As men, we all fear leaving the house without putting on deodorant, having people pointing out our foul smells and - by far the biggest - walking into an Abercrombie & Fitch knowing we're going to get crop dusted by an ass blast of their unnecessary toxic fumes. We have all the solutions in here, the best way to smell good without wearing a hint of cologne. We're not going to lie, it won't be easy at first, but in time you'll learn to live naturally while smelling just incredible. And stay the hell out of Abercrombie! Their clothes aren't worth it, and you can find shirtless hunks anywhere this time of year.
Essential Oils
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Au naturale is the way to go, and with essential oils, nothing is more natural.
Cool apps like Think Dirty help you recognize unhealthy hygiene products by scanning their barcodes, but you can't go wrong with essential oils, especially antibacterial oils such as lavender, rosemary, lemongrass, thyme, tea tree, lemon and geranium, which you can mix and match as safer, healthier deodorants that smell better than any mass produced deodorant. Add a little coconut oil, which acts as a natural sunscreen, and you're golden, pony boy.
Aftershave Oil
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We know what you're thinking: Aftershave went out with JNCO umbrella cut jeans and other
'90s trends. Your father isn't the only one who should be looking out for his post-shave skin though. Instead of spraying on a thicket of cologne that keeps people a few arms' lengths away, try a nicely scented aftershave oil with natural ingredients to keep you smelling fresh all day. You don't need spray cologne on a fresh shave; that shit burns!
Scented Sunscreen
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Antiperspirant deodorant can keep you from sweating too much, but when it comes to summertime, sweating helps
keep you cool. Scented sunscreen, however, is the best of both worlds. Cover your skin from too much sun so you don't fall victim to an
embarrassing tan line and keep a good scent about you at the same time. Coconut oil smells good and protects your skin naturally. Looking good and smelling good at the same time? I've never heard of something so ridiculous!
Skin Scrub
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When you feel your body getting dehydrated, sweat won't be as much of a problem, but your dry skin will lack any moisture or ability to retain any fragrant oils. A good scrub will soften the skin, keeping you moist - we'll say it again, moist - and allowing you to keep that fresh air about you. No point in spraying cologne on a dead horse, am I right? Keep it soft, and you'll smell and taste sweeter than a Georgia peach. Aesop makes a good skin scrub; you might want to give her a try.
Powdered Packages
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You've only heard it from your cool friends? We assure you if you're not already doing it, you're missing out. Powdering the sack, gents, is a good way to keep the sweat from sticking to your taint like candle wax on an underpaid S&M intern. You ever heard the phrase "no sweat off my sack?" No? Well, that's what term was made for, so you could learn to powder your nuts. Because if there's one place that stinks, especially in summer, it's your nether regions. Just don't spray cologne on your pee hole; that shit stings!
Avoid Potent Food & Seasoning
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You may not realize it, but the foods you eat affect your smell, and not just your pee, asparagus lovers! Gassy and garlicky foods not only have a tendency to cause gas - obviously not a great smell - and bloating, but that seeps out of your pores like tears from the eyes of that poor, underpaid S&M intern. Eat fresh foods like mango,
avocado and other sweeter tasting foods to avoid the harsh reality that your sweat smells a bit like your own pee in summer. Someone should really tell that intern there's not a lot of vertical opportunities in that industry, at least not the good kind of vertical.
Anti-Bacterial Everything
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If you're feeling the essential oils is a little too hippie-dippy for your liking, you can do your best to just keep to natural, healthy antibacterial everything. Buying cheap - food or otherwise - has its price so when buying mouth wash, body wash, etcetera items for your personal hygiene, take a moment to consider what's in it. Products with mint, eucalyptus and aloe are going to be better for your skin and have a delightfully natural smell. Just because big name brands can recreate the smell of the ocean in a can doesn't make it safe for your skin or fresh for your fur. Eventually, you'll either pay the store or a doctor someday to improve your health so why not take the easy route and steer clear of excessive doctor's visits (i.e. excessive prostate exams)?
Watch Your Mouth
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Some of us have bigger mouths than others. For everyone, those people specifically, it never hurt to have fresh breath, which is just as important, perhaps more noticeable, for smelling good
than any cologne you could dunk yourself in every morning. Avoid alcohol-containing mouthwash, which causes dry mouth, thus bad breath. Gum is a safe practice to keep on your person at all times, but if the heat of summer has your gum stuck to its wrapper - insert S&M intern joke, we've given you enough examples - it might be time to try a new type of remedy. Peppermint oil is great for waking the senses, smelling good and freshening the breath, whether you dab it under your nostril, rub it on your temples or drop a little in a cold glass of water.
Sheet Swap
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Showering every single day is rarely a routine option in the world of the monkey/man, so we implore men to do this: Change the sheets you semen riddled scumbag! Sorry to be harsh, but oils and filth, especially with your
summer style underway, can get trapped in the sheets after a long, drunken mess of a day walking around barefoot and eating food off the sidewalks. For this reason, amongst many others, we know the value of clean sheets. Otherwise, you're carrying around last week's grime on you without knowing it. Keep a spare set, including a light set of linens to
keep you cool in summer. The ladies will appreciate it, and you're less likely to smell like the garbage you found - don't lie, you licked your fingers afterwards - in your front yard yesterday. That's a win/win.
Hair Product & Shampoo
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It seems like an obvious solution to smelling good all the time, be it the bathroom smells like the gates of heaven upon reentry after a lengthy shower, but sometimes we forget that our bath routine follows us out the door on our way through the day. Getting a good shampoo is always smart, but hair product - don't use so much you look like a character out of "Grease" - is another way to pull off a sophisticated scent without caking on the body spray. Just make sure the ingredients of your shampoo and other hair products include words like "natural," "vitamins" and "aloe" as opposed to "glue," "shiny" and "John Travolta." And quit taking such long showers, dammit! Don't you know we're in the midst of a
drought?
