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Read This Perfect Response To Philosophical Bathroom Stall Graffiti

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The person who wrote the first quote probably thought he was hot shit. (No pun intended.) Then boom -- the second guy just owns him. I hope the first guy is a regular at this stall and has to poop in shame until someone comes in and scrubs all of those philosophical ramblings off the stall wall.

funny bathroom graffiti

Via Imgur, H/t Reddit

 

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Watch This New Jersey Home Get Pulverized By a Gas Leak Explosion

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If you thought your late night run to Taco Bell produced quite the explosion, wait until you see this.

According to NBC Philadelphia, a gas leak resulted in a massive blast that "disintegrated" a New Jersey home Tuesday morning, and the entire thing was captured by a police vehicle's dashcam.


The blast occurred in the Cedar Run neighborhood of Stafford Township about 90 minutes after the gas leak was first reported. The explosion was so powerful that it could be felt one mile away. It shook homes in all directions and even blew out the windows of at least one neighboring residence.

"My windows blew out of my house, and I dropped, and I covered my daughter," Melissa Lewis said. "I stood up, and I heard them screaming outside, and there were people being taken to the ambulance."

Thankfully, no one was killed by the blast, but 15 people were injured, including one gas worker who needed to be revived on the scene.

Officials said gas has already been restored to some homes, but we think crashing at a friend's house for a week or two doesn't sound like a bad idea.

This blast was a tad more festive: Fireworks Factory Explosion in Colombia Caught on Video

 

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Wisconsin Badgers Release Long Lost Footage of Chris Farley As Matt Foley

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We all miss Chris Farley. So, whenever some footage of him that we've never seen before graces the Internet, we'll embrace it like an old friend we haven't seen in a very long time. If the SNL 40th Anniversary taught us anything, it's that there is only one person on the planet who was truly meant to play Matt Foley. Let this recently uploaded old promotional video from the University of Wisconsin's YouTube page of the legend himself take you back and realize how much you miss him.

 

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Finally, An App That Lets You Share Your Farts With People Who Want to Hear Them

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Maybe the movie "Idiocracy" should no longer be classified as fiction.

According to BroBible, a new app that is being hailed as a "social network for your ass" allows users to share their farts with one another.

Fartners users will be able to follow and be followed by regular people and celebrities just like Twitter, but instead of "sharing what comes out of your brain, you share whatever gas comes out of your ass."

Fartners app lets you share your fart noises with others
The app isn't available for iOS systems yet, but if you're an Android user, then you're in luck, as Fartners is available on Google Play and just waiting for people who want to "share farts with their friends, discover others' farts, follow Fartners like themselves, comment, rate, play, re-fart and much more."

If this sounds like your cup of tea, then you might want to sign up today. I mean, waiting any longer will really put a dent in your goal of passing Fartalicious as "Top Fartner."

If you want to plow one of those farters, you'll have to go here: Meet Mixxxer, The Sex App We All Knew Was Coming

 

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Meet the Bus Aide Who Stole Bagged Lunches and Lunch Money From Preschoolers

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The 20-year anniversary of "Billy Madison" was a couple weeks ago, and apparently the spirit of evil characters stealing kids' lunches lives on.

According to Huffington Post, a school bus aide in New Jersey was recently "caught on a surveillance camera rummaging through students' backpacks" and later arrested for stealing their lunch money and bagged lunches.

school aide stole lunches and money from preschoolers
Millville police said they originally looked at the surveillance footage to see if they could catch the perp who ganked $400 from the bus driver, but instead watched as Rosa Rios took food and money from the kids, who ranged between three and five years old.

In all, police said Rios took money and food from 29 students, but they wouldn't comment on how many times the thefts had occurred or the total amount of cash she had taken.

Rios had been working at the Sheppard Bus Company for seven years, but that is no longer the case after officials charged her with robbery and theft on Friday.

Authorities didn't release the footage showing Rios stealing the bagged lunches from the preschoolers, but we're pretty sure the aftermath looked something like this:


Here's what happens when you try to steal things on a bus in Chile: Watch This Wannabe Purse Thief's Epic Fail Become Instant Karma

 

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Today's Funny Photos

10 Bold Predictions for the Upcoming Third Season of 'House of Cards'

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house of cards f.u., frank underwood, house of cards season 3
(Editor's note: This article was written before the accidental Netflix leak of Season 3 on Feb. 11. Also, SPOILERS AHEAD!)

As the big shows keep returning to TV in 2015, the biggest hype is held for the Netflix original "House of Cards," airing its entire third season on Friday, February 27. With Kevin Spacey's Frank Underwood taking the presidential office, lots of old secrets and new lies are bound to be revealed. We have a few big predictions ourselves, but Season 3 of "House of Cards" is hard to forecast. Let's give it a shot, anyway.

Frank Underwood's first big task will be to take America to war.
house of cards season 3, frank underwood
Frank's orders to revoke asylum for China's Mr. Fang at the end of season two may have made sense from a legal standpoint, but that will have consequences in season three. Expect Frank, just like other recent presidents of America, to go to war right off the bat in his first term. The trailer for the new season showed multiple speeches and rallies involving military and big American flags, so expect patriotism to play a huge role in Season 3.

Claire will flip on Frank, but only one will come out the victor.
house of cards season 3, claire underwood
At the end of season two, we saw Claire finally break. Her involvement with Frank has outted her personally on several levels, and when things heat up, she'll finally go against her man, even if it seems only like another one of their power moves. As things get harder for Frank, he'll likely put a lot more weight on Claire until she cracks for good. Before this is over, she's either going to take Frank down, or Frank is going to take her down.

Frank and the president of Russia will go toe-to-toe.
house of cards season 3, russian president house of cards
Judging by the trailer, it seemed as though Mr. Petrov was going to be the new Vice President who goes toe-to-toe with Frank, but in fact it's the president of Russia. In the new trailer, we see Petrov plant a wet one on Claire in front of a room full of people, but this is all likely misleading and alludes to another clever scheme orchestrated by Frank and Claire to gain someone's trust. From the demeanor between him and Frank, we're guessing Petrov is the Raymond Tusk obstacle of season three, and those adversaries rarely come out ahead in the end.

Doug Stamper, Frank's right hand, is not dead.
house of cards season 3, doug stamper
We saw Doug get clunked over the head with a rock by Rachel after she ran from the car in the finale, and by the end he had gone missing for days, but he'll likely be discovered in the woods. If not by a lonely woodsman or some clever intelligence people, Gavin the cyber terrorist, told Doug he had his car tracked just before he was attacked. When word gets out that he's gone missing, someone will step up and find him, and when they do, his first order of business will be to warn Frank that Rachel is loose with his secret about Zoe Barnes.

Rachel becomes the president's biggest obstacle outside of the White House.
house of cards season 3, rachel posner
An APB was put out on Doug's car, which will lead authorities straight to Rachel, who stole his car after attacking him in the woods. This will lead to them asking questions about her involvement with Doug and the Underwood administration. Her and a few allies (the two remaining journalists and Gavin the hacker) will be up against Frank's dirty administration.

Remy Danton steps up to fill in for Doug Stamper as Frank's confidant.
house of cards season 3, remy danton
With Doug gone, Frank is going to need someone reliable to turn to, and although he's been batting for both teams, Remy Danton seems the likely candidate. He may be on the fence about helping Frank, but Remy will likely get a supportive nudge from his lady lover, Jackie Sharp. At the end of the day, Remy is the only guy left on the show who knows how to handle the shit hitting the fan like Frank.

Jackie Sharp will make a play using Remy Danton to work her way up.
house of cards season 3, jackie sharp
Once Remy is Frank's inner circle, don't be surprised when she uses him to make moves for herself. Although smart and sophisticated, the end of season two showed what a calculating, cold-hearted bitch Jackie can be, like a female Frank just waiting to make her move.

Meechum will push for another menage a trois and become a liability.
house of cards season 3, edward meechum
Once a lowly driver turned Secret Service with the help of Frank, Meechum will move right up the ladder along with President Underwood, but where do they take his character from here? There's really only two places: back to the bedroom for another threesome or into the danger zone. Meechum knows a bit more than he should, a trusted ally to Frank, but even the most trusted ally becomes a liability in dire times. Let's see how much Frank trusts his driver and personal protector by the end of this season.

Gavin Orsay, the cyber terrorist, will work to out Frank online.
gavin orsay house of cards
Better known as a McPoyle brother on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," Gavin Orsay is one of the top hackers in the cybersphere, but with the government over his shoulder, he'll be forced into working a government office job, a suit and clean shaven. His disdain for the way they're taking advantage of him will have Gavin making moves of his own to free himself, even if that means exposing the president. When he finds that Rachel has escaped and knows Frank's secret, that's when things will really heat up, and the internet seems the likely place to out Frank and all his skeletons.

The cat will come out of the bag (and shit will hit the fan).
house of cards season 3
The show itself isn't long for this world, likely only going for four seasons before calling it quits. Netflix does right by its viewers not to let shows drag on past their prime, unlike most cable networks, so expect the big plot points you didn't think would happen so soon to come out and hit hard for the main characters.

Whether by the hand of Janine Skorsky (the older brunette journalist), the curly haired Lucas Goodwin, Gavin the cyber terrorist, Rachel or any combination of those people, Frank will be exposed for his hand in Zoe Barnes' murder and any number of other serious allegations. He will then be sought out by authorities, and Claire will be implicated as well. Or maybe Claire will be the one to break the camel's back. We'll find out when we take a sick day to binge watch the entire third season of "House of Cards" starting on February 27.

 

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Which Country Has the Biggest Dicks in the World?

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In a world where men think they can lie about their penis size, there exists a magical place called the Internet. And on this Internet, there are people like us who find actual penis size statistics and call those liars out when they're incorrect on being erect. Unless you're unique among your local constituents, there's a good chance our map below on the average erect penis sizes around the world contains the hard evidence that has your wood pegged. You may be surprised (disappointed) by where you land with your fellow man, but just remember that this map only represents size -- and not how you use it.

Before we get to the map and list of the average erect penis sizes for 80 countries worldwide, here are some notable findings:

-The proper way to measure is from tip of the penis to the very bottom of the pubic bone.
-The global average is 5.5 inches.
-The most well hung country in our study is the Democratic Republic of the Congo (aka Congo), with an average of 7.1 inches.
-On average, South America is the most well hung continent (6.36 inches).
-North Korea has the smallest dick size on average (3.8 inches).
-Only 3 percent of men worldwide are over 8 inches. Only 6 percent of men actually need extra large condoms.
-Of the 80 countries included, the U.S. ranks #61 in average erect penis size.

measuring dicks around the world, size matters map, penis size world map
Sources used:
EveryOneWeb.com
Buzzfeed
Elite Daily
Funnyjunk.com

 

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Every Group of Friends Ever

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You may think you and your crew of friends are totally unique. Everyone brings something to the table, whether it's a quirky personality or the hook-ups at all the hot bars and clubs in your town. Nope. We're all the same. We're all broken down into a very select few types of personalities and characteristics. Here is every group of friends ever.

every group of friends chart

 

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The Funniest GIFs of the Week

MTV's 'Pimp My Ride' Was Pretty Much Completely Fake

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xzibit pimp my ride
We all know that reality shows aren't "real," but MTV's classic Pimp My Ride just got exposed as being extra-fake. The show, which aired from 2004 to 2007, featured a simple premise: some poor-ass buster in southern California got his car, truck or other vehicle customized by rapper Xzibit and the body
shop at West Coast Customs. Banging stereo systems, rocking hydraulics and insane paint jobs were the order of the day, but this incredible feature at the Huffington Post reveals that most of the "pimped" cars were more suited for turning tricks.

pimp my ride fail

Three owners talked with HuffPo and they all have pretty much the same stories: after filming, the producers would "take back" some of the more outrageous features, and the stuff they left behind didn't work all that well. For Justin Dearinger, who had his 1997 Toyota Rav 4 tricked out with a pop-up champagne caddy and a drive-in theater, both of those were taken out before the film crew left. Seth Martino's '99 Nissan Maxima got a transforming stereo system complete with a robot arm, but the "robot" was actually remote-controlled by a production crew member and had a bunch of loose wires hanging out, and the cotton candy machine in the trunk didn't have a dome, so strings of sticky sugar got all over the place.

The show's producer claims that those modifications were made for "safety reasons," but that just begs the question as to why they'd install them in the first place? We already know the answer, though: because it looked good on TV. MTV's audience didn't want to watch mechanics put in more horsepower - they wanted plasma screens and goofy gadgets, and that's what they got.

pimp my ride fail

In addition, producers often messed with cars beforehand, making them look even junkier so the remodel would be more impressive. Martino was shocked when producers filled his car with candy to make him look like a gluttonous slob. He says, "They went the extra mile to make me look extra fat by telling the world that I kept candy all over my seat and floor just in case I got hungry." Jake Glazier, who got his ratchet '86 Buick Century pimped out with a 22 inch subwoofer and turntable in the glove box, was told by producers to break up with his girlfriend for the show to make a better story.

When you watch the show, it looks like the garage is jamming through the pimping process in just a few days, but the reality was worse. Some cars stayed in the show's custody for as long as six months while work was being done, with their owners forced to drive rentals. MTV only paid for a few months of those rentals, forcing the poor schlubs to hold on to receipts in hopes of eventually being reimbursed.

Even worse, most of the cars didn't get any under the hood improvements to make them handle better. The excess weight added by all the pimped-out gadgets made the cars run even worse. Martino's Maxima dragged on the ground and needed an engine replacement just a month after the show wrapped, and Dearinger's car eventually burst into flames while he was driving it.



Glazier sums it up by saying, "The problem with the show is, they don't fix any of the mechanical issues, and my car was a piece of shit. What they did was make my piece of shit sound
exceptionally awesome, which is great. Just not great enough to drive on roads."

In addition, if you want to sell off your "pimped" ride, the show's contract stipulates that you can't mention it was on Pimp My Ride in the ads and you can't put it on auction sites like eBay.

Glazier, however, managed to eventually come out on top by selling his Maxima two months later to the audio company that provided his massive subwoofer system for $18,000. Considering that he bought the thing for $500, that's a pretty healthy profit.

And, of course, hanging out with Xzibit was pretty cool. The host reportedly smelled pretty strongly of dank cheeba, ate a lot of Flaming Hot Cheetos, and told Glazier that he was "going to go down to hell to kill the devil so he can make some Satan skin boots." That's dope.

If you were ever jealous that Xzibit and crew never showed up to your door to polish up your hoopty, now you can sleep a little easier knowing that the people who got pimped-out rides didn't get to keep them on the streets for long.

Via HuffPost

 

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21 Signs You Might Be A Douche

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Have you ever seen someone and immediately knew they were a complete douche? What if you didn't realize it, but people were looking at you thinking the exact same thing? It's a terrifying thought but according to this statistic I just made up, 1 out of 4 people don't know they're actually a douche. If you're concerned you may suffer from this affliction, here are some signs to look for.

1. You've gotten in an actual fistfight over a sporting event that you weren't involved with in any way whatsoever.

2. Before the fight you took off your shirt and said, "Come on, bro! We can do this right now!"

3. Your Instagram account is just a collection of pictures of your back muscles. If you're at the gym, it will be documented.



4. Stopping at a red light means revving your engine then racing the car next to you, even if they have no idea what's going on.

5. The top three buttons have never met the other side of your shirt. Why shouldn't you always dress like you're on a boat dock?

6. Any girl that doesn't want to talk to you is stuck up and any girl that talks to you too much is a clingy stalker.



7. You've high fived someone over an alcohol-based accomplishment and also every time someone says the word, "Vegas."

8. You have an album in your phone of naked pictures of girls your bros sent to you. You have no idea who they are.

9. Your idea of dressing up is wearing an All Star NBA jersey instead of just a standard NBA jersey.

10. You have frosted tips and you're not a time traveling member of a boy band from 2002.



11. It's 8pm and you're still wearing your bedazzled sunglasses.

12. You've hit someone because they disrespected your rims.

13. You've figured out which members of your crew best represent each guy from "Entourage."



14. If someone gets mad at you for double parking, it's just because they're jealous and a bunch of haters.

15. You've screamed at someone for making a mistake in a recreational game of volleyball or softball.

16. The only times you've cried is at the end of "Scarface," when A-Rod got accused of taking steroids, and when LeBron left Miami.

17. You never realized hats could be worn with the bill facing the front as well as backwards or sideways.



18. Your hand has brushed against another bro's hand while you were walking and you both almost jumped out of your Crocs while claiming the other one is gay, bro.

19. You've tipped a waitress less because she wasn't that hot.

20. Every profile picture on your Facebook is either you with a drink in your hand or you at the strip club with a drink in your hand.

21. You stay on your cell phone when your cashier or waitress is talking to you and act like it's a huge inconvenience when they ask you a question.

 

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Pennsylvania Mother Arrested for DUI After Taking Her Son to an Orgy

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According to the New York Daily News, a 34-year-old Chartiers Township woman is in deep shit after police said she drove drunk with her young son in the car to an orgy that went awry when another woman became enraged that she was stripping in front of her kid.

Pennsylvania mom arrested for DUI after driving son to orgy
When police arrived on the scene early Tuesday morning, Heather Young was in a hallway yelling at other residents of an apartment complex where the orgy was supposed to go down. A witness told the officers that Young had driven drunk to the gangbang with her son, and 23-year-old Courtney Orgovan took exception to her readying herself for sex with her son in the room, as well.

Of course, Young refused to leave the scene without a fight, and she kicked and spit on the officers as they attempted to take her into custody. She was eventually arrested and now faces charges of DUI, child endangerment, aggravated assault, public drunkenness, disorderly conduct, reckless endangerment, resisting arrest and indecent exposure.

On the bright side, thanks to this mug shot we now know what Chris Farley's impression of Derek Zoolander would have looked like.

Young won't necessarily be a runaway winner for "Mother of the Year" thanks to this peach: Hawaii Mother Loses Her Mind During Epic Bout of Road Rage

 

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Chelsea Handler and Her Bare Breasts Got a Weed Card for Her 40th Birthday

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If Chelsea Handler was exposing her boobs on a regular basis before she was getting high, you have to think that the sky is the limit now.

According to the Daily Mail, Handler turned the big 4-0 yesterday, and she celebrated by getting herself a medical marijuana card.


We're not sure which medical condition Handler was suffering from that warranted a weed card, but who cares? Chelsea Handler on weed sounds like something that will be good for everybody.

Of course, it wouldn't be a Chelsea Handler story these days unless the comedian was showing off her hooters, and thanks to fellow comedian Whitney Cummings and her Twitter account, that is again the case today.

Whitney Cummings wishes Chelsea Handler a happy birthday
Maybe it's just us, but according to that pic, one would think that it was Cummings' birthday yesterday instead of Handler's.

Handler bares her jugs so often that it feels like every day is our birthday: Chelsea Handler Keeps Posting Photos of Her Boobs on Instagram

 

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UFC Ring Girl Kahili Blundell Has Done It Again


Watch Madonna Eat It on Stage at the BRIT Awards

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Madonna's first performance at the BRIT Awards since 1995 went about as well as Bill Cosby making an unannounced visit to the set of "The View."

According to Billboard, the 56-year-old entertainer took quite the tumble while performing the first single from her forthcoming album "Rebel Heart" during last night's awards show.


Ironically, the tune titled "Living for Love" features the line "watched me stumble," and that's exactly what she did.

Madonna jumped on Instagram after the performance to assure her fans that she was uninjured by the fall, saying, "Armani hooked me up! My beautiful cape was tied too tight! But nothing can stop me and love really lifted me up! Thanks for your good wishes! I'm fine!"

While we're sure she would have loved to have taken a different avenue to prove it, Madonna's fall did give her major street cred in the "I don't lip-sync" department. I mean, if Britney Spears would have suffered a fall like that, we would have written a very different story.

Hey, at least she didn't take a spill into a tarp filled with vomit: Iron Stomach Competitor Falls in Puke-Covered Tarp

 

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Get Ready for Bed With Zoe Paul

The Best News Bloopers of the Month for February 2015

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Live news segments can be a real hoot sometimes. Nowhere else will you see such passion and gusto to report breaking stories -- no matter how insignificant -- and give local viewers the information they need in an entertaining fashion. The problem is, well, many things can go wrong. From hilarious word mix-ups to a crazy dog on set, live news provides us with countless daily bloopers. Here are some of the best from February.

More: The Best News Bloopers of 2014

 

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Ashley Alexiss is a Curvy Cleavage Connoisseur

Is This Stupid Dress White and Gold or Blue and Black?

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So someone posted a photo of this stupid dress yesterday asking if it was white and gold or blue and black. It damn near broke the Internet and turned the whole world against each other. I see white and gold. When I said that to one of my other editors, he asked me if I was insane and that it's definitely blue and black. What the hell is going on here?

white and gold dress

Apparently it's a trick that your eyes are playing on you based on the poor lighting used in that particular photograph. Different people's brains interpret the light coming into their eyes differently. Even after intense scientific research (yes, people started asking scientists to look into this), a conclusion couldn't be reached. Mainly because it's very clearly white and gold, according to me. And I'm right about everything.

One thing is for sure: it's turning the people of the Internet against each other. Facebook and Twitter exploded with intense arguments. And you know it's an important issue when celebrities are getting involved. Taylor Swift thinks it blue and black. Kat Dennings thinks it's white and gold. (I think Kat Dennings and I are right and the rest of the world is wrong and needs to get their eyes fixed.)

Consensus among scientists and Photoshop experts alike now seems to be that the dress is blue and black. But we all know that it is really white and gold. Because that's what my eyes see every damn time and no amount of research or explanation will ever change that.

So what do you see?

Via Tumblr

 

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