The Most Savage Insults In 'Bloodsport'

February 11, 2016, 9:50 am

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It's been 28 years since Jean-Claude Van Damme starred in the cult classic "Bloodsport" and wowed everyone with his jump spin kicks. And while the acting is among the worst that has ever graced the big screen, it's hard to forget the amazing insults that were uttered by the many memorable characters. From Ray Jackson to the iconic Chong Li, these characters seemed to be trying to one-up each other with their insults. Check out the best of them below:

 

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Dad Annihilates Kid With Huge Snowball

February 11, 2016, 11:40 am

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I don't know the first thing about raising a kid, and that's why I don't have any. But I'm pretty sure keeping them alive is number one on the list of being a good parent, and the dad in this video almost didn't follow that judging by the size of the snowball he threw at his own child.

Take a look at how much anger this dad had because no one helped him shovel snow (probably):


Guess there's only one thing to say:


Well, now the snowball makes sense: Dad Trying To Help His Kid In The Batting Cages Takes A Line Drive To The Nuts

 

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Guy Gets 'Check Ya Nuts' Mr. T Tattoo After Defeating Testicular Cancer

February 11, 2016, 12:02 pm

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If you beat cancer, you're pretty much allowed to celebrate in whatever way you want, and one guy went the "I'm going to get Mr. T tattooed on my arm" route. And it was the right choice.

Gavin Litchfield, 31, was diagnosed with testicular cancer last September and almost immediately had surgery. He is now doing well and is cancer free, but he wants to help remind other men to check their fellas down below, and he hopes his new tattoo can help with that.


Gavin got a fantastic tattoo of Mr. T's face with the words "Check Ya Nuts" on it, which is similar to what Mr. T says in a popular Snickers commercial ("get some nuts!"). Thanks to Gavin and his Mr. T tattoo, the Macmillan Cancer Support foundation has raised close to $1,500.


"If I can help someone else to get through what I've been through because of something as stupid as a tattoo, that would be amazing," Gavin explains."It was painful, but I didn't mind a bit of pain because I've been through a lot more pain recently."

Don't be a fool, check your boys more often than you already do.

h/t The Lad Bible

We pity these fools: 30 Terrible Face Tattoos That Guarantee A Life Of Unemployment

 

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Guy Pretends To Be Bouncer, Shows How Easy It Is

February 11, 2016, 12:29 pm

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The majority of bouncers I've encountered like to get off on the minimal amount of power they're given which offers as a distraction from how truly easy the job is. You pretty much stand outside in a black t-shirt that's two sizes too small and intimidate people. And the guy in this video pretty much nails how little skill it takes to be a bouncer.


And yet we will never know who he was talking to.

Here are bouncers doing what they love: Here's All The Crap Bouncers At A Canadian Nightclub Had To Deal With On New Year's Ever

 

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College Professor Asks The Most Hilarious Extra Credit Questions

February 11, 2016, 1:27 pm

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Taking a test is never fun, (unless it's a taste test at Baskin-Robbins), but since stuffing our faces with different samples of ice cream doesn't happen as much as we want it to, it's tough to find anything pleasant about tests. That is until you reach the extra credit questions in this professor's class.


Some hilarious extra credit questions of an unnamed statistics professor were revealed. And while they don't distract these students from the fact that they will never use this information in life again, it's still a pretty hilarious way to end a test. Check out some of the best ones below:












Going to assume this happens a lot in that class:


Via Imgur

Not as hilarious: College Professor Tortures Students With Cruel Extra Credit Question

 

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8 Valentine's Day Cocktail Recipes For You And Your Hot Date

February 12, 2016, 4:01 am

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If you aren't aware, Valentine's Day is on Sunday (so if you are in a relationship you better get aware!). While it's always nice to go out for dinner and a movie, sometimes it's best to just stay put at home and get romantic. And nothing gets the romance going like a good cocktail. Here are 8 tasty recipes for you to consider for your hot Valentine's date. Cheers!

Baker's Beau & Arrow

Created by top NYC mixologist Dominic Venegas

Ingredients:
1 part Baker's® Bourbon
1/4 part JDK & Sons™ O3
1/4 part Chili Liqueur
2 dashes Bittermen's Habanero Hellfire Shrub
2 dashes Chocolate Molé Bitters
Sparkling red wine or rosé

Method:
1. Combine Baker's® Bourbon, JDK & Sons™ O3, chili liqueur and bitters in a mixing glass with ice and stir.
2. Strain into a chilled coupe glass and top with sparkling red wine or rosé.
3. Garnish with a long orange twist.


Crimson Heat

Ingredients:
1 pt. 1800® Añejo Tequila
2 pts. Blood Orange Juice
Splash of Agave
Garnish with Chili

Method:
Add all additional ingredients to cocktail shaker. Shake and serve over ice. Garnish with chili.


EFFEN Vodka Grapefruit Bubbly

Ingredients:
1/2 parts EFFEN® Vodka
1 part Grapefruit Juice
1 part Prosecco

Method:
1. Pour all ingredients into a champagne flute.
2. Garnish with a lemon twist.


Frangelico Frizz

Ingredients:
1 part Frangelico
½ part SKYY Vodka
1 part lemon juice
½ part egg white
¼ part peach liquor
¼ part grapefruit juice
3 dashes Angostura Bitters

Method:
Vigorously shake all ingredients. Strain into a coupe glass. Garnish with grapefruit juice.


Rich Heart

Created by John Garda, Cedar Local, New York

Ingredients:
1 oz The Black Grouse
1.5 oz Owl's Brew The Smoky Earl
.75 oz Contratto Bianco Vermouth
.50 oz Lemon Shrub (White Wine Vinegar Base)
2 oz Dashes Peychauds
1 Dash Angostura Bitters

Method:
Build all ingredients in a mixing glass and stir with ice. Strain into a rocks glass filled with ice. Garnish burnt rosemary sprig rested on a lemon wheel.


Rose Red

Ingredients:
2 oz. Hangar 1 Straight Vodka
1 oz. Bianco/Blanc Vermouth
1 tsp. Pomegranate Grenadine

Method:
Add all ingredients in a mixing glass. Stir briefly with ice andupe or Nick & Nora glass. Garnish with a brandied cherry.


The Smoked Blossom

Created by Dudley Delhagen, 2015 DeKuyper® Cocktail Master

Ingredients:
1 part John DeKuyper & Sons™ Fleur Elderflower Liqueur
2 parts Connemara® Irish Whiskey
1/2 part Fresh Lemon Juice
1/2 part Simple Syrup
2 dashes Orange Bitters

Method:
Combine ingredients in a mixing glass with ice. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a lemon twist.


Basil Hayden's Spiced Cranberry Valentine

By Dominic Venegas (New York, NY)

Ingredients:
1 ½ parts Basil Hayden's® Bourbon
½ part JDK and Sons™ O3
4 dashes Angostura® Bitters
Sparkling Wine
7 Cranberries
Dash Fresh Grated Nutmeg
Dash of Cinnamon

Method:
1. Muddle 4 cranberries in a cocktail shaker.
2. Add Basil Hayden's® Bourbon, JDK and Sons™ O3, Angostura® Bitters, cinnamon, nutmeg and ice.
3. Shake and strain into a champagne flute.
4. Top with sparkling wine.
5. Garnish with the remaining cranberries on a skewer.

 

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Today's Funny Photos

February 12, 2016, 4:03 am

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Friday AND funny photos? Is there anything better? Short answer: no. Long answer: heeelll no. So get to laughing so you can squeeze all of those LOLZ in before the weekend hits.

Follow Mandatory on Twitter.










Follow Mandatory on Instagram.








More funny photos on Mandatory.

 

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The 10 Most Offensive Jokes You Will Read Today

February 12, 2016, 4:07 am

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People become outraged by just about everything these days, and most of the time it's for no good reason. But then you read these jokes from around the Internet that are obviously OK to hate. Seriously, if any of these memes don't make you instantly cringe, then you're not someone who gets unnecessarily offended by just any old joke, and we commend you for that. Still, prepare to feel very, very wrong.




















Via eBaums World

Related: The Most Offensive Reality Shows

 

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Who Is Saint Valentine?

February 12, 2016, 5:00 am

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Valentine's Day is arguably the most commercial of holidays. It's also believed to be some evil, covert money-grab manufactured by Hallmark. Obviously, these assumptions aren't true, because Valentine's Day is still a holiday regardless of the fact that stationery stores are closing left and right in successful malls. What is true about Valentine's Day is the fact that the holiday was, according to legend (and National Geographic) built on the foundation of irresponsible pagan partying. As was Halloween, but we're months away from that being relevant.

How Valentine's Day Became A Romantic Holiday... Through A Very Dark History

As mentioned above, Valentine's Day wasn't exactly a holiday based on love and affection for another person. The holiday originated from a celebration that actually lacked any and all romance. On February 15, Romans would conduct an annual pagan festival known as Lupercalia, which was commemorated by men parading around town nude with goat or dog skin whips in tow, which were used to spank young women in hopes of increasing fertility. Make sense? Of course it doesn't. No ancient origin story does.

This celebration was held every year on February 15 and was celebrated well into the fifth century A.D.

After Christianity was legalized in the Roman Empire, Christians tried to put an end to the celebration but instead chose to compromise, insisting the holiday become Christian property. With that, the church honored the festival by naming it after Saint Valentine. Why him? We're getting to that.

According to legend, in the third century A.D., the Roman emperor forbade young men to marry in hopes of building a more aggressive army. To this, Valentine said, "f*ck this guy," and performed marriages in secret. But as is custom with most rebels, he was eventually apprehended. For breaking the law, Valentine was beheaded on the date that is now known as Valentine's Day. So romantic!

How Valentine's Day Cards Became The Signature Gift

The first Valentine's Day card was reportedly sent way back in 1415 from France's Duke of Orleans to his wife while he was a prisoner in the Tower of London. This card was merely a handwritten love note to the wife he missed very much back home. During the Revolutionary War, Valentine's Day cards, which were also just handwritten notes at the time, gained mass popularity and by the early 1900s, the cards we're more familiar with today were being produced nationwide. Hallmark got in on the action in 1913.

What's Cupid's Association With The Holiday?

Cupid is actually the god of love. I didn't know this. I just figured he was some Santa-like entity in the form of a baby with wings. But his story is much more complex than this. Known as a mischievous, winged child with arrows that struck humans and made them fall in love. He was the son of Venus, the goddess of love.

Legend states that Cupid fell in love with a woman known as Psyche, who, unlike Cupid, was a mere human. Venus, Cupid's mother, was jealous of Psyche's beauty, telling Cupid he must punish her. Instead of committing to said punishment, Cupid only fell deeper in love, taking her as his wife with one stipulation: because he was a god, Psyche couldn't look at him.

Things were going well until Psyche's sisters asked that she defy the rules and take a peek at her husband. For giving into her sisters' request, Cupid left Psyche and took all of their mutual property with him. Chasing after Cupid, Psyche stumbled upon the temple of Venus. Bitter and eager to kill her for defying the gods, Venus gave Psyche a series of impossible tasks, the last of which was to deliver a box to the underworld to collect the beauty of Proserpine (wife of Pluto), and put it in said box that she was told to keep closed.

Again, Psyche took a peek when told not to, and paid the ultimate price, dying on her journey.
Moved by Psyche's love for Cupid, the gods -- including Venus -- decided to make Psyche a goddess in her own right.

Related: 10 Weirdest Valentine's Day Gift Ideas

 

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What Crappy Song Has Been Stuck In My Head This Week?

February 12, 2016, 5:26 am

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Another week, another terrible song stuck in my head for the past few days that I just have to share with you. Give it a listen and get it stuck in your head, too. Misery loves company.


That's right, friends. For reasons I can't explain, I have been singing "U.N.I.T.Y." by Queen Latifah in the shower and around the house all week. Mostly just the chorus and not the rapping parts, but enough to make my wife want to kill me. Enjoy!

More: This Crappy Song Was Stuck In My Head Last Week

 

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Playboy Cover Model Sarah McDaniel Distracted Stephen Colbert With Her Top That Refused To Stay Up

February 12, 2016, 5:53 am

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Now that Sarah McDaniel is gracing the cover of Playboy's first ever non-nude issue the media has been giving her tons of attention. And one of those media stops was at "The Late Show With Stephen Colbert." And while McDaniel was promoting Playboy and their non-nude issue, it seems the top she was wearing didn't agree with all this non-nude hoopla.

Check out the video below that includes Colbert asking McDaniel if he could get her some duct tape for her situation:


Oh, and McDaniel also taught Colbert how to take a proper selfie. But something distracted us, too:


h/t UpRoxx

Did Playboy make the right decision? This Flowchart Determines Whether You Should Take Nudity Out Of Your Magazine

 

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This Picture Of Doppelgängers Spotted On A London Train Is Mind-Blowing

February 12, 2016, 6:22 am

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I don't know how I would react if I ever bumped into someone looking exactly like me, but the two women in this photo don't exactly look too excited to have been seated right next to their doppelganger.

While on the London Underground, fellow commuter Sophia Sleigh noticed two women sitting by each other that looked just like each other; down to their outfits, their mannerisms and even to what they were reading. Check out the fantastic picture below:

Did a double take on the tube tonight. Matching shoes, Disney bags and newspapers! Love it #Londonpic.twitter.com/FZSVmt32Gh

— Sophia Sleigh (@SophiaSleigh) February 11, 2016

No word yet if the two women who look exactly alike, and exactly like math teachers, would give you a pop quiz just because they are related.

h/t Mirror

And sometimes it happens in planes: Guy Meets Stranger On Plane Who Looks Exactly Like Him, Takes Amazing Selfie

 

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These 12 People Shared Their Worst Road Rage Experiences

February 12, 2016, 6:50 am

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Everyone has had a bout with road rage in one way or another. Whether you were on the giving or receiving end of it, surely you realize how scary it can be to lose control. Fortunately, it can also be quite hilarious, too, which the good people on Reddit were quick to point out in the following road rage tales.

Going Bananas
I saw a guy get so mad at another driver that he got out of his car and charged towards the other guy's car furiously and just smashed the banana he must have been eating right onto the window.

Chili Out

My roommate in college was coming back to the apartment from being home for a few days. He enters the door covered in chili. Apparently, a truck driver cut him off and he thought the best idea was to throw his mom's chili out the window at the f**king truck. He said he got a lot of it on the windshield of the truck, but it wasn't his brightest idea.

Beads of Strength
My friend used to keep a bag of BBs in his car and would toss a handful at the windshields of anyone that pissed him off.

Time to Get a Gun

On a side road coming up to a main road with a downslope to the left. Looked left, looked right - nobody coming. Pulled out, looked in my rearview mirror and there was a beatup pickup riding my bumper. I sped up, the asshole sped up, and we were doing nearly eighty with the guy inches away, whipping the steering wheel back and forth. We got to a major intersection, and he yelled "Are you stupid or crazy?" and raced off. That's when I bought the Glock.

Panic Rage
I was trying to park in a very narrow garage. Had only been driving a week. Couldn't reverse park, so drove in forwards. It was a back street and cars were starting to queue up as I was taking so long.

I raged so hard at myself that I kinda just crunched it in, first dismounting the front corner of the bumper which I then had to duct tape up until I could afford to get it repaired, then crunching and scraping the side of the car.

Minivan Madness

My dad has quite a temper. It was a warm Saturday morning and he was driving me the ten minutes it takes for us to get from our apartment to my job downtown. We're in his black 740 cruising in the middle lane and notice a blue minivan weaving back and forth through the minimal traffic. He was blocking most of the lanes but we zipped passed him, which angered him. He gets right up close to the car, pacing us, sees me and starts licking the glass and basically making it look like he's jerking off towards me. Pop roared like a bull and the minivan stops gesturing and speeds up. Pop speeds up and cuts him off, so the minivan is honking and screaming out the window when we hit traffic. Pop lowers the shade to the back window and pops the trunk, where his metal bats are. Minivan backs up, takes the nearest exit cutting off many cars. I'm sitting in the passenger seat like what the flying f**k. It all happened in less than five minutes, this crazy ass guy in a minivan with four car seats in the back (empty thank god) in a three piece suit acting a fool.

Catch Up and Slipper
I don't have a worst, but I saw a guy pass a car only to pull over and throw a slipper at it as they passed.

Legit Freakout
A couple years ago, I was at a stop light. It turned green, but there was a police car with its lights on that was heading toward the intersection. The guy in the car behind me was freaking out that I wasn't going. At first they honked furiously, then they got out and started screaming obscenities at me. The police car had to weave around stopped cars, so this went on for a little while. The guy got back in his car and bumped my bumper and laid on the horn.

Finally, the police car passes and we move up to the next stoplight. The guy pulls up beside me, which made me pretty nervous. He honks his horn and signals for me to roll my window down. I'm looking around trying to figure out if I can run the red light to get away, but I can't. I'm female and I was alone. It was late at night. I was ready to piss my pants. I decided that the best way to diffuse the situation was to just roll my window down and try to calm the guy down. Before I even say anything, he says to me "Oh my god, I'm soooo sorry. I didn't see the cop there." WTF, man...

F**king Dick

Some guy kicked a dent into my tailgate.

F**king dick.

No Joke
This asshole cut me off before we got onto a major freeway and pissed me off. Somehow I ended up in front of him and to get back at him I would drive slow in the fast lane when there was someone beside me then speed up once I passed that person to get to the next car, where I would proceed to drive slowly again.

This went on for like 5 minutes before the dude got really pissed, and whipped around beside me. He was incredibly pissed. He rolled down his window and was yelling at me, but I just gave him a shit eating grin, because it was honestly hilarious. Now, I'm a scrawny guy that drives a 2003 Pontiac Sunfire (I don't have power windows so I couldn't engage in his banter), and this guy was some oil rigger in a pickup trunk, so I think he felt like he needed to assert his masculinity or something. He started throwing shit at me he was so pissed. At first it was rocks, but then he picks up a tire iron and threatens to throw it at me. I was basically shitting myself at this point so I stopped trying to piss him off and got off on the next exit.

Learned a lesson and now I generally don't try to piss people off while driving anymore.

Hockey Tryouts

I was a few cars back, but there was an impatient taxi driver who was sitting behind one other vehicle at a green light. They didn't hit the gas the second it was green, so the cab driver honked his horn. The first driver got out of his vehicle, opened the trunk and took out a hockey stick before smashing the shit out of the window of the cab driver.

Oh, Canada.

Up and ATM
A freezing cold Tuesday morning, this girl cut me off going into the drive thru ATM, so I parked and walked to the walk up ATM. Right when I was about there, she hopped out of her car (while it was in the drive thru line) and put her ATM card in. Something in me went f**king nuts and I let her have it. I screamed at her, saying how rude she was and that you can't get in the drive thru ATM, leave your car in line and use the walk up ATM. I got back in my car and got behind her in the drive thru line and blared on my horn while she was still at the walk up ATM.

Related: 16 Uber Horror Stories As Told By The Drivers

 

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Georgia Man Was Masturbating When He Crashed His Car

February 12, 2016, 7:33 am

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When it comes to showing the world that you make poor choices in life, you would be hard pressed to find something more embarrassing than owning a Saturn Ion.

But crashing that shitty car because you were too busy jerking off would certainly do the trick.

According to The Smoking Gun, a 63-year-old man from Martinez was arrested Monday morning after he rear-ended a Chevrolet Astro Van because he was "physically distracted."


Police said when they arrived on the scene of the accident, Ricartia McBride told them she had seen Donald Johnson "swerving and driving recklessly," so much so that he almost hit her van at least two or three other times before the crash.

McBride told police the last time she looked over at Johnson, "he had his penis exposed outside of his pants and was physically masturbating."

Johnson was charged with following too closely and public indecency again. That's right, kids. This wasn't the first time Mr. Johnson decided to punch his clown while he was behind the wheel. Police busted him for the same thing in 2008, although it's unknown if he wrecked somebody else's vehicle or his pants that time around.

Hey, women do this stuff, too: Woman Too Busy Using Sex Toy In Traffic Crashes Van

 

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Ranking Who Should Die In The Second Half Of 'The Walking Dead' Season 6

February 12, 2016, 7:50 am

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"The Walking Dead" fans have no doubt heard by now that the Season 6 midseason premiere is going to be a bloodbath. Frankly, it's a long time coming, as there are a number of characters we are just downright sick of. Like, a lot. So in order to thin out the pack while keeping the show as interesting as possible, here are the people that need to go by season's end. They don't all have to die in the premiere, but if they could, that would just be terrific.

#10 - Eugene

Have we seen enough of how useless and pathetic this dude is to realize that it's time for him to get the axe? Sure, he's the funny guy, but this isn't a f**kin' comedy. Besides, in horror movies, the comic relief never makes it out alive.

#9 - Morgan or Carol

These two are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to dealing with dangerous threats. But you know what? We're already tired of the argument, so whoever wins this pissing contest is right and the other should die. This zombie-infested town ain't big enough for the two of them.

#8 - Daryl

Daryl (who was never a part of the comics the show is based on) has been stealing story lines from other prominent characters since day one, rendering said characters such as Tyreese and Abraham essentially useless. Time to steal a prominent character's plot that would actually make a huge impact since they already screwed that up pretty badly. Or, compromise -- take one damn shower.

#7 - Sasha

As in slowly losing her mind, ticking time bomb, lays on top of dead bodies Sasha.

#6 - Abraham

As in slowly losing his mind, ticking time bomb, screams in zombies' faces Abraham.

#5 - Spencer

If there is any justice in this world, not only will he be brutally murdered, but eaten alive by his zombified mother Deanna.

#4 - Ron (a.k.a. that f**kin' terrible kid)

As long as he takes care of #2 first, of course.

#3 The Wolf

He himself knows that he should be killed. So KILL HIM ALREADY!!!

#2 - Carl (a.k.a. Coral)

Because he's the worst (well, second worst now).

#1 - Sam (a.k.a. that other f**kin' terrible kid)

Who would have thought there would ever be a character worse than Carl? Of course, he'll be kind of hard to kill what with his constant cowering and all.

Remaining expendables who aren't nearly as annoying:

Father Gabriel

He's no threat, but he's no loss. Seriously, Judith could kick this wuss' ass.

Tobin

You might be asking yourself, "Who the f**k is Tobin?" Well, we are here to tell you that he's the best damn Pointless Guy #8 this show has ever had.

...just kidding, he sucks. He's surely toast.

Enid

If she chooses to go off on her own, she's dead. If she decides to be smart and stay, she might live. We're comfortable either way.

Eric

Eric! Remember? That guy we saw once, then never. The guy many have described as "Aaron's boyfriend, who..." and then they get silent because they can pull on no other information to finish that sentence.

Heath

Love us some Heath, but he's the new Jack Bauer. Like it or not, he gone!

 

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This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets

February 12, 2016, 7:55 am

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Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.

Follow @robfee on Twitter.

lady gaga was more relatable when she was wearing meat because I can't afford versace but I can usually afford meat

— Spencer Niemetz (@SPENCERcNIEMETZ) January 29, 2015

Aladdin: I can show you the world.
Jasmine: *pushes Aladdin off magic carpet, travels the world, gets a cool job/apartment, writes a book*

— Bree Essrig (@BreeEssrig) September 22, 2015

Interviewer: what are your strengths?
Me: covering up my fat with a snapchat caption, being late, stalking pretty girls on social media

— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) January 30, 2016

There's no uncreepy way to eat alone in your car.

— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) May 24, 2015

Am I...are we... is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

— JAY [ham] KAY (@NurseMurderer) March 10, 2013

The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it and I deserve better.

— Andrew Michaan (@AndrewMichaan) January 14, 2016

who the HELL decided that guys get soft little shorts as underwear and girls get decorative bungee cords

— bad cat (@kittaveli) January 12, 2016

Found out where my taco went. pic.twitter.com/LLRdl1bFHQ

— ghost mom (@radtoria) January 29, 2016

If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime" just say "I'm ready to hang out right now" and watch them panic

— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) January 24, 2016

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: "This isn't deodorant."

— Ste(ph)en (@stephenjmolloy) January 27, 2016

My new startup identifies urban foragers and aggressively provides them with microloans.

(I'm throwing pennies at the rats in my alley)

— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) January 9, 2015

ah okay. good thing i read the description of this youtube video. thought for a second xxdragonblade96 owned the rights to eleanor rigby

— rob whisman (@robwhisman) January 20, 2016

We're gathered here today to celebrate the life of a great man &, due to a scheduling error, also hold a darts tournament in the back corner

— Barndog (@BarndogKarck) July 2, 2014

BOY: I wish more girls liked video games
GIRL: I like video games
BOY: no you don't. fuck you. what's the length of Mario's inseam.

— Albro (@bromanconsul) January 21, 2016

#FeelTheBernpic.twitter.com/kIOR7QA3pg

— confirmedcuck (@KaylinJonesy) January 29, 2016

self checkout?! gotta check items out myself?!! self checkout what's next??! what's next do i get a job?!! do i get a job and support myself

— tara shoe (@tarashoe) January 29, 2015

police also found a small bag of weed weighing 95 lbs. Some would call it a large bag but to me, the coolest reporter alive, its no big deal

— Mike F (@animaldrumss) February 12, 2014

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven't been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) January 15, 2016

"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) January 9, 2016

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You're free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

— It's Abby. Yep (@abbycohenwl) February 15, 2015

Want more? Check out last week's hilarious tweets.

 

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Weird News: Ukrainian Woman Sprays Breast Milk In Effort To Break Up 14-Hour Meeting

February 12, 2016, 8:01 am

≫ Next: Can You Spot The Former Marine In This Picture?

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If only Vlad wouldn't have eaten all of the cookies during the eighth hour.

According to the Daily Mail, a Ukrainian woman who was fed up with a dull meeting that had gone on for more than 14 hours decided to take matters into her own hands.

Or I guess we should say "breast."


"I can't take no more, I want to go home. Declare a break!" the woman shouted before spraying breast milk on one of her coworkers.

While one man decided to move his laptop out of range, another tried to prevent the milk from spraying his colleagues by putting his right hand in the line of fire. He was then seen shaking the milk off his hand before grabbing the microphone to make an announcement.

The clip cut out before we got a chance to hear what he had to say, but our guess is that he told his coworkers that neither bullets nor breast milk would deter him from his ultimate goal, which of course was to get a Pepsi machine and lower cigarette prices in the break room before summer.

We could be wrong, though.

That's weird. This milk tastes human today: Woman Lifts Dress At Work And Fills Milk Carton With Breast Milk

 

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Can You Spot The Former Marine In This Picture?

February 12, 2016, 8:41 am

≫ Next: Weird News: Tennessee Man Caught Urinating In Walmart While Stuffing Trout In His Pants

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See if you can spot the former Marine among the overly excited nurses...



Sometimes being surrounded by a bunch of women isn't all that fun. The expression on the former Marine's face pretty much confirms that in this picture. You can just tell he's questioning all his decisions.

Via Tumblr

Everyone has their reasons: Soldier Reveals The Real Reason He Joined The Army And It's Hilarious

 

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Weird News: Tennessee Man Caught Urinating In Walmart While Stuffing Trout In His Pants

February 12, 2016, 8:51 am

≫ Next: Valentine's Day Through Every Phase Of Life

≪ Previous: Can You Spot The Former Marine In This Picture?

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Is that a stolen package of trout valued at $130 in your piss-soaked pants, or are you just happy to see me?

According to The Leaf-Chronicle, a 56-year-old Clarksville man was arrested on the afternoon of February 11 at a local Walmart after employees caught him urinating on the floor in the alcohol section while attempting to stuff a package of trout in his pants at the same time.


Police said David Wylie admitted that he "indeed urinated on the floor" and consumed alcohol, but he didn't seem too concerned about the charges of public intoxication, indecent exposure, vandalism and shoplifting because they were all "only misdemeanors."

Police valued the trout Wylie attempted to shove down his drawers at $130 and the vandalism at just 10 bucks, which is probably the amount of cash the store paid the kid on duty to mop up his piss.

In a related story, never settle for the manager's special on trout. There's always a good reason why it's suddenly 80 percent off.

Here's why Uncle Jeff can't fly on JetBlue anymore: Some Dude Peed All Over Passengers On A JetBlue Flight

 

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Valentine's Day Through Every Phase Of Life

February 12, 2016, 10:00 am

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The big day for lovers is this weekend. Are you excited? Are you lonely? Are you about to blow a lot of money for no reason? Depending on how old you are, your answer will be different to all three of those questions. Let's take a look at Valentine's Day through every phase in your life.

 

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