In a world where everybody either coordinates accounts or manages somebody, we tend to forget we live in an age where anybody can do anything they want. In that same world, there are jobs so amazing that they sound made up, but they aren't. And we're here to open your eyes and encourage you to finally put in that two-weeks notice. Water slide testing--ready or not, here we come!
Beachologist
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Essentially travel bloggers who get paid by resorts to sample the wares of the good life, a "beachologist" is just scientific term for a genius alcoholic with a good tan. If you're a smart vacationer and a good drinker, you'll never pay for either a day in your life.
Sex Pot Journalist
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In late 2014, Denver weed mag, The Cannabist, advertised a job opening for a
sex columnist who would habitually use marijuana, then record their findings. Medical marijuana tester is another position that needs filling somewhere, but you don't have to officially work as a tester to do that. Who knew you could get paid to get high and then get it on? Go Denver!
Brothel Reviewer
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It's an awesome job, and someone has to do it. That is, work for the website Kaufmich.com (German for "buy me") sampling and reviewing prostitutes. In an attempt to improve the sex industry of Germany, the brothel reviewer will judge the service, cleanliness and safe practices of said brothels--two out of three isn't bad--in what can only be described as the most satisfying work possible.
Real Life Gatsby
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With the title of Megaparty Thrower, this job simply requires you to be a bitchin' party host. Most of the events are for celebrities, so the more affluent the celebrity, the more affluent the party, the size, the guest list, etc. Some might call these events to make them seem more eloquent, but when you inspect a bit further, you're essentially getting paid to be the Great Gatsby himself, except hopefully without the floater at the end.
Fried Food Inventor
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The only thing better than a person who gets paid to invent fried food is a person who gets paid to eat fried food, and that will never exist without artery blockage as a fringe benefit. One Texas man, Abel Gonzales Jr., took it upon himself to become such an inventor, bringing a wide variety of fried concoctions to state fairs. The next time you smell an elephant ear or a funnel cake, remember the importance of doing what you love, so much so that it kills you. I believe Bukowski said to do that, but it's uncertain if a massive heart attack was implied.
Condom Tester
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If there's one thing we know about, it's
condoms. Said condom tester is in charge of reviewing the comfort and pleasure of condoms while giving unbiased opinions about brand preference. Our overall expectation is that we would hate everything about this job, but if there's regular, non-committed sex involved, we can always look past it. If you're wondering why there might be a future shortage of Mandatory articles, it's because we wised up, studied our
condom history and took up a professional interest in condoms, thus quitting our jobs.
Tropical Island Caretaker
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Job responsibilities: Lounging on the beach and blogging about said beach. Also, there may be the occasional piece of litter you need to call someone about so they can come pick it up. One man did this and managed to pull in 120k for six months. Talk about paradise.
Blimp Pilot
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Thought they were handled using a remote control, didn't you? Couldn't be more wrong. In fact, a blimp pilot makes damn good money, upwards of 70k per year just to ride around in the sky at no faster than three miles per hour.
"Fun Club" President
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If there's a job that sounds made up, this one takes the cake. Even the real life president of Nintendo's Fun Club, Howard Phillips, looks like a made-up cartoon. Although the name itself sounds like a joke, the job itself of being a video game consultant is probably one of the most desirable jobs of American sloths. The real catch is that Phillips is a self-made millionaire based on his love of being a video game aficionado. If word got out, no man would leave his cave again, and thus the rebirth of the caveman.
Pornography Historian
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Yes, these people have
the most ridiculous job titles, but that doesn't mean this man doesn't take his porn seriously. It takes countless hours to watch, categorize and study the evolution of porn throughout the ages. But with a "stroke" of luck, any man with this job might get his lube expensed.
