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- 04/22/16--13:21: _Weird News: Latvian...
- 04/25/16--06:10: _Bet You Didn't Know...
- 04/25/16--06:25: _That Ted Cruz Looka...
- 04/25/16--07:50: _10 Clichés To Look ...
- 04/25/16--08:38: _The 6 Weirdest Chan...
- 04/25/16--09:50: _45 Jokes About 45 C...
- 04/25/16--11:37: _Texas Elementary Sc...
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- 04/25/16--12:18: _Ariel Winter Wore O...
- 04/25/16--12:29: _Dude Finds Fried Ch...
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- 04/26/16--04:17: _Today's Funny Photos
- 04/26/16--04:57: _Horrifying Makeup F...
- 04/26/16--05:50: _'The Fresh Prince o...
- 04/26/16--06:20: _10 Songs You Never ...
- 04/26/16--06:50: _How Much Money Did ...
- 04/26/16--07:27: _Jimmy Fallon's Stor...
- 04/22/16--09:50: 16 People Who Accidentally Blended In With Their Surroundings
- 04/22/16--13:21: Weird News: Latvian Man Says A Beaver Took Him Hostage
- 04/25/16--06:10: Bet You Didn't Know These Popular Actors Were In These Movies
- 04/25/16--06:25: That Ted Cruz Lookalike From 'Maury' Is About To Do Porn For $10,000
- 04/25/16--07:50: 10 Clichés To Look Out For If You Ever Successfully Time Travel
- 04/25/16--08:38: The 6 Weirdest Changes To This Year's NFL Draft
- 04/25/16--09:50: 45 Jokes About 45 Countries
- 04/25/16--12:29: Dude Finds Fried Chicken Head In Meal At French Fast Food Joint
- 04/26/16--04:17: Today's Funny Photos
- 04/26/16--06:20: 10 Songs You Never Realized Were Super Creepy
- 04/26/16--06:50: How Much Money Did These Celebrity Sex Tapes Make?
Sure, asking your boss or teacher for a letter of recommendation can be a little stressful, but it is usually all worth it when you get that letter filled with over-the-top compliments and praise. Well, that wasn't exactly the case for poor Jack when he asked his teacher for a letter of recommendation.
Check out what Jack's teacher wrote up for him:
Straight from the heart.
They've had enough: Teachers Who Don't Give A Damn Anymore
Sometimes we try so hard to blend in that we literally blend in. At least that was the case for the folks below who accidentally became part of their environment in the literal sense. Well, if these folks were hiding out from the law, they did a fantastic job.
These were intentional: 22 photos Of The Worst Prom Outfits Ever
Uh, my bad, guys.
While we can boast that we have the most powerful military on the planet, that still doesn't mean that we can boast about our airdrops because apparently we suck at that.
During an airdrop on a military base in Hohenfels, Germany, three Humvees somehow got loose from their parachutes and fell to their deaths, where they completely shattered. The video was posted on U.S. Army WTF Moments. Check it out below:
The U.S. Army says that no one was hurt during the botched airdrop, but they are investigating how this occurred, and more importantly, just who was behind the camera.
Makes sense: Solider Reveals The Real Reason He Joined The Army And It's Hilarious
Funny. That's pretty much the same way you could sum up my first relationship in college.
According to MSN, a man named Sergei in Daugavpils, Latvia, said he was recently "taken hostage" by a beaver during a late night stroll through the city streets.
Sergei said the beaver jumped out of the shadows and sunk its teeth into one of his legs. After a brief struggle, Sergei found himself pinned on his back by the rodent, and every time he would try to get up, the beaver would bite him.
Sergei said he managed to pull his cellphone out of his pocket and call the Latvian equivalent of 911, but thinking it was a prank call, they hung up on him. He then called a friend, who decided to help but only after "some convincing" that the situation was real.
However, that friend was pulled over for speeding on his way to help Sergei, and wouldn't you know it, police didn't buy the story that a man was speeding late at night because his friend was being held hostage by a beaver on the city streets, so they made Sergei's pal take a breathalyzer test. He passed, and police eventually came to the conclusion that he was telling the truth.
Animal welfare officers were called to the scene, and the beaver eventually backed away from Sergei before escaping into the night. Sergei wound up needing 15 stitches in his leg and presumably a stiff drink.
It might be time to add beavers to this list: How To Survive Various Animal Attacks
Ben Affleck in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"
Selena Gomez in "Spy Kids 3D: Game Over"
Kristen Stewart in "The Thirteenth Year"
Jon Hamm in "Space Cowboys"
Matt Damon in "Mystic Pizza"
Brie Larson in "Right on Track"
Ashley Benson in "13 Going on 30"
Taran Killam in "Big Fat Liar"
Angela Bassett in "Kindergarten Cop"
Jonathan Banks in "Airplane!"
Kerry Washington "Save the Last Dance"
Ellen Pompeo in "Catch Me If You Can"
Jared Padalecki in "Cheaper by the Dozen"
Alfie Allen in "Atonement"
Michael Cera in "Switching Goals"
Chris Messina in "You've Got Mail"
Joe Manganiello in "Spiderman"
Shailene Woodley in "An American Girl Adventure"
More stuff you probably didn't know: 12 Celebrities You Didn't Know Were Talented Painters
For the extremely tiny and sick group that wants to see Ted Cruz have sex, you may have to settle for his female look-alike, because she's just agreed to do porn.
No one knew who 21-year-old Searcy Hayes was unless they were an avid watcher of "The Maury Show." But everyone knows now after people realized the Mississippi native looks a hell of a lot like the presidential candidate Ted Cruz.
That resemblance alone is about to make Hayes some big bucks because porn site XHamster has offered Hayes and her fiance, 25-year-old Freddie Green, $10,000 for a six-minute sex tape. And yes, she agreed to do it.
"I'm fine with it because everything is going to support my family," Hayes tells Huffington Post. "I want to get my son whatever he wants."
And Green is all on board, too: "We want to buy a truck, pay off our house and we might get married," he says. "I never had anyone say, 'Here's $10,000! Go make a sex tape.'"
Hey, me either, as it is usually me begging porn sites to pay me for mine.
Hayes and her man haven't made the tape yet, but take a look at a recent interview with Hayes and Maury below; she quite the character.
Cringe to the 10th power: Ted Cruz Tries To Give His Daughter A Hug And It's Awkward As Hell
Perhaps people don't sit and daydream about time travel as much as I do, but it's their loss. You see, if by some miracle those morons do find themselves catapulted through time, they are going to make so many easy mistakes for their lack of planning ahead. Not me, though. And since I'm such a nice dude, I'll even share a few of the pitfalls you'll most certainly encounter on the day you wake up in the future (or past). And hey, who better to take such advice from than an Internet comedy writer, right?
Money, Money, Money
Things are going to move quickly the second you reach whatever destination in time you're going to, so the first thing on your mind needs to be the one cliché that's most crucial: securing yourself financially for life. After all, this is the best case time travel scenario, no? Don't muck things up with overly complicated get-rich-quick schemes that are more scheme than quick. Whether you're in the past or future, figure out a point in your original time-line (pre-time travel) that had or will have a huge lottery payout. I'm talking that billion dollar one if possible. MEMORIZE those numbers (as in, don't write them down or some other idiotic plan that never works out) and get back to where you came from immediately to plop down the buck or two that will increase astronomically in value. Then, figure out whether or not you can do the time-jump thing again. If you can't, oh well. You're freaking rich beyond your wildest dreams! Screw time travel!
The past, specifically, will be very difficult, and you'll realize this immediately.
OK, I'll admit that first bit of advice is a very Biff Tannen move, but what can I say? The dude had good ideas. He just executed them poorly. But with your money situation now out of the way, you can start focusing on your surroundings. Sadly, if you were unfortunate enough to travel back in time instead of forward, you are going to realize that the past sucks. No cell phones. No Ubers. No computers, quite possibly. We are spoiled in the present, so just know that whatever objectives you had in mind, particularly if they involve tracking down a person or place, it's going to be a pain in the ass without GPS (and maybe even phone books). My best advice would be to mentally prepare now, just in case. It'll be a huge shock to your system otherwise, making you stick out like a sore thumb.
Don't let your past/future self see you.
Speaking of sticking out, it's absolutely essential not to be spotted by your past or future self. But don't worry, you're allowed one mess-up since they always do a double take the first time, giving you ample opportunity to escape. Having said that, still take the situation seriously. You don't want this past/future prick version of yourself trying to do the time traveling thing, too. That's going to cause a bunch of paradoxes even I have no idea how to fix. My recommendation: if your past self sees you, hightail it back to the present immediately and pray he thought it was just a weird dream. If your future self sees you, kill them. Just remember where and when you did it so you can avoid yourself later. Boom. Crises averted.
People in the future all wear the same outfit.
Eventually, humans realize how stupid keeping up with fashion trends is and opt to all wear the same thing. I, for one, love the idea and wish we'd get to it now instead of later. Hell, cartoons have been doing it for years, and look how awesome they are. Regardless, it's blending-in time. Since you already went ahead and secured yourself plenty of dough, go buy a silver jumpsuit or whatever the crap people are wearing these days and get on with lurking around unnoticed for as long as you can. Maybe even beat someone up and switch clothes with them if you aren't able to buy them fast enough. That way, if somebody notices something off about you, you can just point out the dude you just robbed wearing your "bizarre old clothing" and sick the angry mob on them. Works every time.
Whether people are smarter or dumber, they'll still be mesmerized by your current technology.
And not even good current technology, either. I'm talking the kind of crap you shove into your pockets and forget about. Lighters. Sticks of bubble gum. That sorta thing. These people are complete idiots regardless of where you are in the time stream. Old relics will blow them away. Future technology will fascinate them even more. So if you get into a pinch, whip out your iPod and throw it on the ground like April O'Neil did with her walkman in "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III." While everyone attacks it like the savage animals they are, slip away unnoticed. But trust me, it's not even going to get to that point because of the next cliché.
No one (besides past/future you) will question who you are, even though you seemingly appeared out of thin air.
For the most part, if you have even the flimsiest backstory prepared for yourself and aren't doing anything too crazy right off the bat, everyone is just going to be like, "Ooh, who's the cool new person in town?" Because of all that crap I just mentioned in the previous cliché. It can't necessarily be explained, but everybody swoons over someone from the future regardless of whether they know that's where they are from or not. You're going to be acting all mysterious like a badass loner due to the circumstances you find yourself in, and that's going to turn people on to you rather than off. There's a downside, though, which...is pretty gross.
Your mom/grandmother/daughter will always be the hottest, horniest chick in town.
Go ahead and plan on ruining your bully's entire life.
You know what, make that three people you should avoid at all costs. Well, unless you want to destroy a person's entire existence, that is. No matter where you end up in the past or future, you are going to run into either your bully or a descendant of them that hates you equally, if not more. Be the bigger man and just walk away, regardless of whether they provoke you by calling you "chicken." I realize that sounds like a wuss move, but know that if you take them on, it's going to wind up the most critical moment of their life when you beat them. And by that, I mean for some stupid time travel-y reason, it won't be just a fight they loose; it will impact their very social status and ability to become even remotely successful from that point forward. If that doesn't bother you at least a little, I don't think you're the kind of person I want to be giving time traveling advice to.
You'll recognize any family member (other than your mom) immediately because they look like you in a bad Halloween costume.
The good news is, they'll be super easy to spot. And there's no time law against tracking your pops/grandpops/son down and partying with them just to see what they were like when they were your age. Just make sure to use a fake name and brush any notion they have about why you two look so similar off as coincidence (or because you're both drunk). It's going to be much more unsettling for you hanging out with someone that looks like a face swap gone haywire anyways.
There is always a ticking clock regarding how long you can stay even though it's freaking time travel!
In the end, this is the most important cliché of all the clichés touched upon. Hence, the reason for reviewing them. If you're only going to have a limited time in the future/past, you'd damn well better make the most of it by getting all the important things previously mentioned out of the way tout de suite. I can't tell you why there will be a time limit necessarily, but some butthole egghead is gonna be on your ass about getting back to the wormhole before some specific point or you'll be stuck there forever. Um, news flash: I specifically traveled through time to get away from my shitty time period. I don't care if I get stranded here. Besides, at least part of me still resides whenever I'm from. Let them figure it out if I eff this all up (which I obviously won't). Oh crap, I'm starting to fade away. This can't be goo...
Mel Kiper hair helmets will be for sale.
It's been made pretty clear over the past several seasons that Mel Kiper Jr. doesn't really know shit when it comes to evaluating NFL talent, but ESPN keeps bringing him back anyway. And for the 2016 draft they are adding an extra element for fans: They can purchase helmets to wear that resemble his alien head of hair for the low NFL-discounted price of $50. That's a bargain.
Every player will be required to choose walk-up music, but all songs must be from Broadway's hit new musical, "Hamilton."
However, only quarterbacks will be allowed to choose the hit song "My Shot." That seems a little unfair, but the NFL hopes this will encourage teams to take QBs early on instead of boring old offensive lineman from Nebraska and Michigan. "Hamilton" is so hot right now, but above all else, everyone wants to hear "My Shot!"
The fourth round will be the Lightning Round.
After receiving numerous complaints from fans that not enough teams are totally botching the draft like they used to, the NFL has decided that Round 4 this year will be super quick. Immediately after the third round is completed, teams will only be on the clock for 10 seconds before they have to make their pick. They will then only have 30 seconds to announce it and bring the player to the stage for photos before the next team goes on the clock. If a team fails to make their pick in time, they lose their quarterback for the first four games of the season. The Chicago Bears may choose to do this on purpose!
No Manziels Allowed
On the surface, this seems like a great idea. Johnny Manziel has been nothing but a nuisance for the league since he was drafted by the Cleveland Browns and garnered nothing but negative publicity for the NFL. But when you dig a little deeper, you learn that Johnny's great-uncle Skeeter Manziel has been the head custodian for all the drafts since the '80s. Now, because of the new ban on Manziels, he'll have to sit and watch at home like the rest of us. How many lives must Johnny Football ruin before he cleans up his act?
Whenever a trade is made, no matter how minor, everyone in attendance must go absolutely bonkers like the Secret Word was just spoken in Pee-wee's Playhouse.
Leave it to the NFL to capitalize on everything. With the resurgence of Pee-wee's popularity that culminated with a recently released Netflix special, the league hopes they can bring in some of the zaniness and energy that comes with Pee-wee's antics. It seems a little unnecessary and risky to ask fans to go bonkers over trades, especially when Eagles fans will most likely be belligerently drunk before the first round is even half over. However, it's a risk that Roger Goodell and ESPN are willing to take for record-setting ratings.
"Sweet Roger Smooches"
Speaking of Goodell, this one is in quotes because they are his words, not mine. In an effort to appear more progressive and accepting of the LGBT community, every player drafted this year will be required to give NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell no less than five "sweet Roger smooches" on the lips before shaking his hand and posing for photos with their new NFL team's hat on. A similar order came down from on high in the past couple drafts that required draftees to hug Goodell, but with Michael Sam out of the league, they really want to discredit any critics who say the NFL is still an anti-gay culture. But honestly, this seems a little extreme. And off-putting. Can't wait for Thursday night!
Related: NFL Starting Quarterbacks If They Were Bald
What's the most famous coffee in Afghanistan? Osama bin Latte.
How does an Argentine commit suicide? By jumping off his ego.
A British man is visiting Australia. The customs agent asks him, "Do you have a criminal record?" The British man replies, "I didn't think you needed one to get into Australia anymore."
How do you get a Canadian to apologize? Step on their foot.
After the Chilean mining incident, a miner was asked what he did while he was underground. He said, "Nothing. Just Chilean."
Everything is made in China...except for baby girls.
What's the Cuban national anthem? Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
How many Danes does it take to screw in a light bulb? A lot, because Danish people are weak and arthritic because their socialist medical system is only second in the world in patient care.
What did the Egyptian man say to the Egyptian woman? "Come behind the pyramid, and I'll make you a mummy."
An introverted Finn looks at his shoes when talking to you; an extroverted Finn looks at your shoes.
Why wouldn't the Statue of Liberty work in France? Because she only has one arm raised.
What is the German word for constipation? Farfrompoopin.
What did Poseidon say to the sea monster? What's Kraken?
What part of Iceland are you from? Hallormsstadaskogur? Oh cool.
I watched a Hindu version of "How I Met Your Mother." There's just one episode about the wedding.
What's the national sport of Indonesia? Body surfing.
What is Iraq's national bird? Duck.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are drinking in a bar. A fly lands in the Englishman's pint. The Englishman is incensed, and pushes his beer away and orders another. A fly lands in the Scotsman's pint. The Scotsman looks at the fly shrugs, and just drinks the fly down. A fly lands in the Irishman's pint. The Irishman is furious. He picks out the fly, and violently shakes the fly over his pint glass while screaming, "Spit it out, you wee bastard!"
What do you call someone from Israel that has to sneeze? A Jew.
How come Italians don't like Jehovah's Witnesses? They don't like any witnesses.
What do you call a rude Jamaican? Caribbean Jerk.
A Japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him.
How do Mexicans cut their pizza? With Little Caesars.
Want my opinion on Mongolia? It has its pros and Khans.
Amsterdam is a lot like the Tour de France. Just a lot of people on drugs riding bikes.
What did the Kiwi say to the Rabbi? Hee Broo.
I asked my friend in North Korea how he was. He said he can't complain.
There was a young man from Peru
Who fell asleep in a canoe.
He dreamt that Venus
Was stroking his penis
And woke with a handful of goo.
Did you hear about the Pole who thought his wife was trying to kill him? On her dressing table, he found a bottle of "Polish Remover."
What do you call a Russian with Tourette's Syndrome? Yukanol Fukov.
What did Bill Clinton say when asked about relations with Rwanda? "I swear I never met her!"
What do you call two Samoans on a roof? Solé power.
What happens when you smoke weed in Saudi Arabia? You get stoned.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play? To get away from the noise.
How do you stop a Serbian tank? You trip the soldier who is pushing it.
What do you call a Korean woman with one leg? Irene.
At a school dance, a guy from America asked a girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gave her a little squeeze and said, "In America, we call this a hug." She replied, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug, too." A little later, he gave her a peck on the cheek and said, "In America, we call this a kiss." She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss, too." At the end of the night, he proceeds to have sex with her on the campus lawn and said, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich." She said, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich, too, but we usually put more meat in it."
An American walks into a Swiss bank with a giant, heavy sack in his hands. He goes to the teller, brings his face close to the glass and whispers, "I have $2 million with me. I urgently need to open a secret Swiss bank account." The Swiss bank teller replies, "Sir, there's no need to whisper. Poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."
I just got back from holiday in Bangkok where I came very close to sleeping with a ladyboy. She looked like a woman, she walked like a woman, she talked like a woman, and she even kissed like a woman. It was only when she drove me back to her place and reverse-parked her car on the first attempt that I thought, "Hang on..."
A Ukrainian immigrant goes to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters: C Z W I C N O S T A C Z. "Can you read this?" the clerk asks. "Read it?" the Ukrainian replies, "I know the guy."
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the Cup longer.
Only in America will a fat person order a Double Big Mac, large fries and a Diet Coke.
What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post? A Welsh leisure center.
The Vatican announced that scientists who carry out embryonic stem cell research will be excommunicated. The Pope explained, "God's law forbids the destruction of an embryo before we have a chance to molest it."
How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb? YOU DON'T KNOW BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE!
Asking the public to come up with names for something is becoming almost as bad an idea as asking Johnny Manziel to go wine tasting.
Just last month, England's Natural Environment Research Council launched a poll for its citizens that asked them to come up with a name for their new $300 million vessel, and they revealed last week that the winner was "Boaty McBoatface."
Well, the Austin School Board recently tried the same thing, asking the general public to come up with a new name for Robert E. Lee Elementary School because "hundreds of parents said they take offense" to the school being named after the Confederate Army general.
Odds are those same parents are also going to be pretty pissed at some of these nominations:
Here are more of the ridiculous submissions (number of votes for each in parentheses):
Adolf Hitler School for Friendship and Tolerance (8)
Donald J. Trump Elementary (45)
Adam Lanza's School of Fun (1)
Bee Movie (1)
Boaty McBoatface Elementary School (1)
Communist Elementary (1)
Bruce Lee Elementary (3)
Dwayne Johnson Elementary (1)
Flava-Flave (sic) Elementary (1)
Fuccon Elementary (1)
James Earl Ray Elementary School (1)
John Cena Elementary School (1)
Hypothetical Perfect Person Memorial Elementary School (1)
Kanye West Elementary (2)
Lil Jon Elementary (1)
Politically Correct Elementary School #1 (1)
Richard "Cactus" Pryor Elementary (6)
Schooly McSchoolerson (2)
Spike Lee Elementary (4)
The Illuminati (1)
The Rubber Duckies (1)
Vladmir Ilyich Lenin Elementary School (1)
Willie Nelson Elementary (2)
For what it's worth, 34 people voted for Robert E. Lee Elementary School to keep its current name. The top three vote getters will be presented to the board of trustees on May 23, which means Lil Jon has roughly four weeks left to get his ass in gear.
h/t Fox 7 Austin
"Bacon Double Cheeseburger" is actually somebody's name now: 15 Legal Name Changes That Will Make You Laugh
Since Prince's shocking passing, a lot of memories and fun stories have come out about The Purple One. One such story is that former "The Simpsons" writer and current late-night talk show host Conan O'Brien once wrote a script for Prince, but Prince himself ultimately rejected it.
It all occurred in 1991, when the popular "Simpsons" episode "Stark Raving Dad" was released; an episode in which Homer is taken to an insane asylum where he meets Leon Kompowsky, a patient who believes he is Michael Jackson. Jackson himself voiced the character, and the episode was so successful that the Fox folks wanted a follow-up to the character. Enter Conan and his script, this time based around Prince.
Conan's script was rejected, however, and now some pages from it are being revealed thanks to show runner Al Jean. Take a look at one excerpt that Jean shared on his Twitter; a scene that involves Lisa trying to buy Prince tickets:
And here's another excerpt; this one involves Prince and Selma talking about his movies:
Jean explains that this scene may have been a reason Prince rejected it.
It sucks that we didn't get to see this, but don't fret; there are loads of other great Prince and "Simpsons" videos to keep you busy.
h/t A.V. Club
But we'll always have this: Never Forget Prince Kicked Kim Kardashian Off The Stage During A Show
Sadly, Coachella has wrapped up, but at least we'll have the memories. Specifically, Ariel Winter in various bra tops. Yep, never forget.
The 18-year-old "Modern Family" actress decided to say the hell with T-shirts, and just aimed for bra tops. Check out just some more of her wardrobe choices via her Instagram:
And here's one more for y'all:
Coachella may be over for 2016, but hopefully these tops aren't.
She sure is a fan of her goods: Ariel Winter Flaunts Major Cleavage In Her Sexiest Snapchat Selfies Yet
Ugh, and it's just like one of those paintings where the eyes just stare you down no matter which angle you look at it from.
According to The Sun, some dude recently stopped by a Quick "restaurant" in France to chow down on some chicken wings, but it turned out he got more than just the bird's wings:
Now check out the video below:
Hey, if you like sucking the protein out of chicken beaks, then odds are you're looking at this like the guy hit the jackpot. Plus, as one person who watched the video pointed out, at least now you know what you just ate was real chicken.
But for the vast majority of us, seeing this video is the reason why we're going to pass on lunch today.
On second thought, I'll go with the burger: Buffalo Chicken Finger Looks A Lot Like A Penis, Seriously
A bushbaby for a tip? Well, then she must have been amazing.
According to CBS News, a Eugene man was arrested last month after he allegedly broke into his wife's pet store and stole a laptop, money intended for Girl Scout Cookies and a bushbaby named "Gooey."
His motive for robbing Zany Zoo Pets? You guessed it: He needed the cash to pay off a hooker and the small primate for a tip.
Police said Nathan Allen McClain robbed the pet store on March 1 and 6. They then found Gooey with an "out-of-town prostitute" at a hotel in Eugene on March 17 and arrested McClain as he walked out of a porn shop while high on meth on March 19.
Through interviews and statements, police determined McClain was the man behind robberies of his wife's pet store, and he was eventually arrested again last week on prostitution charges.
Gooey has since been relocated to an animal sanctuary, where we assume his nights have been a lot less eventful.
This hooker was so amazing in the sack that her client passed away: Weird News: Prostitute Has To Be 'Surgically Removed From Client' After He Dies During Sex
I love funny photos, you love funny photos, the universe loves funny photos. There's nothing else to say about the matter. So get to it. And if you're still thirsty for more awesomeness, check us out on Twitter and Instagram.
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It looks like Ronald McDonald's mother having a very bad day.
We already knew thatcats are assholes, but now we also know that they make very poor eyebrows.
Oh, Tyra Banks, how the hell are you considered an expert on this stuff?
Earth Day...every day.
And this looks like Ronald McDonald's daughter auditioning for the much desired reboot of "Chucky."
This seems like a fitting way to close this out.
Ashley Banks (Tatyana Ali)
Starting on the show at the age of 11, little Ashley Banks went from child actress to seriously hot babe by the end of the show's run. Now at 37, Ali is a successful actress, model and R&B singer after receiving her degree at Harvard. In 2014, she released an EP, and in 2016, she announced she's engaged to Vaughn Raspberry and is expecting her first child.
Carlton Banks (Alfonso Ribeiro)
Since the end of his role as the spoiled spasmodic heir to the Banks throne, Alfonso has mostly been exclusive to TV with a limited number of roles. In 2015, he picked up the gig as host of "America's Funniest Home Videos" and won on a season of "Dancing With the Stars" in 2014. He has three kids with two women, and recently remarried in 2012.
Hilary Banks (Karyn Parsons)
The curly-haired, stuck-up princess of Banks manor only stuck around the acting business for a few years after the "Fresh Prince" finale, starring in "The Lush Life" the same year the show ended, then finishing in 2002 with a recurring role on "The Job." In 2003, she was remarried to director Alexandre Rockwell, director of "13 Moons," in which Parsons starred in the year prior. She now owns her own production company, Sweet Blackberry, and has two children.
Lisa Wilkes (Nia Long)
Will's main squeeze made her first appearance in 1991 on the show, but didn't become a regular until 1995, the same year she landed her first big movie role on "Friday." Since then, she's been in both "Big Momma's House" movies and several recurring TV roles on "House of Lies" and "Judging Amy" among others. This year she's in the Key and Peele comedy "Keanu," and the new "Uncle Buck" series.
Phillip Banks (James Avery)
Everybody loved the harsh but hilarious Uncle Phil. He got his acting start in 1980, with his first credit for "The Blues Brothers" as "man dancing outside Ray's shop." Now you have to watch that! After "Fresh Prince" wrapped, Avery kept a consistent work record, doing guest TV appearances, movies and voice-overs. His most prominent role was as a recurring character on "The Closer," and his final movie role was Zach Braff's "Wish I Was Here," which he starred in just before his unfortunate death in 2013.
Little Nicky Banks (Ross Bagley)
The last we saw of Little Nicky, he was playing son to Will Smith in "Independence Day" in 1996, which now has a big movie sequel this year. Since then, he had a handful of one-off guest spots in TV, as well as a role in the film "Gnome Alone" in 2015.
Jazz (DJ Jazzy Jeff)
The hip-hop DJ, once known as Jeffrey Allen Townes, went on to be a prominent producer and solo artist, including producing work for Will Smith's "Willenium." In 2015, he scratched overdubs for the hip-hop film "Straight Outta Compton."
Aunt Vivian (Janet Hubert, Daphne Reid)
In case they managed to sneak it by you, Aunt Viv was actually played by two women (you racist!), splitting the show's run three seasons apiece. Janet Hubert was the original Aunt Viv in 1990, recently explaining the Will Smith feud back in February (and referring to herself in the third person), claiming, "Janet Hubert was never difficult to work with." There was a bunch of controversy between Hubert, Smith and his wife over the 2016 Oscars boycott for the lack of diversity. Smith went on to clear the air. Hubert was replaced by Daphne Reid in 1993, and since then has worked on and off in small TV roles.
Geoffrey Butler (Joseph Marcell)
Everyone's favorite witty butler, "Jeeves," has been around here and there in short films, TV appearances and a couple of recurring roles on "EastEnders" and "The Bold and the Beautiful." Unfortunately, nothing will top his deadpan one-liners thrown about the Banks household, possibly the most consistent character on the entire show.
Will Smith (Will Smith)
The man needs no introduction, but in case you've been living under a very big rock, Smith quieted down around 2008 after his roles in "Hancock" and "Seven Pounds." In 2012, he resurged with the "Men in Black" reboot and since then has been on a steady pace with "Focus," "Concussion," this year's "Suicide Squad" and back-to-back reprises of his classic role as Detective Mike Lowrey in the third and fourth installments of "Bad Boys." There will, however, be no resurgence in "Independence Day: Resurgence," at least that we know of. But we do get Jeff Goldblum!
1. Adele – "Hello"
We all know Adele can write a break up song like no other, but this one definitely doesn't fit under that category. It's basically about dumping someone and completely breaking their heart, then waiting YEARS later when you started randomly feeling guilty about it, and trying to force the person you dumped to forgive you and give you closure.
She thinks she's called around a thousand times asking him to get together and go over a breakup from years ago. Then she has the nerve to guilt him over it!
I must have called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home
Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
But it don't matter. It clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore
Oh sorry. "Hey guys I can't hang out tonight. Remember the girl that dumped me in 2007? Yeah, the one that I cried about for weeks. Well she won't stop calling me and wants a recap of our breakup, so I'm gonna do that for the next 7 hours instead." Nice try, Adele. (full lyrics here)
2. Drake – "Hotline Blng"
You couldn't go anywhere without hearing "Hotline Bling" or get online without seeing some sort of parody of his video, but the song is just ridiculous. Drake apparently had this girl that he would hook up with whenever he was in town, but she seems to have finally become tired of it and moved on without him, leaving Drake completely baffled. He talks about how she used to just stay at home and be a good girl, which is an appropriate statement if you're talking to a golden retriever, but not a person. The only time they really talked was late at night for booty calls, but now that she's decided she wants more than a hook up bro, Drake finds it unacceptable. He's even upset he doesn't know the girls she's going out with. Calm down, dude. (full lyrics here)
3. Lady Gaga – "Just Dance"
Lady Gaga's first hit single felt like such an ordinary pop song, but the lyrics are much more troubling than you probably realize. The song is about a girl that either got way too drunk or possibly drugged at a club. She can't find her keys or her phone and the whole room is spinning. Her shirt is now inside out, which suggests that she may have been sexually assaulted. All of this sounds like a living nightmare and something you should try and get away from immediately. But what's Lady Gaga's advice in that situation? Just dance. Yep, don't worry about what's happening around you or that you might be in danger. Just keep dancing. Hooray for the club! (full lyrics here)
4. Michael Bolton - "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You"
This is probably my favorite creepy song because it's been around for so long and no one really talks about the incredible creepy factor of it. Michael Bolton finds out this girl that he's good friends with has fallen in love and she's making long-term plans with him. He's like "oh cool that's great. Hey just one thing, though. Uh I'M GONNA FREAKING KILL MYSELF IF YOU DO THAT!" That's right, old Mikey has been secretly lying low in the friend zone all these years, never making a move, and building up all these fantasies in his mind, but now that they're not happening, he's losing his mind and may possibly murder her. He ends it with saying:
And I don't wanna know the price I'm
gonna pay for dreaming
When even now it's more than I can take
Ok he's definitely about to kill her, right? (full lyrics here)
5. Katy Perry – "Last Friday Night"
Katy Perry loves telling fans to live life like there's no tomorrow and spend their rent money on bottle service, which is an easy thing for a millionaire to say. Being fiscally irresponsible is one thing, but "Last Friday Night" is a whole other level of spreading terrible messages. The whole song plays out like an episode of "Law & Order: SVU," but, you know, in a fun way! She wakes up next to a stranger, covered in alcohol and possibly in bruises. Sounds like a chill night! Then she talks about how she blacked out and pictures of her that'll ruin her life ended up on the internet. Her response: oh well.
After that she goes into this Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas-type blur where she maxed out her credit card, broke multiple laws, had a threesome, got her car towed and may be wanted by local law enforcement. Is this an event that'll make her change her ways? Nope! She declares that next Friday they'll do it all again! Enjoy that message, kids! (full lyrics here)
6. One Direction – "Perfect"
My friend Max Landis first introduced this song to me, along with the creepy lyrics that mostly go unnoticed because we're too busy singing "Oh baby I'm perfect for you." Well, there are a few stipulations to the members of One Direction being perfect for you. They start off by telling you what a terrible boyfriend they'd be to you. They'll never bring flowers or meet your parents or even treat you well. Actually they're not good at keeping promises either, so you're probably going to end up getting cheated on quite a bit. But you know what they are? Rich and famous! That's right, they'll fly you around the world and have secret hook ups with you! Isn't that nice? Here's my favorite part:
I might never be the hands you put your heart in
Or the arms that hold you any time you want them
But that don't mean that we can't live here in the moment
'Cause I can be the one you love from time to time
Wow, what a promise! "I'm not really gonna be there for you, but we can bang from time to time." Thanks guys! (full lyrics here)
7. The Beatles – "Ticket to Ride"
"Ticket to Ride," on paper sounds like a sad song about a girlfriend moving away and causing the relationship to come to an end, but that's not the case. The term "ticket to ride" was actually a term John Lennon was using to refer to German prostitutes. They'd carry up to date medical cards with them to prove that they were disease free, so it was their "ticket to ride." That means that the song is actually about a guy being really sad because his girlfriend is breaking up with him to become a prostitute. (full lyrics here)
8. Bruno Mars – "When I Was Your Man"
I'll admit I'm a sucker for Bruno Mars songs as much as anyone else, but so many of them are just absurd. Remember "Gorilla" where he just brags about how good he is at sex for 4 minutes? Dude, you're like 4'1. Settle down. "When I Was Your Man" is the weirdest, though. It's this really sweet song about all the things he wishes he had done for this girl when they were together. That's a nice sentiment, but then he mentions that she's with someone else now. And instead of just wishing her the best and fading away he starts singing about how he hopes this new guy buys her flowers and holds her hand and takes her to parties because he remembers how much she loves to dance.
He says he hopes this guy does everything that he should have done. I'm sure the guy that's dating her now is just thrilled about the whole thing. Here he is just doing his best to make her happy and freaking Bruno Mars swoops in and starts serenading her with all the mistakes he made in their relationship. Go ruin your next relationship and leave them alone, Bruno. (full lyrics here)
9. Salt n Pepa – "Shoop"
It's not that the whole song is creepy or inappropriate. There's really just one line, but that single line is so bad it's astonishing that it made it onto the album and actually became a hit single. You know the part where the guy walks up and starts doing his verse about how good he is at sex? Towards the end he mentions that he's going to have sex with them so hard that it'll have them "sounding like a retard." If that wasn't bad enough, right after the line someone in the background makes a horribly offensive sound that's supposed to be their impression of a mentally handicapped person. Can you imagine being in the studio they day they recorded those sound effects? (full lyrics here)
10. Oingo Boingo – "Little Girls"
Ok, maybe not all songs are as subtle about it as the rest of the ones on the list, but seriously, how was this a hit track? It's a song about loving little girls because they don't ask questions or complain about his one-way mirror or his cold exterior, whatever that means. Then it takes an even darker turn when he starts freaking out saying he made a mistake and he's in trouble because "the little girl was just too little." This is just about as creepy as it gets. (full lyrics here)
As I would find, there is absolutely no way to determine a celebrity sex tape's profits, as the companies who release these tapes -- Red Light District Video and Vivid, for example -- are private companies and therefore would never provide an actual figure (plus, they wouldn't account for bootlegs or tapes sold under the table out of warehouses, either). This being the case, I spoke with the only authority who could release estimated profits on these scandalous products.
This authority I speak of is Kevin Blatt, "the world's only celebrity sex tape broker," according to his Twitter bio. Since Blatt has worked on several celebrity sex tapes first-hand (his first being the infamous "1 Night In Paris" video), he knows of the "splits" and web dollars that went into the bigger, more renowned celebrity sex tapes.
At one point in his career, Blatt claims to have received a new sex tape every two weeks. As such, he's seen more from your favorite celebrities than you'd ever imagine. "I can't really tell you the celebrities that I saw because I have signed off on confidentiality agreements," he says, but mentions that these things include witnessing "very straight male actors engaging in very gay sex acts with men," he told Vice.
Based on my conversation with Blatt via email, these are the profits made from your favorite celebrity sex tapes.
1. Farrah Abraham (2013)
The "Teen Mom" reality star did a piss-poor job manufacturing a story as to how her professionally filmed sex tape was "stolen" from her. In actuality, Farrah Abraham would send lighting teams to various filming locations, according to Blatt. Regardless though, Farrah made a killing from the tape, with last estimates seeing profits of over $500,000.
2. Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee (1998)
The indisputable king of all sex tapes that saw a very hung Tommy Lee and a very busty Pamela Andersonengaging in various sex acts in various locales on their honeymoon has no definite profit.
Blatt insists there's no way to get a full accounting of the tape as it never carried proper releases. "I know from a web perspective with IEG and ClubLove.com that it made MILLIONS," he says.
3. Pamela Anderson & Bret Michaels (2005)
As for Pam's other sex tape with "Poison" singer Bret Michaels, this one didn't do nearly as well. Blatt estimates the grainy, homemade video made no more than "a few hundred grand," which is nothing to balk at, but is devastatingly low compared to her and Tommy Lee's.
4. Dustin Diamond (2006)
The sex tape nobody asked for starring a grown-up Screech made roughly $150,000 according to Blatt, which is probably the most money the guy's seen in the past two decades.
5. Fred Durst (2005)
The sex tape featuring the Limp Bizkit singer was reportedly stolen from his computer. While he admits he was confronted by "at least" one company seeking his cooperation in selling the tape, he countered, "Absolutely not, I don't wanna make any money off this. This is ridiculous." "So when you see [celebrity sex tapes] out there with big company names on them, you can know people gave them permission to release it," according to MTV. As a result, Durst made absolutely no cash from his tape.
6. Colin Farrell (2006)
Colin Farrell's sex tape with Playmate Nicole Narain also made no money. "[The tape] was never sold online but rather blocked by litigation," Blatt says.
7. Paris Hilton (2004)
This Paris Hilton title was Blatt's claim to fame. The sex tape not only grossed over $50 million domestic, but earned hundreds of millions abroad due to fraud and copyright infringement. "It was the biggest Zelig tape of all time," he says, and it won multiple AVN awards, including: "Best Selling Title Of The Year", "Best Renting Title of the Year", and "Best Overall Marketing Campaign – Individual Project".
8. Hulk Hogan (2012)
The other sex tape nobody asked for and probably didn't watch in fear of vomiting, was recently awarded $140 million from Gawker.com in damages as determined by the court.
This was more money than anybody -- Hogan included -- expected. As for Hogan himself, he made no money commercially from the tape, according to Blatt. "[He] might have gotten a million in ad dollars on Gawker.com," he says.
9. Kim Kardashian (2007)
The tape responsible for Kim Kardashian's fame has earned close to $25 million and is still going, according to Blatt. The tape has been viewed over 93 million times on Pornhub alone, and has been ranked "the most viewed video of all time" by the site.
As for its authenticity? Blatt told Vice, "If the general public really believes that [the video is authentic, then the general public are dumber than I think they are."
10. Joan "Chyna" Laurer (2004)
Legendary wrestler Chyna filmed a sex tape with fellow wrestler X-Pac in a video that would be commercially released under the clever title (sarcasm): "1 Night in China". The video won an AVN Award for "Best-Selling Title," and saw profits of $500,000.
11. Kid Rock (2006)
Kid Rock's sex tape with Creed frontman Scott Stapp (who claims the film was "stolen" from him) and several strippers in Rock's motor home (because where else would it be?) earned the guys absolutely nothing, as it was blocked and never released for commercial distribution.
12. Gene Simmons (2008)
The sex tape that sees Simmons making love to Foreigner's "I Wanna Know What Love Is" also earned no money for the same reasons Rock's hadn't: he wanted absolutely nothing to do with the tape. Funny, neither did we.
13. Tila Tequila (2014)
Tila Tequila, whose claim to fame is unofficially related to MySpace, released a very hardcore sex tape of her own, descriptively titled: "Tila Tequila: Backdoored and Squirting". Vivid inked the deal for her sex tape, which saw profits of around $200,000, Blatt says.
Of all the stories that have come up since Prince passed away, the one Jimmy Fallon just told about playing ping pong against Prince might be the best. RIP, Prince. You were a great guitarist. And apparently, an even better ping pong player.