Buying a dog as a gift for someone seems like a very sweet gesture, but in reality you're about to change their life for years to come. Sure a puppy is adorable and they're great to snuggle with, but there are numerous downfalls that no one wants to talk about. Here are the 12 worst things no one tells you about having a dog.
1. You won't sleep
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Everyone wants a puppy because they're so tiny and cute, but in reality you've pretty much adopted a hairy, newborn baby. You have to constantly take them outside so they don't cover every square inch of your house in urine while hiding anything that he's going to chew through and murder himself. On top of all that, he has no sleep schedule so enjoy trying to explain to your boss that you're so tired because your Boston Terrier hasn't learned to control his bladder yet.
2. Your schedule now revolves around an animal
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Remember how you could go get drinks with your friends after work or randomly take a weekend road trip at a moment's notice? Not anymore! Now you have to make sure you're home every few hours to take him out or the only thing you'll be able to think about is him sitting by the door while Sarah McLaughlin softly plays in the background. The cost and planning of trips significantly goes up because you've got to get him up a sitter or you have to board him. Now you're going to spend the next two days looking up Yelp reviews for dog hotels and try to find one that isn't more expensive than a luxury resort, but also isn't going to toss your dog into a cage like some sort of dog detention center.
3. They're way more expensive than you expected
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How much could it really cost to buy a little food and a bowl for water, right? Is that what you're thinking? Are you really having that thought right now? Because the answer is so much money. You have to pay for shots, treats, shampoos, grooming, and countless other absurd expenses. And that cheap dog food you're considering buying? If you look it up online it turns out that it's made from parts of lesser dogs and will guarantee your dog gets bleeding tumors within days of eating it. How is that legal?
4. Cutting their nails is the most terrifying experience in life
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Cutting your own nails isn't a big deal because the worst thing that could happen is you cut one a little too short and your fingers are sore for a couple of days. Since dogs have veins in their names, cutting one of them too short could literally kill them. Blood starts spraying out and it looks like something out of a Saw movie.
5. They're going to wreck your furniture
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You think you're going to strictly enforce a "no dogs on the furniture" rule, but as soon as you walk out of the room he's going to be lounged out across your sectional. So you're either going to see the corners of your furniture slowly chewed to bits or a giant indention in the middle of your sofa outlined in hair where an animal has been sleeping 8 hours every day while you were at work.
6. You can never leave food unattended again
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You could leave a sandwich sitting on your roof and somehow your dog would find out how to get up there and eat it. One time I blinked too long and by the time my eyes had opened back up an entire casserole was gone.
7. And even if you're holding your food they will stare at you without breaking eye contact
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People think that if you never give a dog people food they'll never beg for it. Sure. They'll have no idea what that delicious aroma is and just constantly crave dry Purina. If you have something you want to eat, your dog will want to eat it too.
8. Every window in your home will be smudged
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Get ready to buy more Windex than you've ever considered purchasing in your life because you'll either be cleaning them every other day for the remainder of your dog's life, or your windows will look like Naomi Watt's face in photos after she watched the video on The Ring. I understand that maybe that reference was a little too specific, but for those who get it, it makes perfect sense.
9. Moving becomes much more difficult
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Trying to find a good place is hard enough but now you have to find one that accepts pets and won't charge you an insane deposit for having one, even though it's clearly much more destructive to a place if you have a kid. Plus if your move is long distance you're going to have to stop every hour to keep him from puking while he shakes uncontrollably from traffic fear.
10. Sex is going to be frequently interrupted
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I hope you enjoy having a Great Dane stare at you the entire time you're trying to get this going, because the options are either having him make direct eye contact, letting him take up half the bed, or listen to him whine and scratch at the door, which is much less of a mood-setter than your Ginuwine mix tape.
11. If your dog gets fleas, you might as well burn your house down
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Here's how the process works of your dog getting fleas: Your dog gets them and you treat them on your dog. But now you have them in your carpet and on your furniture, so you have to treat everything in order to keep them from coming back. That means if you miss one thing you have to start the whole process over and if your dog is getting them from your yard you have officially entered the deepest circle of hell and your home is no longer your own. You live in the flea's house now. You are an eternal guest.
He's going to die soon
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I HOPE YOU REALLY LOVE HIM BECAUSE IN JUST A COUPLE OF YEARS HE'LL BE DEAD! THANKS FOR THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT OF FUTURE SADNESS, BABE!
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