It's every former geek-boy's favorite week of television - the 27th annual Shark Week on Discovery! Although surfer-chomping began last night, it's not too late to catch up. With 13 shows, all trying to top last year's record-breaking audience, plan on ordering in thru Saturday. We give you an "only two hours to spare" version as well as the full, gory rundown.
Monday, August 11
If you only have two hours tonight, prioritize "Great White Serial Killer" and "Jaws Strikes Back." GWSK is a rerun from last night, so you'll be all caught up on the death count. Apparently there's a beach in California where a certain predator from the deep blue returns every two years on practically the same day ... to kill. We suggest watching at least the first ten minutes so you'll know when to avoid a trip to Cali. In JSB, a marine biologist travels to the remote Pacific with a special shark-cam and dive team to track the hunting behavior of the biggest great whites on the planet. Note: Do not watch if you ever dream of visiting the island of Guadalupe, which is pretty much a monster shark buffet.
Next up is "Monster Hammerhead" (alternatively catch it tomorrow - see below), "Shark After Dark" and "After Shark After Dark Live." SAD is formatted like a late-night talk show, where host Josh Wolf talks with experts and celebs about all things fin. ASADL is formatted like Andy Cohen's "Watch What Happens Live" on Bravo - your girlfriend's show in which the host does shots with whichever "Real Housewife" most recently threw a drink in someone's face. In this version, Josh Wolf tackles topics surfaced by Twitter.
Tuesday, August 12
If you only have two hours tonight, prioritize "Monster Hammerhead" and "Alien Sharks: Return to the Abyss." MH is a rerun from last night, and hits close to home, once again. The show's namesake has apparently spent the last 60 years terrorizing Floridians, and the show's hosts explore the waters off our national joke-state to discover the world's largest hammerheads. AS:RTTA looks like it'll be a fascinating hour spent on the elusive "ghost shark" - and we're not talking the 2013 SyFy made-for-TV movie by the same name (though you should totally watch that, too).
Next up is "Lair of the Mega Shark" (alternatively catch it tomorrow - see below), and tonight's new "Shark After Dark" and "After Shark After Dark Live."
Wednesday, August 13
If you only have two hours tonight, prioritize "Lair of the Mega Shark" and "Spawn of Jaws 2: The Birthing." LOTMS is a rerun from last night in which we follow two shark experts to New Zealand after locals report seeing a 20-foot Great White. Their discoveries lead them to the feeding ground of a mega-shark, and will lead you to putting the plastic mattress cover on the bed tonight. In SOJ2:TB you'll follow the two-year journey of a knocked-up shark as scientists try and pinpoint the location of a Great White "pupping ground."
Sandwiched in-between the above two shows is "Zombie Sharks," but you can catch that tomorrow (see below), and the whole lot's once again followed by new episodes of "Shark After Dark" and "After Shark After Dark Live."
Thursday, August 14
If you only have two hours tonight, prioritize "Zombie Sharks" and "I Escaped Jaws 2." ZS brings to light a unique condition experienced by our many-toothed tributes called "tonic immobility" in which predators of massive great whites are able to totally disarm their much scarier marks. Think "Law & Order: SVU," only Detective Stabler's investigating a string of homicides after discovering a potent strain of GHB. In IEJ2 you'll meet real-life shark attack victims and enjoy the awesome TV trope of reenacted drama.
If you've got another hour, watch "Sharkageddon" next, as it won't be rerun tomorrow (but will be on Saturday - see below). Then there's tonight's brand-new episodes of "Shark After Dark" and "After Shark After Dark Live."
Friday, August 15
Since it's Friday night, you'll have nothing better to do than watch Discovery's full line-up. This evening's feast includes the two-hour long "Megalodon: The Extended Cut" followed by two-hour "Megalodon: The New Evidence." Seeing as how you're a shark geek, chances are you were also a dinosaur nerd back in the day, right? Right. But if it's been too long since you outgrew your T. rex Trapper Keeper, let us remind you who Megalodon is - a species of 100-foot-long, 80-ton Satans-of-the-seas with six rows of teeth, each one about ten times larger than those of today's great white. These guys could crush the skulls of whales in split seconds. They were thought to have gone extinct 2 million years ago, but legends persist in "The Extended Cut." In "The New Evidence," a scientist shares exactly that - a recent satellite image from NASA that shows (with just a shadow of a doubt) a 70-foot-long shark off the coast of Brazil. SHUDDER.
Saturday, August 16
Why does it have to end so soon? Unfortunately, dear reader, you'll have to wait another 51 weeks until the next Shark Week, but tonight just bask in the finale. Begin with "Sharkageddon," in which superstar surfer Kala Alexander brings to light multiple shark fatalities in Hawaii, and looks into why more and more tiger sharks are picking off people. Prepare to re-plan your honeymoon. Next is "The Great White Matrix" - an Australian shark attack survivor (who sports some intimidating scars) discusses the personality of a few of the ocean beasts, then he goes and effs with them to get a reaction (dude hasn't learned his lesson). We end with "Sharksanity," the ultimate recap, which will cover the best, bloodiest moments from Shark Week 2014 (check the link for your local air times). That's a wrap!
