h/t Someecards
Taylor Swift and Katy Perry have both slept with John Mayer so maybe the "bad blood" they share refers to hepatitis
- ♡ Brian Essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) July 23, 2015
WOMAN: I do not want to have sex with you MAN: Women are so mysterious
- Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) July 28, 2015
gays getting married? whats next, me marrying my dog? my dog with piercing blue eyes & a strong body? is that next? me marrying my sexy dog?
- BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL) June 26, 2015
[WWE auditions] SCOUT: next HULK HOGAN: *in disguise* im hank holgun S: i know it's u hulk H: no its not *slowly rips pants off* cousinnn
- very nice kyle (@hippieswordfish) July 29, 2015
GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
- Mat (@MatCro) July 26, 2015
At parties I like to play a drinking game where I take a drink every time someone says to me "Are u ok? you look like you're not having fun"
- Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) July 14, 2015
The moral of Beauty and the Beast is that looks don't matter, as long as you're a man.
- OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 27, 2015
"Baby I swear this has never happened to me before!" [I'm wedged between the bed and the nightstand]
- Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) August 2, 2015
WIFE: What're you doing in the garage? ME: I made a cloning machine. WIFE: Don't do anything stupid. OTHER ME: Like what?
- Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) July 31, 2015
Batman: Gotham City is under attack. Aquaman: IMMA SPLASH 'EM Batman: No, Aquaman. Just stop- Aquaman: pic.twitter.com/Xn0gdcBooH
- Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) August 4, 2015
[me, trying to impress someone I like] *ignores them*
- audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) July 30, 2015
The best way to get over someone is to wait fifty years, then quietly die in your sleep.
- moody monday (@mdob11) August 4, 2015
my girlfriend has all these bottles of crap in the shower and i only have one damn thing! pic.twitter.com/wpvrXIuQMh
- everett (@rad_milk) August 4, 2015
wife: "you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings" me: [covering penguin's ears] "he can hear you linda"
- k e e t (@KeetPotato) June 19, 2015
"when people say different color bell peppers taste different" [doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically
- brent (@murrman5) July 29, 2015
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
- bea_ker (@bea_ker) April 1, 2015
WIFE: why is the visa bill so high? ME: remember we talked about europe this summer? W: omg- M: now we can talk in a sweet ass dune buggy
- lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) April 2, 2015
How To Win Him Back In 10 Easy Steps! Steps 1-10: don't
- ol (@dulcetry) June 16, 2015
there is a small part of me that is staying alive just to see what happens to Tom Cruise
- BrainPornNinja (@CackleClub) August 3, 2015
[watching my phone's wifi struggling to make a connection] same
- ibid (@ibid78) August 3, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.