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After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they'd start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
- Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) November 11, 2015
You know "sea foam" is technically whale piss, but yeah this bridesmaid dress is great
- ceeks (@70Ceeks) March 15, 2015
Genie: I'll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That's very nice of you
- Gαbby Durαn (@GABBYdaAngSaya) October 16, 2015
In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. "I wish he'd die," says Cupcake. They all nod.
- ghost sauce (@yerpalmildsauce) June 24, 2015
Damn girl are you from Tennessee? Because you have several outstanding warrants from the Tennessee court system. Step out of the vehicle
- pharmaCODYnamics (@RxitWounds) March 2, 2015
I follow a British radio station on Facebook because their relatable memes make no sense to me as an American. pic.twitter.com/PaNxW8k9j9
- Rich McCarthy (@Rich_McCarthy) November 7, 2015
WIFE: why is the visa bill so high? ME: remember we talked about europe this summer? W: omg- M: now we can talk in a sweet ass dune buggy
- lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) April 2, 2015
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet? Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more
- It's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) October 11, 2015
[Podcast] Me: Lets go to the phones Caller: This is Rick from CVS Me: Hi Rick always good to meet a fan Rick: Yea. Your ass cream is ready.
- Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) October 19, 2015
[t-rex getting lucky on first date] girl: aren't you gonna take my bra off? t-rex: *sweating* let's just keep kissing
- a bird (@i_eat_fruit) June 2, 2015
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
- Brad Gage (@bradgage) November 16, 2015
[Eulogy] I can still hear his last words. "I'm *chokes back tears* I'm gonna try and put my hat on that bear."
- Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) October 8, 2014
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken ME: So what happens now? D: We put in a cast & it'll recover naturally HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
- Jon (@ArfMeasures) June 16, 2015
This Uber driver is making me nauseous. Because he got me pregnant one month ago
- Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) October 14, 2015
Are you guys gonna enjoy your weekend I'm not I'll probably obsess over the problems I create in my mind then maybe eat something I regret
- AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) November 7, 2015
Aren't boobs neat? My boobs are so neat! Now that I have your attention, black churches are being burnt down and no one seems to notice.
- Mel Gabor (@melgabored) July 1, 2015
People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to STFU. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.
- ghost mom (@radtoria) October 21, 2014
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
- Tom (@tomcashgent) May 22, 2015
wife: Can't we just buy a bigger catflap? me: [buttering the cat] We're not made of money, Karen
- Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) June 12, 2015
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn't make the shampoo
- cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) November 3, 2015
"hey kanye this song is called monster?" yeah jay, it's- "SASQUATCH, GODZILLA, KING KONG, LOCHNESS" wait jay what r u doing "GOBLIN, GHOUL,"
- BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL) June 9, 2015
Want more? Check out last week's hilarious tweets.