Via The Chive
I handed my dad an egg. pic.twitter.com/8HitnbbbMz
- Mått (@shadygrenade) June 20, 2015
We need you to come down & identify your wife's body Wile E Coyote: WHAT HAPPENED 52 car pile up, some idiot painted a fake tunnel on i80
- PapeяWash(C) (@PaperWash) June 28, 2015
Sorry I unhooked your dog's collar with one hand while it was kissing me.
- OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) June 27, 2015
A gloryhole for dogs where strangers can tell them they're a good boy
- ♡ Brian Essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) June 25, 2015
ME: Saw a dude talking to himself. ME: Me too.
- Kevin Sussman (@KevinSussman) June 27, 2015
Just a simple photo of a red vase, right? Look closer; it's Hall & Oates. pic.twitter.com/XVvkVn4wKY
- Mark Leggett (@markleggett) June 26, 2015
Just got off the phone with Sir Ian McKellen. He wanted to personally thank me for making my Facebook profile pic rainbow-colored.
- stefan (@boring_as_heck) June 28, 2015
rebecca black was only 13 when she made Friday pic.twitter.com/qxSkhes9E2
- Elijah Daniel (@aguywithnolife) June 28, 2015
Trying to name a single male Vine celeb who doesn't sound like a gay porn star on paper.
- Trevor S (@trevso_electric) June 28, 2015
hello yes one ticket for seth mcfarland cuss bear
- rob whisman (@robwhisman) June 27, 2015
I need to walk my dog, but I'm afraid I'll run into the neighbor who always wants to describe the piece of fresh fruit he's just eaten.
- Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) June 27, 2015
"How do I explain this to my kids?" Your kids already know. Your kids do not care. Your kids are shockingly well adjusted.
- Ashly (@newageamazon) June 26, 2015
"Yay?" (gays in iffy relationships)
- Josh Comers (@joshcomers) June 26, 2015
Living in Florida is a constant fun game of how fast can I get from one place with air conditioning to another?
- Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) June 25, 2015
So I haven't achieved much financially. Big deal. The important thing is: I'm not happy
- Ristolable (@Ristolable) June 25, 2015
"The sanctity of marriage is wrecked!" I say to Debra, my 5th wife, after 4 previous unsuccessful marriages.
- luke (@internetluke) June 26, 2015
[wife gets home from getting her hair done] I hate it "I'm sure it's fine, take off your hat and let's have a look" I'm not wearing a hat
- brent (@murrman5) June 23, 2015
stranger: "what do you think you're doing? me: [sharing his umbrella] "don't make this weird"
- k e e t (@KeetPotato) June 22, 2015
You know "sea foam" is technically whale piss, but yeah this bridesmaid dress is great
- ceeks (@70Ceeks) March 15, 2015
*a man runs into the bar* "HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?" *my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*
- THE NATEWOLF (@thenatewolf) June 23, 2015
When you're single and you contemplate calling one of your exes... pic.twitter.com/UXJ7sZfGTW
- Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) June 29, 2015
Getting home after work on Monday like... pic.twitter.com/Le18wE7uTW
- Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) June 22, 2015
"Lieutenant Dan, you got new Legs." pic.twitter.com/PmsjyfLdEG
- Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) June 26, 2015
When you think the Pizzas arrived... pic.twitter.com/yRE2ZtlUbk
- Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) May 20, 2015
When you're in a restaurant and you think your food has arrived. But its someone else's... pic.twitter.com/t3uO4dQ9zs
- Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) June 6, 2015
"Excuse me but do you have a Vegan option? I believe that no animal should suffer for my benefit." pic.twitter.com/cRnfWhZNW3
- Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) June 11, 2015
When you get home after curfew and your Dads just sat there like... pic.twitter.com/CYktQjv8K2
- Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) April 30, 2015
"Whats that Lassie? Little Timmy fell down the old wishing well and you're too fabulous to care?!" pic.twitter.com/Iy3GHg7gQU
- Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) May 9, 2015
When your whole outfits on point... pic.twitter.com/XJQfQkyJUH
- Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) April 11, 2015
When you're telling a story and realise halfway through that you had to be there for it to be funny... pic.twitter.com/is1Z2XHcXo
- Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) April 27, 2015
"Mark, its Monday morning, until I've had my Coffee, go talk to somebody else please." pic.twitter.com/CMlPA1ApxU
- Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) May 18, 2015
When you fart too hard and you aren't sure if you've shit yourself or not... pic.twitter.com/0s2VW4C2fD
- Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) May 31, 2015
When you're at work and your boss is off sick... pic.twitter.com/dut0XvCj7U
- Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) March 6, 2015