13 Common Life Occurrences That Have Made You Question If You Can Ever Murder Someone

April 21, 2016, 9:50 am

≫ Next: Prince Dead At 57

≪ Previous: Elaine From 'Seinfeld' Actually Dated Both Walter White And Saul Goodman

$

0

0

I know the majority of us want to believe that we are civil, patient human beings who would never take a life. That may be true, but it is quite tough to not at least consider it when people do the awful things they do. That's why the life occurrences below sometimes force you to think of the unthinkable: murder.

Holding the door open for someone and not receiving a "thank you."

Saying "thank you" can save your life. Just saying.

Getting cut in line.

A long, slow line is filled with people ready to erupt. So just wait your turn.

Having a text message wake you up.

If you want to see if a person is capable of murder, just wake them up when they're in a deep sleep.

When someone takes the last free sample.

Savages.

When they put an empty milk carton back in the fridge.

Well this is a quick way to learn if you have anger issues.

When two families decide to stop in the middle of a busy street to "catch up."

Give me patience, lord.

When you get a "K" back after texting a novel.

"I even added the appropriate emojis, you ungrateful jerk."

When you step in the dog shit that your neighbor never cleans up.

Oh great, now you're a suspect when your neighbor goes missing.

When someone swipes through your pictures without your permission.

This should be a crime.

That shopping cart that happens to be in the only available parking spot.

My appearance on "Forensic Files" is coming soon.

Waiting an hour for your food, and it arrives cold.

Just make sure to flee to Mexico when you do the deed.

Not being able to hear anything on the drive-thru intercom.

"I said extra bacon, you mongrel!"

When the call disconnects after being on hold for over an hour.

An hour of listening to Kenny G on a loop for nothing!

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

---

Prince Dead At 57

April 21, 2016, 10:10 am

≫ Next: It May Take You A Second To Get This Flintstones Joke, But It's Worth It

≪ Previous: 13 Common Life Occurrences That Have Made You Question If You Can Ever Murder Someone

$

0

0

More terrible news today.

While we are still shocked by the death of former WWE wrestler Chyna, it is being reported that another famous and iconic figure has passed: legendary musician Prince.


Multiple sources close to the singer have confirmed that he has passed; his body was found at his Paisley Park compound early this morning. Prince had recently been in the hospital with flu-like symptoms, but he appeared at a concert just the next day, confirming that everything was OK with him.

Prince became a superstar after his album "1999" was released, reeling in seven Grammys in his career and selling over 100 million records. Prince also had an Oscar on his mantle, winning Best Original Score for "Purple Rain" in 1985.

Rest in peace, Prince.


Via TMZ

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

It May Take You A Second To Get This Flintstones Joke, But It's Worth It

April 21, 2016, 10:48 am

≫ Next: This Poor Woman Needs To Get Better Friends To Sign Her Cast

≪ Previous: Prince Dead At 57

$

0

0

There are tons of funny sidewalk signs out there, but some sign writers really do their best to get a chuckle out of you, even if you have to read it over twice (aloud) to really get it.


Still funnier than this:


Via Imgur

Didn't need these: 18 Of The Dumbest, Most Unnecessary Signs Ever Created

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

This Poor Woman Needs To Get Better Friends To Sign Her Cast

April 21, 2016, 11:11 am

≫ Next: Probably The Most Exciting Track And Field Announcing You Will Ever Hear

≪ Previous: It May Take You A Second To Get This Flintstones Joke, But It's Worth It

$

0

0

It sucks breaking a bone. Those who have never tried it, eh, I wouldn't recommend. But if there is one upside to such an injury -- and there may only be one -- it's the outpouring of support you receive from friends and family in your time of need. Even something as simple as a friendly "get well" written on your cast can go a long way. Other forms of well-wishes aren't quit as uplifting, though.


Look on the bright side: At least she'll never know what complete a-holes people can be (until she sees this on the Internet, of course).

(via Imgur)

There's just no escaping jerks no matter who you are: This Jerk (Hero?) Referenced 'Billy Madison' To Adam Sandler In The Worst Way Possible

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

Probably The Most Exciting Track And Field Announcing You Will Ever Hear

April 21, 2016, 12:41 pm

≫ Next: Minnesota Auto Body Shop Owner Reportedly Gave Employees Bonuses In Meth

≪ Previous: This Poor Woman Needs To Get Better Friends To Sign Her Cast

$

0

0

We have got to find a way to get these two to call a sport that matters.

When you see the words "Irish Universities Athletics Association and Women's 4x400-meter relay final," they're usually followed by something to the effect of, "Who gives a shit?"

But in this case, not only does this clip feature the IUAA 4x400 meter relay final, but it also comes along with some of the most exciting announcing you will ever hear in any sporting event much less women's track and field. I mean, anytime you hear an announcer scream at the top of his lungs that somebody has come "from the depths of hell" to win a race, you know you've just witnessed something special.

And if that brilliant commentary did nothing for you, then hopefully the young lady's face plant at the end did.

h/t VICE Sports

That's going to leave a mark: Probably The Most Epic Track And Field Fail Ever

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

Minnesota Auto Body Shop Owner Reportedly Gave Employees Bonuses In Meth

April 21, 2016, 1:07 pm

≫ Next: Brainless Activists Free Ostriches From Circus, One Dies After Being Hit By Car

≪ Previous: Probably The Most Exciting Track And Field Announcing You Will Ever Hear

$

0

0

Well, statistically speaking, roughly 47 percent of those employees were probably thrilled about it.

According to The Smoking Gun, the Minnesota River Valley Drug Task Force is investigating a 40-year-old auto body shop owner after one of his employees told them his bonus this year came in the form of meth instead of American currency.


Workers at Clear Choice Auto Body Repair in Mankato were called into a meeting earlier this week, and that's where each of them was allegedly given "approximately one half gram of methamphetamine as a bonus" by owner Jesse Michael Seifert and his girlfriend Nancy Jean Loehlein.

Drug agents raided the body shop Wednesday afternoon and found "used syringes which field tested positive for the presence of methamphetamine" as well as a "digital scale containing methamphetamine residue."

Officials said the investigation is still ongoing and more charges against Seifert are pending. And we say "more" because he was arrested on an unrelated driving charge prior to the raid and booked into the Blue Earth County Jail because of it.

Hey, if you've been searching for somebody who's had a worse week than Johnny Manziel, you can stop looking.

Meth is a hell of a drug: Weird News: Man In Clown Suit Arrested For Smoking Meth At Waffle House

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

Brainless Activists Free Ostriches From Circus, One Dies After Being Hit By Car

April 21, 2016, 1:45 pm

≫ Next: Chanel Renee Jansen Is A California Ace Turned Vegas Queen

≪ Previous: Minnesota Auto Body Shop Owner Reportedly Gave Employees Bonuses In Meth

$

0

0

The ostrich is a flightless bird native to Africa. Munich is the third-largest city in Germany.

Now, we're not sure what several imbecile animal rights activists were thinking was going to happen when they broke into a local circus and freed two ostriches and a goose from their trailer, but odds are they weren't going to sneak away to a beer garden for a few steins of Hofbräu and live happily ever after.

Well, according to The Local, pretty much the exact opposite of that happened when one of them died after being hit by a car Monday night.


Police suspect that three men and one woman were behind the break-in on the land where Kaiser Circus and its 80 animals called home. They think the activists made their way to the trailer where two ostriches named Nala and Zawo and a goose named Fred were housed and unscrewed the hinges on the door sometime around 9 p.m.

The birds then escaped into the night, but their "freedom" was only temporary, as Nala was...wait for it...involved in a fatal hit-and-run shortly thereafter. The other two birds were later captured, but since German laws state that ostriches must be kept in pairs, there is a good chance that Zawo will now have to be "put down."

Wow. What activism!

Again, we're not sure what the activists were thinking the end result was going to be here, as you have to think that even if they would have hitched a ride back to their native habitat in Africa, odds are they would have been devoured by either a lion or cheetah within the first week.

Here's how activism is supposed to work: Activist Known As 'Wanksy' Draws Penises Around Potholes To Get Them Fixed

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

Chanel Renee Jansen Is A California Ace Turned Vegas Queen

April 21, 2016, 1:56 pm

≫ Next: Today's Funny Photos

≪ Previous: Brainless Activists Free Ostriches From Circus, One Dies After Being Hit By Car

$

0

0

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

---

Today's Funny Photos

April 22, 2016, 4:21 am

≫ Next: 10 Life Lessons Learned From A Tinder Survivor

≪ Previous: Chanel Renee Jansen Is A California Ace Turned Vegas Queen

$

0

0

Friday. Funny. Photos. Three words that go together better than pizza and beer. And if you add pizza and beer to the mix, it's the greatest five word combination in the history of the written word. So enjoy the greatness and we will see you on the other side of the weekend.

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

10 Life Lessons Learned From A Tinder Survivor

April 22, 2016, 4:50 am

≫ Next: This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets

≪ Previous: Today's Funny Photos

$

0

0

It's been awhile since I've given unsolicited advice, and now I'm about to give you some hard truths. Between the PTSD (Post-Tinder Stress Disorder) and the constant nightmares, I've managed to wrangle some decent advice for myself, and now I'd like to better your reality by sharing a few Tinder survivor stories. For your children, and your children's children, I hope these hard life lessons of a Tinder survivor find you before it's too late, lest your life will end in an aggressively hilarious Tinder battle.


1. You can't juggle as well as you think, clown.

One of the biggest mistakes of any serial dater is thinking they can compartmentalize the back stories and shared stories of each person they go out with. Sure, it might be easy at first, but the further down multiple rabbit holes you go, you start to realize you have no idea what the hell you're talking about. Between forgetting what one girl does for a living and telling another the same story for the fifth time thinking it's original, you start to lose your charm.

Keep it simple, and by simple we mean funnel all your resources into a single person who will get undivided attention. Don't you just hate it when people ask for your "undivided attention"?

2. Even the sweetest are a little sour.

No one in that kind of place is all goody two-shoes, no matter how convincing they may seem. At least one of those shoes is made for stomping out hearts, metaphorically I hope. You wouldn't meet Miss Perfect at a monster truck rally, would you? No, no. That girl has a screw loose somewhere. Check your environment and ask yourself, "Would my mom want to know I met my girlfriend here?" Your mom would probably have a coronary if she knew where you were pulling these girls out of the Tinder trash. Go to church and meet a nice girl.


3. You shouldn't have to convince somebody of your worth.

What kind of car do I drive? A four-wheeler, hunny. What kind of car do YOU drive? There should be no person or thing that makes you feel unworthy, if you like who you are. Don't go changing to appease someone you might not remember the name of in a month. Keep doing you the best way you can and eventually somebody will take notice. We don't need more of the same down-the-middle schmohawks out there driving BMW four-wheelers because someone told them to.


4. We see right through you. Everyone does.

"As a vegan, I just think..." usually prefaces something unrelated to dietary restrictions. People love to slip in awesome facts about themselves nonchalantly, thinking we won't notice. Well, you're wrong. It's the only thing we noticed during that whole diarrhea-of-the-mouth moment you just had, wasting our lives. I just met you, so how could I possibly care if you're vegan. People think saying that shit makes them sound better, when actually it makes them sound worse. Sue telling you she's vegan tells you something very different about Sue than the fact she's vegan.

5. Don't trust someone you just met so much.

Oh wow, we both like live music, hate rap, smoke weed and love to have sex naked! How crazy is this? It might blow your mind, but of the some odd billion people on this planet, there's a good chance you're going to find someone cute who likes and dislikes a lot of the same surface-level topics. Doesn't mean it's love, bro. Give it two months and see just how well it's working then, but don't pressure her for anal just yet or you'll never know for sure.

6. Everybody is capable of anything.

Again with the trust, don't put so much faith in someone you just met. Why? I'll tell you why: Anybody who walks into Tinder has either experienced serious heartbreak and therefore trusts no one (including you) or they're completely unlovable and have gone to the most casual place for breaking hearts. You may think they're incapable of breaking your heart, burning down your home or burying your cat alive, but you might be wrong. Even the ones you'd bet the house are winners have a trigger, and it usually has something to do with commitment issues.


7. If it hasn't happened in a couple weeks, it's not going to.

In the simplest way I know how, I'll say that if you're still convincing someone to go out with you weeks later, it's not happening (this, again, also applies to anal). The "I wore you mother down incessantly until she caved" old-fashioned days are gone. Now, that's just considered sexual harassment and Instagram stalking. You're a keeper, kiddo, and if you have to convince someone of that, they're not worth it. And if you do convince them, think of how awkward it'll be when you do go out and rehash about how much you had to verbally molest them to go out in the first place.

8. You can only show so much interest before looking desperate.

Never text more than twice at a time and keep it short. Let me be clear: Quit trying so hard. Better yet, quit talking so much. Keep it brief and to the point (something I clearly struggle with in this long, excessive entry). Leave a little room for mystery and curiosity. If you text too much, ask them out too often or throw rocks at their window every night, that doesn't give them much chance to miss you or wonder where you've gone (or who you're boning). Space makes a world of difference.


9. Your puppy photos aren't fooling anybody.

Guilty. Your dog may be your best friend, but that doesn't mean you should lure in a strumpet with a weakness for dog bait by using a myriad of canine companion moments. There's an excellent reason for this: She'll obviously love the dog, and you'll always come in second. Get a cat and let it claw out her eyes before she can break both your hearts.

10. Sometimes you're better off going it alone.

Some things just aren't for everyone, no matter how much we want them to be. It's just not natural: forced moves that were never in the cards. And we all know what eventually happens to a house of cards once you've built it high with no reasonable foundation other than getting laid on the reg. Speaking of which, who the hell wants someone next to them when they're watching "House of Cards"? Leave me the hell alone!

Good luck...

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets

April 22, 2016, 5:50 am

≫ Next: These Unlikely Celebrities Are Best-Selling Authors

≪ Previous: 10 Life Lessons Learned From A Tinder Survivor

$

0

0

Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.

Follow @robfee on Twitter.

"this mans been stabbed. Call 911!"

Me: [types into group chat] lol someone just got stabbed here

— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) April 8, 2016

[7:30pm]
Tonight I'll actually go to bed on time and get sleep!

[2:30am]
the most money ever paid for a cow at an auction was $1.3 million

— Phil Stamato (@pstamato) April 5, 2016

Had a random number text me. I can't cut his hair but I really needed to tell him about my pancake. pic.twitter.com/DljGnOds4Y

— Mariel Salcedo (@MarielSalcedo) April 9, 2016

When you're alone all the time: pic.twitter.com/5ifBBSxkv3

— kelsey darragh (@kelseydarragh) April 2, 2016

Oh no, someone forgot to turn the cool sign on pic.twitter.com/UJQE0zMKea

— yuck boy (@zzap) April 5, 2016

One day my son will ask me about the Lip Sync Battle craze and The Iraq War and it'll be easier to explain Iraq.

— Burny Slanderz (@MrAlexisPereira) April 9, 2016

"Do you like Tolstoy?"
"Of course. Who doesn't?"
"What's your favourite book?"
"The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him".

— GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) April 8, 2016

the baby is finally sleeping. what a precious little angel. okay time to go jack off in the basement

— keith buckley (@deathoftheparty) April 10, 2016

🎶 Life is like a Holocaust

Here in Trump Burg!

Racist walls and gender wage

It's a Trump blur! 🎶 pic.twitter.com/dOisvuHNLK

— Brian Altano (@agentbizzle) April 10, 2016

Still keeping the dream alive! pic.twitter.com/eufSuNtgps

— Jay Duplass (@jayduplass) April 2, 2016

casual sex is just like regular sex except i'm not wearing a tuxedo

— MILTRON (@themiltron) April 9, 2016

Current Mood: Taylor Swift Bodyguard pic.twitter.com/6EA2BXShcY

— Lon Harris (@Lons) April 3, 2016

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you're making the best mistakes possible.

— rats in paradise (@NicCageMatch) April 5, 2016

check out this stellar review for my gynecologist pic.twitter.com/6bYK82xQkA

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) April 8, 2016

I will flat out not accept a food going bad in my fridge, I paid 79 cents for that boring ass vegetable 200 months ago & will die eating it

— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) April 7, 2016

A good prank is a bunch of fake snakes and one real snake.

— guterman (@danguterman) April 1, 2016

these are my two favourite pens pic.twitter.com/lrIy9WMvkR

— k e i t h (@KeetPotato) April 1, 2016

same. pic.twitter.com/ZElsC5pMHV

— Amanda Morones (@MandaOhDang) April 9, 2016

*air drums the drum break from in the air tonight* anyway i'll have u on the weekends and u'll be with ur mom during the week

— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) April 10, 2016

pic.twitter.com/ofMcERUMcU

— j.r. hennessy (@jrhennessy) April 9, 2016

Want more? Check out last week's hilarious tweets.

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

These Unlikely Celebrities Are Best-Selling Authors

April 22, 2016, 6:20 am

≫ Next: Justin Bieber Made An Ultra-Douche Comment About Prince's Death

≪ Previous: This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets

$

0

0

What does it take to become a best-selling author these days: is it fame, or is it talent? By taking a look at the authors below, you may believe it's the former. Which is sad considering the many talented and aspiring authors who aren't given the opportunities to pursue their dream of publishing a novel. Instead, we're bombarded with junk that is written (well, co-written) by celebrities, because star power sells.

This is our fault, after all, since we're the ones buying it. And while some celebrity authors are indeed worthy of their success, the following "celebrities" (a term I use loosely) are not, and should never have gotten even remotely close to a book deal, let alone the coveted title of New York Times Best Selling Author.

Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi – "A Shore Thing"

The dwarf-like member of the raucous "Jersey Shore" crew is indeed a best-selling author. Which is kind of sad, isn't it? Regardless, fans of the reality series flocked to book stores (for the first time, I assume) to purchase the book, which happens to be a retelling of her visits to the Jersey Shore through fictional characters.

The novel is something reviewers claim is both "witty" and "illuminating," which is doubtful. Yet somehow the book hit the 24th spot on the New York Times Best Sellers list.

Vinnie Guadagnino - "Control The Crazy"

Hey, Snooki wasn't the only one to take advantage of her "Jersey Shore" fame, as Vinnie Guadagnino also somehow became a best-selling author after his book "Control the Crazy: My Plan to Stop Stressing, Avoid Drama, and Maintain Inner Cool" appeared on the Best Sellers list. This is a self-help book, ladies and gentlemen. A guy who appeared on the "Jersey Shore" wants to help you. No, thanks.

Nicole Richie – "The Truth About Diamonds"

Nicole Richie, who's probably best known as Paris Hilton's friend on "The Simple Life" cashed in on many opportunities since her television debut. One of these things was her 2005 novel "The Truth About Diamonds," which, like Snooki, is a retelling of her life through fictional characters. Again, for reasons unknown, this novel hit 23 in the "Hardcover Fiction" category in the New York Times Best Sellers list.

Miley Cyrus – "Miles To Go"

In 2009, Miley Cyrus was 16 and had come out with an autobiography on her life. Apparently her life up until that point contained enough material to compile 288 pages worth of content. The book was wildly successful, hitting the top spot in the New York Times Best Sellers list in the "Children's Chapter Book" category. Did they read it? Probably not. But they sure as hell bought it, and that's all that matters.

Lauren Conrad – "L.A. Candy"

This famous lady-author has made an absolute killing in the book-writing business. Lauren Conrad, the protagonist in MTV's "Laguna Beach" and "The Hills", wrote a book (again, a retelling of her life through fictional characters – a good formula, evidently) that took the top spot in the New York Times Best Seller list for "Children's Chapter Books."

Since her stellar debut, Conrad has written a library's worth of successful "literature" (I use this term lightly), including: "Sweet Little Lies", "Sugar And Spice", "Lauren Conrad Beauty", "Lauren Conrad Style", "Lauren Conrad Celebrate", "Starstruck", and "Infamous." That's enough, Conrad. You're no J.K. Rowling. I think we're good.

Farrah Abraham – "My Teenage Dream Ended"

Better known as "Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom" (the title of her sex tape) Farrah Abraham, who stars in the MTV series "Teen Mom" managed to write a memoir titled "My Teenage Dream Ended" in 2012. According to Examiner.com, the novel hit the 11th spot on the New York Times Best Sellers list. Why? Honestly, I have no idea. I mean, I'll admit I did watch her sex tape. But at least that was free.

Tyra Banks – "Modelland"

Supermodel turned talk show host Tyra Banks is a best-selling author as well. Indeed, her novel (whose main character is named "Tookie De La Creme," so take from that what you will) hit the second spot of the New York Times Best Seller list in the "Children's Chapter Books" category. The synopsis is strange, but essentially follows a woman in her pursuit to become a model. In other words: not for us.

Paris Hilton – "Confessions Of An Heiress"

Paris Hilton's book "Confessions of an Heiress" is a sad excuse for a book, and is more of a professionally crafted scrapbook covered in photos of the amateur porn star doing what she does best: nothing.

Apparently there's both "advice" and "inside scoops" readers can indulge in as well, but since Paris Hilton's stardom was the result of a very shitty sex tape, advice isn't exactly what people seek from "The Simple Life" star. Regardless, her book indeed hit the New York Times Best Seller list in 2004.

Justin Bieber – "First Steps 2 Forever: My Story"

Like Miley, Justin Bieber published an autobiography at just 16-years-old. Young girls bought it because it had a picture of Bieber on the cover, and it's very unlikely they actually read it. Be that as it may, the novel did make the coveted New York Best Seller list in 2010.

Kris Jenner – "Kris Jenner And All Things Kardashian"

While all of the Kardashians have their own books, Kris Jenner, the matriarch of the Kardashian clan, is probably least deserving. In her defense though, she does have some scandalous things to write about, including her very close friendship to OJ Simpson during his infamous trial. She later followed her debut memoir with a cookbook, which unsurprisingly nobody bought because we all know the Kardashians have their own kitchen staff.

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

Justin Bieber Made An Ultra-Douche Comment About Prince's Death

April 22, 2016, 6:36 am

≫ Next: Mike Tyson Posted A Very Confusing Tribute To Prince

≪ Previous: These Unlikely Celebrities Are Best-Selling Authors

$

0

0

While people are still in shock that music icon Prince has died, Canadian tool Justin Bieber decided to make the moment about himself by making a comment on Instagram that has people fuming.


Songwriter Andrew Watt posted a photo of himself on his Instagram wearing a Prince t-shirt and playing a guitar with the caption "Today waking up to this news I am truly beside myself...devastated...the last of the greatest living performers...my guitar idol," on it. Comments began pouring in, but one comment really turned heads.


"Well not the last greatest living performer." That was the comment left by Bieber, a comment that had people bashing him left and right with every name in the book.

The comment has since been deleted, and it has been replaced by a one word apology: "Sorry."

Not even Kanye West made a comment like that, Justin, so good job.

h/t NY Daily News

More dumb stuff: The Stupidest Justin Bieber Tweets That Got At Least 50,000 Retweets

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

Mike Tyson Posted A Very Confusing Tribute To Prince

April 22, 2016, 6:58 am

≫ Next: Jake Arrieta Predicted The Future By Burning A Twitter Troll in 2013

≪ Previous: Justin Bieber Made An Ultra-Douche Comment About Prince's Death

$

0

0

Like when any icon passes, the death of Prince had thousands of tributes from around the world pouring in; some by more famous people than others. But there is one tribute that probably tops them all, and it came from Mike Tyson himself.

Take a look at the bizarre tribute that Tyson decided to post on his Twitter:

#supertribute to #Prince#RIP Like the world I mourn but celebrate your spirit with your music pic.twitter.com/NhdPnHRwa9

— Mike Tyson (@MikeTyson) April 22, 2016

There really isn't much to say after that. Pretty sure Tyson has said it all.

Think before you tweet: 25 Of The Dumbest Tweets By Athletes

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

Jake Arrieta Predicted The Future By Burning A Twitter Troll in 2013

April 22, 2016, 7:05 am

≫ Next: The Most Outrageous Urban Dictionary Sex Positions That Hopefully No One Has Actually Done (NSFW)

≪ Previous: Mike Tyson Posted A Very Confusing Tribute To Prince

$

0

0

Chicago Cubs pitcher Jake Arrieta has turned into one of the best pitchers in all of baseball. He won the 2015 NL Cy Young with a minuscule 1.77 ERA, he's undefeated so far this year and last night he threw his second no-hitter in his last 11 regular season starts. So yeah, he's pretty freaking awesome.

But it wasn't always this way. Arrieta suffered through a lot of struggles while he was coming up with the Baltimore Orioles from 2010 to 2013, a fact one fan on Twitter decided to tell him about with a bunch of foul language in 2013. But Arrieta's response was perfect: right to the point, a little threatening, and, most importantly, 100 percent accurate.

@CWilliams2599 hey good call man. Glad @jakearrieta turned into the long reliever he is today. @BarstoolBigCatpic.twitter.com/QOuDer6xWT

— kyle severinsen (@twenty4sev) April 22, 2016

This is how all pro athletes should shutdown Twitter trolls. Cheers to you, Jake, and congrats on that no-hitter.

H/t Kyle Severinsen

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

---

The Most Outrageous Urban Dictionary Sex Positions That Hopefully No One Has Actually Done (NSFW)

April 22, 2016, 7:20 am

≫ Next: Top 10 Reasons Why... Your Coworkers Hate You

≪ Previous: Jake Arrieta Predicted The Future By Burning A Twitter Troll in 2013

$

0

0

When seeking definitions for millennial terminology, few websites are as effective as Urban Dictionary. However, since it is a website populated by immature millennials, people have published some ungodly definitions, most of which come in the form of lewd sexual acts. Because of course they do.

These acts are so disgusting that it's hard to believe any person has attempted any of them. In fact, you'll probably hope they haven't because the stuff you're about to see is pretty rough, if I may say so myself. Regardless, here they are, and remember, there is some NSFW language in here.


1. Mexican Pancake
When a man shoots his load on a woman's face, waits for it to dry as if it's a skin treatment, then peels it off and feed it to her. No syrup necessary.

2. Space Dock Fondue
Reserved for "party situations," a Space Dock Fondue occurs when a man who's taken a laxative shits "watery diarrhea" into the woman's vagina, transforming her into the fondue pot. When the pot is full, each man then dunks his "hard pole" into the pot so that it's covered in poo. After this, each man's partner is tasked to lick the poo off of the penis, as if it were a chocolate-covered banana.

3. Lion King
While having sex, pull out just prior to climax and bust into your own hand. Then, have your lady face you and use your thumb to smear some sperm on her forehead, declaring her "Simba."


4. Alabama Hot Pocket
This is the "art" (a term used loosely, I presume) to describe the act of separating the vagina lips and taking a dump inside said vagina. Your excrement will then serve as lube.

5. Cleveland Hot Waffle
This is the elegant act of taking a shit on your partner's chest, then smacking the soft stool with a tennis racket so your excrement now resembles the popular food item.

6. Cosby Sweater
Believe it or not, this act involves no drugs or issues of consent. Instead, it involves eating colorful cereals (Fruit Loops and Fruity Pebbles are recommended) and vomiting the "tacky and dazzling" mixture onto your partner's chest. The end result should resemble the kitschy sweaters Cosby wore during the height of his fame.


7. The Minivan
Similar to the very popular "Shocker" maneuver, the minivan is a little more intense, and involves inserting two fingers into the vagina, and a fist up the ass. This act is coined the minivan as the popular vehicle primarily used for families sits two in the front and five in the back. Clever.

8. Smashturbating
When one dons "Hulk Hands" (a popular child's toy issued to promote The Avenger's film) and masturbates with them.


9. The Kentucky Klondike Bar
The act of freezing your poo then penetrating your partner with the frozen poo. As with most of these positions that include both feces and vaginal penetration, this can lead to infection.

10. The Angry Pirate: When a man is about to climax, he pulls out, shoots his wad into a woman's eye, then kicks her in the shin so she looks and walks like a pirate.

11. The 300
When you've finished having sex, push your partner off the bed and shout "This. Is. Sparta!"


12. Tony Danza
When you are "giving it to a chick from behind" and inquire "Who's the boss?", she'll presumably turn around in confusion. When this happens, participants are told to "donkey punch her in the face" where you answer, "Tony Danza!" Don't try this at home, guys. Actually, don't try this ever.

Stay away from these, too: 10 Ridiculous Published Sex Positions That Will Definitely Send You To The Emergency Room

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

Top 10 Reasons Why... Your Coworkers Hate You

April 22, 2016, 7:50 am

≫ Next: Never Forget Prince Kicked Kim Kardashian Off The Stage During A Show

≪ Previous: The Most Outrageous Urban Dictionary Sex Positions That Hopefully No One Has Actually Done (NSFW)

$

0

0

Unless you are lucky enough to be your own boss or are able to avoid ever having to work with others, you probably have a few coworkers who come to mind immediately when you think of ones who annoy you. Well guess what, bub? You probably annoy a few of your coworkers, too. In fact, some of them probably hate you. And here are the top 10 reasons why they do.


More: Top 10 Reasons Why... I'm So Tired This Morning

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

Never Forget Prince Kicked Kim Kardashian Off The Stage During A Show

April 22, 2016, 8:37 am

≫ Next: This Is The Most Brutal Hockey Fight You'll Ever See (NSFW Language)

≪ Previous: Top 10 Reasons Why... Your Coworkers Hate You

$

0

0

Prince accomplished a lot in his fantastic career, and reeled in plenty of accolades and praise, but there's one thing he did that people probably won't ever forget: kick Kim Kardashian off stage.

The setting was a show at Madison Square Garden in New York City, and during a music break Prince sought to look for a dance partner he could invite on stage. And the Purple One called Kim K herself. Unfortunately for Prince and the crowd that night, Kim decided not to dance, but to stand still and awkwardly clap her hands, forcing Prince to tell her to "get off the stage!"

Take a look at the very satisfying video below:


Kim even tweeted about the embarrassing incident that night:

OMG Prince just pulled me up on stage!!! I'm shaking!!!!

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) February 8, 2011

Prince eventually did invite Kim back on stage, where she did a better job this time, although Prince had the right idea the first time around.

h/t Esquire

Someone just kick Justin Bieber, please: Justin Bieber Made An Ultra-Douche Comment About Prince's Death

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

This Is The Most Brutal Hockey Fight You'll Ever See (NSFW Language)

April 22, 2016, 5:57 am

≫ Next: This Kid Is A Damn Wizard With A Deck Of Cards

≪ Previous: Never Forget Prince Kicked Kim Kardashian Off The Stage During A Show

$

0

0

Hockey is obviously not the most popular sport out there, but one thing is for sure: their fights are the most epic. And proof more of that was seen one night when Todd Bertuzzi of the Detroit Red Wings got into it with David Clarkson of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Hit play on the video below to see the fight. There's some rough language so heads up.


The water bottle that started a war.

I hope these too don't get traumatic flashbacks anytime they spot a water bottle.

Ouch: A Hockey Player Got His Throat Slashed By A Skate

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

This Kid Is A Damn Wizard With A Deck Of Cards

April 22, 2016, 8:53 am

≫ Next: Probably The Worst Letter Of Recommendation Ever Written By A Teacher

≪ Previous: This Is The Most Brutal Hockey Fight You'll Ever See (NSFW Language)

$

0

0

Since all my card trick knowledge comes from watching David Blaine scare people on the streets, and the Lance Burton magic trick set I once had when I was young but never used again after realizing girls didn't find that cool, I can't say I know much about it. But the kid in this video knows a hell out of a lot because he's a wizard when it comes to cardistry.


Posted on Fontaine Cards, Zach Mueller spends two minutes staring into your soul with the purpose of stealing it, all while doing crazy things with a deck of cards. Try not to get distracted by his cold stare, and focus on his skills.


Sure, now I need a shower, but that's some cool card skills.

Even this guy would love it: Orangutan Has Hilarious Reaction To Magic Trick

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments