Full disclosure: This one time when I was 12, I pooped my pants. It was before a Little League baseball game, and I think I ate a chili dog. I rushed to the bathroom to clean up, but it wouldn't be enough. I would play six innings with a puddle in my pants. I think I got two hits.
The following stories are just like that. They include real people, real trouble and real shit. Let's laugh at their misfortunes.
The Gamble
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I was at work, and decided to gamble on a greasy cheeseburger fart. I lost, meaning I fucking shit myself. I ran to the washroom, cleaned up, and went commando until break. At break, I drove to Walmart to pick up a new pair of ass huggers. On the way there, I got into a car accident. Never again will I gamble on a fart.
Bubble Gum
As a child and teen I would eat bubble gum like it was candy; chew for a few seconds and swallow. We've all heard the myth of how bubble gum stays in your stomach for seven years. Well I can attest that that is a LIE. So, here I was, a preteen/teenager, laying on the couch when I have to fart. No biggie. I let it go and something feels yucky in my underwear, so I rush to the bathroom because I think I pooped myself. I pull down my pants to find BRIGHT PINK GUM. I sharted undigested bubble gum, you guys.
Dark Brown Pebble
I was at my girlfriends apt, we were a new couple so we weren't yet comfortable being open about our bowel movements. I usually shit in the mornings but wanted to wait until I got back to my apt. I held it in so long that a dark brown pebble eked out of my butt, tumbled out of my boxers, and rolled down my pant leg onto her bedroom carpet.
My girlfriend yells "what is that!?!?!?" I quickly cover it up with my bare foot and embarrassingly say "uhhh nothing" thinking she'll let it go. Instead she says "OMG that's shit!!!!" I quickly picked up the little brown pebble with my foot, threw it in the toilet, and left acting like I was pissed off but really I was just trying to mask my embarrassment.
She still doesn't let that one down to this day.
Honey Bunny Takes Dumpy Wumpy
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I was pregnant, around four months along. Every day I would take my dog for a long morning walk. About halfway through I realized I needed to poop and had better turn around and head back home. I was confident that I could walk the 1.5 miles back to my house because I was a poo holding super hero. I had gone longer than that after getting drunk, eating a burrito the size of a baby and snorting two huge lines of coke. Thing is pooping and peeing after your first trimester happens in ways that you are no longer in control of.
The last four blocks were hell. I was dragging my dog doing yoga breathing and clenching my butt cheeks together so tightly I was walking like I was wearing leg braces. I raced walked to my door threw it opened and told my husband to "get out of the way!!!" He blocked me like a linebacker and said, "Does my honey bunny have to take a big dumpy wumpy?" Then he gave me a squeeze and a tickle ... and I exploded into my yoga pants and started crying. It took me days to forgive him.
"I Shit My Pants. Sorry."
Got food poisoning. Went to work. Threw up. While throwing up for the third time, I shit my pants. After laughing for a good while at the ridiculousness of it all, I waddled out to my supervisor and said, "I shit my pants. Sorry." And went home.
Chris Pratt
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Friend worked at convenient store. I'm riding with another friend and we visit the store to hang out. Standing by the front register, my friends are farting up a storm. I feel a little bit of one so I announce, "Hey guys listen to this!" Holding my arms out like Chris Pratt training raptors, I let loose. No sound comes out at all. Instead I feel I let loose something solid. The only thing I say after that is "Take me home" in an extremely sheepish voice. Friends crack up and I finally get home to clean up.
Poopy Shame
When my ex-husband and I first started dating, we were in the KFC drive thru and I woefully misjudged a fart. What should have been a dainty puff of air, quickly became a hideous and foul mudslide of shame. I burst into tears and yelled, "We have to go home. I just pooped my pants!" At the exact time my ex was placing our order. My poopy shame was broadcast loud and clear.
The Morning After
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I woke up with a solid poop in my pants. No pee.
Over the years I have come to only two conclusions. Either I was so drunk that I shit myself while peeing in a urinal at the bar and walked around all night or once I got back I was dying and my body was deciding which functions to give my energy to. Luckily my body chose breathing over holding in my turd.
Boxer Thief
Last time I shit my pants I was 20 at a party.
I had to fart and for some reason felt the urge to give it some power by forcing it out. I pushed with the force of Zeus and I shit myself. Automatically panicked because there was a girl there I liked. So I ran into the bathroom, took off my boxers (which were silk), and put them in the garbage underneath some toilet paper so no one would see.
Ended up spending the night and when I woke up the next day I went into the bathroom and was gonna grab my boxers to bring them home and they were gone. Somebody had dug through the garbage and stole my silk boxers with crap in them. I was so bummed out that I asked everyone who stole my boxers and basically admitted to shitting my pants. Never did find out who took them.
Soiled Pajamas
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My best friend once sharted in my pajama bottoms which I had given to her for a sleepover. I can't remember what it was that I said but she laughed her ass off, suddenly got all quiet and went: "I'm so sorry but I just shat in your pants."
We were 19 when this happened.
Doggy Style
I was a young boy, and I thought it would be cool to go poop like a dog in the backyard cause I had seen my dog go poop in the backyard! (Cause that's really cool.) So I pulled my pants down to my knees and tried to crap in my backyard, except my body awareness was terrible. I didn't hardly even squat, my knees were barely bent, and all the crap just fell in my pants that were hanging around my knees. I didn't even land any on the grass. I was so sad.
Shat His Whole Pants
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My dad was driving when he felt a fart coming on. He wanted it to ring through the car to have a good laugh about the loudness, because he was sure it was gonna be a loud one I guess. So he turned down the radio, put himself in a good position, gave a little push, and shat his whole pants. Embarrassed, he turned the car around and went home to change pants and underwear.
Now here's the strange part: He was the only one in the car.
Battle Scar
Once ate some funky Mexican and had the ability to fart on command for like two days. My sister was in the kitchen and I thought it would be funny to run in and do one of those "jump and click heels" maneuvers, but spice up the gumbo by letting a fart go at the moment of clicking.
Well, the up-jump went well, the heel clicking succeeded, and then I just straight up shit my pants. The shock of crapping myself sort of threw off my mojo and I fell without catching myself properly.
This resulted in me hitting my head on the counter and three stitches. Awkward scar to explain to people.
Cupped Fart
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Buddy of mine once tried to cup a fart in his hand, ended up shitting in his hand. Instant karma.
Warm Rice Pudding
About two weeks ago I was with my girlfriend and we were driving up the street to get a quick snack.
About one minute from home I felt a rumbling in my stomach like I was going to let out an awesome fart so I actually told my girlfriend this exact thing: "I apologize in advance but I'm going to let out a big one."
Well, little did I know, that instead of an epic fart that would have us dying with laughter, I shat myself. I totally knew I just shat myself cause I could feel what can only be described as a warm rice pudding nuzzled in my ass crack. Apparently Acai Juice gives you the shits and no one told me this before.
"Oh my god I just shit myself," I told her. Why did I tell her? I'm not sure, we must be in love in something. She definitely doesn't believe me but I tell her I'm dead serious and she has to help me get some pants before I go inside.
She keeps laughing about it which I find annoying. Anyways, she goes and gets me some pants and a cloth and I quickly change in my car before going inside. Later I find she ended up getting a huge bruise on her arm while getting me new pants when she fell forward onto the stairs from laughing so hard.
Oh and by the way, she still cracks jokes about it. So I may have to slip her some bowel movement stuff to even the playing field.
Lucky One
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I was walking down the hallway from our office to my bedroom, it was late at night and I just had on my boxers. I farted and a little nugget fell out onto the floor. It was hard so I was able to pick it up in one piece and it did not leave a stain on the carpet. I consider myself a lucky one.
Never Trust a Fart
The year is 2005. Batman Begins is rocking theaters everywhere. I, being 8 years old, was walking around Home Depot with my parents. This casual trip to the Depot was after a lovely Mexican food dinner. Keep in mind, I live in New Mexico. We are famous for extremely hot chili and copious amounts of meth. After consuming a chili riddled dinner, the stroll around the Home Depot was a gassy one. Because I was young I had not yet experienced what it was like to be betrayed by a fart. Walking through the toilet aisle I decide to let a fart out and make the aisle smell. Funny for an 8 year old, soon to be turned into a traumatic experience.
I shoot out a pleasing fart, but It didn't come alone. I suddenly feel my underwear encumbered with a heavy weight. Panicked, I waddle to the nearest restroom. I enter a stall and immediately remove my pants to survey the damage. It's a mess down there. It looks like dark smelly applesauce. I decide to remove the underwear and go commando until we go home. But I needed to dispose of the satanic mess that I've spawned. So naturally, I decide to throw the underwear into the trash on my way out. Only, they didn't quite land in the trash. I threw with my non-dominant left hand and covered the mirror and sink in a hot smelly mess that proceeded to smear everywhere.
I ran from the room as fast as I could only to bump into someone soon to enter what I had just created. I informed my parents and we left faster than I've ever seen my family move.
Scot-Free
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It's been awhile but the last time was when I was 9 years old in 3rd grade.
I had a fear of public bathrooms up until about 11 or 12 so I would hold everything in until I got home 99% of the time.
Well one day in class, I really had to take a hefty load off but I was petrified of using the restrooms so I figured I could hold it in. The 9 year old logic told me if I kept getting up and throwing stuff away I didn't notice I had to go as bad.
Well after about six times of getting out of my seat, my teacher yells my name and demands I stay in my seat the rest of the class. Well the yelling literally scared the shit out of my mid stride to throw something away in the garbage can. I froze. I felt it slowly birthing from my ass and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I slowly walked back to my seat only to have two small turds fall out from the leg hole of my shorts and roll onto the floor.
No one saw. I quickly picked it up barehanded and tossed it in the garbage from about 10 feet away. Thankfully it made it in.
About five minutes later people started complaining about the smell. My teacher called the custodian to come down try to figure out where it was coming from. Thankfully he arrived after school let out and I got away scot free.
Epileptic Poo Seizure
Last summer I went downstairs to go poop while my boyfriend was asleep early in the morning. He woke up 45 minutes later and noticed I still wasn't back, so he came down to check on me. Opens the door to me delirious and trying to clean the floor. Turned out I had a seizure while sitting down to go, (I have epilepsy) and shit all over the floor. It was like a freaking cow patty. He got me into the shower and cleaned it all up and then set me up on the couch. Also he chucked my slippers since I shit in those too. You know you're loved when they're willing to clean up your shit. We're still together ad very happy.
Chocolate Buttpiss
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Some time during my friends teenage years he was at home with his dad. His dad came out from a shower in his tighty-whities. He thought he would be a funny guy and hike his leg and fart at his son. So he hikes his leg, yells, "HEY SON!" and lets one go as his son looks over. He instantly destroys his underwear with chocolate buttpiss, cups his ass and runs back to the bathroom as his son is rolling on the floor laughing.
We're all adults: The 14 Types Of Farts That Will Ruin Your Day
