and 66 respectively, were busted in 2013 for running a drug and prostitution ring out of the Vicente K. Tibbs Senior Citizen Building in Englewood, New Jersey. Police allege that the pair used the nursing home to host street hookers and vagrants. Residents complained about strange people in the building and finding used condoms in the common rooms, and eventually an investigation traced it to the duo, who had been living there for 20 years. (Photo Credit: Sima Dimitric via Flickr CC)
Tide Detergent Theft Ring
Some would argue that government-backed currency is essentially valueless and that we should go back to the barter system to power our economy. We doubt the crooks responsible for a wave of detergent thefts in 2012 would go that far, but it's fair to argue that, for a while, Tide was liquid gold. Shoplifters were liberating cases of it from stores and using it instead of money. Known as "organized retail crime," this behavior is disturbingly common, but the detergent thieves took it to a new level. Teams of "boosters" liberated the product from stores, and it was then sold on the street by fences for a 75 percent discount. (Photo Credit: Mike Mozart via Flickr CC)
Venus Flytrap Smuggling Ring
Where there's scarcity, there's crime. Even bizarre scarcity. Case in point: the poaching ring that has sprung up in North Carolina around Venus flytraps. The bug-eating vegetables are actually reasonably rare, with just 35,000 in the wild, mainly growing in North Carolina's swamps. Since they can be sold for decent money, criminals poach them with disturbing regularity. They sell the bulbs for a paltry 25 cents a pop to greenhouses and large retailers, who mark them up and sell them to stores. In December 2014, North Carolina made picking a wild flytrap illegal, carrying a penalty of 25 to 39 months in prison. (Photo Credit: Only_Point_Five via Flickr CC)
Teenage Counterfeit Ring
Usually it takes an adult criminal to organize a group of crooks, but kids are starting a lot of things earlier these days. In 2011, police in Stuart, Florida busted four students who had been running a counterfeiting ring to pay for school lunches. The quartet attended Jensen Beach High School as freshmen, and got busted after suspicious administration equipped the lunch ladies with a counterfeit-detecting pen. The ringleader was a 15 year old student who printed the funny money on yellow resume paper his parents had bought him for a school project. His motivation for passing off the bad cash was "because it sounded cool." (Photo Credit: Lee via Flickr CC)
Pigeon Egg Smuggling Ring
Here's another bizarre one involving criminals and the animal kingdom. Pigeon racing is a big hobby in some Latin American cultures, and the general consensus is that Cuban pigeons are among the fastest in the world. Miami pet store owner Rufino Blanco and his daughter Claribel Blanco Cuellar were the American representatives of a smuggling ring that sneaked pigeon eggs out of Cuba and into the States. They transported the eggs inside plastic Easter shells, and when stopped by authorities Claribel claimed that they were for use in Santeria rituals. (Photo Credit: Thor via Flickr CC)
Fake Kidnapping Ring
Sometimes pretending you did a crime can be just as profitable as actually doing it. In 2013, Homeland Security busted a group of criminals who had operated a successful extortion ring based around fake kidnappings. The group's modus operandi was simple: go down a list of phone numbers and claim that they'd abducted a family member of the person on the other end of the line. If somebody fell for it, they'd give a ransom demand. It seems ridiculous, but the victims - mostly Latino families - believed it, and wired thousands of dollars to the fake kidnappers. (Photo Credit: Alana Holmberg via Flickr CC)
Prison Sperm Smuggling Ring
Let's head over to the Middle East for this next quasi-criminal ring that shows exactly how innovation flourishes in harsh conditions. Palestinian prisoners locked away in Israeli prisons are expanding their families using a massive, covert organization that exists only to extract their sperm. Because conjugal visits are banned, the couriers are usually the prisoners' mothers and fathers, who smuggle out containers of sperm and then rush them to IVF clinics to implant the seed into the man's wife. There's a whole network of doctors that specialize in this illegal procedure. (Photo Credit: Mark Holtzhausen via Flickr CC)
#IAMDANCINGMAN @MonicaLewinsky and @Dancingmanfound wey hey Sean and Monica - tip top!! The PaRtay is going!! pic.twitter.com/B2vb0CHeLU
- Annie Mullins (@Annie_R_Mullins) May 24, 2015
This is happening. With @Dancingmanfound @Jamieleedoe @NikkiBalzzz @JumbosClownRoom pic.twitter.com/1vRsBUhXOe
- Cassandra (@CassandraRules) May 26, 2015
