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What Is the Pope Going to Do Now?

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Now that the Pope has shockingly resigned from his position, everyone is wondering why. What is such a priority in his life that he would step down from such a prestigious position? After checking with sources closest to the Pope and begging for just an idea of what he's doing next, we've uncovered the truly shocking plans the Pope has in store. This is exclusive news, so when this becomes mainstream news in a few months, remember you heard it here first.

1. Start a fight club


Most people don't realize the Pope won his position by winning a fight club tournament. He feels the game has lost its credibility, so he wants to get back to his roots and do what he does best - street fights.

2. Get really into Pinterest
All the other popes would make fun of him because his Pinterest only had one bulletin board. They'd text him and say things like, "LOL Nice Pinterest.....NOT!" and he would get so mad. Well, now the tables are about to turn as he's going to devote countless hours to changing the Pinterest game.

3. Work at the banana stand
He loved it as a young Pope and has always missed those days on the boardwalk. Why not relive those childhood memories and put on that banana suit one last time?

4. Cryogenically freeze himself so he can discover the mysteries of the universe in a few hundred years
Few people realize what a huge Michael Fassbender fan the Pope is. His closest friends said it's always Michael Fassbender this and Michael Fassbender that. He actually wanted to be remembered more as a Fassbendy than a Pope. His favorite Fassbender role was, of course, in "Prometheus," so many feel that he may freeze himself in hopes of going on a space expedition with an android Michael Fassbender in the future. Is it a bit of a stretch? Sure, but a Pope can dream, can't he?

5. Start cooking meth
I have to be honest and say I was a little surprised by this one, but apparently the Pope has a handicapped son and a horrible wife, so - logically - he's planning on joining up with a former high school student of his and cooking the most amazing blue meth the world has ever seen.

6. Lead a group of survivors against a horde of the living dead
Does the Pope know something we don't? Why is this part of his plan? Are we all going to die soon? Not if the Pope has anything to say about it. He plans on protecting survivors of the coming zombie apocalypse with his quick thinking, charm and charisma. Thanks, Pope, you're the best!

7. Date Taylor Swift
The Pope realized he was the only one who hasn't broken up with Taylor Swift so he plans on checking that off the list pretty much immediately. "I really want a song written about me," said the Pope. "To even be mentioned in the same breath as Joe Jonas is a dream of mine. Wow."

 

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Today's Funniest Photos 2-12-2013

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Valentine's Day Cards For Bitter Married Couples

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Valentine's Day is a magical holiday - as long as you like who you are currently in a relationship with and love spending money. For those less fortunate couples who can't find a way to properly express how they feel about each other, we offer these honest Valentine's Day cards for bitter married couples.

valentine's day cards for bitter married couples
valentine's day cards for bitter married couples
valentine's day cards for bitter married couples
valentine's day cards for bitter married couplesvalentine's day cards for bitter married couplesvalentine's day cards for bitter married couplesvalentine's day cards for bitter married couples
valentine's day cards for bitter married couples

 

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The 100 Greatest Quotes from 'The Simpsons'

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We knew we were taking on a nearly impossible task trying to come up with an ultimate "The Simpsons" top 100 quotes list. So bear in mind that in order to even tackle such a tall order, we had to put a few ground rules in place. Most importantly, this list does not contain catchphrases (like "D'oh!" or "Don't have a cow, man!") or back-and-forths between characters. We chose to focus on one-liners instead. That being said, we tried to make it as fan-friendly as possible, using lines that are quoted on a daily basis, while still making it entertaining to the casual viewer and those in the mood for a cheap, easy laugh. So enjoy yourselves, and let us know what you think in the comments below.

100. I'd rather let a thousand guilty men go free than chase after them. -Chief Wiggum

99. Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back, or you can go out there and find your dog. -Homer Simpson

98. Go out on a Tuesday? Who am I, Charlie Sheen? -Marge Simpson

97. It's all over, people! We don't have a prayer! -Reverend Lovejoy

96. Now we play the waiting game...Ahh, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos! -Homer Simpson

95. Trust me, Bart, it's better to walk in on both your parents than on just one of them. -Milhouse Van Houten

94. There's only one thing to do at a moment like this: strut! -Bart Simpson

93. Hey, Homie, I can see your doodle. -Ned Flanders

92. Wait a minute. Bart's teacher is named 'Krabappel'? Oh, I've been calling her 'Crandall.' Why didn't anyone tell me? Ohhh, I've been making an idiot out of myself! -Homer Simpson

91. Boy, I tell ya, they only come out at night. Or in this case, the daytime. -Chief Wiggum

90. We work hard, we play hard. -Roscoe

89. I used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was, and now what I'm with isn't it. And what's "it" seems weird and scary to me. -Grampa Simpson

88. It tastes like...burning. -Ralph Wiggum

87. This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon they'll have written the greatest novel known to man. Let's see. It was the best of times, it was the "blurst" of times! You stupid monkey! -Mr. Burns

86. We want chilly-willy! We want chilly-willy! -Barney Gumble

85. (on phone) Lord, give me guidance...That's right, the guidance department. Thank you, Mrs. Lord. -Principal Skinner

84. But look! I got some cool pogs: Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He's back...in pog form! -Milhouse Van Houten

83. Don't snap my undies. -Chief Wiggum

82. "We the purple?" What the hell was that? -Father of losing child contestant

81. Ow, my eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it. -Lenny

80. A philanthropist. A humanitarian. A man of peace. These are just a few of the men who have come to spit on Montgomery Burns' grave. -Kent Brockman

79. Sit perfectly still. Only I may dance. -Conan O'Brien

78. I wash myself with a rag on a stick. - Future Bart Simpson

77. People, please. We're all frightened and horny, but we can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring! -Mayor Quimby

76. My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star. -Grampa Simpson

75. Save me, Jebus! -Homer Simpson

74. Bake him away, toys. -Chief Wiggum

73. Hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and...I like to kiss my own butt. -Moe the Bartender

72. Does anybody hear me complaining about the breasts? -Krusty the Clown

71. Another day, another box of stolen pens. -Homer Simpson

70. Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all...nothing at all...nothing at all! -Ned Flanders

69. Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas: the birth of Santa. -Bart Simpson

68. I'd be mortified if someone ever made a lousy product with the Simpson name on it. -Lisa Simpson

67. Oh boy, dinnertime. The perfect break between work and drunk! -Homer Simpson

66. I don't get mad, I get stabby. -Fat Tony

65. Tonight, on "Wings"... ah, who cares? -TV Announcer

64. Inflammable means flammable? What a country. -Dr. Nick Riviera

63. I can't believe you don't shut up! -Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

62. Ah, alcohol and night-swimming. It's a winning combination. -Lenny

61. I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. -Homer Simpson

60. My eyes! The goggles do nothing! -Rainer Wolfcastle

59. Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind of priceless? -Bart Simpson

58. Science. What's science ever done for us? TV off. -Moe the Bartender

57. Chocolate microscopes? -Ralph Wiggum

56. Oops, lost a nail. Well, that's leprosy for you. -Mr. Burns

55. I'm filled with piss and vinegar! At first, I was just filled with vinegar. -Grampa Simpson

54. Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word "tromboner"? -Mr. Largo

53. Ya used me, Skinner! YA USED ME! -Groundskeeper Willie

52. Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidently ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidently" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son." -Lionel Hutz

51. I don't mind if you pee in the shower, but only if you're taking a shower. -Marge Simpson

50. Hi, you've reached the Corey Hotline -- $4.95 a minute. Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: gory, story, allegory, Montessori... -Corey Hotline

49. Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is a total disregard for the things St. Patrick's Day stand for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property. Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish? -Kent Brockman

48. Well, if by "wank" you mean educational fun, then stand back, it's wanking time! -Principal Skinner

47. Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark. -Nelson Muntz

46. This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a...car of some sort, heading in the direction of...you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless. -Chief Wiggum

45. Stupid sexy Flanders! -Homer Simpson

44. Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy. -Bart Simpson

43. It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. -Homer Simpson

42. Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards. -Mayor Quimby

41. When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory? (begins to cry) -Milhouse Van Houten

40. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. -Comic Book Guy

39. Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher. -Random Teacher

38. Just because I don't care doesn't mean that I don't understand. -Homer Simpson

37. My bones are so brittle. But I always drink plenty of...malk? -Bart Simpson

36. Me fail English? That's unpossible. -Ralph Wiggum

35. La...tex con...dome. Boy, I'd like to live in one of those! -Grampa Simpson

34. When a woman says nothing's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off. -Homer Simpson

33. Ironic, isn't it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you. -Mr. Burns

32. Oh boy. Looks like it's suicide again for me. -Moe the Bartender

31. I'm trying to be a sensitive father, you unwanted moron! -Homer Simpson

30. Talking out of turn...that's a paddling. Looking out the window...that's a paddling. Staring at my sandals...that's a paddling. Paddling the school canoe...ooh, you better believe that's a paddling. -Jasper

29. How can I prove we're live? Penis! -Kent Brockman

28. Now make like my pants, and split. -Comic Book Guy

27. For the next five minutes, I'm going to party like it's on sale for $19.99. -Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

26. You know, FOX turned into a hardcore sex channel so gradually I didn't even notice. -Marge Simpson

25. Ahh, there's nothing better than a cigarette... unless it's a cigarette lit with a hundred-dollar bill. -Krusty the Clown

24. Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish. Then why'd I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl? -Milhouse Van Houten

23. Stupider like a fox! -Homer Simpson

22. Free and easy, Lis'. There's nothing like an unfurnished basement for pure comfort. -Bart Simpson

21. Uh, no you've got the wrong number. This is 9-1... 2. -Chief Wiggum

20. Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more. -Mr. Burns

19. What do you mean I can't take off my sweater? I'm HOT! -Drunk Mr. Rogers

18. I'm so hungry, I could eat at Arby's. -Sherri or Terri

17. Oh, dear God. Can't this town go one day without a riot? -Mayor Quimby

16. By the time I got to a phone, my discovery had already been reported by Principal Kohoutek. I got back at him, though...him and that little boy of his. -Principal Skinner

15. You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning. -Homer Simpson

14. My cat's breath smells like cat food. -Ralph Wiggum

13. I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows. -Bart Simpson

12. Jesus must be spinning in his grave! -Barney Gumble

11. I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly. -Moe the Bartender

10. You don't win friends with salad. -Homer Simpson

9. If he was going to commit a crime, would he have invited the number one cop in town? Now where did I put my gun? Oh yeah, I set it down when I got a piece of cake. -Chief Wiggum

8. Homer, you're as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it! -Grampa Simpson

7. Well, if it isn't my old friend, Mr. McGreg, with a leg for an arm, and an arm for a leg. -Dr. Nick Riviera

6. We're here! We're queer. We don't want any more bears. -Townspeople

5. Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip! -Homer Simpson

4. Everything's coming up Milhouse! -Milhouse Van Houten

3. I was saying "Boo-urns." -Hans Moleman

2. I can't promise I'll try, but I'll try to try. -Bart Simpson

1. To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. -Homer Simpson

 

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The 10 Weirdest Valentine's Day Gift Ideas

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A Guide For Guys: What To Buy (And Not Buy) Her For Valentine's Day

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by Jenn Hoffman


Let's get a few things out of the way. This post is about what to buy your loved one for Valentine's Day. I understand love is not about goods and services, and that some people prefer non-material gifts or no gift at all on this day. That's fine. Handwritten notes, romantic picnics, road trips, homemade dinners and other intangibles are all sweet and frequently more thoughtful than anything that comes wrapped in tissue paper or in a blue box. That being said, many men ask me what to buy their girl for this special occasion, so I'm going to try to help you navigate the world of Valentine's Day giftdom.

In order to know what to buy a woman for Valentine's Day, you first have to understand your specific woman. This is not a one size fits all situation, both literally and figuratively. One girl's shoe fetish is another girl's Apple product obsession. So first ask yourself "Who am I dating, and what does she love?" If you tailor your gift towards her taste rather than cliché assumptions about what chicks want, you are already wining the gift giving game. So with that in mind, here are some suggestions.

What Not to Buy

Plain Old Candy or Chocolate: Unless your beloved specifically states she is a choc-a-holic, buying candy can be a dangerous game. First, it's too obvious and easy to pick up a Whitman Sampler at your local drug-store, and there's nothing romantic about a gift that is stocked in the same aisle as socks, cat food and sinus medicine. Second, chicks are in a better mood when we're happy with our bodies. Do you really want to hand a woman a box full of "Do I look fat?" for Valentine's Day? I didn't think so. Proceed with caution.

Shoes Without Knowledge: Most women love shoes, but we are very specific about the kind of shoes we like. Different brands are viewed as desirable or less desirable to different women, and sizing can be a mess. If you are going to embark on sailing the rocky seas of shoes, make sure you take a good look at her closet and get to know her taste, size, and brand preferences first. As far as gs go, high heels are sexy and sensible shoes are usually not. I will admit I once received sneakers as a Valentine's Day gift and I was super excited, but I think some women might find that unromantic or worse - a hint that she's fat and needs to work out more. I still think personalized sneakers are an adorable gift, but you better know your girl really well if you're going to go that route.

Carnations: Unless you are in junior high and on your way to the chaperoned school dance, carnations are considered the bottom of the barrel. They cost about $1 for ten thousand of them, and lack any sort of sophistication or personality. Unless you a filling an entire room with flowers and need to come within budget, skip the carnations being sold on the side of the road and get your lady a respectable blossom.

Stuff She "Needs": I know this has been repeated a thousand times, but I still constantly hear about dudes buying their wife a new vacuum or set of kitchen knives. Stop that! If you want to hook her up with a new Hoover go ahead and do it, just don't present it as a gift on Valentine's Day. That's a purchase you give her on a non-holiday, just because. There's nothing romantic about a package of socks - unless there's also a diamond ring stuffed in that package. If you buy her anything that ever appeared on any grocery list ever, it's time for you to go to charm school, STAT.

A TV... for YOUR room: When I was in college my boyfriend bought me a brand new television. For his room. He justified the purchase by saying it was so we could spend more time together alone in his bedroom, because at the time he had roommates. At first I was so disappointed. It seemed selfish and very unromantic. It turns out the purchase was thoughtful and smart because we were able to curl up and watch it in his bedroom without the constant presence of like, ten other dudes. The best part? Six years later he bought me another television, but this one was to go inside the amazing and beautiful new house he bought for us. So I guess the first TV wasn't such a bad present after all.

What to Buy

Exotic Candy or Chocolate: Get to know your woman's taste and surprise her by hunting down interesting and unique treats. One way to do this is finding out her heritage, and special ordering candy from the country of her family's origin. Pay attention to her quirky eating habits (for example: does she put hot sauce on everything?) and seek out the sweet versions of her favorite delectables. If a guy tracked down Sriracha infused chocolates I'd just about fall over and die in shock - and love.

Shoes With Knowledge: Personally I love getting shoes as a gift. A pair of red bottom stilettos is a serious turn on. If my man buys me a pair of these, I will wear nothing but the shoes all night long to show my appreciation for his good taste. If a dude takes the time to know my style AND my exact shoe size? He's a keeper and will be aptly rewarded.

Flowers with Meaning: Had your first date in a poppy field? Poppies it is! Does she brighten your day? Get her a giant sunflower. Is she a trendy minimalist? She probably loves orchids. A dozen roses are always a respectable bounty, but you have a real shot at showing her that you think she's more unique than that. Better yet, get her roses on Valentine's Day, but follow up with different kinds of flowers on a non-special occasion just show her you're all thoughtful and romantic like that. Flowers sent to her workplace for no reason will make you a hero to her (and the other girls in the office.) Trust me.

Whatever She Doesn't Need: Women love to be pampered, but in this down-trodden economy even a simple massage, an elaborate pedicure or even a cutesy new iPhone cover can seem like a splurge. This gives you the opportunity to show her she's worth it by splurging for her. If you know she's been dying to get tickets to a certain show or try a new restaurant but it's way out of her price range, take her there and be absolutely frivolous about it. Buy her the good seats, get the best reservation in town and order overpriced appetizers and boozy drinks full of top self liquor. Get her a manicure at a real spa rather than the cheap efficient place she usually shells out only $10 for her mani. Ask her what she would buy for herself if money wasn't a factor, and find a way to give her a piece of that experience that fits within your budget. It truly is the thought that counts, and these little things show you are indeed at least thinking.

A House: To wrap around the tv you bought for her. Maybe you can't afford to buy us a home or even a new television to go in your rundown apartment. That's okay. It's the idea that you might want to start acquiring appliances with us so that maybe someday we will have a house, a yard, a dog, and a white picket fence is what really appeals to us. So when buying us presents think about longevity. Anything that says you might want to stick around for a while. If you give us bundles of safety and shower us with sacks of security we will give you the depths of our most secret presents right back. So you see Timmy, this wasn't just all about material things in the end. It was about love. And shoes. But mostly, it really was about love.

 

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You Need to Watch the Oscar Edition of Between Two Ferns Immediately

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At this point in awards season, the build up to the Oscars is pretty much unbearable. Minus this one exception. Zach Galifianakis has produced the only interviews you need to see to know exactly what you are talking about when it comes to the Academy Awards this year. In part 1, Zach sits down with Jennifer Lawrence, Anne Hathaway, Christoph Waltz, Naomi Watts and Amy Adams.


And here's part 2, with Bradley Cooper, Jessica Chastain, Sally Field and "another special guest from Lincoln."

 

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Azusa Higa is Japan's Top Model

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The Best Horse Mask Photos on the Internet

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The Best Valentine's Day Cards the Internet Has Created

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In our continuing effort to combat the overly flowery celebration of Valentine's Day, we decided to collect the most crudely designed love letters the Internet has created. We think you might throw away that mushy Hallmark card you got at lunch and print one of these out instead.

crude valentine's, django unchained
crude valentine's, paula deancrude valentine's, cow with fire fartcrude valentine's, ikea monkeycrude valentine's, bill murraycrude valentine's, internet explorercrude valentine's, leonardo dicapriocrude valentine's,  miacrude valentine's,  mcdonaldscrude valentine's, beavercrude valentine's, wifi
crude valentine's, hans solocrude valentine's, possum
crude valentine's, rihanna, chris brown

 

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NBA Players Will Overreact to Anything

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The NBA All-Star Weekend Slam Dunk Contest is right around the corner. Most people watch the dunks, but the real show takes place in the stands, where the players seem to try to one-up each other with the most over-the-top reactions. Well, apparently, dunks aren't the only things that get these guys out of their seats.

 

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Getting Weird With 'Workaholics' Adam, Anders and Blake

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It truly appears that the guys from Comedy Central's hit show "Workaholics" are living the dream. The three of them - Adam DeVine, Anders Holm and Blake Anderson, along with co-creator and director Kyle Newacheck - have seen their popularity skyrocket in the last two years while doing something they all love: writing and starring in their own TV show. "Workaholics" is midway through part two of its third season, and with recent news that Comedy Central has ordered 13-episode fourth and fifth seasons, along with highly anticipated cameos on the upcoming new season of "Arrested Development," there is a lot going on for Adam, Blake and Ders. We had a chance to talk to them about all of it, starting with this photo of them at a Grammy Awards after-party hosted by The Black Keys.

Workaholics, Adam DeVine, Blake Anderson, Anders Holm
(Photo by Clayton "Le Panda" Woodley at party hosted by The Black Keys and Peligroso Tequila)

On Being at The Black Keys' Grammys After-Party
ADAM: Ders was spinning. He had a little DJ sesh, on the 1's and 2's. Well, mostly the iPod, but a couple 1's and 2's. And Blake and I just got drunk.

ANDERS: It was awesome.

ADAM: And also, that's my new thing now: I wear gloves. It was literally really cold so I put on gloves and I didn't take them off and everyone thought I was a weird fashion guy. So now I have to start rumors about myself that I'm a cool, weird fashion guy.

On the Mid-Season 3 Premiere's Introduction of the Bill Character
BLAKE: It's actually called Season 3B because the B stands for Bill. We're putting the whole entire show on that man's shoulders. We really believe in him.

ADAM: You'll see a little bit more of Bill this season. Not a ton. That first episode of 3B was definitely his bright and shining moment for sure, but he's so good and such a character. I have a feeling that - Jet Set rest in peace, since he is no longer with us - we are going to be writing more for Bill.

On Working With Daniel Stern

BLAKE: Personally, I think he was my favorite guest star we've had. He is really such a down-to-earth, knowledgeable father figure. I was ready for him to adopt me by the end of the episode.

ADAM: He was so cool. He was like the nicest guy and exactly what Blake said. He had good advice because he's been in this business forever, and he knew what was up and basically told us to keep "Workaholics" going for as long as we can and as long as we are feeling creative and satisfied, just to keep it going. So I think we're gonna try to take his advice.

ANDERS: Twenty years is what we're thinking.

ADAM: We are shooting for 20 years of fantastic episodes, but I feel like by the start of season 10 or so the crowd may not be with us because we'll be old, but we can still be like, "We just graduated college!" And maybe by season 15, I'll finally get to bang Alice.

Who the Guys Would Love to Have Guest Star in the Future
ANDERS: Jamie Foxx.

BLAKE: Metta World Peace.

ADAM: I wouldn't mind getting Denzel Washington up in the mix.

ANDERS: Joey Pants.

ADAM: And Howard Stern would be fucking cool.

BLAKE: Channing Tatum.

ADAM: Channing Tatum is my older brother, actually, and I'm just so bummed because my body can never look like that.

On Who Is Next to Go Nude for the Camera and Potentially Humiliate Themselves
BLAKE: Well that was a very proud moment for me, so I don't know how humiliating it was. I don't know if you've been naked in front of hundreds of people, but it's pretty fun, okay?!

ANDERS: Small dicks are the new big dicks, man. Small dicks are the new black.

BLAKE: We're pretty stupid the rest of the season, so I think you can expect us all embarrassing ourselves.

ANDERS: I have a nice scene with Kyle, or Karl on the show, at the end of the season that gets a little risqué.

ADAM: Sexy, steamy action. He was fully erect the whole time; I was watching the monitor.

ANDERS: Yeah man, full force, fully engorged comedy is what we're bringing.

BLAKE: Fully torqued tight butthole.

On Betting on Sports
ADAM: I put money down on basketball games between buddies or whatever, but ...

BLAKE: It's a slippery slope, man.

ADAM: For sure. There are so many ways you can bet; now that I finally have money, I'm gonna try to keep a hold of it as much as I can.

ANDERS: Stay tuned.

Their Favorite Comedies (Mike Myers Movies Excluded)
BLAKE: "The Naked Gun." That's probably my favorite comedy of all time. I love that movie.

ANDERS: "Ghostbusters." The first one. 2 is good but I'm a 1 guy, I'm gonna put it all out there on 1.

ADAM: "Demolition Man." No, I don't know, maybe "Tommy Boy." I really like "Tommy Boy," I think it does a good job ... (Blake interrupts with a huge burp).

BLAKE: That was me, sorry.

ANDERS: That's Blake showing his approval.

(The guys start mimicking the "Home Improvement" theme song).

The Shittiest Jobs They Have Ever Had in Their Real Lives
ANDERS: Telemarketing.

ADAM: Yeah, both Ders and I did telemarketing. That's kind of why we decided on doing that for the show. Because its just such a sad, depressing existence. We thought it would be the perfect place for our characters just to not give a fuck about their work. And then it is just inherently funny when someone does, like when Montez truly cares about his job you're like, "Oh, that's sad."

BLAKE: I pretty much liked all my jobs. I worked at a butcher shop. That could be nasty at times but it had its perks; you get to take home a lot of pasta salad and tri-tip. And being around those carcasses, you start to love the blood.

On Whether There Are Any Topics Off Limits to Make Fun of Each Other About
ADAM: Blake's wig. But we're not allowed to talk about it.

BLAKE: Adam! Oh great, it's out now. It's out now, dammit! Other than that, we pretty much know everything about each other and every inch of each others' bodies so there's really not much left to be said.

ANDERS: It's not even funny anymore.

ADAM: We don't have any of those hangups. We do know everything about each other so we talk about anything and it doesn't matter.

On Whether Or Not Adam Will Change Because of His New Movie Star Status
ANDERS: Oh, things have already changed.

BLAKE: This dude is a divooo!

ADAM: Yeah, I wear gloves when I go out and I'm wearing a cape right now. It's changing all the time and they can't stop me.

On Blake's Broken Back (HuffPo)
ADAM: Both Ders and I were standing directly underneath where Blake jumped and were like, "Blake, don't do that, no, don't do that, man, no, oh no, don't do that!" And then he jumped.

BLAKE: Sorry!

ADAM: And I'm such a dick. He is in so much pain and I'm helping him walk upstairs, you know, because he broke his back, but I was just like, "You're all good, bro. I've hurt my back before, it's just a strain. Just lay down and you'll be all good." I'm a horrible friend.

BLAKE: I still can't walk. Everything you see on "Workaholics," I'm CGI'ed in.

ADAM: He is like FDR, we have to prop him up to do any sort of bit. It's really sad, actually.

ANDERS: You know about FDR, right?

ADAM: I like to throw out a lot of 15th president knowledge. Is he the 15th president?

ANDERS: 21st maybe? That's what they said in "Die Hard 3."

ADAM: I like how I'm looking up Franklin Delano Roosevelt now and the last thing I looked up was Smash Mouth lyrics.

BLAKE (singing): "Somebody once told me..."

ADAM: 32nd president! I was way off. Don't worry guys, I got it.

Famous "Workaholics" Fans, Other Than The Black Keys and Mitch Hurwitz
BLAKE: Oprah's really huge for us.

ADAM: And Michelle Obama can't get enough. Mostly those two.

ANDERS: Older black women love us.

BLAKE: And RuPaul, who is kind of in the same group.

The Biggest Celebrities They Have Slept With Now That They Are Famous Themselves
ADAM: Rebel Wilson. Totally kidding. No, people are married and I have a girlfriend so we are totally blowing it. We should be banging more celebrity chicks but instead we found true love. It's a double-edged sword.

The Biggest Celebrities They Have Had the Opportunity to Sleep With
ANDERS: Oh, we got chances with everybody, dude.

BLAKE: Yeah, man, we walk into celebrity events like Grammy parties and basically we are ducking out right away because it's too much.

ADAM: Yeah, there's just gaping mouths throwing themselves toward our man areas. You know, Rihanna, Paris Hilton....'s sister, Nicky. The list could go on if I could remember more than two celebrities right now.

ANDERS: Taylor Swift.

(At this point, their publicist justly ends the interview).

New episodes of "Workaholics" are on Wednesdays at 10/9c.
For more from the guys, follow Adam, Anders and Blake on Twitter.

 

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25 Billionaires Who Are Giving Away Their Fortunes

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Today's Funniest Photos 2-13-13

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Watch Will Ferrell Dress Up Like a Staples Center Security Guard and Kick Shaq Out of a Lakers Game

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Will Ferrell can do no wrong. Take this video, for example. Ferrell got all decked out in a full Staples Center security guard uniform for the game between the Phoenix Suns and Los Angeles Lakers. That alone would've made our highlight reel, but Ferrell took it to the next level when he tossed Shaquille O'Neal out of the arena towards the end of the game. Looks like the big fella took it in stride, which is a shame. We would've paid money to see Shaq and Ferrell go at each other in a wrestling match.

Via The Big Lead

More from Mandatory: The Funniest Photos You Will See Today


 

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The Craziest Police Standoffs

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The 'Women of LA' Music Video Is Both Hilarious and Painfully True

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Just in time for Valentine's Day, DJ arrives in Los Angeles after years on the east coast. Hoping to meet some ladies, he quickly learns that he doesn't stand a chance with the women of LA. This awesome video - which features cameos from Pauly Shore, Jaleel White and Mr. Belding himself: Dennis Haskins - sums up the LA dating experience for a single guy perfectly.

 

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Cat McCarthy Is Our Valentine

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Kim Jong-un Seems Hungry

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If you've fallen behind on what's going on with North Korea's nuclear testing, perhaps you should brush up with this quick refresher on the country's leader, Kim Jong-un. (Apparently the poor guy is just looking for a quick bite.)

kim jon-un, can i eat it?
kim jon-un, can i eat it?kim jon-un, can i eat it?kim jon-un, can i eat it?kim jon-un, can i eat it?kim jon-un, can i eat it?kim jon-un, can i eat it?kim jon-un, can i eat it?kim jon-un, can i eat it?kim jon-un, can i eat it?kim jon-un, can i eat it?

H/T Reddit, images via Imgur

 

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Emoji Sexting Examples For Valentine's Day

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It can be hard to express your true feelings face to face. Some people may even find a straight from the heart text too personal. But nobody should have trouble baring their soul through the adorable Emoji pictures. So if you're looking for the right way to say "I love you" this Valentine's Day, the below examples have got you covered for a variety of situations.













 

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