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Jerk Busted Parking In Handicap Spot, Gets His Car Turned Into Parade Float

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There will always be someone out there who doesn't give a damn when it comes to illegally parking in a handicap spot, but if all those people had done to them what was done to the guy below, I can promise you they would stop illegally parking there, and instead park in the regular spots and complain about how far they have to walk like the rest of us do.



The people of Brazil had no problem covering this offender's car with blue ticker tape, resembling that of a parade float, and adding a white handicap logo on the side of this car, so that he will never forget the stupid decision he made. This is a win for all those people that actually need a handicap spot, and hopefully more offenders get the same treatment.

You can tell by how quickly the guy was removing all that tape that he wanted to get out of there as fast as he could, but now his shame is on the Internet for all to see and laugh at.

Those Brazilians sure do love their parade floats.

Via BroBible

 

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The Funniest GIFs of the Week

Florida Woman Stabs Boyfriend After He Refuses to Have Sex With Her

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Well, now he's definitely not going to do it.

According to The Dayton Beach News-Journal, police arrested a 37-year-old Deltona woman early Saturday morning because she "cut her boyfriend's belly" with a knife after he denied her sexual advances.

Florida woman stabs boyfriend after he denies her sex
Jose Vega-Hernandez told police Yanilca Oritz-Burgos had been "consuming alcohol all night" and walked into his bedroom because she wanted to have sex. Vega-Hernandez told her he was too tired for that, but she "forcibly" jumped on him anyway. He pushed her off him, so Ortiz-Burgos shanked him.

When police arrived on the scene, they found the couple outside the house, with Vega-Hernandez sporting a gut wound as well as a decent-sized gash on his right hand. Ortiz-Burgos denied stabbing him, but she was arrested anyway and charged with aggravated battery on a person with a deadly weapon and child abuse because the attack took place in front of three children, although it's unknown exactly whose kids they were.

The one thing that is for certain? You guessed it: Vega-Hernandez said their relationship is "over."

Hey, sometimes guys just want to sleep: Texas Woman Arrested for Unwanted BJ

 

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Here's a Guy Just Masturbating in Front of People on the NYC Subway

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It looks like New York City's A train briefly turned into the JO train last Friday morning.

According to Gawker, a woman captured both photographic and video evidence of some creep who "masturbated to completion" on the crowded train.

man busted masturbating on nyc subway
The woman said she got on the train at the Hoyt/Schermerhorn station and noticed a man "with his penis out of his pants, masturbating." In an effort to prevent others from catching on that he was punching his clown, the man also had a black hat in his lap acting as a shield.

It was a tale of two efforts, though, as his poor effort to shield his activities led to the woman being able to capture him on her cellphone. On the other hand, literally, he was able to "finish the job," and the woman said he "cleaned himself" while the train was going through the tunnel between High Street and Fulton. When the train stopped at Fulton Street, the man exited the train.


The woman also said the NYPD was taking the public jerking very seriously because "it's a really hot topic right now." In fact, while the woman was filing her complaint at a Manhattan police station, a call came in from another woman who witnessed the same thing on another train.

Taxi!

The next train doesn't come for another nine minutes. What are we going to do until then? Man Receives Oral Sex For All To See At Subway Station

 

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Guy Tries To Jump Over Subway Tracks, Fails Massively

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Unless you are a stuntman getting paid to do dangerous moves in a big Hollywood movie, or you are trying desperately to make parkour a thing again, please do not attempt to jump over the subway tracks like the guy below did. You will fail. If you don't, perhaps give Olympic long jumping a try.

 

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Dude Cutting Railway Track Learns the Hard Way to Stand Back

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Remember when your mom taught you to not cut toward yourself when using a knife? This is kind of the same thing, except the knife has been replaced by a steel railway track with the potential to do way more damage, and your mom has been replaced by a coworker.


Oh, and remember when your coworker at the five-second mark told you to be careful because the steel beam could snap back at you? Yeah, he was serious about that.

h/t Barstool Sports

Good thing he was wearing that helmet or he might have wound up looking like this: Hockey Player Slices Face on Skate While Celebrating Win

 

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Check Out This Idiot Who Got His Head Stuck in a Trash Can During a Golf Outing

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We're not sure which is more embarrassing, the fact that this guy had his head stuck in a trash bin or those pants he was wearing.

According to The Sentinel, a 49-year-old British man was participating in a 24-hour charity golf outing for Alzheimer's earlier this month when his game went to shit. Apparently, so did his brain.

Dave Sayer said his play at Wolstanton Golf Club had become atrocious and he had consumed "a few beers," so he decided to "bin" his golf clubs. But when they wouldn't fit in the trash can, he decided to put his head in it instead, and that's where it stayed for the next 10 minutes.


If you find yourself questioning what in the hell somebody was doing with a full-sized jar of Vaseline in his possession on the golf course, you're not alone. Sayer said that some chap was carrying it on him in an effort to "avoid sores."

And yes, that's probably the only thing more disgusting than having to breathe in the stank of a day's worth of garbage for 10 minutes while being circled by wasps. I mean, I'd be washing my ears every 15 minutes for the rest of my life after hearing that.

Hey, at least he still has his ribs intact, unlike this guy: Guy Tries To Jump Over Subway Tracks, Fails Massively

 

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Two Cows Tried Humping Each Other During a Live News Segment

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A friend of mine once told me that there isn't much to do in Oklahoma City outside of watching Kevin Durant and having sex.

The cows there apparently agree with him.

According to Huffington Post, KOKH's Mitch English's recent live segment on what goes into feeding local cows got off to a kinky start when one of the cows behind him thought it was the right time to get him some cow ass.


The attempted hump sesh only lasted about as long as Brandon Routh's acting career, but the anchors back in the studio still wanted to talk about it after the segment.

"I'm shocked about how much water those cows drink," the female anchor said to her male counterpart.

"Really?" he replied. "That's the part of that segment that shocked you? The water? That's what shocked you? OK."

For the record, Oklahoma City cows will drink between 80 to 100 gallons of water on a hot day. But let's be honest: That's not why you clicked on this link.

These guys love cow sex a tad more than others: Two New York Men Busted for Sexually Abusing Cows

 

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Today's Funny Photos

These Are The Most Bizarre Mailboxes You'll See

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Mailboxes should be a pretty standard box with a slot the mailman can put the mail in (there's a bad sex joke here), but the people below prove that some mailboxes can stop traffic, or at least get you some attention on the Internet.

Funny, Insane Mailboxes
This person has now abandoned dinner forever.

Funny, Insane Mailboxes
There is a redneck nearby shouting about the second amendment.

Funny, Insane Mailboxes
You didn't need that Bed Bath & Beyond coupon anyway.

Funny, Insane Mailboxes
Still more natural than Lance Armstrong.

Funny, Insane Mailboxes
America's unhealthy obsession with body image continues.

Funny, Insane Mailboxes
Pretty sure this is the spot a Republican announced he was running for president.

Funny, Insane Mailboxes
The tobacco industry and their marketing team is making a comeback.

Funny, Insane Mailboxes
I think this is Chris Christie's house.

Funny, Insane Mailboxes
That woodworking college elective paid off.

Funny, Insane Mailboxes
This is me waiting for my package after choosing the cheapest shipping option.

Funny, Insane Mailboxes
This is what SeaWorld does to its dolphins.

Funny, Insane Mailboxes
Scouting locations for the next "Planet of the Apes" sequel.

Funny, Insane Boxes
At least the magazines are close.

Funny, Insane Mailboxes
One person's trash is another person's trash

Funny, Insane Mailboxes
There is a failed artist that lives in that residence.

Via College Humor

 

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All The 'Saturday Night Live' Weekend Update Anchors Ranked

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Our top story tonight: Weekend Update has been giving us laugh-out-loud takes on the days' news stories since Chevy Chase uttered who he was and we weren't in 1975. Since then, it has secured itself as not just a favorite part of any "Saturday Night Live" episode, but a cherished component of our popular culture itself. Countless classic moments have occurred within the segment, all lorded over by an anchor who served as the festivity's ringmaster. They have come in singles and pairs and regardless of the permutation, it seems to be one of the best jobs in television comedy. Along the way there have been good ones, bad ones and great ones, and here we rank them all. (Photo credits: NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)

#18 - Charles Rocket (1980 - 1981)

Rocket was billed as an answer to Chevy Chase and Bill Murray the first season after Lorne Michaels and all the original cast members departed the show. He never lived up to that expectation, delivering a stiff, straight man presence to the Weekend Update desk. He's best remembered for getting fired for using the F-bomb on air during the goodnight credits. However his anchorman was involved in something historic: presiding over Eddie Murphy's first real introduction to the "SNL" audience... and the world.

#17 - Christopher Guest (1984 - 1985)

A comic genius, no doubt, and Guest made some classic contributions to "SNL's" Season 10. But he never looked comfortable behind the Weekend Update desk, and gave another straight man approach the role, with a slowly simmering weirdo twist. Cast mates Billy Crystal, Martin Short, Jim Belushi, etc. were champions as various WU correspondents, but Guest never seemed to want to join in on that fun.

#16 - Colin Quinn (1998 - 2000)

It wasn't the words that came out of Colin Quinn's mouth that was the problem, it seems it was the mouth itself. His jokes came forth with a strange stunted, choppy delivery as if before each Weekend Update segment he stuffed his mouth with marbles, smiled, and began the news. The smile was devilish and a perfect device for a comic anchor, but in Quinn's case, his seemed to suggest he knew he was making a mess of this revered role yet wasn't going to let that bother him.

#15 - Kevin Nealon (1991 - 1995)

Another anchorman with an articulation problem, Nealon definitely looked the part. He was affable and and gave reliable laughs in sketches. But behind the desk he never seemed to become of master of his new role. Seniority likely got him the gig, and he must have had experience reading cue cards before as a regular player, but as an anchor he would commonly garble the lines and derail the jokes. Uncomfortable for sure, both his delivery and the laughs that were generated for all the wrong reasons.

#14 - Brad Hall (1982 -1984)

Brad Hall's biggest problem was that as a Weekend Update anchor - and maybe as a cast member in general - he left no memorable mark. Co-stars Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo were wildly popular and soaked up much of the spotlight. But Hall was mostly always the straight man and gave the straight man's approach to delivering the news without giving it any interesting spin. Though 1984 was an election year, the encompassing events were largely ignored by WU, which perhaps could have been a way for Hall to finally showcase his humor. He was yanked from the desk before the end of his final season and replaced with a rotation of SNL's guest hosts filling the seat.

#13 - Brian Doyle-Murray (1981 - 1982)

The darkness that started to lift from the SNL doldrums after its creator and original cast left came around 1981, but that credit can't be given to what Brian Doyle-Murray brought to Weekend Update. He'd actually been a performer alongside younger brother Bill in the latter's last season and a writer in the year that followed. His gravelly voice and newsman's gravitas would have made Doyle-Murray the perfect fit as anchor, but combining more straight man sensibility with a writing staff trying to find its footing did not translate into a lot of laughs for his Update.

#12 - Seth Meyers and Cecily Strong (2013 - 2014)

With Meyers on his way out the door to become part of the Late Night boys club, a girl was invited to share the anchor desk with him in an effort to make a smooth transition. The first duo of our list, the pairing wasn't exactly rocky - there just wasn't much of anything there. The chemistry was weak between Seth Meyers and Cecily Strong and Weekend Update, after a long run of comedic greatness, began to resemble the boys club of our entries above.

#11 - Cecily Strong/Colin Jost/Michael Che (2014 - Present)

In the interest of time - and their impact to Weekend Update - we've morphed these two duos into one entry. With Meyers gone, the hope was that Strong would find chemistry when joined by Colin Jost. But that science experiment failed and Strong was shown the WU door to return back to her regular player status. Jost was joined my Michael Che - 40 years later somehow its first black anchor - though Lester Holt might be able to share similar real world stories. Together they have not brought anything fresh or new to the desk, and may actually rank lower up this list, but since they've only been at it together since this past January, we'll give them the benefit of the doubt and place them right here.

#10 - Seth Meyers (2008 - 2013)

He's definitely cheerful, with the big smile of a mischievous child hidden beneath the cloak of a grown man - wait a minute, is that an unintended Catholic church reference? Seth Meyers did have a great delivery and the uncanny ability to make lemonade out of a joke gone bad. But his play-it-safe playfulness left eager Weekend Update viewers a bit thirsty. He was the show's head writer, and deserves props for that, and cloaking, er, clocking in at 154 episodes solo or paired, the longest serving anchorman in "SNL" history.

#9 - Jane Curtin and Bill Murray (1978 - 1980)

The last of the Jane Curtin-as-anchor iterations, her pairing with Bill Murray did not ignite the sparks she shared with Dan Ackroyd, who in the Weekend Update world had been promoted to "Station Manager," and made only semi-regular appearance there. But Curtin and Murray were such pros that they made for a must-watch duo. Her business-like presence with his infamous goofiness brought much color and fun to an ever-evolving WU desk.

#8 - Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers (2006 - 2008)

As bright as her hair, Amy Poehler is ray of comic sunshine and Seth Meyers did benefit from the warmth she brought to Weekend Update desk. They may not have been innovative, but they were a hoot to watch and their tenure together was marked with some truly hilarious moments. The pinnacle may have been the Sarah Palin gansta rap Poehler performed for Meyers and VP candidate Palin seated beside her. An amazing comic moment already, the fact the Poehler was nine months pregnant made it mind-blowingly immaculate.

#7 - Jane Curtin (1976 - 1978)

Funny how Weekend Update's first straight man anchor was a woman. Jane Curtin had the unenviable task of filling Chevy Chase's shoes when the true breakout star of "SNL's" original season broke out a year later and left the show behind him. Chase was such a dominant presence on that show - and his WU appearances in particular a pop culture benchmark - that any replacement might have felt a bit rattled. But as Curtin's persona proved, she wouldn't be rattled. She was a serious-as-hell fake newswoman and we learned quickly that you didn't need to bring overt goofiness to that chair to be hilarious.

#6 - Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey (2000 - 2004)

The new guard's ultimate boy/girl pairing, the tremendous contributions Fallon and Fey have gone on to make within the comedy universe can all be traced right back to here. They used their obvious chemistry and turned it into dynamite every week for the audiences at home. The anchor desk was their playground and whatever went on during that episode's sketches before and after, the duo always knocked the precious minutes of Weekend Update out of the park. They were clearly having fun. Maybe too much fun since Jimmy Fallon's giggles were often uncontainable. As it turns out, with them, so were ours.

#5 - Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd (1977 - 1978)

The first anchor duo, and a memorable one at that. Jane Curtin's serious newswoman was joined by Dan Ackroyd, who gave the role his own straight man spin. Yet together lunacy ensued and any lasting vestige of Chevy Chase's Weekend Update was obliterated. They were an outrageous pair, true performers giving it their all to unknowingly set comic history on a brand new course. Their classic Point/Counterpoint segment introduced us to the incredible line "Jane, you ignorant slut." The world hasn't been the same since.

#4 - Chevy Chase (1975 - 1976)

The original anchor was undeniably an original, seeing the concept of Weekend Update as a blank canvass and painting it with a brand of outrageousness that television audiences had never seen before. For all the talent that the rest of the pioneering players possessed, they nevertheless spent that first year under Chase's colossal shadow for his star quickly burned the brightest. WU was his greatest contribution to "SNL" - he set the mold for what could be done at that desk - and few have been able to improve upon it since. Equal parts charm and smarm, he matter-of-factly turned the role of the sober, sane newsman upside down with an unexpected injection of offhand, wild insanity.

#3 - Tina Fey and Amy Poehler (2004 -2006)

There is a long-held belief, particularly among the male comedians of yore, that women are just not funny. If anyone actually believed that in this day and age, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler obliterated that notion when they became the first female Weekend Update anchor duo. More than chemistry, they had a comic sisterhood, tackling both serious news stories and silly notions as one hilarious team. Fearless, flawless, and fall-down funny, they could teach a master class in how to own WU for most everyone out there - male or female.

#2 - Norm Macdonald (1994 - 1997)

Weekend Update was a perfect fit for Macdonald, more so than most of the other comedians on this list. He was cynical. He was sarcastic. And he was uncompromising. No one was safe from his relentless wit: not presidents, celebrities, nor random newsmakers. The audience loved him for it, too, almost bracing themselves before each story in anticipation of how far he might actually go for a joke at someone else's expense. He was also beloved for how little he seemed to care about what the audience laughed at and appeared to be just as pleased with a line that brought down the house as one that solidly fell flat. Norm believed he knew what was funny better than anyone else out there, and many believe he had every reason to.

#1 - Dennis Miller (1985 - 1991)

Lorne Michaels wanted to give the gig to Jon Lovitz, but Lovitz was too busy with all the sketches he was appearing in. The fact that the greatest Weekend Update anchor ever was not a first choice might be our most definitive confirmation that God really does exist. Within the hands of Dennis Miller, the news of the mid-80s and dawn of the '90s was skewered by another higher power who's wily wit and wordplay helped steer "SNL" back from the brink of irrelevance and returned to a true comic renaissance. Part joker and part king, Miller, adorned with a crown of lofty hair, used his sarcasm and smarts to make us all his loyal subjects. No one has ever looked more comfortable in that anchor's chair and no one ever made it look so easy.

 

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Check Out Our Favorite Ya Boy Bill Nye Tweets

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In recent years, we have seen Bill Nye go from everyone's favorite scientist to what seems like everyone's favorite person, as the fascination for him continues to grow. Someone even took the time to make a Twitter, playing it off as if it's street Bill Nye. Check out some of our favorite Ya Boy Bill Nye tweets.

Funny, Ya Boy Bill Nye

Funny, Ya Boy Bill Nye

Funny, Ya Boy Bill Nye

Funny, Ya Boy Bill Nye

Funny, Ya Boy Bill Nye

Funny, Ya Boy Bill Nye

Funny, Ya Boy Bill Nye

Funny, Ya Boy Bill Nye

Funny, Ya Boy Bill Nye

Funny, Ya Boy Bill Nye

Funny, Ya Boy Bill Nye

Funny, Ya Boy Bill Nye

 

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This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets

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Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.


Follow @robfee on Twitter.


More very funny tweets can be found right here.

 

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This Bear Taking A Dive In A Swimming Pool Is Happier Than You

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Chances are that this summer you will try to head out to a beach, a pool, or you will lie to your friend and tell her you want to see her when in reality you just want to use her pool. Regardless of what you do, you probably won't be as happy as the bear below.

 

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Is This Pyramid On Mars Proof Of An Alien Civilization?

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NASA has been studying Mars for years, hoping to find some proof of life, and they may have come across something that proves that there is more going on on that planet than originally believed.

News, Aliens On Mars, Pyramid On Mars

The Curiosity Rover was sent to Mars to check and take images of the red planet, and in doing so captured what looks like a perfectly formed pyramid. While some believe it is simply rock formation that just happens to be shaped that way, others believe that it is proof of an alien civilization.

Some have even gone as far as to say that perhaps the pyramid is the tip of a larger structure buried underground.

News, Aliens On Mars, Pyramid On Mars

Whatever it is, it has certainly reignited conversation of possible life on Mars again. My theory of it just being a marketing ploy by the "Independence Day" sequel team hasn't picked up steam yet.

Check out the video below to watch ParanormalCrucible's take on why the pyramid may in fact be proof of life.



Gif, Independence Day

Via Mirror

 

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A Very Informative Chart Explaining What All of the Icons In Your Car Mean

Random Tall Dude Pretends To Be Drafted In The 2015 NBA Draft, Gets Flashed, Makes Out With Strangers

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If you aren't LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, or another extremely recognizable basketball player, you can probably trick others into believing that you've just been drafted by an NBA team, which is exactly what the guy below did. Just be super tall, and you're in.

 

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The Scariest Spider Pics and GIFs Sure to Make Your Skin Crawl

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scary spiders

Roughly a quarter of men and half of women in the United States suffer from varying degrees of arachnophobia. Even though only about 2 percent of the nearly 63,000 species of spider around the world could actually be considered dangerous to humans, that information will likely be of little comfort to anyone who can't even stand the sight of an arachnid. With that in mind, if those afflicted with the fear of our little eight-legged foes want to overcome it, making it to the bottom of this page in one sitting is a start. But we promise you it won't be easy or enjoyable.

scary spider pics and gifs
Oh yeah, here's another cool little spider fact: they will rarely ever attack you first unless provoked. Just something to keep in the back of your mind.

scary spider pics and gifs
Nope, that's not a Magic Eye illustration. What you are seeing come into focus is entirely real, and the reason that shudder just went down your spine.

scary spider pics and gifs
It's okay. We can't stay and visit anyways. We're far too busy running like hell in the complete opposite direction of right here.

scary spider pics and gifs
When you see it, you'll never walk barefoot again.

scary spider pics and gifs
Thank goodness there's a spider equivalent to the "Cloverfield" monster out there.

scary spider pics and gifs
Resistance is futile.

scary spider pics and gifs
(video)

scary spider pics and gifs
We aren't quite sure why it would be considered a motivational poster if it was pubic hair, but the fact that it's spiders definitely qualifies it as demotivational without question.

scary spider pics and gifs
Oh, cute, it's like a little treadmill...for one of the most vile, spindly-looking abominations we've ever seen in the bathroom.

scary spider pics and gifs
We stand corrected. Hooray, all that running has made them super swimmers, too.

scary spider pics and gifs
Seriously, enough! How am I supposed to use the toilet in peace ever again? It was one of the only private sanctuaries I had left.

scary spider pics and gifs
Alright, alright, even though it was proven otherwise, we're willing to take underhand back into consideration.

scary spider pics and gifs
(video)

scary spider pics and gifs
If you thought that last GIF was hard to watch, imagine if you'd been the object he threw at the wall and you'll be in this little girl's world.

scary spider pics and gifs
Of course, one spider usually does the trick.

scary spider pics and gifs
Sure, it's gloomy today, but that's not what concerns me.

scary spider pics and gifs
Now is when the real suspense begins.

scary spider pics and gifs
(video)

scary spider pics and gifs
And you thought elephants had good memories.

scary spider pics and gifs
(cue "Jaws" theme music)

scary spider pics and gifs
(video)

scary spider pics and gifs
Ctrl+Alt+Delete! CTRL+ALT+DELETE!!!

scary spider pics and gifs
It may have been a hoax, but is anyone sleeping any better knowing that?

scary spider pics and gifs
If you live in the house with this clock, we say it's time to move.

If you've endured this barrage of scary spider photos and GIFs until the end, we say congratulations. We knew you had it in you. You may go throw up now. Just be sure to check the bowl first.

 

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Christine Marsden is a Malibu Model Mega Babe

Dude Puts Nerf Darts On His Eyeballs And It Looks As Disturbing As It Sounds

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I'm sure the legal team at Nerf loves this.

According to UPI, some dude in Idaho recently decided to affix two Nerf darts to his eyeballs, and he's now well on his way to YouTube stardom.


The video was uploaded to YouTube by Charles Tietjen of Rexburg, and he said the young man put in contacts before he attached the darts to his eyes in hopes that he would still have functioning corneas after the stunt.

And it's a good thing he did that because when he removed the darts a short while later, the contacts popped out along with them.

This story is definitely related: 10 Things 'Idiocracy' Predicted Would Happen, and Sadly Already Have

 

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