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Rosalee Ochoa is Our Valentine's Day Gift to You

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The Most Ostentatious Celebrity Funerals

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Today in Twitter Typos: Raper

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Social media has been a terrific way for us all to come together and make fun of people who put their ignorance on display for the whole world to see. Last week, we enjoyed tweets from people who thought cologne was spelled COLON.

This week's collection comes courtesy of a bunch of people who very unfortunately, yet hilariously, don't realize that there are two P's in the word: rapper. And just like that, your favorite musical artist is a horrible, horrible human being.

 

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10 Fun Facts About Presidents and Alcohol

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When it comes to holidays that are considered "manly," the first that come to mind are probably Father's Day and the Fourth of July. But Monday is President's Day, and we say it is about time that it gets the virile respect it deserves. Why? Because what is more manly than becoming President of the United States of America? And also, because a lot of our former presidents were incredible drinkers. In the spirit of that notion, here are ten fun facts about presidents and alcohol. Then, scroll to the bottom for some recipes to try out for yourselves on the new manliest of holidays.

(Photo by BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP/Getty Images)

No. 10 - John Adams started drinking in his early teens, and by the time he got into Harvard at age 15, he was regularly drinking beer for breakfast.

No. 9 - Remember that scene in "Frost/Nixon" where Nixon drunk dials Frost the night before the final interview in an attempt to intimidate him? Well, as awesome as that was, it never actually happened. But, director Ron Howard defended the scene saying that "it was known that Richard Nixon, during...the Watergate scandal, had occasionally made midnight phone calls that he couldn't very well recall the following day."

No. 8 - Teddy Roosevelt was known for speaking softly and carrying a big stick, but he was not known as a big drinker. It is said that he occasionally enjoyed a mint julep before bed, but that's about it. When a small-town newspaperman called Teddy a drunk, the president sued him, and won!

No. 7 - Jimmy Carter was a teetotaler, and is the only president who is known for having all of the liquor removed from the White House. Buzz kill!

No. 6 - When the Democratic party decided not to renominate Franklin Pierce after his first term, his response gave us words to live by still today when something goes wrong: "There's nothing left...but to get drunk."

No. 5 - Chester A. Arthur gained more than 40 pounds in office, most of which was attributed to constant drinking and having friends over to drink.

No. 4 - Thomas Jefferson LOVED wine, specifically Chianti, Burgundy and Bordeaux. He loved it so much he tried for years to make his own on his estate in Virginia, but was never able to make it happen.

No. 3 - FDR was a martini man for most of his adult life, but when doctors ordered him to gain some weight because of health issues, he did it by chugging eggnog.

No. 2 - Martin Van Buren's reputation as an alcoholic may have cost him his bid for reelection, but it also led to him earning the most awesome booze-inspired presidential nickname, "Blue Whiskey Van."

No. 1 - Abraham Lincoln has a well-known bourbon named in his honor. That's right, folks, "Honest Abe" grew up in Kentucky, and the name of his boyhood farm was Knob Creek Farm. It's still a major tourist spot in Kentucky, but because he's known for his Springfield, Illinois roots (where his tomb and presidential library are), it's not well known that Knob Creek Bourbon was named to honor him and his Kentucky roots.

Bonus Fun Fact - By now we all know that Mitt Romney did not win the most recent presidential election. Perhaps this quote can help us all understand why: "I tasted a beer and tried a cigarette once as a wayward teenager," Romney said last November, "and never tried it again."

Now for Some Manly President's Day Cocktail Recipes

The Muddled Creek

Ingredients:
2 parts Knob Creek Bourbon
Ginger ale, to taste
Splash of triple sec
Muddled orange slice

Preparation:
1. In a rock glass, muddle an orange slice
2. Fill rocks glass with ice
3. Add Knob Creek(R) Bourbon and triple sec
4. Add just a splash of ginger ale to top off

The Bada Bing

Ingredients:
2 parts Dalmore 12 Year Old Highland Malt Whisky
1 part Drambuie Liquer
1 splash DeKuyper Amaretto

Preparation:
1. Tightly pack a rocks glass with ice
2. Pour the Dalmore first, then the Drambuie.
3. Top off with the Amaretto, and garnish with lemon zest.

 

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Today's Funniest Photos 2-14-13

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Female News Anchor Makes Interesting Gestures on Live TV

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Canadians get made fun of a lot, and Lisa Dutton of the Canadian news program Global Saskatoon is not doing them any favors. Watch as Lisa tries to describe this idea she has that was inspired by her son playing with her vibrating toothbrush. We'll say no more.

 

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Danielle Johnson is Back in Action

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How to Make the YouTube Video That Blows Up

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I'm not a big YouTube guy. In fact, when I type "You" into my browser, "tube" isn't even the first thing that pops up on my history. But when there is a video out there that everyone is talking about, I definitely check it out.

Such was the case with "Women of LA," the music video about a guy (DJ Lubel) who moves to Los Angeles and finds out he's got no chance of getting laid because the women of LA are, well, so LA. The video, which was written, produced and created by Lubel and Jamie Abrams, was posted to YouTube on Feb. 13, and within 24 hours had more than half a million views. That, as we say in the industry, is pretty dope.
Jamie Abrams, DJ Lubel, Women of LA
But don't think that anyone can just sit on their couch, flip on an iPhone, fart on a kitten and become an Internet sensation overnight. These days it takes a lot of hard work, but Lubel and Abrams have the formula for success and it starts with hilariousness.

(Pictured: Jamie Abrams and DJ Lubel)

"First and foremost we want to make them laugh out loud or LOL if you will," said Abrams. "After honing in on something we felt was universally funny - something men and women would be into - we put in the time and effort to produce a professional video. Doing this shit is hard. It's sacrificing time and executing it correctly. People talk a big game but you have to get off the couch and do it. We shot this every Saturday and Sunday for a couple months, where we were up at 7 a.m. on a Sunday morning to get a shot we needed. For the bar scene we shot after the bar closed at 2 a.m. and went until 7 in the morning."

The production value is top notch and the video has everything from a "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" parody to a stage recreation of "Rent" to cameos from Pauly Shore, Dennis Haskins and Jaleel White. That's right, Urkel...who raps...and is good.

"The cameos make a difference," said Lubel, who first recorded the song and sent it to managers to help land recognizable talent. "Every friend we have helped us get this done. From landing the star talent to having geniuses like our visual effects guy Ryan Wehner who can make it look like I'm blowing Ryan Murphy to all the people in the Rent scene who drove an hour down the 405 to spend their Saturday in San Pedro - it was a team effort from people who all believed in this video."

As surprising at it may seem, you can't just pluck out any random celebrity to generate hits. It actually has to make sense. "We wanted recognizable celebs to ensure the viral factor, but these guys were specifically chosen because they made sense with our piece," said Abrams. "They represent the type of person that is out and about in LA who will take a woman from you. We couldn't throw Channing Tatum in there because he'll take a girl from you anywhere."

Steve Berke, who has more than 3 million views on the Macklemore "Thrift Shop" parody "Pot Shop" that he posted last month, had a celebrity in his video too - Macklemore.

"YouTube rewards timing," Berke said. "One can put out an amazing parody of a song, but if there are others that beat you to it, your parody won't do as well even if it's the best one out there. Because I had a feeling that Macklemore was about to 'blow up,' I went on his website, checked out his tour dates, and saw that he had an upcoming concert about three hours from where I live. I bought a ticket, went to the show, and was lucky enough to meet him after the concert. He was gracious enough to agree to be on video, and I think it was a nice surprise ending for anyone watching my parody."

Celebrities are great, but there are other key components that cater to the YouTube generation. Berke helps draw in a crowd by pushing a video that promotes the legalization of marijuana and features a lot of hot young, ladies - two things that give Interneters a huge nerd boner.Steve Berke, Pot Shop

(Pictured: Steve Berke, "Pot Shop" Release Photo)

"Having beautiful girls in your video is no guarantee that it will go viral, but it sure can't hurt," said Berke. "The Internet loves certain things - parodies, kittens, prank videos - and if you can include some of those elements into your video, your odds of it going viral will increase."

Lubel and Abrams have a hot girl of their own, the extremely talented Taryn Southern, who provides the singing voice and makes an early appearance in the video. Southern was also featured on Lubel's "Wrong Hole" video that is currently nearing the 7 million mark on YouTube. While she admits it's a fun process, there is an end goal to the whole YouTube game.

"You never know what's going to hit and do well," said Southern, who has her own YouTube channel with 120,000 subscribers. "For me I'm grateful to be a part of it and I continue making my videos and building up my audience. The angle is self-sustainability. You can bring in integrative advertising or sell the songs on iTunes. There's not a lot of money to be made but if you have the audience you can do it. The goal is to get to half a million subscribers and try to look at yourself as a mini cable network."

For Lubel and Abrams, it's less about YouTube money and more about promoting their other projects. In the 24 hours their video has been up, their phones have been ringing off the hook.

"Our phones were going crazy," said Lubel. "Agents and production companies. It's great. These are tools for projects we have in motion. You couldn't do this 20 years ago. The business model has changed. You can't sit back and write a script. You have to make yourself known first. You have to differentiate yourself from the masses. When I'm auditioning, I'm in a room full of people that look like me. There are the handsome DJs, even-nerdier DJs, midget DJs, black DJs - I need to differentiate myself."

With the mindset that there is little money to make right away on a hit video, it's important to make sure the video looks as professional as possible with the smallest of budgets.

"I made 'Pot Shop' for less than $500, but it looks like it could have been a five figure budget," said Berke. "These days, technology is so inexpensive that almost anyone can make their videos look professional and expensive. High definition cameras are becoming more and more affordable, so what you're seeing is a tidal wave of amateurs showcasing how talented they are with small budgets."

Abrams agrees, saying, "This went viral because not only was it a great concept, but it's well made. You can see the time and money we put into it, and we had a lot of people doing us favors. We have a network of wonderful actors and crew and producers that we can call on to make this happen. But at the end of the day, this was not a little Internet video. This was a production."

For the amateur funnymen and women out there, it should be pointed out that all of these success stories have been in this Internet video game for a while. Berke, who is also an activist and politician who ran for Mayor of Miami Beach in 2011, has 16 videos on his YouTube page, but "Pot Shop" makes up almost half of his video views. Lubel has found success with "Wrong Hole," "The Murray Hill Song" and various others before "Women of LA." And Abrams, he hit the scene in the BYT (before YouTube) era way back in 2004 with a little thing called "Paul & Frank," about two guys who go out of their way to prove they're not gay.

"'Paul & Frank' was on 25 or 26 different sites, pre-YouTube and had millions of views," said Abrams. "We sent that video out and the next day William Morris signed us as clients and we were performing on stage with pre-fame Whitney Cummings. The major difference now is that there is a lot of competition. Everyone is throwing videos up there. The only competition that I knew was the Lonely Island guys. Now it's so much harder to go viral. You're competing against millions."

That's why the work to make these videos successful doesn't stop once the video gets posted.

"You have to be your own publicist," said Berke. "Obviously, posting on your social media pages is a no-brainer, but I also email my video link to any blog or website that I think would be interested in sharing it with their audience. Reddit is another great way to reach a larger audience. If you post your video up on Reddit and it's good, the Reddit community will upvote it so that more and more people see it."

For Lubel and Abrams it helped to have a few connections as well. Abrams was the head writer on the last season of "PUNK'D" and his old boss, Ashton Kutcher, caught wind of "Women of L.A" and tweeted it out to his 13.7 million followers.

"That meant the world to me personally," said Abrams. "It's always nice to get recognition from your old boss and it's even nicer when that boss is Ashton Kutcher."

But even with the success and the love from Kutch, you can't please everyone all the time. All these videos receive some sort of backlash, and knowing that (and not caring too much) is another key to being a success.

"The whole thing is tonguTaryn Southerne in cheek," said Lubel in response to a few who are not pleased with the way women are represented in his video. "I say some things that are a little offensive. After 'The Murray Hill Song' people called me a self-hating Jew, but then I got an award at the Holocaust Museum in Manhattan. I'm just trying to make people laugh. I feel awful if a woman is offended, but it's a joke. The first part of the video is all self-depricating so I make fun of myself too. I'm trying to be funny. I adore the women of L.A. and I'm actually going to reach out to this lady and apologize to her personally. I'm a goofy idiot and I like to make jokes."

Southern (pictured), his female co-star, has his back.

"There are always people out there that are going to take offense," she said. "It's not funny unless it offends somebody. I'm a woman and I thought it was hilarious. It's all in good spirit. It's just a song. And quite frankly there are a lot of women in LA like that."

Love it or hate it, these videos are big time and at the end of the day, while yes, anyone can do it, making a hit Internet video isn't nearly as easy at it seems. From high-level production to celebrity connections, a lot of work goes into making your funny video "spread like herpes" around the Internet, as one friend of mine so eloquently put it. But, in the end it all seems worth it.

"These videos reach people around the world," said Lubel. "How else can you really do that? 'Wrong Hole' was huge in Taiwan, and there's a video of these middle school kids performing it at a talent show. I don't think they fully understood it, because they're singing it in front of their families."

In case you couldn't tell from the title, the song is about accidental anal sex and if you've been on the Internet and/or you love Scott Baio, you've probably seen it. If you'd like to have a "Wrong Hole" on your hands, though, you're going to have to work hard, because much like the lesson learned in "Wrong Hole," making the video can be a huge pain in the ass.

 

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Insane Video of Meteorite Exploding Over Russia

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Thank God for Russia's dashcams (seriously, do their cars come from the factory with these things installed?) This video shows a giant meteorite exploding over the sky in Chelyabinsk, Russia near the Ural mountains. Reports form the AP have indicated that their may be some injuries from broken glass and some damage to buildings while cell phones stopped working.

People near this event said it was so loud it resembled thunder and an earthquake at the same time. So, basically one uproarious Yakov Smirnoff show.

Conspiracy theorists have already posited that this is not a meteor but some sort of military warplane or alien landing. We're going to go ahead and assume that this is just a meteorite.

But easily the second best part of this video is that the guy driving this car doesn't seem fazed at all, despite nearly being taken out by a giant space rock. He just keeps cruising around, listening to crappy techno music and being very, very Russian.

via USAToday

 

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Brand Names and Slogans Hilariously Misinterpreted in Foreign Languages

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This Week's Most Inappropriately Hilarious Tweets

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50 Things You Didn't Know About Michael Jordan

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February 17th is Michael Jordan's 50th birthday. We at Mandatory are big, big MJ fans. Not only did a few of us grow up near Chicago, we were also the perfect age when Jordan dominated the league.

Being a 16-year-old Bulls fan in the 90s was even better than being a Patriots fan at any point in the last 10 years. Because Michael didn't lose. Ever.

The only way he could not win a title was to play in a different league. It didn't matter if he had the flu or Bill Cartwright as his center. He was going to win it all. And we loved him for it.

To celebrate his milestone, we put together 50 little tidbits you probably didn't know about Michael Jordan. We think it's much better than a cake.

50. He once gambled away his son in a game of Bridge.
49. The "Steve Kerr Incident" was actually an intimate shoulder massage, not a punch to the face as reported.
48. Signs all his autographs "Toni Kukoc."
47. He's actually been divorced twice. His first marriage was to Michael Jordan.
46. He's a 2-time MLB dunk champion.
45. Killed a Russian tourist on the streets of Barcelona in 1992.
44. He doesn't believe in wind chill.
43. When most celebrities were bleaching their assholes, he had his darkened.
42. Legitimately made every shot in those McDonald's "Showdown" commercials with Larry Bird.
41. Is a self-admitted chocoholic.
40. Prefers Hanes Her Way to Hanes His Way.
39. He once dressed up as Captain Ahab for Halloween and chased Charles Oakley around like he was a giant whale.
38. "Space Jam" was based on a true story.
37. He shot all of his free throws with his eyes closed but it was only caught on camera once.
36. Every one of his shits begins with a jump from a foul line he painted 15 feet from his toilet.
35. Due to a little-known clause in the Emancipation Proclamation, he was able to purchase Karl Malone.
34. First nickname was Pear Jordan because of his chubby physique in grade school.
33. After watching "Multiplicity," he made 8 more Jordans that he bounces fashion ideas off of.
32. Stopped using mirrors in 2008. (Which explains the mustache.)
31. The sex acronym known as "ATM" is actually spelled "ATMJ." But the J is silent.
30. He is also Scottie Pippen.
29. He was separated at birth from his twin brother - Danny DeVito.
28. He's the reason Bill Cartwright has that weird patch in his goatee.
27. He has never formally met Bill Wennington.
26. He is the author of "Primary Colors."
25. He did all the choreography for "Juwanna Mann."
24. His favorite song by Bruno Mars is "the one where he's not wearing a hat."
23. When he plays Blackjack, he insists that blackjack is 23, not 21.
22. He fucking hates Ahmad Rashad.
21. Prefers Powerade to Gatorade.
20. He was the one who bit Marv Albert's back.
19. He only makes appearances at Bobcats games via Tupac hologram technology.
18. Is down with OPP.
17. During the winter, he lives inside Charles Barkley.
16. All of his couch cushions are stuffed with Craig Ehlo's hair.
15. He's been on more covers of Cat Fancy magazine than any other athlete in history.
14. He has a penis for every NBA Championship.
13. He's a natural blonde.
12. During his stint as a minor league baseball player, he couldn't hit the curveball because he only took the cream, not the clear.
11. He is one of three finalists in contention to be named the next Pope.
10. He gave Lennay Kekua cancer.
9. He worked at Circuit City for the first three years of his career to make ends meet.
8. Once made a four-pointer but it was during a road game against the Vancouver Grizzlies so it technically didn't count.
7. His butler's maid's butler has two maids (and a butler).
6. You get 0 results when you search for "Michael Jordan" on Bing.
5. The last three Air Jordan sneaker releases were just recycled Starburys with the Jordan logo taped onto them.
4. He has never heard of the Internet.
3. Has a humidor full of only candy cigars.
2. He writes all the lyrics for One Direction.
1. Keeps his tongue in during sex.

 

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Ask a Girl: When Is It Appropriate To Ask Out A Co-Worker?

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Our friends over at StyleList want to help you out. So, instead of just assuming you know everything a woman desires, why don't you listen to the editors at the premiere fashion site on the Web and make sure you are doing the right thing when it comes to the opposite sex. This week: inter-office dating.
We took to the work place to answer this one, and polled the ladies around us for their thoughts on inter-office dating. As expected, responses were mixed, but most of all, answered with a bit of hesitation.

While a few girls instantly answered with a resounding "absolutely, positively, 100% never," the rest seemed quite open to the idea of fraternization. Don't get any ideas, though - we still have our rules! If you're planning on taking the plunge and asking out a fellow employee, follow these guidelines to ensure success, minimize rejection, and alleviate post-drunken-hookup-guilt....is that even a thing for guys?!

1.) Get Real with Yourself - do you just want a hook-up, or do you want to go out on a real, live date with this person outside of your apartment? If you're just trolling for a convenient booty call, spare everyone the hassle.

2.) Date Outside Your Team - it's dicey enough to date within your office, but within your own team can be even trickier. It can put you, and the girl, in a bad situation with coworkers and your boss. A surefire way to rejection is compromising a girl's image with her peers. Set your sights on someone who you don't have to see in your daily meetings. Every. Single. Morning.

3.) Cast The Lines - Be absolutely positive this chick is into you. Almost every girl we asked who said she would be open to scoping out the office dating scene said they would hate to be caught off guard by someone they were totally disinterested in. If you just go for it without putting the feelers out first, you instantly go from being a potential Jim Halpert to a Michael Scott (and if you are a Jim Halpert, please call us).

4.) Keurig Is The New Water Cooler - Work the coffee machine and break room. Strike up a conversation over morning caffeine cravings. Ask her about her weekend or make a joke about the annoying company memo that just went out. Friendly and light conversation is a great way to take a slow and steady approach to asking someone out. It's also a great way to find out if she's seeing anyone special. "So, did you watch the Grammys with your husband last night?" - "Oh, no, I'm not married."

5.) Secret Admirer - Suitors from afar are pretty much exactly what they sound like - straight up not cool. Anonymous love notes and longing glances from across the copy machine may seem like great ideas at the time, but the execution just never really pans out. It's creepy and draws way too much attention in the office. Stay traditional and make your moves face-to-face.

Well guys, there you have it. If this guide to office fraternization doesn't help you, we're not really sure what else will. If all else fails, rent Fatal Attraction - we guarantee you'll never think about dating that girl in the cube next to you ever, ever again.

 

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The Scariest Secret Weapons of World War II

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The Biggest Celebrity Wardrobe Malfunctions

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Today's Funniest Photos 2-15-13

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Michael Jordan Says LeBron James Still Has One Key Flaw — And He's Right

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by Tony Manfred

LeBron James is on one of the greatest hot streaks in NBA history right now.

He had 39 points, 12 rebounds, and 7 assists last night against Oklahoma City. It was his seventh-straight game with at least 30 points while shooting 58% or better.

We are watching LeBron reach his peak, and all week commentators (and even LeBron himself) have been playing up the Michael Jordan-LeBron James comparisons.

Related: The Fabulous Life of LeBron James

But according to Jordan, LeBron still has one obvious flaw in his game still - he has a tendency to shoot jumpers when he goes left, and drive to the basket when he goes right.

Here's the key passage from ESPN's Wright Thompson's article on Michael Jordan today:

"It has to do with his mechanics and how he loads the ball for release. 'So if I have to guard him,' Jordan says, 'I'm gonna push him left so nine times out of 10, he's gonna shoot a jump shot. If he goes right, he's going to the hole and I can't stop him. So I ain't letting him go right.'

"For the rest of the game, when LeBron gets the ball and starts his move, Jordan will call out some variation of 'drive' or 'shoot.' ... He's answering texts, buried in his phone, when the play-by-play guy announces a LeBron jump shot. Without looking up, Jordan says, 'Left?'"

There's some evidence that Jordan is actually right.

Here's LeBron's shot chart for 2013. He has taken 175 two-point jump shots from the left side of the court, and only 87 two-point jumpers from the right side of the court.

This indicates that LeBron is typically getting to the rim more often when he goes right than when he goes left.

See Also: 17 Examples of Michael Jordan's Insane Competitiveness

It's not "90%" like MJ said, but it's significant.

LeBron shoots 73% when he gets to the rim, and 40% when he takes a two-pointer from the left side of the court. So you absolutely want him to take jump shots.

There isn't much to complain about with LeBron's game. But MJ, always the perfectionist, has found something legitimate.

via Business Insider

A
lso Check Out: Unintentionally Raunchy Photos

unintentionally raunchy photos, golfer kissing penis trophy

 

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Tricia Helfer is a Sci-Fi Siren

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The 26 Dumbest Sports Injuries of All Time

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When word broke that new Pittsburgh Pirates starter Francisco Liriano broke his arm (and lost $12 million) trying to scare his kids over Christmas, if wasn't really that shocking. Pro athletes have a history of throwing large sums of cash down the toilet by injuring themselves in the stupidest possible ways. Here are some of the all time most bizarre, idiotic and ridiculous sports injuries to ever take place both on, but mostly off, the field.

JOEL PERALTA HURTS HIS NECK GETTING OUT OF A CAMARO
Tampa Bay Rays relief pitcher Joel Peralta missed a day of throwing in spring training this year after hurting his neck getting out of his car awkwardly. Peralta had stopped for some sandwiches and tweaked his neck ducking his head to get out of the Camaro. Don't worry, he still got his sandwiches and reported that they were "good."

wade boggs, injured by cowboy bootsWADE BOGGS BRUISES RIBS WHILE TAKING OFF COWBOY BOOTS
The Hall of Famer was off to a white-hot start in 1986, hitting .404 as late as June 6. But that's when he tried to kick off his cowboy boots in a Toronto hotel room, lost his balance and fell ribs-first onto the arm of a couch. Relegated to pinch-hitting duty for a few games, Boggs ended the year at .357.

PLAXICO BURRESS SHOOTS HIMSELF IN LEG
Sweatpants, a Glock and New York City's incredibly strict gun laws do not mix. After shooting himself-and only himself-in November 2008, Plax would end up spending nearly two years in prison.

GLENALLEN HILL CRASHES THROUGH GLASS COFFEE TABLE
The gold standard for absurd injuries, the Blue Jays outfielder/arachnophobe was napping on the couch in 1990 when he had a nightmare about spiders. Panicked, he woke up, stumbled and took his fateful fall, suffering countless cuts to his toes and elbows.

EDDY CURRY'S PHYSIOBALL EXPLODES
Naturally, he wasn't even working out on it. The rotund Knicks center was just taking a break from practice in October 2008 when he sat on the giant blue ball, causing it to explode and scraping his wrist. (Not to be outdone, the next season Curry would sprain his ankle during a walk-through at practice.)

JOBA CHAMBERLAIN SHATTERS ANKLE ON TRAMPOLINE
When you're recovering from Tommy John surgery, maybe you shouldn't be hanging out at a place called the Boing Jump Center. The Yankees reliever didn't get the message, suffering a compound fracture (yes, that means bone through skin) last March. But there is a silver lining: the 911 call wound up on Deadspin.

OLIVER PEREZ BREAKS TOE KICKING LAUNDRY CART
Allowing four runs and 12 baserunners in just six innings takes a toll on a man. No wonder the Pirates' Perez took it out on a laundry cart in Busch Stadium, landing on the 15-day DL.

george brettGEORGE BRETT BREAKS TOE ON DOORJAMB
The same man who missed a World Series game because of hemorrhoids landed on the DL with his own broken piggy. And the Royals great did it the way so many others did it in 1983: rushing from to the TV so he could watch a Bill Buckner at-bat.

RICHIE SEXSON STRAINS NECK WHILE TRYING ON HAT
Not one to spoil the feeling of camaraderie on team photo day in the spring of 2003, the 6'6" Mariners slugger tried to squeeze his noggin into a 6 5/8 hat. Apparently, this is not the best idea when your actual hat size is 7 5/8.

COLIN SMART DRINKS AFTERSHAVE
Well, he didn't mean to. In 1982, an English rugby teammate tricked him into thinking he drank a bottle (it was really white wine) and challenged Smart to do the same. He did and collapsed, but was rushed to the hospital in time to have his stomach pumped and, you know, not die.

BRIAN GRIESE TRIPS OVER DOG
2002 was a tough year for Broncos QB Brian Griese. Four months after he fell on teammate Terrell Davis' driveway and was knocked unconscious (a spill rumored to be booze related), Griese was walking down his steps when his excited dog followed, clipped him and sprained his ankle.

BRIAN ANDERSON BURNS FACE WITH IRON
We're not saying the former D-back should have used his pitching hand back in 1998 when he was checking to see if the iron was hot enough, but surely the southpaw could've used something else.

brandon marshall, mcdonalds wrapperBRANDON MARSHALL PUTS ARM THROUGH TV SET
Back in 2008, the Broncos wide receiver was so embarrassed by the real cause of his injury (wrestling with family members) that he made up an even dumber excuse (slipping on a McDonald's wrapper). The truth: he severed an artery, a vein, tendons in five muscles and needed three months to recover.

BRET BARBERIE GETS HOT SAUCE IN EYE
The infielder doesn't skimp on his famous nachos, loading them with chili peppers and hot sauce. Unfortunately, he also doesn't wash his hands before putting in his contacts. That's why Barberie missed a game in 1993 when he was on the Marlins.

MARTY CORDOVA BURNS FACE IN TANING BED
Vanity reared its ugly head in May 2002 when the bronzed Cordova burned his face in a tanning bed and was told by a doctor to stay out of the sun for a few days-not the most convenient prescription when you're an outfielder for the Orioles.

JOEL ZUMAYA COMES DOWN WITH GUITAR HERO ELBOW
The fire-throwing Tigers reliever missed all of the 2006 ALCS with a wrist injury that, we later learned, was from playing too much Guitar Hero. The high profile (and highly mocked) injury even got him a shout out in the credits of Guitar Hero II.

DUSTIN PENNER HURTS BACK EATING PANCAKES
Last season, the Kings forward sat down at the kitchen table for some of his wife's delicious pancakes when his back locked up, knocking him out for a game. This is the sort of joy your lockouts deprive us from, Bettman!

CHARLES BARKLEY INJURES EYES AT CONCERT
We really can't say it better than the New York Times: "Charles Barkley inadvertently burned his corneas when he rubbed body lotion into his eyes during an Eric Clapton concert and will miss the Phoenix Suns' [1994-95] opener Friday night. An ophthalmologist ordered the forward to wear eye patches for 12 hours."

LIONEL LETIZI STRAINS BACK PICKING UP SCRABBLE TILE
Just last summer, the Paris-Saint Germain goalkeeper missed two games thanks to his board-game based injury. (It better have been an X.)

STEVE SPARKS SEPARATES SHOULDER TEARING PHONE BOOK IN HALF
Well, trying to tear one in half, anyway. Sparks was a Brewers minor leaguer when the team was visited by motivational speakers in 1994. The next day, a pumped up Sparks tried to ape the feat he saw them do, popping his shoulder and delaying his promotion to the big leagues by a year.

kevin mitchel, gold toothKEVIN MITCHELL CHIPS TOOTH ON DONUT
Back when he was a member of the 1980s Mets, the utility man (who once strained an oblique vomiting), popped a frozen chocolate donut in the microwave, didn't defrost it long enough and paid the price. The result is his infamous gold tooth.

KEN GRIFFEY JR. PINCHES TESTICLE
Hey, at least it was his own. During his Reds tenure, Junior Griffey got one of his junior Griffeys pinched by his protective cup, missing a game in the painful process.

ALLEN WATSON SLASHES WRIST OPENING BEER
Due to come off the DL in July 1998, Angels starter Allen Watson decided to celebrate with a cold one. Instead, the bottle shattered while he was opening it, gashing his wrist and sending him to the ER. (The wound missed being fatal by just a quarter-inch.)

ADAM EATON STABS HIMSELF OPENING DVD
Like any red-blooded American in 2001, Eaton couldn't wait to open his new DVD, a double bill of Backdraft and Happy Gilmore. Unfortunately, in the battle of Padres pitcher vs. shrink wrap, shrink wrap won: While trying to open the packaging, Eaton stabbed himself in the stomach with a knife.

SAMMY SOSA STRAINS BACK SNEEZING
It was May 2004 when the never-going-to-be-a Hall of Famer sneezed twice in the clubhouse, bringing on back spasms that knocked him out of the lineup and required an epidural.

CHRIS HANSON HITS HIS OWN FOOT WITH AXE
In 2003, Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio kept a tree stump and axe in the locker room, a bit of idiotic symbolism encouraging the team to "keep choppin' wood." Seeing some teammates take a hack, the punter did the same-and hit his foot instead. Hanson missed a month.

 

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Atherton, California Has America's Most Hilarious Police Blotter

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There's a town called Atherton in California that's just outside of San Francisco. Most households in the neighborhood make well into the six figures and the average price of a house in Atherton is over 4 million bucks. In other words, a lot of paranoid, rich people live there. And it shows in the town's hilarious police blotter.

atherton police blotter
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