More Hilarious 'You Had One Job' Fails

October 13, 2015, 1:32 am

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The great American novelist Pearl S. Buck once said, "The secret of joy in work is contained in one word -- excellence. To know how to do something well is to enjoy it." Clearly the people responsible for the mistakes in the following photos are either unhappy at their jobs or, even more likely, are just complete idiots. But we'll leave that for you to decide.





















(via Izismile)

Don't worry, there are plenty more where these came from: The Official 'You Had One Job' Gallery

 

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Ladies, Your '90s Heartthrobs Are Old As Hell Now

October 13, 2015, 1:50 am

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Those were the days when you would go to the magazine rack and see all the hunky studs that girls would obsess over before cutting out their photos and pasting them in their lockers. Bad news though, ladies, your heartthrobs from the '90s are old as hell now. But we here at Mandatory still paste their pictures up in our work lockers. It's all about preserving tradition, and nothing else! Here they are, from oldest to less old.

David Duchovny (55)

He went from Agent Mulder on "X-Files" to the sexaholic writer, Hank Moody, on "Californication." And now he's playing a killer combination of the two on the new NBC show, "Aquarius." Duchovny also just put out his debut record, started playing shows, released a kid's book style novel with some adult language, and of course, he's coming back as Mulder in January. He's killing it now more than ever. Greying hair's been good to you, David.

Tom Cruise (53)

He was "top gun" in his day, still kind of is for his age, but Tom Cruise is far from Maverick after going through a failed marriage to Katie Holmes and coming out of the Scientology closet. People might think he's a little crazy, but he's just craziest enough to still be an actor who does his own stunts.

John Stamos (52)

Uncle Jesse is now a grandpa on the new fall show, "Grandfathered," a painful Los Angeles reality to probably a lot of people that nobody wants to see. Look forward to him reprising his role as Jesse Katsopolis on the long-held-off continuation of "Full House," where hopefully they get a PG-13 rating and we see Aunt Becky in the shower and Bob Saget talk dirty.

Rob Lowe (51)

He may be in his 50s, but he's still hanging onto that title of men who defy age. After wrapping "Parks & Recreation" last year, Lowe went on with his own fall show, "The Grinder," not to be confused with the popular app, Grinder, opposite of Fred Savage. No, Fred Savage isn't on Grinder. I mean, maybe he is, but that's not something we know. Anyways, it's been awhile since Lowe was on "The Outsiders" is our point.

Luke Perry (48)

In the prime of "Beverly Hills 90210," around 1993, Luke Perry was every girl's California dream. He went from a classic '56 Porsche Speedster to doing westerns and avoiding being a part of a terrible TV reboot.

Skeet Ulrich (45)

What can we say, some girls like the murdering type. He was the hit of the pop '90s horror flick, "Scream," as well as that other thing Neve Campbell did - "The Craft." Since then, he's been partial to the TV acting lifestyle, most recently of the "Robot Chicken" voiceover.

Jason Lee (45)

He was an aimless skateboarder who landed on "Mallrats" in the mid '90s, but now he's a driven, experienced man with several plans, including a book of photography, an endless catalog of "Alvin and the Chipmunks" voiceovers and a pretty cool new setup down in Texas after growing up in California all his life.

Kirk Cameron (44)

He might've been the lovable Michael Seaver on "Growing Pains" once, but now the only growing pains in his life are the rotten views on rotten tomatoes his terrible movies get. He's also a cult leader (probably). Surely he still has a best friend he call Boner though.

The Backstreet Boys (35-43

We went with Backstreet, only because they're older than N'Sync. We could never tell you which one was more painful to watch, or listen to for that matter, but this band's struggling attempts at a "band" reunion make their age a little more fun to play with. Spanning from 35 - they relied on Nick Carter to remain young - to 43, which is the direction the others lean, the boys are getting a little old for choreographed pelvic thrusts.

David Charvet (43)

One of many shirtless, red shorted crushes for the lady fans of "Baywatch," and it kind of makes you wonder where are they now. Don't look though, it's painful to find out about David Hasselhoff's failed spin-off series, failed music career and his Wendy's clip.

Jason London (42)

Randall "Pink" Floyd was his name, and football was his game, that is, when London starred in the summer loving hippy flick, "Dazed & Confused." That movie in 1993 was his first big break, but he did go onto a lot of TV guest spots and lesser known films. Last we heard, he was getting arrested and crapping himself in 2013. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Jeremy London (42)

Jason's brother, Jeremy, on the other hand hasn't hit anything big since the "Party of Five" days, except for a little time on "7th Heaven" and the upcoming "MallBrats" reboot. He has kept busy though, hopefully not shitting himself.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar (41)

He went from the lovable Zack Morris on the lovable show, "Saved by the Bell" to that other jackass on the cancelled attorney comedy, "Franklin & Bash." There's been some other TV and film work in there, but we think he's hoping for a "Saved by the Bell: The Old Class" to come around. Definitely not a future failed spin-off there.

Mario Lopez (41)

A.C. Slater was the musclebound jock who liked to flaunt his pecks, and nothing has really changed there. Now a host on "Extra," Maria lost the mullet and high-tops, traded them in for a fancy wardrobe and some cue card readin'! After graduating from "Bayside," it's been mostly TV for Lopez, starring in "Pacific Blue," "The Bold and the Beautiful" and some guest appearances on "Nip/Tuck." Stick with "Extra," Mario.

Barry Watson (41)

After leaving "7th Heaven" to handle some serious health issues, the former Matt Camden moved onto a short-lived "What About Brian" lead role before hitting up short arcs on shows like "Gossip Girl," "Hart of Dixie" and last year's "Masters of Sex."

Joey Lawrence (39)

One word: Wow! Lawrence is about to go over the hill next year to 40, and he's taking singing and acting - and...stripping? - with him as he continues as the lead, opposite of Melissa Joan Hart, on the aptly titled "Joey & Melissa." After airhead roles on "Blossom" and the Hanson of TV shows, "Brotherly Love," Lawrence, yes, got into stripping in 2012 at Las Vegas' Chippendales. Some might call that "manifest destiny."

Josh Hartnett (37)

He was every girl's dream, that was, until he learned how to grow creepy mustaches. After typecast teen roles like "The Faculty" and "The Virgin Suicides," Hartnett moved into compelling war films like "Pearl Harbor" - good segue between teen drama and war - and "Black Hawk Down," both in 2001. The last mainstream we really saw of him was 2006's "Lucky Number Slevin." Since then, it's been hush hush - save for "Penny Dreadful" - for the soon-to-be father.

Joshua Jackson (37)

He may not be that old, but he's far from the days of Charlie Conway in "The Mighty Ducks," the best Disney trilogy of all time. Though when he isn't keeping you in suspense in teen thriller dramas like "The Skulls" or making you weep as Pacy on "Dawson's Creek," he's part of fall TV, doing some of his best acting on "The Affair," opposite of Ruth Wilson, one of the hottest Emmy snubs on the planet.

 

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Guy Pranks Family By Putting 168 Rob Lowe Faces All Over House

October 13, 2015, 2:06 am

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Everyone knows that Rob Lowe has found the Fountain of Youth and he's keeping it to himself because there's no way any human looks the same every damn decade, and a family got to see just how much Lowe hasn't aged when they were confronted by 168 Rob Lowe's.

A guy decided to prank his family by leaving the note below, informing them that they had been robbed.



"Dear Parents, I accidentally left the garage door open after I went to go see Ted. When I got back home the whole place was robbed... I'm sorry, please don't freak out when you go inside..."

Well, the family had been "robbed," but not the way they thought; the family got a better surprise: a bunch of beautiful Rob Lowe heads covering up their faces.











Just like Rob Lowe, those pictures will live forever.

Via Imgur

A night with Nicolas Cage is pretty fun, too: Greatest Hotel Concierge Ever Provides Nicolas Cage Photos Per Guest's Request

 

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Guy Desperately Needs Mannequin Head For 'Science'

October 13, 2015, 2:26 am

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Aside from running a business that sells clothes, you probably wouldn't need a mannequin head unless you were a serial killer, but the guy below actually had a legit reason for needing a mannequin head.

All in the name of science, people:








Or maybe he wants to do his own version of "The Most Dangerous Game."

Via Tumblr

Weird science: 15 Of The Weirdest Science Experiments In History

 

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The Most Interesting Men In The World (For Real)

October 13, 2015, 3:50 am

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The man behind Dos Equis's "Most Interesting Man in the World" ads isn't really all that interesting. Truth be told, he's just an actor; one who definitely needs more work. But these men are some of the actual most interesting people of past and present.

If you're in need of some mentoring on what it means to be truly badass, get a dose of knowledge by acquainting yourself with the following real-life heroes.

Adrian Carton de Wiart

This Belgian badass served with the British Army during the Boer War, First World War, and Second World War. During his life he was shot in the face, head, stomach, ankle, leg and ear. He also survived two plane crashes, escaped from a POW camp, and once bit off his fingers when a doctor wouldn't amputate them. He wrote about his experiences during World War I, saying, "Frankly I had enjoyed the war."

Bernie Taupin

Bernie is someone you probably don't know about, but definitely should. He wrote the majority of the lyrics to songs by Elton John. Didn't you think for the longest time Elton John wrote "Rocket Man," "Tiny Dancer," and 'Candle in the Wind?" Nope, it was this secret lyricist who met John in 1967. As Rocket Man said himself, "Without Bernie Taupin, there wouldn't have been any Elton John at all."

Simo Hayha

Nicknamed "White Death," Finnish sniper Simo Hayha holds the world record for most confirmed kills at 505. Step aside Chris Kyle. (This was before advanced military technology.) He killed five soldiers a day between 1939 and 1940, blending in with the snow and even chewing it to hide his warm foggy breath. A Russian soldier shot him in the face, blowing his jaw off, but he lived until 96. When asked whether he regret killing so many people, Hayha said, "I only did my duty, and what I was told to do, as well as I could."

Roy P. Benavidez

On May 2, 1968, Benavidez saved the lives of eight men. A helicopter dropped him into enemy territory armed only with a knife. Twelve of his comrades were surrounded by 1,000 men. Later known as "6 Hours of Hell," Benavidez dragged the eight soldiers to safety after suffering a total of 37 bullet, shrapnel and bayonet wounds. He was pronounced dead, but as a doctor was zipping up his body bag, he spit in the doctor's face. He received the Medal of Honor.

Michael Malloy

Iron Mike as he was known was a homeless alcoholic living in Depression era New York. Five acquaintances of his plotted to take out life insurance policies on Malloy and attempt to kill him. But it wouldn't prove successful.

Here's what they did to try to kill Iron Mike:
-Gave him unlimited credit at a bar thinking he would drink himself to death
-Put antifreeze in his alcohol
-Substituted the antifreeze for turpentine
-Substituted the turpentine for horse liniment
-Put rat poison in his drinks
-Raw oysters soaked in wood alcohol (for some reason)
-Nope - a sandwich of rotten sardines mixed with carpet tacks and poison

Still, Malloy lived.

Nothing worked, so the five men tried to freeze him to death. When it was negative -14 °F, they made Malloy drink till he was passed out and carried him outside, dumping him in the snow and pouring four gallons of water on his chest. He showed up at the bar the next day ready to drink.

Next, they tried killing him with a 45-mile-an-hour taxi. But it only put him in the hospital for broken bones. And then the trick that did it: Putting a hose connected to a gas jet in his mouth while he dozed away to drunken dreamland. He was finally dead.

The five men were later caught and four of them were sentenced to death.

Witold Pilecki

Pilecki was a Polish soldier who volunteered to spy in an Auschwitz death camp to gather intelligence. In 1943 he escaped after nearly three years' imprisonment. His "Witold's Report" was the first intelligence report on the Auschwitz concentration camp and brought the Allies closer to defeating the Nazis.

Louis Zamperini

If you've ever seen "Unbroken," you know Angelina Jolie missed the boat. Besides being an American Olympian who shook Hitler's hand after a race, a prisoner in one of Japan's death camps, and an extreme alcoholic in his later years, Zamperini once punched sharks in the face when he was lost at sea for 47 days after being shot down during World War II. Japanese fighter pilots added to the problem shooting at him. I repeat, he punched sharks. In the face. Underwater.

Chuck Feeney

Chuck Feeney is a once-multi-billionaire who made his fortune setting up duty-free shops in airports across the world. By 1982, the year he decided to give everything away, he was worth $7.5 billion. Today, he is worth around $2 million.

Time Magazine said in 1997: "Feeney's beneficence ranks among the grandest of any living American."

C. Dale Petersen

In Jackson Hole, Wyoming, a grizzly bear met his match when he crossed Petersen. The bear was only one of two bears ever killed without the use of weaponry:

"It is known that this bear had been aggravated by a group of backpackers. Shortly thereafter, Petersen, unaware of previous happenings, came upon the bear. A fight-to-the-death ensued. Petersen, having his right hand and arm wedged in the bears throat, actually used his own teeth and jaws to pinch off the bear's jugular vein. When the bear passed-out from lack of blood flow to the brain, Petersen beat the bear upon the head with a stick."

BONUS: Nancy Wake, The Most Interesting Woman in the World

At the height of World War II, Nancy Wake was the Gestapo's most wanted person. They put a five million-franc bounty on her head. Between 1940 and 1943 Wake escorted hundreds of Allied solders through Nazi-occupied France and into Spain. She once judo-chopped a German guard to death. Seriously, that happened. "My hatred for the Nazis was very, very deep," she once said. The real-life Hollywood heroine died in 2011 at the ripe old age of 98.

 

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NYC Aunt Suing Her 12-Year-Old Nephew For Breaking Her Wrist With Hug

October 13, 2015, 5:07 am

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Nowadays, if anyone is so excited to see you that they want to jump in your arms and hug you, you should be grateful. Instead, a woman has decided to sue her own nephew after he broke her wrist while hugging her.

Jennifer Connell, a 54-year-old woman from Manhattan, is suing her 12-year-old nephew, Sean Tarala (who was eight at the time), for over $120,000 claiming he was "careless" and "negligent" when going to hug her, ultimately breaking her wrist.


"All of a sudden he was there in the air, I had to catch him and we tumbled onto the ground," Connell remembers of her encounter with the 50-pound boy. "I remember him shouting, 'Auntie Jen I love you,' and there he was flying at me." He should have probably broken the other wrist if he knew Auntie Jen was going to sue him.

Auntie Jen is such a great aunt that she didn't dare tell her nephew that he had hurt her because it was his birthday and she didn't want to ruin his day. So, she waited a bit before taking him to court. We need more people like Jennifer Connell.

Aside from dragging kids from the forest into her house made of cake, Connell reveals that life has been tough for her:

"I was at a party recently and it was difficult to hold my hors d'oeuvres plate...I live in Manhattan in a third-floor walkup so it has been very difficult," Connell said Friday at a court in Bridgeport, Conn. "And we all know how crowded it is in Manhattan."

Connell's suit claims "a reasonable eight-year-old under those circumstances would know or should have known that a forceful greeting such as the one delivered by the defendant to the plaintiff could cause the harms and losses suffered by the plaintiff."

Oh, and Sean's mom died last year, so Auntie Jen sure knows how to console her loved ones.

No word yet if Connell melts when you throw water on her.

Via Gawker

Auntie Jenn isn't the only crazy person out there: 10 Of The Craziest Lawsuits Ever

 

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Klay Thompson's Girl Just Outed Him For Cheating

October 13, 2015, 5:32 am

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If you're lucky enough to be able to get a ball into a hoop on a consistent basis night in and night out, chances are you might have a shot to date a super hot model. Golden State Warriors guard Klay Thompson was living that life until he blew it...by cheating on her.


Thompson apparently cheated on his now ex-girlfriend Hannah Stocking. Instead of singing Taylor Swift on her way out the door, Stocking instead decided to put Thompson on blast (I think that's the correct term; I heard it on "Basketball Wives") on Twitter.


Damn, Hannah. She wasn't done either, re-tweeting this:



And instead of burning all his game-worn headbands, Hannah did this:

How is "I want you to be my baby mama" the new way to compliment a woman?

- Hannah Stocking (@HannahStocking) October 7, 2015

And when these men tell u that they want u to be their baby mama they act like they just dropped a bomb Shakespeare love soliloquy. 😒✋

- Hannah Stocking (@HannahStocking) October 7, 2015

Back in the day didn't it used to be "I want to make you my wife one day" ? 😕

- Hannah Stocking (@HannahStocking) October 7, 2015

Smooth move, Klay.

Here are some pictures of Hannah from her Instagram. Say goodbye, Klay:














Via Sports Grid

Lesson: don't cheat: Victor Cruz's Fiancée Allegedly Bashed All His Sidechicks At Once In A Group Text

 

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The Hardest Partying '80s Athletes

October 13, 2015, 5:50 am

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Long before social media ruined the fun for Johnny "I Watch Football" Manziel, pro athletes used to really f--king enjoy themselves. A steady diet of hookers and blow seemed to be a vital part of any good '80s athlete worth his Courvoisier, and the public didn't have to know about it until an arrest was formally made.

Partying so hard can certainly take a toll. And if the guys on the list below are actually alive, odds are they could use a little pick-me-up. But since most these guys don't have nostrils anymore, the best we can offer them is an esteemed place on our list of the Hardest Partying '80s Athletes.

Wade Boggs

Generally speaking, guys with great staches greatly enhance both baseball and partying, which is exactly what Boggs did over the course of his stellar career. Boggs was arguably the best hitter in the bigs for the decade of the '80s, but there's no argument as to who loved Miller Lite the most. It's been rumored that on a cross-country flight, Boggs could take down between 50 and 60 cans of the horse piss, and that his personal best was 64 cans on one flight. He denies the exact number in this video, but still, if your beers-per-flight average is higher than most pitchers' batting averages, you're definitely someone I'd like to party with.

Lonnie Smith

You don't just break the Phillie Phanatic's ankles without being hopped up on something, and odds are pretty good Lonnie was hopped up on everything at the time. Add to that the fact that Lonnie is truly straight out of Compton, and there was a long history of the Phanatic giving Lonnie shit for his pigeon-toed habit of falling on his face, and you've got the recipe for a genuine mascot bludgeoning. Fortunately, Lonnie had a moment of clarity before he went through with his plot to murder Royals general manager, John Schuerholz. But those moments of clarity were few and far between during Lonnie's amazing playing days. He'd been known to do upwards of four 8-balls of coke in a night, enough to kill most normal men. But Lonnie was no normal man, he was an athlete, and as we're learning from this list, athletes can do more than you.

Andre the Giant

If you partied with Andre in the '80s, there's a good chance he drank you, too. He reportedly drank 16 bottles of wine before a match in Madison Square Garden. 75 beers in a night was commonplace for the spandex-stretching behemoth, 100 wasn't out of the question. 100 beers! I can't even afford 100 beers, but if I could, it would take me and ten sturdy friends an entire night to drink them all.

The '86 Mets

Sure, the noted coke "problems" of Doc Gooden and Daryl Strawberry count here. But if we're just talking about Columbian Dancing Powder, we're missing out on the feel good drinking story of the '80s too, thanks in no small part to Doc, Straw, Keith "The White Stache" Hernandez, Lenny Dykstra, Mookie Wilson, and the Scum Bunch, aka Danny Heep, Jesse Orosco, and Doug Sisk. It wasn't uncommon for the trainer to walk into the locker room and perform triage on the passed-out ballplayers who had emptied the clubhouse fridge the night before. But after a shot of B-12, a sixer, and some smokes, these guys sprang back to life.

Mike Tyson

In the photo above, there's a good amount of coke that didn't make it up Iron Mike's nose, and that's a waste. But don't worry, there was plenty more where that came from. Mike did so much blow, he had to pass his drug tests using a whizzer, a fake penis filled with clean urine. Well, however clean urine gets. But Mike didn't just party in all the conventional ways, he had his own unique way of having fun. In 1989, he rented out a zoo for date night with Robin Givens. At the gorilla exhibit, they saw an alpha male picking on the rest of the apes. So Tyson offered the zookeeper $10,000 to fight the gorilla! Sadly, the zookeeper had ethics, but still, if that's the kind of shit Mike does on date night, you can imagine how wild he gets on boys night.

Gary McLain

As point guard of the world-beating 1985 Villanova Wildcats, McClain was definitely the wildest of the bunch, and the highest. McClain admitted to snorting lines all season long, including before the team's Final Four game against Memphis State. Which is madness, of course. But booger-sugar-powered lunacy is what it takes to do rails before going to visit Ronald Reagan at the White House. Yes, that Ronald, the one who was married to "Just Say No" Nancy. At the celebration, McLain stood mere feet away from the president: "Thinking thoughts like, I could push him in the head, just a little tap, and make news all over the world. That's how high I was," McLain wrote in 1987. Yeah, that guy can party.

Lawrence Taylor

LT was always known for having a world-class motor. It turns out that motor was fueled by some seriously high-octane shit. Taylor's mesmerizing pro career ran on crack, upwards of one ounce per day during his heyday. But being a well-rounded athlete is all about cross training, and LT could do some drinking, too. On his draft day, LT reportedly downed 41 Coors Lights, the only thing he remembers about being drafted second by the New York Football Giants.

Scott Skiles

While at Michigan State between 1982 and 1986, Scotty "The Body" Skiles racked up three arrests. If you're a big-time college athlete, and a white one at that, it's hard to get arrested. Local authorities are usually fans of the team, and the guys tend to get away with murder (and rape). But Scotty managed to get popped on three separate occasions: for weed, cocaine possession, and a DUI. Now that's giving it the old college try!

John Riggins

The MVP of Super Bowl XVII racked up rushing yards and B.A.C. with the same tenacity. He had to hitchhike to the NFC Championship game because he woke up too hungover to make the team bus. He allegedly played a game while tripping on mushrooms (though I can't personally see how you could do anything but lay in a field if you happened to be on mushrooms). In 1985, at a congressional dinner at the National Press Club, the Redskins running back and Sandra Day O'Connor we're seated at the same table. Hammered, per usual, Riggo yelled across the table at the Supreme Court Justice: "C'mon, Sandy, baby. Loosen up. You're too tight." After some awkward silence, Riggins tried to get up and talk to O'Connor's husband, fell down along the way, and passed out under a chair. Riggo snored his way through Vice President George Bush's speech, before getting helped out by two People Magazine editors sitting at the table.

What's so great about this list is that the majority of the athletes above somehow managed to excel at the highest level, while getting higher than humanly possible. That just goes to show you kids, don't let anything stop you on your road to success. And if you can't overcome a hurdle, just find a controlled substance that will help get you there. Be the best you that you can be.

 

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Abigail Ratchford's Slow-Motion Bouncy Boobs You've Waited Your Whole Life For

October 13, 2015, 6:07 am

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Abigail Ratchford has given us countless sexy videos to be thankful for, but this slow-motion bouncy boob clip takes the cake (rivaled only by Lindsey Pelas). To say you've waited your whole life for this would be an understatement, as we're sure the higher power who created Abigail is still astounded by their own creation. This is the point where you watch the clip again, as we're sure you were smart enough to watch it before reading this.

 

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Dani Mathers Is Quite The Cocktail Tease

October 13, 2015, 6:18 am

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Dani Mathers, your 2015 Playboy Playmate of the Year, is back on the job with Skyy from Tipsy Bartender to tease us with some crafty cocktails. Today on the menu is the refreshing, yet pungent, Grapefruit Grotto Punch. If it sounds like a Playboy Bunny drink, that's because it is, as Miss May 2014 stirs up the light rum punch using Blackheart rum, ginger beer, champagne, grenadine and fresh produce including grapefruit, mint and strawberries. If you're a fan of crazy cocktails or just amazing cleavage in general, you'll do your best to watch this and take notes - mostly on how hot Dani is during the best four minutes of your week.

 

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Cyclist Slams To The Ground After He's Distracted By A Naked Photo Shoot

October 13, 2015, 6:46 am

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Regardless of how old you are or how mature you think you are, boobs will always distract you; it doesn't matter where you are, boobs will slip into top priority. And unfortunately, for the lad in this story taking a stroll on his bike, boobs were responsible for him crashing his bike.



Model Ana Pavel was walking along some train tracks in Dublin, Ireland, taking her top off as part of Miss Bikini Ireland 2015 hopefuls showing their support for Breast Cancer Awareness day. The hot, naked model proved to be too much for one fella, though, as her boobs distracted him enough to take a spill.

Take a look at the poor, horny guy circled in red who fell right in front of the train.


But you can't blame him...


You really can't...


Can't imagine what would have happened to him if he saw this scene:


Probably a stroke.

Via Daily Mail

It's just what we do: All These Guys Were Caught Checking Out Women

 

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Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive Emilia Clarke Flaunts Her Credentials In This Sexy Video

October 13, 2015, 6:59 am

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It should come as no huge shock that "Game of Thrones" star Emilia Clarke was voted 2015's "Sexiest Woman Alive" by Esquire. But if you'd still like to have your breath taken away, you should watch the following video, which features footage from her recent photoshoot with the men's magazine.


We've also included some of said photos below as a little added bonus to your already brighter day.





Related: Kate Upton Takes A Hot Outdoor Shower And Life Isn't So Bad Anymore

 

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This Battle Between Rat And Pigeon In New York Is Deeply Disturbing

October 13, 2015, 7:57 am

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I've watched quite a bit of MMA action, and can honestly say that this fight between a rat and a pigeon on a sidewalk in Williamsburg, New York, (reportedly from last summer) is more entertaining. And by entertaining I mean bizarre, disturbing, and ultimately more terrifying than any horror movie I've seen in the past ten years. Unfortunately for the pigeon, the rat played the role of Ronda Rousey in this epic match and showed it no mercy.

This is also scary: Check Out This Black Widow Fight A Scorpion

 

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Watch Stupid Dogs Try To Fight Windshield Wipers

October 13, 2015, 8:05 am

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I was once driving in a heavy downpour and my windshield wipers stopped working momentarily, and I thought I was going to die. I didn't, though, and I'm still upset a movie hasn't been made about that story of survival.

Anyways, everyone knows that dogs are oddballs, so here are some dogs attempting to duke it out with one of their archenemies: windshield wipers.


Me attempting to correctly install windshield wipers is a battle I will never win.

Dog vs. food: Watch This Golden Retriever Fail Miserably At Catching Food

 

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Florida Woman Periscoping Herself Drunk Driving Gets DUI

October 13, 2015, 10:27 am

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Who saw that coming, huh? When 23-year-old Whitney Beall of Lakeland, Florida, decided to take to the social media app Periscope and document her drunk-driving adventure home last Saturday night, things went ... well, pretty much like you would expect them to. After several of Beall's friends saw her stream, they decided it was best to do the responsible thing and call the police.


While Beall didn't specifically mention her location in her videos, Lakeland police acted quickly by having one of their officers download Periscope and make his own account in order to use visual landmarks from her stream to track her location and take her in. More clips from her live video can be seen below.


After failing her sobriety test and refusing a breathalyzer, Beall was arrested by Officer Mike Kellner and charged with DUI. After which, she was transported to Polk County Jail to think about what she'd done. Or, you know, sleep it off in hopes it was all a very stupid dream.


(h/t Someecards)

Related: Guy Takes Snapchat Selfie With Cop During DUI Test

 

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Today's Funny Photos

October 14, 2015, 12:23 am

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16 Products You Might Want To Buy Anonymously

October 14, 2015, 1:08 am

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If you find any of the following products appealing, you luckily have the anonymity of the Internet to protect you. From swine-flavored lube to a weird taco thing you masturbate with, these are so outlandish you might just want to buy one for a friend.

Fire in the Hole (Anal Itch Spray)

Real review: "I have had the worst itchy butt after back door loving or flaring roids! Fire in the Hole put out my fire for up to four hours and allowed me to get through most of my day before reapplying. I would suggest wearing a panty liner in the rear the first two times. Other than that I'm a happy customer."

Teddy Love Sex Toy

Real review: "Very weird, but very wonderful."

Baconlube

Real review: "What a bad idea to make Baconlube. Bacon is fairly slippery already, what with all the grease. Why sell a lube to make it more slippery? What's worse is that I couldn't even enjoy the bacon with all the lube on it; I really had to force myself to eat the entire package of bacon, which is normally not the case."

My Shiney Hiney: A Cleaning Brush For Your Butthole

Real review: "I got this for my friend as a gag gift, she is a total germaphobe and has to take a shower every time she goes to bathroom for #2. I didn't think she would actually use it, but she says she loves it. She still takes a shower after, but uses this to clean down there."

P-EZ Travel Urinal

Real review: "I can't believe there were no drips. Don't pee on concrete though, it may splash on your shoes. Also, I feel confident that if someone were to see me from afar, it doesn't matter because they would not suspect that a woman could be peeing standing up."

"Iron Grip" Small Condoms

Real review: "Finally there's something that fits! I'm not going to lie. I have a really tiny dick (barely 3.5 when hard and about as thick as a pencil) so thank god someone out there is looking out for the little guys. This thing fits like a charm. I highly recommend this if you're a little undersized."

Master Gauge Penis Pump

Real review: "This pump works perfectly. At 65 years of age, I use an injection about once per week. Since using this pump, the injection never leaves me sore. Also, using the pump seems to have added about 5% to my length."

The Tuggie

Real review: "I purchased the Tuggie, not as a joke, but as a way to keep my nether region warm in winter. If you live in a cold climate you know what it is like to feel a cold breeze blow through your pants, so I thought the Tuggie would work. What I failed to notice, however, is that the man pictured in the ad is not only very well endowed, but he also has an erection. When I tried to put it on I found that my entire package fit into the ball-sack area, and while this was nice and toasty, I didn't like having this long sleeve just hanging there lifelessly, so I put it away. Ironically I now wear it only in the summer so I use the empty shaft to hold my trail mix."

Coochy Shave Cream

Real review: "I've been using this stuff for years and my husband even uses it to shave his face. It's not only great shave cream but you can also use it as a conditioner (your hair comes out so soft) or when you pluck your eyebrows for instance, dab a little of this where you plucked and it takes the redness away!"

Sqweel 2 Oral Sex Toy

Real review: "Did not work. Did nothing but made things cold. It goes in reverse, which is horrible, like slapping the lady bean with a hockey stick at high speed over and over."

The Magic Stick Vagina Tightener

Real review: "Yes it works! I'm already small down there but so is my man lol so it made my V extremely tight but there is a strange paper like discharge the next day."

Fresh Balls

Real review: "My balls are fresh, a silky goodness like three angels holding my goods in their velvety hands. Angels with soft pudgy hands with no fingernails, no calluses, hands that have been used to pull rose petals and lavender for baskets upon baskets of smooth, downy, silky, heavenly freshness. My balls are fresh.

My friend Vince Roll declined this freshness, his balls are a mess of sticky, devilish, translucent tar, smells of old socks forgotten in sneakers that have been worn wet and put in a dark plastic bag. His musty odor of old love slaps him in the face like a scorned woman every time he takes a leak. The word rancid courses through his large head as he looks down in disgust."

Anal Eaze

Real review: "It worked great at first but then my balls got stuck in her ass. Had to go to the ER to have my balls removed. Thanks Anal Eaze!"

Blow Up Barack Sex Doll

Real review: "I give this blow up doll a 5/5. Mr. Barack Obama gives me several hours of great pleasure. Thank you."

Flat-D Flatulence Deodorizer

Real review: "First of all I just can't say enough about this product. It literally saved my relationship. My husband bought these for me for the bedroom, not in a kinky way. I literally have an extreme case of sleep flatulence. I then started to wear them out in the community. I often would get asked shortly after farting if I had a spare piece of gum. This gave me a thrill and a sense of under cover mission. People would inhale my minty gases and breath me deep into their lungs and never even know it. Also, they do work for animals. I created a pair of doggie underwear and she's as fresh as a sprig of mint now."

Paco's Taco Stroker

Real review: "Used it till I bled."

 

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13 Haunted House Employees Describe The Craziest Thing They've Experienced While Working

October 14, 2015, 1:35 am

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Going through a haunted house is obviously a terrifying experience, but working as one of the monsters in a haunt can be scary for totally different reasons. Who knows how frightened people are going to react or what someone might do after they've had a few drinks. We asked a few haunted house workers to share the craziest thing they've experienced while working on the job. Here are some of the best ones.

1. I've gotten punched before. Usually people will jump and scream, but everyone once in a while you'll get someone really good and they'll instinctively take a swing at you. I'm just glad it was a small guy that only landed his wild swing into my shoulder because it would suck to get knocked out while dressed as a zombie. You can't knock out a zombie!



2. I had a lady complain that I was being too scary. I was walking around in a scare zone and jumped out at her. I guess I got her good because a few minutes later she walked back up with someone from customer service saying that I should be removed because I scared her too badly. The employee was nice to her, but basically told her that's the point of a haunt. Some people.

3. One time a guy secretly brought a gorilla mask into the house and tried to jump out and start scaring people. He was either drunk or completely stupid because he would just lunge forward and yell "Me want banana!" into stranger's faces. Luckily security was quickly informed of his nonsense and escorted him out.

4. Oh man I was working at a haunted house a few years ago and the only thing that ever bothered me was when people would brings kids through. I know most have an age minimum, but I guess ours did not because it was smaller and personally owned. You never feel good about jumping out and scaring a crying child.

5. Soooo many big, macho guys come in acting like they're not afraid of anything and then end up screaming like a little girl. I've seen so many groups of bros wearing tank tops and looking like Axe Body Spray commercials come rolling in like they're invincible and get totally owned. It's awesome.



6. A creepy dude that was volunteering at the haunt (there are a lot more volunteers than you'd probably imagine) kept taking pictures of the girls working there. Not just in costume, but anytime they were walking by. I only worked the one year, but my friend went back the next year and said he was still volunteering there. Not sure if he still had his camera though.



7. You would not believe the amount of people that we've caught trying to sneak into a corner and make out or have sex. We have cameras everywhere so obviously we see them. The best is when they get offended when you have to come over and break them up. Then I'm apologizing to them for not letting them use the maze like it's a hotel room.

8. My best friend and I worked in a haunted house our senior year. He jumped out and scared this middle-aged guy that was walking through by himself. The guy barely reacted, but looked at my friend and said, "Dude that was so scary. Good job." Then he handed him half of a blunt and walked off. That guy was the coolest ever. And yes, we smoked it as soon as we were off work and it was really good stuff.



9. If you see a sign warning you that there's a risk of seizures, it's because someone has definitely had a seizure. I've seen it happen. If strobe lights bother you, then don't go to haunted houses. It's not worth dying over.

10. I never realized how many people literally pee their pants! I bet I've seen almost 10 people completely humiliated after going through a maze because they soaked themselves. Go to the bathroom before you do the haunt, people!

11. I was an evil scarecrow in a haunted corn maze a couple years ago. I jumped out and scared this couple, then a few minutes later the same couple came by again, so I scared them once again. The third time they came through the guy stops me and says, "Look buddy, I know you're just doing your job but we can't find out way out of this damn maze and I just want to get out of here and go home." I took off my mask and explained how to get out. I guess I just really respected his honesty.



12. One girl pooped her pants. It was during an early shift before I had come in, but it's all we talked about for weeks. You should get a bonus for making someone actually poop her pants.



13. A woman had just gotten broken up with and, for some reason, her friends thought it would cheer her up to walk through some haunted houses. Everyone felt bad trying to scare their group because she was sobbing and her friends kept saying things like, "Just forget about him, sweetie. Let's just enjoy this!" They really wanted to make sure they didn't lose the money they spent on tickets, I guess.

 

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10 Big Name Film Actors Who Successfully Switched to TV

October 14, 2015, 1:50 am

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In the forest of film acting, there are some actors who successfully make their way through to the other side that is television. From unlikely action heroes like Wesley Snipes to one of your favorite Bond Girls, there's a growing number of TV actors originating from film now that networks like Netflix, Showtime and HBO are getting movie style makeovers and bigger budgets. See if a few of these big name movie actors who switched to TV don't knock your socks off.

Wesley Snipes

Blade, really? One of the most unlikely actors to make the jump is the Demolition Man himself, Wesley Snipes. After packing in a number of '90s action adventures, including "U.S. Marshals" and the first installment of the "Blade" trilogy, Snipes has been fairly quiet, with his last major film credit being 2004's "Blade: Trinity." After serving up a three-year prison sentence for failing to pay his taxes, Snipes is back and hitting TV, starting with the Las Vegas crime thriller, "The Player," on NBC, created by the producers of "The Blacklist." Snipes - with his new do and nice suits - poses as an undercover pit boss, alongside Philip Winchester and the lovely Charity Wakefield.

Frances McDormand

Fresh off the Emmy-less Actors list, Frances McDormand - you may recognize her from "Almost Famous" way back when - is now TV's most compelling actress, winning this year's Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Limited Series for "Olive Kitteridge." McDormand was best known for her Oscar-winning role in "1996's "Fargo," another film adapted for the small screen.

Zooey Deschanel

Another "Almost Famous" actress who headed to the weekly scheduled episode life, Zooey Deschanel, got her start in the classic coming-of-age rock film first. Since a number of memorable roles like "500 Days of Summer" and "Elf," Zooey has become everyone's favorite Fox girl on "New Girl." In addition, she's also a wife, mother, rocker and philanthropist.

Kevin Spacey

From the misdirecting crime thrillers like "The Usual Suspects" and "Se7en" to poetic films like "American Beauty" and "The Life of David Gale," Spacey has always shown a flamboyant flair for the dramatic. And nothing serves as more dramatic than his role as President Francis Underwood in the political crime drama, "House of Cards," for which he's already been nominated several times for an Emmy and won a Golden Globe. Spacey has been hopping in and out of TV since the '80s, but his roles have become more regular since 2008 with "Recount."

Matthew McConaughey

What really sparked this movie actors turned TV star spectacle was the unexpected role of McConaughey in HBO's "True Detective" across from another big name actor, Woody Harrelson, for his wayward role as Rust Cole. Following up his 2013 Oscar win for the AIDS- ridden "Dallas Buyers Club," McConaughey was quickly nominate for an Emmy and Golden Globe for his role in "True Detective," a one-time role that was filled in by some of the next actors.

Colin Farrell

Trying to fill the big shoes of the first season, the underrated talent that is Colin Farrell was brought to life in his role of season two of "True Detective." After getting typecast as the hard ass cop - "Pride & Glory, "Miami Vice," "S.W.A.T." - Farrell mixed it up with his hilarious role as a horrible coke-snorting womanizer in "Horrible Bosses" in 2011 before jumping back into police work with "True Detective." His role on the HBO show gives a different perspective of Farrell: defeated, weathered, bad mustache.

Teri Hatcher

Before she was a desperate housewife (2004), she was a Bond Girl (1997). And before that, she was a guest star on "Seinfeld" - "They're real, and they're spectacular" (1993). Hatcher actually got her start in TV on "The Love Boat," followed by subsequent TV roles before hitting film. From 2004 to 2012, she returned to TV with "Desperate Housewives," and since then she's remained in TV, even if just for voiceovers.

Alec Baldwin

Much of his career has been a mix of TV and film, getting his start in TV in the early 1980s before getting thick with film in the '90s. But nowadays, Alec Baldwin is split fairly evenly, hitting up rom-coms like "Blue Jasmine" and "Along Came Polly," mixed with his heavily popular role on NBC's "30 Rock," as well as a fan favorite of "Saturday Night Live." Just recently, Baldwin exited "30 Rock" after its finale, moving into films like the new "Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation."

Jane Lynch

She didn't get into acting until close to 30 years of age, but Lynch has been one of the most consistently busy actresses since 2000, ranging anywhere from funny films like "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby" to "Role Models." Most of her roles were small guest spots on TV up until 2004's start on "Two And a Half Men" and 2005's "40-Year-Old Virgin" when she started getting offered larger roles, which led to her short-lived, but prized role on the Adam Scott-led "Party Down." That soon led to her 2009 jump back to TV as the awkwardly erotic gym teacher, Coach Sue Sylvester, on "Glee," where she remained until it wrapped up earlier this year.

Kevin Bacon

The "Footloose" man found his way from film to TV with "The Following" in 2013. After getting his start in 1978's "Animal House," Bacon moved around genres with "Friday the 13th," "Footloose" and a number of films from the mid-80s to the mid-00s before slowing down a little, which landed him back in TV just before shows like "True Detective" started welcoming film stars back to the regularly scheduled programs. Bacon can be seen in one of the most anticipated fall films, "Black Mass." Don't be surprised if you see more big name actors cross the line over to television.

 

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Danica McKellar Is 40 And Still Rocking A Bikini Like No Other

October 14, 2015, 8:32 am

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We love former "The Wonder Years" star Danica McKellar here at Mandatory. For all the sexiness she has at her disposal, she's a very interesting (and especially smart) person on top of it. Back in January, she turned 40, but as you can see from her latest Instagram photo posing poolside in a bikini, that hasn't effected her beauty one bit.

Relaxing... #bikini #nofilter #thisis40 #20percentexercise80percentnutrition #pool #stillsummerincali #sun #nottoomuchsuntho

A photo posted by Danica McKellar (@danicamckellar) on Oct 10, 2015 at 2:41pm PDT

Still not convinced? That's okay; Danica has plenty more attractive photos where that came from. We've included some our favorites below.

A photo posted by Danica McKellar (@danicamckellar) on Oct 5, 2015 at 8:18am PDT

A photo posted by Danica McKellar (@danicamckellar) on Sep 24, 2015 at 8:42am PDT

A photo posted by Danica McKellar (@danicamckellar) on Jan 16, 2015 at 5:37pm PST

Happy belated birthday, Winnie Cooper!

(h/t BroBible)

Related: 10 Actresses Who Have Gotten Sexier With Age

 

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