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Articles on this Page
- 04/26/16--07:50: _10 Things That Suck...
- 04/26/16--08:40: _14 Bits Of Useless ...
- 04/26/16--09:04: _This Awkward Tinder...
- 04/26/16--09:50: _14 Things You Don't...
- 04/26/16--09:18: _Portuguese Model Sa...
- 04/26/16--10:26: _This Classroom Pran...
- 04/26/16--10:32: _Lindsey Pelas' Snap...
- 04/26/16--11:47: _Pervert Caught Upsk...
- 04/26/16--12:12: _This Is Not How You...
- 04/26/16--12:41: _California Woman Bu...
- 04/27/16--03:03: _31 Of The Funniest ...
- 04/27/16--04:01: _Famous Ad Slogans A...
- 04/27/16--04:14: _Today's Funny Photos
- 04/27/16--05:20: _A Free Biology Repo...
- 04/27/16--05:50: _The Weekly Mandator...
- 04/27/16--06:21: _California Gamer Gi...
- 04/27/16--07:50: _10 Pro Wrestling In...
- 04/27/16--08:59: _The Photoshop Geniu...
- 04/27/16--09:50: _14 Male Struggles T...
- 04/27/16--10:28: _Young Blonde Woman ...
- 04/26/16--07:50: 10 Things That Suck About Adulthood You Never Noticed As A Kid
- 04/26/16--08:40: 14 Bits Of Useless Information You Should Know For Some Reason
- 04/26/16--09:04: This Awkward Tinder Exchange Trumps All The Other Awkward Exchanges
- 04/26/16--09:50: 14 Things You Don't Want To Happen To You
- 04/26/16--09:18: Portuguese Model Sara Sampaio Goes Nude For Maxim's May Cover
- 04/26/16--10:26: This Classroom Prank Equals Guaranteed Laughs Every Time
- 04/26/16--10:32: Lindsey Pelas' Snapchat Stories Are The Hottest Stories
- 04/26/16--12:12: This Is Not How You Want To Finish A Bike Race
- 04/26/16--12:41: California Woman Busted Walking Her Dog While Driving Her Car
- 04/27/16--03:03: 31 Of The Funniest Blow Job Tweets Of All Time
- 04/27/16--04:01: Famous Ad Slogans Also Make For Great Condom Taglines
- 04/27/16--04:14: Today's Funny Photos
- 04/27/16--05:50: The Weekly Mandatory Meme Contest: Bending Over Backwards
- 04/27/16--07:50: 10 Pro Wrestling Interviews That Went Terribly Wrong
- 04/27/16--08:59: The Photoshop Genius On Twitter Is Back With More Hilarious Pictures
- 04/27/16--09:50: 14 Male Struggles That Are Definitely Real
Waking Up at 7 AM
Remember when your biggest responsibility was nothing? Those were the days, huh? Sure, kids are assigned chores to fulfill to make them feel like anything they do until they move out of the house matters, but it's all just to humor them. If they had to deal with any of the stress that comes from an actual job, they wouldn't excitedly wake up every Saturday morning (or the other six days, for that matter) at 7 AM to watch cartoons. As an adult who literally has to wake up that early to survive, I would gladly exchange every pleasant memory from every "X-Men" animated series episode I ever watched for just five more minutes of sweet, sweet sleep. And that's after I already hit snooze until 8 AM.
Bending Down to Pick Up Anything
When I was a child, I used to climb to the very top of the jungle gym daily and leap off, tucking and rolling my way to the next potential broken leg. Nowadays, I seriously have to contemplate whether it will be worth the agony of bending down and pick up a dropped pen before I attempt such a feat. And even then, I usually land on purposely kicking it under a table and pretending like didn't notice I dropped it in the first place. Thriftier people than I would be wise to start following me around and collecting the loose change that I immediately chalk up as a loss the second it hits the ground.
Every Time You Stand on Your Knees for More Than 10 Seconds
The same could be said for crouching. Back in the day, I'd ruin countless pairs of pants because I was continually sliding around on gym floors and climbing through McDonald's playhouses. Now, even the shortest period of time spent on my knees is followed by the excruciating pain struggling back to my feet. After the last time I had to look under my kitchen sink for cleaning supplies, I considered attaching a rope to the ceiling above just so I'd have extra support as I strained to get up. Then I remembered that I couldn't even climb a rope as a child and scrapped the whole thing.
Sprinting Towards Something You Are Excited For
Anymore, it would take a dead relative rising from the grave for me to even lightly trot towards them with any form of enthusiasm. Who has the energy for it? Recently, I attended a wedding and tried to cut a rug on the dance floor to "Shout" and wound up with one of those side aches you get from jogging. Keep in mind, this was the abridged version of the song, too. But it used to be that something as simple as getting in line for Six Flags tickets would have me darting to the entrance ahead of my parents, even though I knew it would result in having to wear one of those awful child leashes. Of course, now that I'm the adult, you can bet your ass any child under my care will have one strapped to his wrist out of the sheer fear that I would have to chase them otherwise.
I don't know about anyone else, but when I was a kid, going out for groceries was not only an adventure, but one I would usually come back from with toys. That's pretty much all you could ask for as a child, so you were stoked at that potential alone. Not to mention the fact that for the first several years of your life, you'd also be carted around like a king. As an adult grocery shopper, the whole process is depressing and takes valuable time away from sitting on your ass eating whatever disgusting food you're ashamed to come back with. If that's not comparing shiny new apples to rotting oranges, I don't know what is.
Taking a Bath
Those toys I just mentioned used to go great with a nighttime bubble bath, which was the main draw to taking one in the first place. Sure, most kids don't exactly love getting clean, but combined with imagination and a few choice action figures, it wasn't without its perks. But as you get older, and especially if you aren't a woman (they seem to still find ways to enjoy them somehow), about the only time you will catch yourself taking a bath is when you are sick with the flu and trying to break your fever by taking a hot soak. Furthermore, you're still going to have to shower afterwards considering you're sitting in a combination of liquid body odor, flop sweat, and what I can only imagine resides in the average buttcrack by day's end.
Candy used to be a no strings attached treat that you could eat nonstop with minimal effect on your body. Now, a fun size Hershey bar could potentially ruin your life. Whereas children keep going back for more because it's delicious and has no consequences, adults basically eat it to punish themselves, all the while realizing that the pure garbage they're shoveling into their fat bodies isn't nearly as good as they remember it. Ditto for sugary breakfast cereals.
If there's any one category that sums this entire article up in a nutshell, it's this one. Family vacations are great as a child because, as the kid, you contribute nothing to it other than being a pain in the ass the entire time. So imagine being locked in a cramped space with several of them as an adult for a long period of time. Children can't sit still for 10 minutes, so good luck with 10 states. Not to mention every other aspect that goes into a vacation that you're also in charge of. Are we having fun yet?
Everything about the daily commute to school as a child versus to work as an adult is different, and virtually none of it is in a good way. The bus ride to school may not have been the funnest part of your day growing up, but at least you had people to hang out with who were your age and hopefully fun. The people you are sharing the road to work with are just angry, and for some reason always in a hurry and hate you. Basically, just like the old Volkswagen ads used to say, "On the road of life, there are passenger and there are drivers." You're now officially always the driver. Lucky you.
The Company of Children
All points were ultimately leading to this. Kids suck. We all know it. We all hate that we were one of them. The only reason we have to be around them now is because they would die without us. On top of that, we're the entire reason their lives are so great in the first place. And in return, we wind up looking like Chris Farley above when forced to spend the day with them. Doesn't really seem fair, does it?
No need to smash it on your hand till it works.
For most new cars, if your car fob's battery dies you can still access an old-fashioned keyhole. Who knew?
The truth is revealed.
The heads on Easter Island have full bodies buried beneath them. So call them 'Easter Bodies' from now on.
When dogs drink water they form a small cup with the backs of their tongues. Talk about saving the planet by not having to use paper cups.
Eh, we still rule.
Did you know that Britain's coins form a picture of the country's coat of arms? Sure, you don't care, but you will when you're on "Jeopardy!" and you have to know this for the Daily Double.
I'm more interested in the backstory to this picture.
Chickens can float like ducks! If you ever find yourself drowning make sure you reach out for a chicken in the water.
Now you can look like less of a pig (sort of).
This is supposed to be a less messy way to eat cupcakes. Even though your hand will be covered in frosting afterwards.
That's Sir Penguin to you.
Norway knighted a penguin named Nils Olav in 2008. Nils is the mascot for the Norwegian Royal Guard. So what have you done with your life?
If only I had money for gas.
Bet you didn't know that's for your gas cap. Now this is a helpful tip for next time you siphon gas from your neighbor.
You need to ease up, George.
This is what all the deaths in George R.R. Martin's "A Song of Ice and Fire" look like. You're a sick man, George. A sick man.
That locksmith you paid $350 for had the right idea.
This is how a key and lock work. I don't know why you would care, but it's still nice.
So did that pickup truck I bought my meds from.
Cough syrup used to be a hell of a lot stronger.
How did we not know this?
If you turn the lid of iced drink cups over it becomes a coaster. This is perfect for people like me who consider murder anytime I see someone leave behind a wet ring on my table.
Snapple knows more than your teachers.
Now you can use this fact to get an astronomer into bed with you.
Now I've seen it all.
This is how stores make displays look nice. This is before you ruin everything looking for your size.
Do you feel smarter?
Uh, whoops: 14 Products We've All Been Using Completely Wrong
Spend enough time on Tinder and you're bound to find yourself in an extremely awkward position. That's pretty much what happened to the person below. What started off as a playful joke ended up in one seriously uncomfortable situation.
Check out the exchange below:
Also on Tinder: 29 More Fantastic Tinder Burns And Comebacks
1. Acanthamoeba Keratitis
Meaning: A disease in which amoebas invade the cornea of the eye.
Case: In 2014, 23-year-old student Lian Kao made the awful mistake of leaving her contacts in for six months. A bacterial infection formed between her eyeball and the lens, which created the perfect feeding ground for a vicious colony of microorganisms. The amoebas fed on her cornea, causing her to go blind. That's right, amoebas gnawed on her eyeballs. For six months. Kids, change your contacts every day.
2. Hydrochloric Acid Poisoning
Meaning: Consuming lethal doses of this legal poison.
Case: Car washer Zorancho Dimov was feeling deeply depressed. So he decided to kill himself. In the worst of ways. After ingesting diluted hydrochloric acid which is used to clean cars, Dimov realized he made a mistake. The acid coursed through his body and began to eat it away.
Fellow car washer, Graham Silander, who saw it all, said: "I did not know if he had bad teeth to begin with but they seemed to be dissolving." Yes, the acid dissolved his teeth, too. You heard that right. Dimov was rushed to an intensive care unit but it would be too late, as according to a doctor, "The extent of his injuries were catastrophic. The whole tract had been corroded away by acid."
3. Touching a Gympie-Gympie Tree
Meaning: A Gympie-Gympie Tree, unlike its name, isn't cute. It's dubbed the "Suicide Plant," and it secretes a deadly neurotoxin called Moroidin.
Case: Why is it called the "Suicide Plant?" Because witnesses have seen horses brush by Gympie-Gympie trees and go mad with pain, jumping off cliffs to put an end to the misery it causes. Legend has it that a soldier during WWII once used this Australian killer's leaves to wipe his ass, only to shoot himself a few days later.
Going deep into the science, tiny stinging hairs attached to the Gympie-Gympie tree's leaves shaped like hypodermic needles latch onto the victim, digging into the skin. A scientist named Marina Hurley who was studying this plant in Queensland described it as "being stung in the worst kind of pain you can imagine—like being burnt with hot acid and electrocuted at the same time."
4. Uranium Poisoning
Meaning: The worst kind of radiation imaginable.
Case: Hiroshi Ouchi—what a fitting last name—was in the wrong room at the wrong time in 1999. Working at a uranium processing plant in Japan, he was near a precipitation tank which exceeded critical mass with 16.6 kilograms of uranium, only to explode and shoot radioactive particles through Ouchi like a million little daggers.
Everything was fine until his skin started to fall off. Don't look at this picture. I said don't. They kept him alive at the University of Tokyo Hospital for 83 days, studying him, watching as his skin blackened, blistered, and slid off his bones like tender ribs. The radiation blasted his chromosomes to bits.
5. Locked-In Syndrome
Meaning: A medical condition usually after a stroke which involves your body being completely paralyzed, in many cases even your eyes, with your mind staying completely conscious.
Case: South African Martin Pistorius, of no relation to the stubbed out psychopath Oscar Pistorius, fell under this medical spell when he was 12 years old. Everyone thought he was a vegetable. His face, his body, his voice, nothing would work. Doctors and family had no idea he had locked-in syndrome, and was able to hear and think like a completely normal person.
He remembered hearing his mother tell him once, "I hope you die," seemingly out of anger and despair for the situation. Trapped in his own thoughts alone for more than a decade, Pistorius recovered, and has since forgiven his mother for those words.
6. Burning Alive in a Hot Spring
Meaning: Burning alive in a hot spring.
Case: In July 1981, California native David Kirwan and his friend Ronald Ratliff went to Yellowstone National Park to check out the Celestine Pool, a hot spring which reaches temperatures above 200 degrees Fahrenheit. When they parked the car, his beloved pooch, Moosie, ran to the Celestine Pool and leaped in. He yelped to high heavens.
Kirwan saw that his dog was burning alive so he decided to save him, to which bystanders objected. He told them all, "To hell I won't!" and dove in headfirst. As he swam to Moosie, he realized he was fucked, and clutching Moosie in his arms as he swam to the shore, he couldn't make it, so he let Moosie go. When Kirwan got out of the water he said, "That was stupid. How bad am I? That was a stupid thing I did." His eyes were entirely white, blind, and he suffered third-degree burns on 100 percent of his body. Kirwin died the following day at a Utah hospital.
7. Naegleria Fowleri
Meaning: Brain-eating amoeba.
Case: In 2013, Zachary Reyna of Florida was kneeboarding in a watery ditch with his friends. Somewhere along the line, he unknowingly imbibed this hellish microscopic monster through his nose, and within days it would reach his brain. The 12-year-old succumbed to the nightmarish process of a slow death, and 23 days later, the parasite killed the young host. Over the past 53 years, Naegleria Fowleri has killed 98 percent of its 132 victims. Stay out of the water, kids.
8. Aquagenic Urticarial
Meaning: Allergy to water.
Case: When Barbara Ward was in her early twenties, she took a bath and it sent her into anaphylactic shock. Doctors concluded she was like the aliens in "Signs" in that she is deathly allergic to H20. Ward says that she hasn't drank a plain glass of water in 20 years, only small sips of milk and tea, and that she only takes two two-minute baths a week—which also cause her body to writhe in unimaginable pain.
It affects one out of every 230 million people. Ward isn't the only known case, however. There's a teenager out of Utah named Alexandra Allen who described aquagenic urticarial as a feeling "like your skin has been sandpapered down until there's only one layer left and it itches, but you can't itch it or it will break and burn and bleed."
9. Death by Cassowary
Meaning: The Cassowary is a six-foot-tall, 120-pound ostrich-like bird native to Queensland that is basically a Freddy Kruger velociraptor with five-inch toes described as "death cudgels with knives attached." It kills people.
Case: In April 1926, a 16-year-old named Phillip McClean was out with his brother hunting in northern Australia. They came across an aggressive Cassowary that charged them and made nasty noises. The boys put up a fight, knocking it with baseball bats, but it wouldn't budge. In fact, this only pissed it off more. I'm not making this up: The bird literally roundhouse-kicked McClean in the jugular, causing massive blood-loss within seconds, killing him.
10. Boiled Alive
Meaning: Sean Doyle - The recipient of the worst death in history.
Case: Sean Doyle and his friend Michael Wright were out for the night during Christmas in 2002. Wright accused Doyle of hitting on his girlfriend, and a sequence of typical New York City street fighting ensued. Witnesses say they heard Doyle scream, "No, don't break my legs!" before he was thrown down an open manhole.
But this wouldn't be no ordinary manhole. At the bottom was boiling water which resulted from a broken main. Doyle was still alive after falling 18 feet down the hole, not even suffering a single broken bone, but he would suffer an even worse fate. The manhole itself was a scalding 300 degrees, and firefighters called to the scene wouldn't even go down it. They heard him scream for what seemed to be forever until they were able to retrieve him ... four hours later.
When they brought his lifeless body to the surface, his body temperature was 125 degrees. The medical examiner who told this story to the New York Post cited it as one of the most horrific things she has ever seen. As she put it, Doyle was "steamed like a lobster," his internal organs cooked, his skin peeled from his bones. The man literally boiled alive.
11. Alien Hand Syndrome
Meaning: A neurological disorder where hands do things without the person's control. Kind of like the movie "Idle Hands."
Case: It's afflicted many, but one New Jersey native would tell the BBC exactly of her travails. After a surgery to treat her epilepsy, strange things started happening to Karen Byrne. The 55-year-old's left hand would do things that she didn't command with her brain. One time at the doctor's office, a doctor asked her, "Karen, what are you doing? Your hand's undressing you." Her left hand was undressing her shirt, but she didn't know. "So I start rebutting with the right hand and, as soon as I stopped, the left hand started unbuttoning them," she said. "I'd light a cigarette, balance it on an ashtray, and then my left hand would reach forward and stub it out."
12. Cotard's Syndrome
Meaning: Also called "walking corpse syndrome," people believe they're dead.
Case: In 2008, a 53-year-old Filipino woman went to the hospital under the delusion that she was dead. She told the doctor that she smelled her own rotting flesh, and requested that she be moved to the morgue to be among other dead people. There have been more than a hundred cases of Cotard's syndrome happening all over the world, including an Alabama teenager whose affliction was cured with a large dose of Disney movies. Seriously.
13. Brain Aneurysm
Meaning: A leak or rupture of a blood vessel in the brain.
Case: Horrific because it happens at random, survivors of brain aneurysms describe the sensation like drowning, because your brain is literally leaking blood. Last year, a story went viral of a news anchor who fatally succumbed to a brain aneurism after a shoot in Queens. When she was inside the van, she told others, "Oh my God, something is wrong," and died on the spot. Lisa Colagrossi was entirely healthy right up until the last second.
14. Epidermodysplasia Verruciformis
Meaning: A recessive skin disorder combined with HPV which causes your extremities to look like gnarled tree bark.
Case: A Bangladeshi man named Abdul Bajandra has been living with this disease—I refuse to type it again because it's obnoxiously long—for over 20 years. In his small village of Khulna, people call him "Tree Man." He was forced to quit his job as a rickshaw driver, can't use a toothbrush anymore, and gave up on forks because it was impossible to eat. In February, Dhaka surgeons offered to remove the growths from his body for free since it's since a rare disorder.
If you've never heard of 24-year-old model Sara Sampaio, allow us to introduce her to you. Sampaio is a model from Portugal who won a nationwide contest when she was 16 to appear in shampoo ads. After winning, her parents wanted her to continue with her schooling, so she did. And she studied advanced mathematics. Solving division problems without a calculator is advanced mathematics for me.
Fast forward a few years and Sampaio has quickly become a sought-after model. You can now see her on the May cover of Maxim. Take a look at the sexy cover thanks to her Instagram:
Since we're all pervs, here are some more hot photos of Sampaio that you can also find on her Instagram:
Get to know Sara a little more: Sara Sampaio Pulled Out All The Stops To Become A Victoria's Secret Model
Is there anything funnier than a penis drawing? Not unless it's a hidden penis drawing revealed at just the right moment. Enter your college professor.
Congratulations, you've lost their respect forever. Sure, you can try and convince them it's just a rocket ship taking off, but I think we've seen enough boners for one day.
Since you can't deny it, might as well embrace it: The Top 50 Nicknames For Your Penis
There's no need to mince words here: Lindsey Pelas is a busty blonde bombshell known for her large and exquisite natural breasts. She has a knack for heating up Instagram, running in slow motion and hanging out with other hot models like Abigail Ratchford.
Oh, and she's also a girl you want to add on Snapchat (lindseypelas). As you can see from the shots below, her stories are straight fire. And these don't even include the videos.
If only all morninggggggggs were like this.
More: Lindsey Pelas And Jordan Carver Bounce Around During Some Bumpy Off-Roading
Some dude on a train in Naijing, China, recently thought he was being so damn sneaky with his camera that nobody was going to catch him snapping upskirt pics of unsuspecting female passengers.
That was not the case:
I'd say that by the looks of things, that's the fastest that kid has run in years.
Good for this young lady, though, as the standard has now been set that you will be forced to eat the SD card containing pictures of female crotches belonging to unwilling participants if you get caught upskirting on the subway. And we'll assume that that punishment was welcomed by this clown, as you have to think there are some places over there where they'll cut off your pecker for being an upskirting pervert.
Why wait until you get home to surf through smut when you can just do it before class starts: People Caught Looking At Porn On Their Phones In Public
Marianne Vos is a 28-year-old Dutch racer nicknamed "The Cannibal" who has been called the "finest cyclist of her generation." She has won 12 world championships and two gold medals, so you know that she has won her fair share of races.
The Dwars door de Westhoek Sunday afternoon was not one of them:
Making the crash even more painful to watch was the fact that it happened just 50 meters from the finish line.
Thankfully, Vos didn't suffer any major injuries as a result of the crash, as she is just "bruised, with her right hip, shoulder and elbow taken the majority of the impact, but nothing's broken." And like a true champion, she blamed nobody but herself after the race.
"It was totally my fault," Vos said. "I was in front, but noticed that there was someone coming. I gave it some extra power, but my rear wheel came up off the cobblestones and I was launched into the fence. My own fault because I was leaning too far forward. The center of gravity was too far in front."
No word on how many competitors "The Cannibal" has eaten to date.
Cars in the middle of a bike race? I mean, what could possibly go wrong? The Most Intense Solo Bike Crash You Will Ever See
Here's a video that's almost as disturbing as having to clean up my grandpa after a "Matlock" marathon.
According to Fox 40, a Stockton woman was recently captured on video walking her dog. What makes the story newsworthy is the fact that the dog was the only one doing the walking because the woman was pulling it while she was sitting behind the wheel of her car and driving down the street.
Sadly, the Stockton Police Department said their animal control unit watched the video and still determined that no harm had been brought upon the dog. They did add that if they would have witnessed the woman pulling her dog alongside her car with a rope, they would have issued her a ticket for "distracted driving," but that's it.
The dog owner also felt like she was doing nothing wrong because "the dog wasn't dragged and there was no tension on its leash." The good news for dog lovers is that with that rationale, it should only be a matter of time before she's hit with some kind of charge related to meth use.
"People are a bunch of lazy pieces of crap": Funny Pictures Of People Being Extremely Lazy, Vol. 2
There are so many funny things about sex that we normally don't talk about, and asking your partner to put your penis in their mouth is definitely one of them. These hilarious guys and girls have some very humorous perspectives on it and were kind enough to share them on the Internet. Here are 31 of the funniest blow job tweets of all time.
Is it "blowjob" one word or "blow job" two words?— denise (@Stellacopter) October 15, 2012
God I hate writing thank you cards.
Merry Christmas from these blowjob statues in my in-laws house. pic.twitter.com/UwSY8iGFNj— Timothy Simons (@timothycsimons) December 22, 2014
It's called St. Valentine's Day because St. Blowjob for Jewelry Day just didn't have the same ring to it.— Erica (@SCbchbum) February 9, 2012
pretty cool that you can sneeze during a blow job and kill a guy— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) April 13, 2015
I never know what to do with my hands during a blowjob.— Shane (@shanethevein) May 18, 2013
Put them behind my head, behind her head?
Fuck it, I'm going with two thumbs up.
The only drawback to driving a PT Cruiser is having to constantly look down to make sure you aren't getting a blowjob— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) December 14, 2012
Porn "Ratatouille": a rat lives in my mouth and gives u a great blowjob— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 19, 2016
straight from a Cosmo blow job tip column pic.twitter.com/2HEppzcXFs— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) April 8, 2016
Popsicles: offering blowjob practice since1905— JAY [ham] KAY (@NurseMurderer) July 28, 2013
In 50 years you'll be bragging to your grandson about sexting, while he's getting a blowjob from his girlfriend's hologram.— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) July 12, 2013
Whoever received the first blowjob in history was the most persuasive man of all time— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) July 8, 2013
Eating turkey bacon is like getting a blowjob, but on your elbow.— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) April 1, 2013
"OMG please cum— Amber (@Amburglar_) January 23, 2013
Please cum ALREADY!"
-what girls think during a blowjob
Its fun to say "Okay, open wide!" and make airplane noises write before a blow job.— pauly casillas (@PaulyPeligroso) February 28, 2014
me: I got a blow job— josh (@ruinedpicnic) March 14, 2016
me: yeah... i got a job selling blow 😂😂😂😂
friend: wait you're selling cocaine?
Who ever said 'imitation is the best form of flattery' has clearly never had a blowjob.— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) March 21, 2014
blowjob a is "job"— Max Landis (@Uptomyknees) January 5, 2016
but when you go down on a girl you're "eating out"
sounds more fun to have a fancy dinner than go to work at your job
when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) November 3, 2012
Fatherhood is explaining Dan Akroyd's ghost blowjob. pic.twitter.com/w3WG2AqS12— Gerry Duggan (@GerryDuggan) April 3, 2016
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a blow job*— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) January 31, 2015
In the memo of the check for my taxes, I wrote "Toothy blowjob".— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) March 30, 2012
I'm sorry, but if I'm giving you a blowjob and a song I like comes on, I'm using your penis as a microphone.— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) February 28, 2012
when ur giving a blowjob and he shoves it down your throat when u weren't ready pic.twitter.com/1c1RKIbcgh— Elijah Daniel (@aguywithnolife) November 11, 2014
A blowjob from Nancy Grace counts as anal sex.— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) June 30, 2013
Mom always gives Dad a blowjob on Father's Day, which is soooooooo gross because he's been dead 15 years.— Princess Anús (@Slashleen) June 16, 2013
If I win the Powerball I'll probably keep going in to work every day (to flip off my former coworkers then go back home to Blowjob Mansion).— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) May 19, 2013
drizzling Elmers glue on my face because I want my friends to think I finally gave someone a blow job— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) January 4, 2014
The best way to offer a guy a blowjob is to tell him you want to put it in your lasagna hole.— rob delaney (@robdelaney) September 27, 2014
The day my husband got down on his knees to propose I thought "oh wow my first blowjob."— denise (@Stellacopter) February 28, 2015
Bucket list: give head while wearing the glasses w/ the googley eyes on springs, keep apologizing and putting them back in as they fall out.— Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) November 26, 2012
There's no greater feeling than repurposing something for better use. And when it comes to advertising slogans, they can only last for so long anyways, so why not recycle them? These condom wrappers certainly have the right idea. And for the most part, they still make perfect sense, too.
To be fair, maybe the Energizer one is giving us a little too much credit, but whatever.
Related: What If Car Brand Billboards Were Honest?
If you are reading this, then you are wasting precious time that could be spent laughing uproariously at the funny photos directly below. What are you doing, you fool?! Get to the lolz!
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Mia Khalifa is one funny porn star.
In case you missed 'em, here are yesterday's Funny Photos.
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No matter what people tell you, high school is tough. Between trying to find your place in the social pyramid, dealing with issues and trying to figure out your future, it's no surprise homework sometimes gets put in the back-burner. But not to fear, Obvious Plant is at it again, this time leaving a free biology report on wolves in front of a Los Angeles high school.
Here's what the lucky guy or gal who got to this first will be turning in.
More free stuff: Here's Some Fantastic Free Dating Advice
Lea May, a very popular live streamer who goes by the name of LegendaryLea, has reeled in a big following by simply sharing her gaming footage online. But she may have shared a bit more than she intended to when she accidentally flashed her fans, which led many people to complain to Twitch.
The 26-year-old is being accused of flashing her vagina to her viewers while playing "Dark Souls." May sits up and lifts her leg, unintentionally showing some skin to her fans, the majority of which I assume have never seen a naked woman.
May was quickly banned, with the following statement shared by Twitch to her fans: "The community has closed this channel due to terms of service violations." May has been banned for 30 days from streaming, and May is not happy at all:
For the record Thighs =\= equal vag. Sorry I had to stand in an awkward way due to my ankle injury. Boy shorts were underneath calm down 💦— Lea (@LegendaryLeaTV) April 25, 2016
30 day suspension. I'll be periscoping & doing vlogs till then. Can't do many interesting things ATM till my ankle heals and hopefully soon— Lea (@LegendaryLeaTV) April 25, 2016
Here's the "flashing" as it played out. And don't worry, it's censored, so you don't have to cover it from your boss or that girl who sits behind you who already thinks you're weird:
Pretty crummy of those nerds to report her, and even more crummy that she got banned. Let's make ourselves feel better by looking at some pictures of May from her Twitter:
Not sure this was accident: Woman Interrupts Live News Report By Flashing Her Magnificent Breasts
It takes a lot more than you think to be a professional wrestler. You have to be in great physical condition. You have to be athletic and charismatic. You have to be a good actor. You also have to be able to learn lines and improvise on the fly. Unfortunately that last part hasn't been a strength for way too many wrestlers and it has led to some truly hilarious moments. Here are 10 promos and interviews that went terribly wrong.
1. Lex Luger has all sorts of problems
You probably remember Lex Lugar as a wrestling star from your childhood, but as the years caught up with him, he ended up working the indie circuit. Here he is in one of the biggest train wreck promos you'll ever see, as he forgets the name of the event and then has even worse issues removing his shirt. It's honestly almost difficult to watch.
2. Scott Steiner attempts to use math in a promo
Scott Steiner gained a reputation of not being the smartest guy in the locker room. That's what made this promo so confusing, when Steiner decided to incorporate math into his taunts. Try and keep up, but honestly it makes so little sense it's not worth your brain power.
3. Booker T let's a word slip out
Booker T has been a familiar face in professional wrestling for years, but one moment he'd surely like to forget took place when he was in WCW as a member of Harlem Heat. He got so caught up in talking trash to Lex Luger and Hulk Hogan that he slipped and called Hogan the n-word. You can see the regret on his face as soon as the words leave his mouth.
4. Michael Buffer calls him Bret "The Hitman" Clarke
WCW often brought in Michael Buffer for big events, which was cool, except for the fact that Buffer apparently knows nothing about professional wrestling. It's kind of hard to get excited for a match when the prestigious ring announcer refers to him as Bret "The Hitman" Clarke.
5. Randy Orton asks for his line
There's a good chance that every wrestler has forgotten their line at some point. As many live spots as they do, it's inevitable. Most of them just improvise and roll with the punches, but not Randy Orton. Instead, Orton brought everything to a screeching halt, turned to Sheamus, and asked him for his line. It's so incredibly obvious and feels like some sort of dress rehearsal.
6. Jake "The Snake" Roberts is definitely drunk
If you grew up on pro wrestling, there's a good chance Jake "The Snake" Roberts was a big part of your childhood. Nowadays Roberts is healthy and seems back to his old self, but that wasn't always the case. There was a time period when Roberts was almost constantly a mess. This interview is a pretty good summary of how things were going for him, as he's clearly intoxicated and barely making sense. It's definitely not a highlight reel moment for him.
7. Michael McGillicutty gets lost and can't find his way back to the script
This is so great. You have to give him credit for not just mumbling "uh, uh, uh" over and over, but this isn't much better. Just take in this 30 seconds of absolute cringe-inducing magic.
8. Hulk Hogan can't say words
This is an all-time classic. Hulk Hogan has been around long enough where improvising lines shouldn't be a problem, but in this instance, he just couldn't get the words out. It wouldn't have been that big of a deal if he didn't insist on starting over and attempting the lines over and over again. After a few minutes you just start feeling bad for him.
9. The Sandman started drinking a little too early
If you were a fan of ECW, you remember The Sandman as the guy that came out smoking cigarettes and chugging beers that he'd then smash on his forehead until he was busted open. Well it seems as though on this particular night, Sandman decided not to wait until his intro music to start chugging beers, as he gives one of the most confusing and incoherent promos you'll ever encounter.
10. Psycho Sid with the gem of all gems
Sid had a reputation of messing up lines and just being not that bright, but one of the best moments was on Monday Nitro when Scott Hall and Kevin Nash were in the ring making fun of Sid. He comes out and defends himself by saying he has half the brains they do. The best part is watching Hall and Nash completely lose it as Sid just keeps yelling louder and louder. It's simply fantastic.
After all of this, people may finally stop asking James Fridman for help, but until then we're going to keep laughing along with him. You may have heard of Fridman and his Photoshop skills, as we mentioned his most hilarious editing jobs recently. But that's not all the "helpful" work he has done, as he continues to give the people what they want. Check out more of his best work courtesy of his Twitter account.
Now see if you can find the differences:
Doing God's work: Girl Asks For Photoshop Help To Fat Shame A Stranger, Gets Exactly What She Deserves
1. Shaving your balls requires surgeon-like precision.
Let's be real: ball hair is gross. It makes your bag look like an aging porcupine with cancer. But when the time comes to inevitably shave it, one must treat his sack like Ben Carson with a scalpel. One knick, and it's all over.
2. That cute girl we find on OKCupid is usually a fat guy who works for OKCupid.
Free dating sites aren't free. Zoosk. POF. Christian Mingle. As guys, we know that the once-in-a-lifetime babe we snagged and converse with nightly is probably a guy. He sucks you in with sweet nothings only to disappear when things get heavy. It should be illegal. God, I miss him.
3. You can't tell a person you genuinely like kids.
In today's ultra-paranoid world, if you mention to someone that you like kids, they'll immediately think you're a pedo. Even dads know that when they take their daughters to a park, they'll likely be the recipient of brooding stares. Tony Montana likes kids, so why can't we?
4. When our penises touch the toilet seat.
One moment, you're peacefully taking a poo, the next you're dreading AIDS, herpes, or some kind of Hep. It happens all the time, and when it does, your day is ruined.
5. You can't order that blue drink at the bar because of "the implication."
Those blue drinks are damn delicious. But you can't walk around with one inside a bar or else people will think you're either batting for the other team or plain creepy. And that's sad, because mojitos are also good.
6. Wiping to no avail, a.k.a. "peanut butter butt."
Sure, I'm confident that women also experience peanut butter butt—the never-ending quest to wipe your ass totally clean—only to fail. But men have to deal with clumps of hair. That makes things infinitely harder. Rafi from "The League" described it as"wiping peanut butter out of a shag carpet." Not sure where all these peanut butter analogies are coming from, but they're accurate.
7. Whiskey dick.
The cause and treatment of whiskey dick should be documented in scientific journals, because they afflict approximately 75 percent of dudes. It's a strange paradox that when guys are at their charming best (drunk), their penises are at their utter worst. Whiskey dick: it's essentially erectile dysfunction, and equally humiliating.
8. Summoning every bit of mental discipline NOT to smell your fingers after you itch your balls.
Ladies, we're disgusting. But we're animals, too, and it's almost like a dog sniffing his own. I don't do it personally because I'm better than that. I don't, really (what, did someone tell you something?). Anyway, I would say it's a first-world problem, but something tells me third-worlders scrape up some zesty fresh.
9. Trying to figure out women.
Trying to figure out women is like trying to figure out quantum mechanics as a special needs child. It's impossible. Melvin Gibson couldn't do it in "What Women Want," so where's the hope? Best to just nod and tell them they're right.
10. The emasculation of calling up a real man to fix your TV.
Going to the auto mechanic is especially disheartening, too. There you are, trying to explain to the rugged, leathery, alpha-dog grease monkey that you hear a slight ticking sound coming from your engine when you drive. Your voice cracks while you speak and your balls shrivel up to the size of pellets in his presence. He opens the hood only to find that you left your cap off the last time you changed your oil. He looks at you like a disappointed father, and you feel lonelier than ever on the ride back home.
11. We know that most of us will end up like Clint Eastwood in "Grand Torino": alone, bitter, and drinking Pabst on our front porch.
Louis C.K. dubbed it "that forever lonely," and a huge chunk of us guys feel like it on the regular. We know that our Golden Years will be filled with drinking warm beer, grimacing at Hmong gangsters in our neighborhoods, and wondering when the hell we're going to die. It's true, so don't shoot the messenger.
12. Premature ejaculation & public boners.
Both go hand-in-hand and have to do with a shameful lack of self-control. It's estimated that 30 percent of guys suffer from premature petering; the other 70 percent desperately hold it in like a levee during Hurricane Katrina. As for public boners, nothing is more frightening than wearing tight pants and feeling a swell coming on.
13. Three streams of pee.
You walk into the bathroom with high hopes to take a nice, refreshing piss. The next thing you know, you're spraying the walls like a rogue fire hose. Malfunctioning piss pipes happen—usually after sex or masturbation—and since almost every guy masturbates at least once a day, three streams of pee is a daily occurrence.
14. Most dudes in porn have iguana-sized banana dongs, setting unrealistic expectations.
Where's the equal opportunity employment in the adult entertainment industry? It's penisist, I say!
Since it is super trendy to rant while in a parked car, much like it is to trash this generation, a blonde gal named Alexis Bloomer went ahead and combined both things. Bloomer made a video apologizing to the elder generations for the millennials and their shitty behavior.
Sure, this is completely rehearsed, looks like she's reading from cue cards and sounds worse than I did giving a presentation in history class, but take a look at her YouTube video below anyway and ponder what she has to say:
Hey, we already know we suck. I don't think we needed some blonde chick reminding us of that before pulling up to Jamba Juice and telling everyone she's there by taking a picture of her drink and posting it all over social media. Sorry, elders.
Damn millennials: 15 New Annoying Buzzwords And Why They Suck