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The Ultimate Guide to Shark Week

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Shark week
It's every former geek-boy's favorite week of television - the 27th annual Shark Week on Discovery! Although surfer-chomping began last night, it's not too late to catch up. With 13 shows, all trying to top last year's record-breaking audience, plan on ordering in thru Saturday. We give you an "only two hours to spare" version as well as the full, gory rundown.

Shark week
Monday, August 11
If you only have two hours tonight, prioritize "Great White Serial Killer" and "Jaws Strikes Back." GWSK is a rerun from last night, so you'll be all caught up on the death count. Apparently there's a beach in California where a certain predator from the deep blue returns every two years on practically the same day ... to kill. We suggest watching at least the first ten minutes so you'll know when to avoid a trip to Cali. In JSB, a marine biologist travels to the remote Pacific with a special shark-cam and dive team to track the hunting behavior of the biggest great whites on the planet. Note: Do not watch if you ever dream of visiting the island of Guadalupe, which is pretty much a monster shark buffet.

Next up is "Monster Hammerhead" (alternatively catch it tomorrow - see below), "Shark After Dark" and "After Shark After Dark Live." SAD is formatted like a late-night talk show, where host Josh Wolf talks with experts and celebs about all things fin. ASADL is formatted like Andy Cohen's "Watch What Happens Live" on Bravo - your girlfriend's show in which the host does shots with whichever "Real Housewife" most recently threw a drink in someone's face. In this version, Josh Wolf tackles topics surfaced by Twitter.

Shark week
Tuesday, August 12
If you only have two hours tonight, prioritize "Monster Hammerhead" and "Alien Sharks: Return to the Abyss." MH is a rerun from last night, and hits close to home, once again. The show's namesake has apparently spent the last 60 years terrorizing Floridians, and the show's hosts explore the waters off our national joke-state to discover the world's largest hammerheads. AS:RTTA looks like it'll be a fascinating hour spent on the elusive "ghost shark" - and we're not talking the 2013 SyFy made-for-TV movie by the same name (though you should totally watch that, too).

Next up is "Lair of the Mega Shark" (alternatively catch it tomorrow - see below), and tonight's new "Shark After Dark" and "After Shark After Dark Live."

Shark week
Wednesday, August 13
If you only have two hours tonight, prioritize "Lair of the Mega Shark" and "Spawn of Jaws 2: The Birthing." LOTMS is a rerun from last night in which we follow two shark experts to New Zealand after locals report seeing a 20-foot Great White. Their discoveries lead them to the feeding ground of a mega-shark, and will lead you to putting the plastic mattress cover on the bed tonight. In SOJ2:TB you'll follow the two-year journey of a knocked-up shark as scientists try and pinpoint the location of a Great White "pupping ground."

Sandwiched in-between the above two shows is "Zombie Sharks," but you can catch that tomorrow (see below), and the whole lot's once again followed by new episodes of "Shark After Dark" and "After Shark After Dark Live."

Shark week
Thursday, August 14
If you only have two hours tonight, prioritize "Zombie Sharks" and "I Escaped Jaws 2." ZS brings to light a unique condition experienced by our many-toothed tributes called "tonic immobility" in which predators of massive great whites are able to totally disarm their much scarier marks. Think "Law & Order: SVU," only Detective Stabler's investigating a string of homicides after discovering a potent strain of GHB. In IEJ2 you'll meet real-life shark attack victims and enjoy the awesome TV trope of reenacted drama.

If you've got another hour, watch "Sharkageddon" next, as it won't be rerun tomorrow (but will be on Saturday - see below). Then there's tonight's brand-new episodes of "Shark After Dark" and "After Shark After Dark Live."

Shark week
Friday, August 15
Since it's Friday night, you'll have nothing better to do than watch Discovery's full line-up. This evening's feast includes the two-hour long "Megalodon: The Extended Cut" followed by two-hour "Megalodon: The New Evidence." Seeing as how you're a shark geek, chances are you were also a dinosaur nerd back in the day, right? Right. But if it's been too long since you outgrew your T. rex Trapper Keeper, let us remind you who Megalodon is - a species of 100-foot-long, 80-ton Satans-of-the-seas with six rows of teeth, each one about ten times larger than those of today's great white. These guys could crush the skulls of whales in split seconds. They were thought to have gone extinct 2 million years ago, but legends persist in "The Extended Cut." In "The New Evidence," a scientist shares exactly that - a recent satellite image from NASA that shows (with just a shadow of a doubt) a 70-foot-long shark off the coast of Brazil. SHUDDER.

Shark week
Saturday, August 16
Why does it have to end so soon? Unfortunately, dear reader, you'll have to wait another 51 weeks until the next Shark Week, but tonight just bask in the finale. Begin with "Sharkageddon," in which superstar surfer Kala Alexander brings to light multiple shark fatalities in Hawaii, and looks into why more and more tiger sharks are picking off people. Prepare to re-plan your honeymoon. Next is "The Great White Matrix" - an Australian shark attack survivor (who sports some intimidating scars) discusses the personality of a few of the ocean beasts, then he goes and effs with them to get a reaction (dude hasn't learned his lesson). We end with "Sharksanity," the ultimate recap, which will cover the best, bloodiest moments from Shark Week 2014 (check the link for your local air times). That's a wrap!

 

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Brazil's 'Miss Bumbum 2014' Contest Kicks Off Today

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Most American men will tell you they are either a boob guy or a butt guy. But in Brazil, it's apparently all about the butt.

According to Huffington Post, the "Miss Bumbum" competition kicks off today in Sao Paulo with 27 lovely ladies representing Brazil's 26 states and one federal district hoping to win the country's annual competition for having the best ass.

miss bumbum contest Brazil
Brazilians have until November to vote online and narrow the field down to 15 for the finals, where the winner will take home roughly $22,000 in endorsement deals and "instant celebrity."

For the first time in the competition's history, twins will be duking it out for the honor of best caboose, as Rafaella and Graziella Fornazieri have both entered the contest.

Last year's champion, Dai Macedo, told a French newspaper that to win the title of "Miss Bumbum," it takes a lot of devotion.

"No nightclubs. No sweets," Macedo said. "I went to the gym Saturdays and Sundays."

Macedo won the title of "Miss Bumbum 2013" after sporting a moneymaker that measured in at 42 inches, proving once again that size does matter.

Finally, in the spirit of the competition, here are six of our early favorites to win 2014's "Miss Bumbum."

miss bumbum brazil contestants, miss bumbum 2014, ana flavia
miss bumbum brazil contestants, miss bumbum 2014, ana paula souza
miss bumbum brazil contestants, miss bumbum 2014, bruna valentim
miss bumbum brazil contestants, miss bumbum 2014, claudia alende
miss bumbum brazil contestants, miss bumbum 2014, indianara carvahlo
miss bumbum brazil contestants, miss bumbum 2014, vanussa hoppe
"Miss Bumbum 2012" also has a breathtaking heinie: Carine Felizardo Is Brazil's Miss Bumbum 2012

 

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Today's Funny Photos

The 10 Best TV Sitcoms to Take a Vacation

And Here Are Some Dogs That Wish They Hadn't Messed With Bees

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Dogs are curious creatures that aren't all that picky about what they eat. Unfortunately, this includes certain insects with stingers. So, occasionally a dog has to learn its lesson the hard way. All of these dogs attempted to eat bees and gave us this hilarious collection of photos.

Dog ate bee, dog bee
Dog ate bee, dog bee
Dog ate bee, dogs bees








 

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11 Photos of Life Not Going as Planned

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We like to think we're in control of our lives, and that the decisions we make will go according to plan. However, we all know this is rarely the case. Usually, the best laid plans go to shit, and the winning way to deal with that is simply to look back and have a good laugh.

didn't go as planned, fails
didn't go as planned, fails
didn't go as planned, fails
didn't go as planned, fails
didn't go as planned, fails
didn't go as planned, fails
didn't go as planned, fails
didn't go as planned, fails
didn't go as planned, fails
didn't go as planned, fails
didn't go as planned, fails

 

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Pennsylvania Sports Reporter Punches Guy Who Jumps Into Live Shot

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Something tells us that most guys who wear Batman shirts would also go down this easily.

According to Philly Mag, a sports reporter for Service Electric TV2 trying to do a live segment from Musikfest in Bethlehem on Saturday night punched a concertgoer after he jumped into the live shot.

TV2's Mike Zambelli and Steve Degler had just started their live report from the ten-day extravaganza that features a "variety of musical acts and a crowd described as beer-swilling," when a man wearing the totally douchey combo of a cowboy hat and Batman shirt jumped in and put his arms around them.

The man was on camera long enough to drop a few naughty words for the kids watching at home, but before he could finish his rant, Zambelli sprung into action.

sports reporter punches guy who jumps into live shot
"He startled me, so I reacted," Zambelli said. "He ran off. It's not a big deal."

Cowboy Batman ran off and was chased by Musikfest security, but Bethlehem police Chief Mark Diluzio said no arrest was made because a report to police was never filed. Diluzio also said he thought the video was "hilarious."

If you've been reading Mandatory for a while and you watch this guy's lips, what Cowboy Batman said is also hilarious: Reporter Interrupted During Live Broadcast By Very Vulgar Videobomber

 

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These Two Buds Have Mastered the Art of Recreating Movie Posters

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We're certainly no strangers to recreating movie posters here at Mandatory, but these two gentlemen are making us want to step up our game. Especially since they don't have a team of designers helping them out. They've become pros at recreating a whole collection of movie posters using basic props and limited surroundings. It started as simple entertainment for their friends on Facebook and made it's way out onto the Internet for the rest of us to enjoy from there. Here is the magic they've brought us so far.

(h/t Pleated-Jeans)




Funny movie posters, recreate movie posters









 

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Better Than Bar Food: The Perfect Turkey Burger

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Love bar food but hate the subsequent bloat? These quick and easy recipes are seriously tasty, definitely doable and much better for you than pub grub. This week, we upgrade your burger without loosing any taste or making a mess.

 

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15 Dating Profile Lines And What They Actually Mean

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Online dating has been around long enough for us to recognize cliché phrases and translate what they really mean. You shouldn't be writing things like "I love to have fun!" Is there anyone that hates fun? The next time you're looking for a possible date, here's a handy guide to what those common phrases actually mean. Now you know what you're getting into before you even decide to message them.

Funny Dating Profile Lines

 

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FOX News Anchor Says Robin Williams Was 'Such a Coward'

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As news broke yesterday of the passing of comedy legend and beloved actor Robin Williams from an apparent suicide, many fans and fellow comedians took to social media to discuss what Williams had meant to them.

Norm MacDonald told an amazing story on Twitter about having to follow Williams on his first stand-up appearance on Letterman and the hilarity that ensued for a good half-hour backstage in his dressing room.

Others used the news of his death to raise awareness of just how overwhelming and damning depression can be to those who suffer from it.

But FOX News anchor Shepard Smith handled the situation quite differently, instead suggesting that Williams might have taken his own life because he was "such a coward." He then made sure to remind everybody one last time that the late Academy Award winner was a drug user before letting former MTV VJ Kennedy chime in on the matter:


As expected, that's not sitting well with a lot of people:
We've been searching through the dictionary, but no word seems to describe Smith quite as good as "asshole."

(Update: Smith has since apologized for his comment.)

It's been a tough go of it lately for FOX News reporters: Watch a Drunk FOX News Reporter Brawl With the Police in Jail

 

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This Little Dog's Motto Is 'Never Give Up'

Maryland Woman Throws Bricks Through In-Laws' Windows, Gives Us Perhaps the Greatest Mugshot Ever

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Let's be honest, she's probably not getting a Christmas card this year.

According to UPI, a 43-year-old Lexington Park woman told her arresting officers last week that she threw bricks through her in-laws' windows because it was "fun." Now it's our turn to have some fun by looking at her mugshot:

woman throws bricks through in-laws' windows
Michelle Waro used landscaping bricks to shatter nine windows at her father-in-law's house in Leonardtown on August 9, including windows on two pick-up trucks parked in the driveway. When officers arrived on the scene, Waro "walked from the rear of the residence laughing" and told them to take her away "because of this."

Once the officers placed her under arrest, Waro told them smashing the windows was "fun" and she did it because her in-laws "are a bunch of bitches."

Waro's brick-throwing sesh caused $8,000 in damages, and she was charged with three counts of reckless endangerment and two counts of property destruction over $1,000.

She'll probably need a lawyer for her upcoming court date, and from the looks of it, she'll need a toothbrush as well.

Waro looks pretty proud of herself, and so do these perps: The Happiest Mugshots You Will Ever See

 

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Lily Aldridge is the Personal Chef We All Want

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Lily Aldridge may not be the most coordinated chef, but this Victoria's Secret short reminds us why men love women in the kitchen, and it's not just because we want a sandwich. The fair-haired angel is as clumsy as she is debonair in this short film for the lady lingerie line promoting their simple underwear style. Breaking everything in sight and spilling everything that can spilled on herself, Lily may not be a good host, but she's definitely our top pick for a personal chef. The only way this short could be cuter and sexier is if she ran out of clothes to spill on, quit giving a damn and just served dinner in her undies.

 

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History's Weirdest Sexual Hangups


Today's Funny Photos

British Man Dies From Sex Toy Stuck in His Butt

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Depending on how cheeky this guy was, it might be safe to say he died doing what he loved most.

According to the Daily Mail, a jobless 50-year-old British man died earlier this year after a vibrator became lodged in his rectum.
British man gets vibrator stuck in ass
Nigel Willis spent five days lying on his mother's sofa in pain after the sex toy became stuck in his ass. Even though he couldn't stand up because the pain was so bad, he was still too embarrassed - apparently even more embarrassed than being a 50-year-old man who lives with his mom - to see a doctor about it.

A friend finally convinced him to seek medical attention, and Willis was admitted to University Hospital Lewisham. But even though doctors were able to remove the vibrator from his poop chute, Willis had developed septic shock.

Willis never recovered from his injuries, and he spent more than a month in intensive care. A coroner said yesterday that he died from multiple organ failure that resulted primarily because of the "abdomen injury."

Let's be honest. If Willis was too embarrassed to let a doctor know about the vibrator, then he'd probably be having a hell of time dealing with the entire world knowing about it today.

Hey, this happens in the States as well: Man Gets Running Vibrator Lodged in His Large Intestine

 

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Rock History's Greatest Frontmen

There Are Regular People Out There Who Look Exactly Like Celebrities

The Story of Benedict Arnold: An Exclusive Clip of Next Week's 'Drunk History'

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"Drunk History" is yet another brilliant show on Comedy Central in which actors get drunk (for real) and recite some of the great stories from history -- as best they can anyway. Then, other actors act out the drunken tales based on real events. Next week's episode titled "Philadelphia" features the story of Benedict Arnold and Peggy Shippen, played by Chris Parnell and Winona Ryder. Tune in for the full episode on August 19.

"Drunk History" airs on Comedy Central on Tuesdays at 10/9c.

 

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