Crappy Celebrity Books That Never Should Have Been Written

Let's face it, when you see a book written by a celebrity, you're not expecting the Great American novel. Many times we wonder how or why did it even get published in the first place, since more than half of these people probably didn't write a single word. In fact, I'd be surprised if half of them even know how to read their own book. Anyway, these titles should've never been made.

Sarah Palin "Going Rogue: An American Life"

No coffee table ornament could be better than the autobiography of a runner-up to the runner-up of the 2008 Presidential Election Sarah Palin. A number-one bestseller in its day, Palin used the book as a platform to talk about herself and the future she wants for her country. But the real kicker is she wasn't afraid to call out the people who didn't help her campaign, including John McCain's advisor and media hosts like Katie Couric. But what's worse is her daughter Bristol's book, "Not Afraid of Life".


David Hasselhoff "Making Waves"

The Hoff, formerly known as Hasselhoff, has been making waves since before most of us were in diapers. You're still in diapers? Oh. Well, adult diapers or not, you'll shit when you see what the Hoff is cooking up in his book, "Making Waves". It's really just an autobiography -- that reads about as convincingly as his Wikipedia page -- about his life in show biz, Princess Diana's death and the spinoff failure that was "Baywatch Nights". The book is an "unintended telling" of the actor's moderately bleak existence. Even he might be bored to tears.


Tila Tequila "Hooking Up With Tila Tequila: A Guide to Love, Fame, Happiness, Success, and Being the Life of the Party"

She may be a stunner to some, but Tila Tequila is far from being a great American author, though people do love their smut in hardback from time to time. Besides an overstretched, over-hyped title, the book is an ineffective guide to anything its title proclaims. We're just not sure Tila is the best advice giver for such things. But if you're into compromising yourself for fame, becoming a self-proclaimed "slut" - the word is used repeatedly - or finding new go-to jerk-off material, this might be just right. Just don't give it to any young impressionable kids.


Macaulay Culkin "JunIor"

It may look like a novel, but up close it's another failed attempt by a childhood star trying to remain in the limelight. Outside of starting a band, picking up a few drug addictions and not following up his classic "Home Alone" film with much of anything, we instead get quizzes, sentence fragments, tortured drawings and amateur poetry. Sure, "Home Alone" remains a classic to this day, but this is definitely not.


Nicole Richie "The Truth About Diamonds"

This modern-day Cinderella story, of sorts, set in Hollywood seems like a worthwhile tale, at least until Cinderella has a few run-ins with the police and a couple stints in rehab. The book title's aims are questionable. Really? "The Truth" about "Diamonds"? Ridiculous. But then again, that's no surprise coming from "The Simple Life" co-star and BFF-half of the '00s biggest paparazzi target Paris Hilton, whose book "Confessions of An Heiress" is just as mind-numbing, except that she actually is an heiress and is fairly hot, which is more than we can say for this budding co-author.


Britney Spears "Heart to Heart"

This 2000 autobiography details the life and family of the young MTV pop starlet -- and pretty much reads like a marketing tool to keep up with her "America's sweetheart" image. It's equipped with lots and lots of sugarcoating, dreams-come-true rhetoric and smoothing over rough patches in her life, her relationship with her "mama", even her love life, without much rockiness. Keep in mind this was written six years before her infamous head-shaving and umbrella swingin' meltdown, wich would've made a better read -- maybe she should've waited to write, perhaps? Instead, we get this underwhelming cotton candy fluff.


Larry The Cable Guy "Git-R-Done"

This flash-in-the-pan hillbilly sure didn't last too long on the pop culture radar, but he managed to squeeze a book in there in the meantime. While that freaking title is an eyesore, inside is supposedly a "politically incorrect" book about America. Well, that sounds just great, especially since he's the kind of guy that would pen "Boogers Are Good Eatin'" in high school. Jokes about fat chicks, beer drinking and liquid diets - no, not those liquid diets - plague the pages of a would-be consistent comedian, if he were to give a good name to the sleeveless flannel. Wear it proudly, Larry. By the way, no one wants cable anymore.


Flavor Flav "The Icon The Memoir"

It's hard enough to understand when he speaks; now we have to try and read his so-called writing? A former member of Public Enemy and a fancy bling-loving, drug-using reality star, we could appropriately re-title this book "Confessions of a Famous Crackhead." Its scatterbrain contents mirror those of a true crackhead, so in a way, it's a genuine depiction of William Jonathan Drayton Jr. (yep, that's his real name) and his extended version of "Best Week Ever."


Vanna White "Vanna Speaks"

The woman who has never uttered a word on national television for decades seems to have channeled it all into a book. And here we thought she was just a pretty face who touched letters. This game show celeb has been at it on "Wheel of Fortune" since the early '80s, and despite a gleeful foreword by Pat Sajak - it's not a dirt-spilling memoir, thus a waste of time if you want to dig any deeper behind the fame - we can't seem to understand why she would get a book published when she could just speak.

 

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