In some relationships people realize that they make better friends than lovers and end things on good terms. Sometimes they'll even be closer friends after the breakup. That's always a nice thing. Unfortunately, not all relationships end that way. Some end horribly and one or both parties end up bitter and angry. A the good people of Reddit asked users to share their craziest stories of dealing with an insane ex. Here are some of the best.
1. Salad Dressing
My first boyfriend tried to convince me he had slashed his wrists because I wouldn't take him back. The "blood" was very obviously Catalina salad dressing.
2. Secret Ingredient
I once dated a girl who hid butter in all my food because I once told her I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight. She proved me wrong. REALLY wrong.
3. Ninjas
My ex-girlfriend was legit crazy. She thought there was a "second spirit" named Shu Dragon living inside of her (along with several others with names like Flame Ace, Silver Fang, etc.). She thought her family was ninjas. She would pretend to cough up blood and say that it was because her ninja uncle hit her in the stomach. When we passed by a closed-down Wal-Mart, she said it was closed because her and her father were fighting in there.
4. The Vampire
Knew a guy who dated a crazy girl. They broke up after she went to college and she called him one night, claiming that she had been bit through radio waves by a vampire who lived 6 states away. So, naturally, now she was one too and could never turn back.
5. Pregnancy Test
My girlfriend told me the week before I left for college that I got her pregnant, knowing that we were not going to date long distance. She sent me a picture of a stock photo of a positive pregnancy test that she cropped. I literally just Google searched "Positive Pregnancy Tests" and it was one of the first images to pop up. I made her come over and take another one. It was negative. She left.
6. BFFs
When I broke up with my ex, he became so hysterical that the only way he would "let" me leave him was if, after the breakup, we continued to be best friends. Not just any kind of best friend, either. He wanted me to still come over for "sleepovers" and share his bed with him. He told me that any other guy I dated after him HAD TO BE 100% OK with this or else I couldn't date that guy.
7. The Hacker
My ex (I was 18, he was 23) figured out my password to my T-Mobile account online. He went through all my text messages/phone call logs, texted everyone whose number he didn't recognize and demanded everyone who wasn't family or a friend who he knew of to "stop talking to his girlfriend and leave us alone." I eventually ended it because he kept leaving the toilet seat up anyway.
8. The Incest Fest
I started dating a guy named Josh who had a VERY close relationship with his sister. I'm an only child, so I spent months trying to figure out if I was overreacting, asking other people if they thought my boyfriend and his sister's relationship was normal or not. The first time the sister came to visit Josh at University, she ignored me, spent all her time with her arm around him, giggling and whispering into his ear ... sitting on his lap ... people were approaching me and asking me who Josh's new hot girlfriend was.
9. Back in the Friend Zone
I un-friendzoned this guy once. The first 4 weeks we were dating, he told about how he's going to marry me, make me have his children, tried to force me to wear a G-string, started naming our future children and he also wanted to tattoo my name onto his chest. He couldn't afford it, so he carved my name onto his arm with a knife instead. To this day, he still has my name there.
10. Hmmm ... I Wonder Why We Broke Up?
Mine emailed me last night, over a year after our breakup and one day after his 'heartfelt apology': "In my dreams, I see myself spitting in your face and crushing your esophagus with my bare hands."
11. Sexy Cheetah
Ex-girlfriend tried to hit me with her car. Chased me down an alley that was enclosed in a high fence on one side condos on the other. Proceeded to call me next day at work and tell me that I looked like a sexy cheetah running away from her car.
12. The Incest Fest, Part II
One of my exes was convinced that I was cheating on her with both my mother and sister, so whenever I spent time alone with either of them I was bombarded with text messages and phone calls. When my mother, sister and I went on a family vacation to New York City, she was insistent that I sleep on the hotel's fire escape because she thought I was going to have sex with them.
13. Surprise!
My ex-girlfriend was waiting for me in the living room about 4 days after we broke up. I forgot she had the second key to my apartment. She had a cup of wine in her hand and a giant knife. I ran for my life and called the police. They got there in time and arrested her.
14. Sign on the Dotted Line, Please
Well, it's kind of a funny story: My first real "girlfriend" preceded our relationship with rules and regulations like it was an iTunes license agreement.
- Under no circumstances was I to surprise her at home, work or anywhere, regardless of the reason. No surprise dinners, no "boo!" scares for fun, nothing.
- When out in public, no public displays of affection. No hand-holding, no kissing, no arm around her, no hugging. We had to walk beside each other like we were brother and sister.
- We worked in the mall, at different stores, and during times when our shifts matched up, we had 15 minutes or prearranged time together. No less, no more, and it was to be at whatever time she visited. Under no circumstances was I to visit her at work earlier, later, or otherwise not prearranged.
- During sexytimes, it was missionary, her on bottom, me on top. No thrusting, just "put it in and lay there". No fingers anywhere on her body, no foreplay on her at all.
- Also during sexytimes-and this "rule" is the one that surprises people the most because of how ridiculous it is-when SHE thought it was time for me to, er, finish, SHE would roll over on her side and say "go finish up in the bathroom." She was outright disgusted by it, and under no circumstances was my "love" to get on her or around her.