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Man Claims His Masturbation Habit as a Kid Killed His Cat

August 8, 2014, 2:44 am
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Granted, the story was originally posted to a Reddit confession board, which at times should be taken as seriously as a Craigslist missed connection, but it's an unbelievable story nonetheless.
man's masturbation habit kills cat
According to Uproxx, a man known only as "cumoncarpet" posted a remarkable story on Reddit's "Today I F!@*ed Up" confession board Thursday night on how his masturbation technique as a 14-year-old kid unfortunately killed his family's cat.

The entire story can be read here, but the gist of it is that this guy was punching his clown "like no tomorrow" when he was 14. But instead of using tissue or a Cubs shirt like the rest of us, this guy would splooge onto his bedroom carpet.

At the same time, the family's 18-year-old cat was having bladder control problems, and this guy's dad bought a black light to see if the cat was pissing on the carpet. Needless to say, when his dad turned on the black light in his bedroom, there were "50 or so splotches of glowing stains."

Thinking those stains were cat piss, this guy's dad put down the family cat, and he did it while this guy was at away at camp.

Poor Fluffy.

Not everybody's carpet feels like you're walking on nails: 25 Signs Your Roommate Is Masturbating (Or Just Finished)

 

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This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets

August 8, 2014, 2:50 am
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Mandatory Viewing: Penelope Cruz's Lingerie Commercial

August 8, 2014, 3:00 am
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Welcome to Mandatory Viewing - our weekly show where men talk sports, politics, current events and really weird Internet videos they hope their children will never see. This week: high diving's worst fail, Penelope Cruz's lingerie commercial, and much more.

 

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The Slow Mo Show's Real-Life Fruit Ninja

August 8, 2014, 3:00 am
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Welcome to the Slow Mo Show, where we take cool things back a few steps to show you how awesome they really are. This week? We had the Real-Life Fruit Ninja go all samurai on some produce.

 

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South Carolina Mother Calls 911 Because of Son's Porn

August 8, 2014, 4:12 am
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I mean, it's better than calling 911 for sex, but just barely.

According to the New York Daily News, a Spartanburg woman called 911 Tuesday afternoon after her two-year-old daughter turned on the television and started watching a skin flick that had previously been viewed by her 15-year-old son.
mom calls 911 over son's porn
When Chavonda Gallman returned home with her daughter, the television was turned off and her son was in his bedroom. It wasn't clear what he was doing in there, but it was painfully clear to Gallman what he was doing before that: watching porn on the living room TV.

Gallman's son apparently made the rookie mistake of not changing the channel before he turned off the tube, so when his little sister switched it back on, it was smut city for the two-year-old.

When police arrived, Gallman told them she needed "backup" because her son was having "behavior issues," and she wanted to file a report to "document her son's behavior and due to her daughter being exposed to porn."

Let's be honest: If this is how Gallman reacted over what she saw on the television, she probably would have suffered a massive heart attack if she would have opened her son's computer.

911, what's your emergency? Um, yeah. They put the wrong sauce on my Flatizza: Woman calls 911 Because of Her Subway Pizza

 

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Milwaukee Bar Has Bloody Mary With Entire Fried Chicken on Top

August 8, 2014, 5:27 am
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Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, but a Milwaukee bar has come up with a drink that looks like it is so worth it to live that way for just one day.

According to Huffington Post, Sobelman's Pub & Grill will add a new Bloody Mary to their menu this Saturday that will set you back $50 bucks, mostly because it comes with an entire fried chicken on top.

chicken fried bloody beast sobelman's pub & grill
The "Chicken Fried Bloody Beast" is four Bloody Marys in one and comes with cheese, sausage, pickle, olive, onion, mushroom, asparagus, scallion, shrimp, lemon, Brussels sprouts, tomato, celery, two skewers of bacon-wrapped jalapeño cheese balls called "Baconadoes" and, of course, an entire fried chicken.

Putting something other than a pickle on top of their Bloodies is nothing new for Sobelman's. Two years ago, the pub made headlines by creating a Bloody Mary with a cheeseburger on top.

We're not sure how many calories come with the "Chicken Fried Bloody Beast," but let's be honest - if you're buying this thing, who gives a shit?

​We're pretty sure the "Chicken Fried Bloody Beast" is near the top of this list: Foods That Make You Poop

 

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Hat Tans Is an Epidemic You Don't Want to Be a Part Of

August 8, 2014, 5:50 am
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Look, if you're going to be out in the sun for an extended period of time, it's probably best to occasionally remove your hats, glasses or anything else that might cause an odd tan line. Otherwise, you might end up like all of the numbnuts in this collection of photos. The first couple are (understandably tanned) pro golfers. But the rest are pretty much (and unsurprisingly) guys posing for their mugshots.

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funny hat tans
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funny hat tans

 

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Clare Grant is a Geek's Delight

August 8, 2014, 10:47 am
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Remember Tess Taylor For What She Is: A Bombshell

August 8, 2014, 1:54 pm
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7 Pizza Hacks That Will Change Your Life

August 9, 2014, 7:14 am
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7 Pizza Hacks That Will Change Your Life
Pretty much everyone loves pizza, and if you don't, I pity you. However, this is not to say that pizza lovers don't face certain challenges with the delicious cuisine. From keeping it warm to properly dealing with leftovers, there are several tricks you should know about to make sure you are getting the most out of your pie. And once you learn them, your life may never be the same. Pay close attention to these seven hacks, and become the pizza boss you've always known you can be.

 

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Fitness Model Jenna Renee Will Rock Your World

August 10, 2014, 10:49 pm
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Today's Funny Photos

August 11, 2014, 12:42 am
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'Hollyoaks' Star Jorgie Porter Proves Blonder Is Better

August 11, 2014, 12:51 am
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The Wide World of Weird Sports

August 11, 2014, 1:51 am
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10 Foods That Reduce Your Sex Drive

August 11, 2014, 2:56 am
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14 Struggles of Being the Fantasy Football Commissioner

August 11, 2014, 3:50 am
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As much as I love fantasy football, being the commissioner of your league absolutely sucks. While everyone else gets to focus solely on their lineup, you have to babysit a bunch of grown toddlers who you have to email 36 times per day. If you're the guy who has to run your league, this article is for you. These are your struggles. You are not alone. We're in this together and we will make it through. Godspeed, commissioner.

1. Your league fees could be as little as $20, but it never fails, you'll always have one or two guys that you have to chase down like a collections agency to get their money. "Oh can I give it to you next week?" NO! It's $20, not your firstborn child.

2. If you add a slot for a defensive player, the guys who get points from it love you, but the guy who lost because Sean Lee got hurt calls you an idiot for even considering it.

3. You get this text, call, or email at least once per week: "Hey I'm at _______ with no WiFi and I forgot to sub out Eli Manning who's on bye this week. Could you do me a huge favor and fix it for me? Thanks!" The best is when you get that message from the guy you're playing that week.

4. If you make the teams too big, everyone complains that the draft lasts too long, but god forbid they have to do a little research for a #3 wide receiver. Sorry you're not in a 4-team league where AJ Green is still a free agent.

5. Do you do point fractions and know that, at least one week, you're going to lose by half a point, or do you just do whole numbers and know that, at least one week, you would have won if you did fractions?

6. You've gotten a text at 2am asking you to approve a terrible trade you know will piss off the rest of the guys in the league. Now you have to decide if you want to deal with texts all night if you deny it, or an angry mob in the morning if you allow it.

7. At least one jerk will give up on his team after week 6 and stop updating his lineup so now you have to decide if you want to update it to make it fair for everyone playing him, or basically give all of his opponents a bye week with a free win.

8. If you happen to get the #1 pick in the draft, everyone thinks you rigged it.

9. If you happen to get any good draft number, everyone thinks you rigged it.

10. You study charts, graphs, and listen to every fantasy podcast to make sure you're ready for the draft. Two of your picks get hurt or benched in preseason while the guy who autodrafted ends up making the playoffs.

11. Once you've been eliminated you have to keep maintaining the league and distributing the money even though you now hate everyone that still has a shot at the championship.

12. You spent a week going back and forth to the trophy shop getting the perfect victory symbol for your league's champion. You will never win it.

13. If you set it up so trades have to be approved by the league, it takes forever because your dumb friends won't log in and check, but if it falls solely on you, everyone will hate you forever.

14. The one year you finally set up a live draft at your house, everyone has to work and you're left sitting in a room with unlimited chips and an Arian Foster cardboard cutout.

fantasy football commissioner funny

 

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10 Celebrity Actors Who Have Obviously Gotten Hair Transplants

August 11, 2014, 4:49 am
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Naked Massachusetts Man Using Leaf Blower in Driveway Gets Arrested

August 11, 2014, 4:57 am
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Unless you're Tom Brady, you're not going to be able to get away with this in Massachusetts.

According to The Smoking Gun, a 69-year-old Shrewsbury man was arrested and charged with open and gross lewdness last Monday after drivers passing his home noticed he was using a leaf blower in his driveway while he wasnaked man leaf blower naked as a jaybird.

While many motorists slowed down to take photos of Richard Capra doing yard work in the nude, others weren't too fond of it and called 911. When Officer Timothy Charland arrived on the scene, he noted Capra was "completely nude, blowing off his driveway with a leaf blower," and he was "intoxicated and belligerent towards police."

Capra was issued clothing before responding officers put him in the back of their squad car, which was probably a good thing for everybody involved.

It's also worth noting that a man by the name of Richard Capra with the handle @shrewsbury is following just four people on Twitter these days: @PublicSlut, @HotBodyDotCom, @HiddenHotties, and of course, @JLo.

Let's be honest. If @shrewsbury and the man who got busted last week doing some naked leaf blowing are the same guy, it looks like we have a favorite for the Shrewsbury "Pervert of the Year" award.

Add him to the list: 25 Very Hilarious 'Naked Man' News Headlines

 

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Check Memos: How to Make Your Friend's Banker Look at Him Funny

August 11, 2014, 5:49 am
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These days, it's very rare that you have to bust out your checkbook. Personally, I only use checks for rent and the occasional fantasy sports league entry fee. However, when the unfortunate situation of having to write a friend a check comes up, a great opportunity to write something hilarious and embarrassing for them on the memo (for) line presents itself. Here are 11 great examples of awesome check memos.

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check memo lines, funny check memos
check memo lines, funny check memos
check memo lines, funny check memos
check memo lines, funny check memos
check memo lines, funny check memos

 

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Michael Jackson's Maids Say the King of Pop Was Also the King of Filth

August 11, 2014, 5:50 am
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What was Michael Jackson doing when he wasn't allegedly sleeping with young boys?

You guessed it: pissing on his floors and wishing Steven Spielberg into "Jew hell."
michael jackson's maids said he was super disgusting
According to the New York Post, several of Jackson's maids are set to testify on behalf of one of his choreographers who filed a claim in court last week that he was once raped by Jackson. The initial hearing isn't until October 6, but the maids recently went into great detail with the newspaper about just how disgusting of a human being the "King of Pop" really was.

While the maids made dozens of allegations against the late pop star, here's a short list of what made us throw away the rest of our breakfast:

There'd be socks and underpants in the bed and half-eaten chicken and potato chips, empty bottles of wine and whiskey on the floor.

He literally peed on the floor of the entryway, right where you saw Oprah walk in. It was surreal. He just stood there, unzipped his trousers and watered the floor.

Michael sometimes ran around where the animals were, and he'd track poop throughout the house and think nothing of it. Then, if you said something, he'd threaten to make doo-doo snowballs and throw it at you.

He refused to part with a soiled baby's diaper and a pair of Fruit of the Loom that was obviously worn by someone who was either a teen or an early-age adult.

He was surprisingly very anti-Semitic. He'd lead some of the kids in chants: "Kill the bastards" and "Kill the bloodsuckers."

Yup. Elvis Presley's daughter had sex with that guy.

Michael Jackson once looked human: Memorable Men's Hairdos by the Decade

 

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