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Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
- Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) March 22, 2015
Hey cool party. Oh shoot I accidentally brought my acoustic guitar. Guess I'll just break off some Mraz so it's not awkward...
- Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) April 10, 2015
high stakes special instructions for the pizza delivery person pic.twitter.com/F7WuSHrIdV
- shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) April 4, 2015
I vaccinated your baby while you were at hot yoga
- Dave Ditell sucks!! (@davedittell) March 15, 2015
Please stop walking so fast, I'm trying to pet your dog.
- Molly (@Molly_Kats) March 30, 2015
If you want to give an on again off again relationship another chance may I suggest something less painful like ripping off your face skin
- AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) April 9, 2015
If you like it then you should have put a ring on it UNLESS IT'S THE COFFEE TABLE THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE USED A COASTER
- Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) April 10, 2015
Good morning. Welcome to Denny's, I'll be your waitress. Today we'll wage a silent battle about which one of us is more depressed to be here
- ♡ Brian Essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) March 26, 2015
I hope he doesn't wake up! pic.twitter.com/KWlyfSutX9
- Alexander Shiroki (@Shiroki_Alex) April 12, 2015
I love when rappers laugh on songs. Like who's tickling you, homie?
- PÄŮŁÝ ÇÂŞÏĽŁĄŠ (@PaulyPeligroso) April 11, 2015
Are ladies-who-join-ISIS promised 72 male virgins. Bc that'd be TERRIBLE.
- Meredith Scardino (@scardinoandsons) March 25, 2015
i think you're cute. you think i'm cute. let's ruin each other's lives
- Mae (@mzeld) April 2, 2015
What's that rap song where it's like I only wanna fuck hoes but why these hoes so slutty but why can't I have something real with these hoes
- Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) April 11, 2015
If I could be any X-Men I think I'd pick Professor X. Don't really care about the mind-reading stuff I just hate walking.
- Steve Amiri (@SteveAmiri) December 30, 2014
Most horrifying words in the English language: "Actually, we've met before."
- Grant Pardee (@grantpa) April 1, 2015
"Your mom" still holds up as a tight comeback. Also, sorry to Michael at Panda Express
- Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) April 7, 2015
Daughter: Why do girls wear high heels? Me: I guess they want to be taller. Daughter: To reach for things they can't get? Me: *crying
- Jen Kirwin (@JennKirwin) May 21, 2014
hot air balloons: for when you need to make danger boring
- Zach X.J. (@ZachXJ) April 6, 2015
93% of my energy each day goes to restraining myself from saying "who cares"
- lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) April 11, 2015
Game of Thrones is like a class reunion: all the wrong people are dead.
- Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) April 12, 2015
Liam Neeson: I have a very particular set of skills Me: Do they include needlepoint Liam Neeson: Yes they do Me: Neat Neeson: I have an Etsy
- Josh Hara (@yoyoha) January 10, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.
The second amendment gives us lucky American citizens the right to bear arms, and we've managed to stretch that definition into encompassing a whole ton of heavy artillery. In this feature, we'll spotlight ten weapons that are still street legal in most of the United States (New York and California have slightly more stringent rules) so you can start building your personal armory.
M134 General Electric Minigun
Automatic weapons aren't legal anymore, right? Well, sort of. Laws prohibit ordinary citizens from owning any fully automatic rifle made after 1986. This puppy sneaks in just under the wire, and if you're looking for a device that spits hot death at an insane rate, here it is. The M134 has a capacity of 166 shots per second, and packs so much recoil that you'd rip your arms off if you tried to hold it and shoot. Mount it on a vehicle (say a Toyota Yaris, which you can get for less than the $40,000 cost of the gun) and you're all set for Mad Max time. (Photo courtesy of: World Guns)
Crossbows
If you're a big fan of Daryl Dixon on "The Walking Dead," here's some good news: you can walk around with a crossbow just about anywhere you like - at least during archery season. The only state in which they're an absolute no-go is Oregon. First developed in China during the Warring States period, crossbows combined the lethality of a traditional bow and arrow with portability and ease of aim. They were a popular weapon for assassinations in the middle ages, and some contemporary armies have used them for urban warfare. (Photo courtesy of: Dwight Stone via Flickr CC)
XM42 Flamethrower
In general, it's hard to pass laws regulating flamethrowers. If you make them too broad, you accidentally end up outlawing Zippo lighters and then barbecue season is ruined. If you make them too narrow, stuff like the XM42 ends up slipping through the cracks. This personal flamethrower is currently raising funds on Indiegogo for a full production run, but at a base price of $699 it's not an impulse buy. The interesting thing about flamethrowers is that their use in warfare is banned by the Geneva Convention, so civilians can have them but soldiers can't. Checkmate, Obama. (Photo courtesy of: Popsci)
Blowguns
It seems pretty difficult to outlaw a blowgun, as they're basically just tubes, but unlucky residents of California and Massachusetts aren't allowed to own these iconic weapons of jungle warfare. Everybody else, have fun. Blowguns were originally used by indigenous tribes in South and Central America as well as South East Asia. Hollowed-out sticks or reeds are puffed into to expel seeds and darts. Modern Western blowguns are much more high-tech, and used by scientists to stun and capture rare lizards in the wild. If you're thinking about using one for self-defense, keep in mind that darts don't have a lot of stopping power and producing the kind of poison you'd need to bring a man down is definitely against the law. (Photo courtesy of: Ryan via Flickr CC)
LED Incapacitator
Non-lethal weaponry is a major growth industry, with the United States government spending millions on new ways to shut people down without ending their lives permanently. One recent invention, the "Dazzler," is a flashlight-sized device that emits a strobing visual signal that can make people nauseous and even fall unconscious. You can't have the military version, but a group of inspired hardware hackers reverse-engineered the technology and released instructions on how to make your own. There aren't any laws on the books in regards to light-powered combat devices, so go nuts with this puppy. (Photo courtesy of: ar15)
Chain Whips
Sometimes the traditional ways of ruining someone's day are the best. Chain whips have been used in martial arts since the Jin Dynasty, and surprisingly these weapons are legal in most states. You can't brandish them in New York, California or Maryland, but that leaves 47 other places to have fun. Made of sections of metal threaded together and attached to a handle, chain whips take a lot of training to be able to use without seriously injuring yourself. The multiple videos of people on YouTube slicing through watermelons make it look like a lot of fun. (Photo courtesy of: Aliexpress)
Cannons
If things really go ass up and you need to defend your property Civil War style, you'll be happy to know that it's completely legal for a private citizen to own an old-school black powder cannon. Any artillery device where the propellant is separate from the shell is allowed by law. For these relics, a charge of black powder is required to launch an iron ball into the air and through whatever target you deem most appropriate. One caveat: owning more than 50 pounds of black powder is against the law, so hopefully you don't need to get off that many shots. (Photo courtesy of: Chris Devers via Flickr CC)
Grenade Launchers
This one is going to come as a surprise, but it is in fact completely legal for a private citizen to own a fully functioning grenade launcher. Gun laws regarding these weapons are pretty quirky - a 37mm launcher, which is often used for flares, is regulated differently than a 40mm launcher like the big boys use. To get one of the latter, you need a permit from the ATF, which requires a ton of background checking. Owning grenades to shoot from it is a little trickier - because they're classified as destructive devices, you need to find a chief law enforcement officer in your area who is willing to sign off on you owning one, then pay a $200 tax per grenade, which is a little steep for just one boom. The 37mm isn't classified as a weapon, but there isn't explosive ordinance that works with it. (Photo courtesy of: Program Executive Office via Flickr CC)
Spearguns
If the most outrageous climate change predictions come true, the rising oceans could swamp a good deal of our great country within a few generations. It might be time to learn how to use a speargun while you can. Typically used for fishing, spearguns are either powered by rubber tension bands or pressurized air. Some states have regulations on when you can use them, but ownership is not regulated and sales are at the discretion of whatever sporting goods store you can get one from. People in real life have tried to use spearguns to commit crimes, most notably the hijacking of Federal Express flight 705. (Photo courtesy of: Harrison Krix via Flickr CC)
Homemade Guns
The advent of 3D printing has opened a gaping hole in America's gun laws. While you need to have a license to purchase a firearm, you don't need anything of the sort to build one yourself. Homemade firearms are legal because the receiver - the part of the rifle that connects the mechanisms - are sold unfinished, which doesn't require registration. As long as you don't sell your homemade gun or transfer it to another person, you can own any kind of firearm you make yourself. (Photo courtesy of: Wikimedia Commons)